Fresh off a ship (my liver is having fun wringing itself out), I thought I’d share my classy, trashy (it is Wednesday after all) tactics for hilarity on a boat.
First, one must kick the trip off with a photo bomb.
Then upon boarding the ship, you must rush to your room and make sure the liquor mouthwash you carefully packed did not get confiscated from luggage (God forbid any money is spent aboard the ship – keeping it low-budget, now!).
Next, you must check out the personalized party favors gifted from the gang you’re traveling with…thus finding out where you rank popularity-wise (don’t get your hopes up too high).
To ease your mother’s mind, send her a picture of yourself to ensure the height of the railings are high enough to prevent you from falling overboard into the sea.
To make your trip above and beyond entertaining, you should seek out the loudest, crudest, funniest, could give a rat’s ass what you think (one of them went to boat jail before even stepping aboard the ship because she forgot that she had bullets in her purse – true story) ladies to be your cruise BFFs, calling attention to every single thing you do.
Having boisterous new pals will make complete strangers come up and want your pictures taken with you.
I also suggest adopting a cruise pet to keep you mind off your little fur ball anxiously awaiting your return home (I MISSED YOU TEDDY!).
To really make a famous ass of yourself on a cruise, get tipsy (because it’s raining, you have nothing else to do but drink all day long) and when you’re making your way to the bathroom, stop and dance with a complete stranger (she was having her own fun, so I needed to join in) on the deck. Because all eyes will be on the two of you, be sure you still have your swimsuit on at 10pm for the complete effect and then act as if you’ve never ever danced a step in your entire f’n life (I was going to upload a short video a friend captured on a phone but wanted to save face…and the fee that WordPress wants for video uploading is a tad ridiculous for my use).
All of your dancing nonsense will gain your first place finish in a very special contest. I woke up to this on our cabin door:
All in all, if you follow my steps carefully, you will have a hazy recollection of a fun, eventful, laugh ’til you throw up kinda cruise trip. And you really won’t care that you made an ass of yourself (provided you drink all of your liquor mouthwash). Ships ahoy!