Key West White Trash

White trash can be fabulously trashy, right? Right?!

To me, being white trash is knowing better but doing it anyway, while not giving a rat’s ass what anyone thinks – which is a category I may fall into because I feel it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission in most cases.

So I brought the fabulous trash to Key West (not on purpose but this trait just tends to shine through on me)…

Checking into the hotel, I spied a hammock screaming for me to come and have happy hour cocktails on it.  I immediately went over and took a seat (if that’s what you call laying on a hammock).

Happy Hammock

Happy Hammock Time

I promptly turned into a Captain Morgan model with no makeup and a shoddy ponytail, while continuously sipping (gulping – I was on vacation don’t judge!) my Skinny Pirates.

Fancy Tails

Fancy Tails

Noticing a wedding taking place behind me on the beach made me think about crashing it but then I’d have to get up off the hammock. No bueno.

This is what a crasher looks like

This is what I look like as a wedding crasher.

And as this nosy gal was trying to sit up for a better view of the nuptials, I ended up flipping the hammock all the way over, landing legs up for all of the tourists trying to enjoy a quiet drink on their patio viewing pleasure. I’m pretty sure I ruined quiet time anyone was trying to have because I was laughing so loudly (a fun or annoying trait of mine, depending on how you look at it)…I think I actually heard a few room doors slam shut. Oops.

My landing view wasn’t all that bad. And then I laid in the sand for a second – 1) to make sure I didn’t break anything and 2) the sand was a nice, fine sand providing a nice, fine cushion. I kinda wanted to take a nap there.

Palm me

Palm me.

While I didn’t end up snoozing under the hammock, my world was a little fuzzy due to the head bump (and four Skinny Pirates I just enjoyed), so didn’t it make sense to jump into this beautiful, fuzzy pool?

On a dare, jump into this fuzzy pool because it seems like a good idea.

This would have felt better in a swimsuit.

Think the classy hijinks stopped there? I wish. Hanging poolside the following day proved to be a lesson in classy for this gal.

A trashy gal hanging at the pool

Tranquil pool no more with CBXB’s arrival.

Heckle the nice lady trying swim laps around the boozers on floaties enjoying their vacation in a non-lap sized pool because she’s making you feel bad about not exercising (and creating a wake in the pool, hence making tipsy people feel tipsier). OK, I didn’t heckle her really but I did sneak a snapshot because she was ultra serious about these laps, wearing a hair cap and a nose plug like an Olympian swimmer.

Why you gotta work out lady?

Why you gotta work out lady while I’m trying to act like a lazy fat ass on vacay?!

Being that I typically stay at hotels where I am required to wear flip-flops like they are a natural part of my feet, I was just getting used to the pool boy bringing cocktails. Then, a gentleman came by and asked if I wanted a frozen towel. Of course I wanted a free frozen towel!

what the...

But what do you do with this thingy?

I mean it felt good against my check but what the…?

Things that make you go, hmm...I usually stay at the super 8 with bed bugs

Things that make you go, hmm…

I took a peek at some classier pool gals and then joined in on the “what you do with a frozen towel fun” after I was able to finally get my frozen towel unrolled by dunking it into the pool (therefore defeating the purpose of the frozeness but oh well).

Burn notice.

Burn notice.

And while I was unintentionally sprinkling my fabulously trashiness all over Key West, I ran (well really spotted from behind) into someone who raised the bar.  This chick was walking hand-in-hand with an albino-like red-head who seemed oblivious to what her shorts read.

there were 1,378 men following this lady and her "shorts"

I Heart Black Guys. Which isn’t a bad thing if you are actually holding hands with a black guy instead of the King of Sunblock.

There were 1,378 men following this lady and her “shorts” (which actually looked like swimsuit bottoms they were so tight) acting like discrete (and not accomplishing) paparazzi, trying to get a picture of this chick (and of course I had to join in the chase to snap this pic).  I actually thought I might see her on the evening news there was so much hoopla surrounding her.

Which made me think I needed to get a pair of shorts that read I Heart Furry Cats. Think I’d get the same reaction?

Just trying to keep it classy.



38 thoughts on “Key West White Trash

  1. I totes got the Jels! This looks so much fun!

  2. OMG – to dand funny. Hope you are having/had a good time!

  3. AGIE says:

    LOL!!! You totally should have crashed it.. That would have been hillarious! lmbo!!

  4. Hahaha, so funny. I cannot wait for you to make the shorts “I Heart Furry Cats”

  5. Healthy Glow Nutrition says:

    Omg! I laughed my ass off at those shorts! Some people are really oblivious. And who the hell swims laps on vacation? Seriously people like that should f$&k off! Vacations are for drinking and tanning and more drinking. In that order lol unless your vacation is 6 months long I say relax for a week or stay home! Loved this post 🙂 🙂

    • Thanks Girl! And, I totally agree with you – and it was hilarious watching the lady be annoyed by all of the people getting in the way of her laps. Made me want to jump in and do a canon ball just for shits and giggles as she was trying to do a turn around!

  6. Phil Lanoue says:

    I don’t think you so much trashed up the place as classed up the place.
    Seriously? Doing laps in the freakin pool wearing nose plugs and swim cap while real people are trying hard to get their vacay on?! That would cause me to order my next drink a double just on spec.

    • I did do a day shot in her honor after she scowled at me when I splashed her on accident. Then I got into the pool and stood where she was doing turnarounds…I’m such a shit! And thanks for thinking I classed up the joint – no one usually thinks of me while using that word! 🙂

  7. All that fun stuff going on in the post and all I can think about is what a douche that swimmer lady probably was! Hello? Trying to get drunk in the sun here!

  8. 1EarthUnited says:

    LOL! You really know how to enjoy yourself, cause I sure am from reading your hijinks. 😀
    Hahaha, if your shorts read I Heart Furry Cats, I’m sure all the attention would miraculously shift to the front of your shorts! Hilarious post kick-ass classy. ♥

  9. Why is it that I immediately think of you when I get an email from Covergirl about their new DIY nail art?

  10. I’m going to remember that first line…easier to ask for forgiveness than permission! Love it…

  11. bahah! only in key west will you see a woman in a pair of shorts gotta love it!!

  12. st sahm says:

    LULZin’ at your hammock shenanigans.

    What a fun getaway!

  13. dannadesigns says:

    Fun and Hilarious! I dig your towel phone and I don’t even know where you would find a pair of those shorts in the last pic. LOL!

  14. Mitzie Mee says:

    The pic of those shorts are priceless! Especially considering her red-head boyfriend. *LOL*

  15. JK Bevill - Lost Creek Publishing says:

    Reblogged this on lost creek publishing.

  16. deanjbaker says:

    be good to see you on my other social sites

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