Do These Boots Make My Calves Look Fat?

Why yes, yes they do.

Living in Nashville the closest department store we have that could be called semi-chic would be our teeny, tiny Nordstrom. While visiting Miami, I got giddy (like leave nose and finger prints on the outside glass window giddy) as I perused the luxury stores at the Bal Harbor Shops.  When I sat down to try on upscale (compared to my Nine West usuals) boots, I felt like Cinderella getting to try on fancy footwear I drool over online.

After about three seconds, I found my fairy tale boots.

Oh Baby

Oh yeah. I’m in Bal Harbor, pawing every boot in sight!

Oh the highly coveted red soles....sigh.

Oh the highly coveted red soles….sigh.

Then I slid my foot in, expecting for my life to be suddenly transformed when I zipped them up and strut about the store. And that’s when the storybook magic abruptly stopped.

So you're sayin' there's a chance?

The life changing moment.

And, my life was transformed. I discovered I had fat calves from f’ing running up Nashville hills and these boots would only zip for a rich, skinny calf. Now I was the ugly step sister, not Cinderella.

I wish I didn't run hills.

Look how far the zipper is from closing!

The clock didn’t even need to strike midnight before my boot dreams were dashed.


Turning to pumpkins before my very eyes!

But never fear, my ultra generous Fairy Godmother appeared! And after a wave of her wand, I was gifted these fabulous, non-calf-discriminating boots (which are beyond gorgeous and way more my speed than the knee-high (or what I call hooker) boots)!

They look so good outside of my Laundry Wing

Thank God my ankles are skinny!

And poof!  I was transformed into the Belle of Chanel.

Now how do I ration calories from my calves?

Seriously. How?



40 thoughts on “Do These Boots Make My Calves Look Fat?

  1. You crack me up every time. Fat calves….hmmm….I hope I can sleep alright.

  2. I think something wrong with the design of the boots not your calves. By the way, you look beautiful on that first picture.

  3. Same thing happened me when I visited Florida at Christmas!! I hate it when they don’t zip up, especially when the saleslady is there LOOKING !! Nice manicure !!

  4. I have the same boot problem! Issue being that most boots are made with a 16 inch opening where most people need 16.5….but those look like they wouldn’t even suit that. Go ahead and search extended calf boots…they always make my calves have a rich bitch day.

  5. rebecca2000 says:

    I want shoes with red souls. 😉 You need ones with pink. lol I do love the last pair too.

  6. John says:

    Good luck on rations for your legs, the boots are hot!

  7. If those red soles are designed by who I think they are, Louboutin actually redesigned Barbie’s ankles because he thought they were cankles, for god sakes. Barbie!! Cankles!! This is definitely one time you can blame it on the shoe maker. Although… I can’t say I wouldn’t consider not walking for a year if it meant I could fit in to a pair of his boots…

    • Whaaa?! I had no clue Louboutin redesigned Barbie’s ankles! Cankles?! Now my calves feel a little better about themselves. I am now on a walking hiatus because to fit in a pair of those red soles would be divine!

  8. I imagine your calves are fine. It’s the boots designers’ problem, for imagining an idealized leg that few women have. (I’ll bet that boot will be on the mark-down rack soon, because it won’t fit real people).

    • I love your outlook, my friend! And now I am in total and utter agreement with you!

      • I’ve had difficulties, learning to accept my body because it doesn’t fit the “ideal.”

        You’re probably too young to remember the standard perfect legs that specified a person is supposed to be able to see three diamonds of light through them when you stand with your feet touching.

        Where to people come up with these dumb ideas?–It’s obvious (to me, at least) that beautiful people come in a shapes, sizes and colors? And I’m pretty sure you’re one of them.

      • You are so sweet Tracy Lee! You know, I am not sure where people come up with the ideals – or what we’re ‘supposed’ to look like but I wish they would think of us normal gals! And three diamonds of light?! That is craziness.

  9. The belle of Chanel. You rock! I can’t find black boots for the life of me. It’s my new “get” mission in life–to find the perf BB. Not at the ChaCha price point, sigh, but not from walmart, either!

    • Have you ever tried Nine West? They typically have all kinds of boot styles and I’ve found they’re pretty comfortable. Now, this time of year you may not find what you’re looking for – but maybe you will on super sale!

      • Thanks, been there, done that! I am nothing if not an obsessive shopper. Nord, Nord Rack, Macy’s, Bloomies, Cole Haan where I did find some totes adorbs but at $350, a bit too pricy!!!, all the specialty stores, now I need to go either back to South Coast Plaza or down to San Diego to Fashion Valley. I’m a very picky shoe shopper!!!! And as much as I’m a vegetarian, I can’t stand all man made materials and that fake leather! Ok, guess I’m a hypocrite, I’ll own it.

      • Ha! A vegetarian who can’t stand fake leather? I think that makes you a vegenista!

  10. longtooth says:

    the non-calf-discriminators look so much better than the ‘hooker’ (your words, not mine 🙂 ) boots. As for your calves….there’s yoga and aerobics…but google and read about the ‘Calf stretch’. That’ll work.

Holla at me!

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