How to Make an Ass of Yourself on a Cruise…

Fresh off a ship (my liver is having fun wringing itself out), I thought I’d share my classy, trashy (it is Wednesday after all) tactics for hilarity on a boat.

First, one must kick the trip off with a photo bomb.

Nana wanted a photo with just her daughters…too bad (this will make a lovely Christmas card, yes?). My successful bomb even made the photographer, who had just taken 1,998 photos of cruise goers prior to this snapshot, giggle.

Then upon boarding the ship, you must rush to your room and make sure the liquor mouthwash you carefully packed did not get confiscated from luggage (God forbid any money is spent aboard the ship – keeping it low-budget, now!).

My mouth wash tasted like … rum. What a relief.

Next, you must check out the personalized party favors gifted from the gang you’re traveling with…thus finding out where you rank popularity-wise (don’t get your hopes up too high).

Our party received tanks with nick names listed on the back (I loathe wearing matching giddy-ups but these shirts were way cuter than the coordinating fanny packs my teacher made students wear on a 9th grade trip).

We also got personalized, fabulously bedazzled cocktail glass…the only problem is…my name Megan (my drinking reputation obviously preceded my appearance on the ship).

To ease your mother’s mind, send her a picture of yourself to ensure the height of the railings are high enough to prevent you from falling overboard into the sea.

Look Ma, no hands!  It would take way to much effort to go over…plus, I don’t want to get my hair wet.

To make your trip above and beyond entertaining, you should seek out the loudest, crudest, funniest, could give a rat’s ass what you think (one of them went to boat jail before even stepping aboard the ship because she forgot that she had bullets in her purse – true story) ladies to be your cruise BFFs, calling attention to every single thing you do.

The seasoned photo bomber got photo bombed…by a kid.

Having boisterous new pals will make complete strangers come up and want your pictures taken with you.

This is my new friend, who wanted to take her picture with a “crazy girl,” (her words, not mine). She introduced herself as Old Fart.

I also suggest adopting a cruise pet to keep you mind off your little fur ball anxiously awaiting your return home (I MISSED YOU TEDDY!).

I took an adorable pigeon under my drunken wing. I tried coaxing him to fly to my finger by tossing coconut breading his way. He wasn’t buying it.

To really make a famous ass of yourself on a cruise, get tipsy (because it’s raining, you have nothing else to do but drink all day long) and when you’re making your way to the bathroom, stop and dance with a complete stranger (she was having her own fun, so I needed to join in) on the deck. Because all eyes will be on the two of you, be sure you still have your swimsuit on at 10pm for the complete effect and then act as if you’ve never ever danced a step in your entire f’n life (I was going to upload a short video a friend captured on a phone but wanted to save face…and the fee that WordPress wants for video uploading is a tad ridiculous for my use).

Celebrating my dance off. No autographs, please.

All of your dancing nonsense will gain your first place finish in a very special contest. I woke up to this on our cabin door:

Lucky me. I won something!

All in all, if you follow my steps carefully, you will have a hazy recollection of a fun, eventful, laugh ’til you throw up kinda cruise trip. And you really won’t care that you made an ass of yourself (provided you drink all of your liquor mouthwash). Ships ahoy!

CBXB