How to Fight an 80-Year-Old Man

Typically, I have an ultra soft spot for old men. They remind me of my grandfathers who are no longer around and I’m just mushy over them. Well, no more.

I was recently at a roadhouse restaurant, catching up with my Strawberry Martini partner-in-crime, G (click here to read about our shenanigans).  It was a catch-up kind of night because she’s a hard-working mama of a seven-month-old, so it was a treat to have some girl time and good, loud laughs.  And when I say laughs, I mean the kind that get you into an almost brawl with a grouchy 80-year-old man.

Who me, loud?

Who me, loud?

To set the scene, here is what caution hangs on the wall of the restaurant:


Peanuts on the floor, loud music playing.

Jukebox country music blaring through the speakers, a full dining room of chit chatting eaters and bustling servers running back and forth from guests to the kitchen surrounded our girl talking table.

G showed me this picture of little baby M and her big sis, B. Bob and I busted out laughing.

Cutest bunnies in Nashville.

Cutest bunnies in Nashville.

Now, I don’t have the daintiest laugh in the world. It doesn’t necessarily make ears bleed but it did set off a silent alarm once. Quiet just isn’t in my nature and most of my laughs are the big belly kind.


Trying to compete with the jukebox.

Well, my loudness over the funny bunny picture really pissed off an ancient (I can say this because he was f’ing with me) diner in the booth behind G.  After my outburst, he turned around and mocked my laugh right in G’s ear.  I was dumbfounded for a fraction of a second, then all I could say to G was, “Seriously? Did that seriously just happen? Seriously?”

Typically non-confrontational, always has something sweet to say G got mad. Like mom mad.  Nobody mocks her noisy CBXB! She got up and went to the old asshole’s side and said, “Sir I apologize if we offended you but my girlfriend and I are just having fun and catching up.”

Mom'd out!

Don’t mess with this chick or she’ll Mom out!

He looked up at her angelic face and shouted, “YOU INTERRUPTED MY MEAL!” while stabbing his steak knife into the slab of meat on his plate (and might I again remind you this is a casual, casual, casual, loud restaurant).  She responded with something like, “I’m sorry you don’t know how to have a good time,” and returned to her seat where she turned her volume up while commenting to me how rude people can be.

Shame on you!

Shame on you, Antique Boy!

The furious former young man called a manager to his table, asked for to-go boxes and basically made a scene as if I had just punched him in the face (which isn’t where my first choice of body violence would have occurred on this son of a bitch). While he was leaving, his silent wife was cowered behind him, carrying both of their meals…poor lady.

I thought maybe I had overreacted until white-haired, wrinkly man with what looked like a rat’s nest on top of his head (the kind you get from sleeping on the same side of the pillow for 29,219 days while never once combing (or washing) your hair – ever) said, “I’m never coming back here again.” All I could think to say was, “Good riddance.”


Did I do that?

I think that this restaurant should give G and I free wine and appetizers whenever we return due to the fact that we saved the establishment from this pesky, bothersome, never satisfied, stick-in-the-mud raisin from ever returning again.

You’re welcome, roadhouse.

CBXB and G


61 thoughts on “How to Fight an 80-Year-Old Man

  1. aliciabenton says:

    Ha – Your title made me laugh before I even read the rest of your post! I, too, have that soft spot for old men (man, that sounds creepy), but some can just be so damn ornery. Cheer up, you old grouch.

  2. Living in Florida I’ve dealt with my fair share of crotchety coots and fun loving seniors. What cracks me up is when one acts that way and the other tells them to bugger off and learn to enjoy life.

  3. I imagine that you are a really, really loud person. I’m getting a headache just thinking about having you in the booth behind me. “OH MY GOD, LET ME TELL YOU ANOTHER FUNNY STORY ABOUT MY PUSSY CAT!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH CAT BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH DRINK BLAH BLAH BLAH PUSSY CAT!! Lol.

  4. Hey, I doubt it would have hurt him if you had hit him where you truly would have wanted to hit him…So face was probably best bet. 🙂

  5. LMAO!!! I have no idea how you kept your cool. It would be one thing if he did that huffing and stupid stare thing (can you tell I’ve been in a similar situation) but to mock your laugh. Holy cow bells…that would have put me over the edge. Oh and by the way, I would love to hang out with you – those belly-laugh-out-loud kind of laughs are the best!

  6. Very cool!!!!! Love it!

  7. hahah!! wow! damn white hairs, always looking to ruin a good time! glad you had your girl with you to open some mom whoop ass on that oldie!!

  8. Holy crap! That picture of G giving “The Look” made me almost have to close your post! To much to take, I hate “The Look” when it is aimed at me. That’s why the geezer ain’t comin’ back.

  9. My grandad used to say that people either turn sweet or sour in old age – and that happily he drank enough scotch to never sour.
    You would have loved having him sit behind you & your dainty laugh!!!!!
    Never ever ever EVER change for the nasties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Hahaha! Sadly, my grandfather became one of those. Don’t let miserable people change you darling 🙂

  11. Phil Lanoue says:

    You have just described a typical Myrtle Beach tourist (or resident/retiree). What’s even more fun is when these 117 year old people get in the car to drive home and do their best to crash me by suddenly and inappropriately turning left in front of my motorcycle. Like I said, fun.

  12. FreeUrCloset says:

    Hello?! Did the old dude not understand what Texas Roadhouse is all about? – peanut throwing and loud banter, lol. That’s what I fo there for.
    xo Natasha

  13. I think sometimes that we are under the misapprehension that the older generation have better manners

  14. LifeOfBun says:

    Haha I love your wide smiles 😀 great pics! And he definitely fits the stereotype of frumpy grandpa :/

  15. Mh, sounds familiar, my kind of laugh is pretty similar to what you’re describing. Even friends will still look at me and go: “woooo, that was loud!”

    Grumpy people like that are just “meh”.

  16. I’d KICK HIM IN THE NUTS. I can be oh so loud too!

  17. marisaporter says:

    Oh wow……wow. That’s all I can say. And please go out to eat with me. I like having fun.

  18. lycly says:

    Haha -good riddance in right? That guys poor wife!

  19. See, who is dumb enough to mess with a mom…well deserved.

  20. Ok, I have to confess, you have so much fun that I have to limit my visits here! This is TOO FUNNY! and I agree, what an old AH. Why does he think he is going to get white tablecloth treatment in a place with loud music and peanut carpeting? sometimes you just can’t fix stupid! Go MOM! and fyi, I would have burst out laughing at that photo too, SOOOOO ADORABLE! You go girl, and yes you and mom deserve free appetizers and drinks for life for getting rid of the dead wood. Pun intended!

    • Jenna! Love the intended pun! And I know I can exhaust folks when they stop by with my non-stop antics. 🙂 It’s fabulous having friends that are now protective Moms…comes in handy when dealing with old fuddy duddys at steakhouses!!

  21. […] photobomb like it’s my career, my dainty laugh makes 80-year-old men want to fight me,  I have a knack for getting strange dudes to send me dick pics and I’m on the brink of being […]

  22. holley4734 says:

    Some people really don’t know how to have fun! lol 🙂

  23. […] that’s my girl G. The one who almost fought an 80-year-old in defense of my loud […]

  24. […] all of the difficulties the two of us ladies were having, my gal pal G (you know, the one who yelled at the 80-year-old man) decided to bring her pull into this uncooperative wine […]

  25. […] night called for a birthday party for my gal pal G (you know, the one who defended my honor and almost fought an 80-year-old man). It was a real treat to see these […]

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