How to Get a Kiss From a New Kid on the Block

I kissed a New Kid and I liked it…

New Kids on the Block made the Earth go ’round when I was a kid in the early ’90s.  So finding out a tour would be stopping in Nashville, how could I say no to a concert with Boyz II Men (who were utterly fantastic), 98 Degrees (eh, mid-tempo sucky songs but featured a very hot Nick Lachey) and NKOTB?

OMG! OMG! OMG! I think I see JOey!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I think I see Joey!

In order to stand out (or in my case, make a complete asshole of myself), dig your old concert t-shirt out and wear it proudly to the show (I can only wear t-shirts I did as a kid because I was a fat kid – that and my chest size has remained the same…lucky me!).

Bringing it back with vintage, baby.

Bringing it back with vintage, baby.

Once arriving to the arena, just scream your brains out while waiting for the dream boats to take the stage.

I couldn't stop singing to pose for a pic.

I couldn’t stop shrieking to pose for a pic.

Then the lights go down, the moment arrives and you act like you’re seeing The Beatles’ American debut.

Fab Five! OMG!

Fab Five! OMG!

Holy shit! They're here! we acted like we were seeing the Beatles American debut.

Holy shit! They’re here!

Because I have sharp joints, I was able to elbow my way up to the walkway and oogle over my new favorite New Kid (Joey – now with a grown up name of Joe has always been my favorite, as we were going to get married, live in Boston, have three kids and five dogs but for some reason, I’m falling a little short of that dream as I’m currently not married to him and the love of my life is a cat…hmm…) Donnie Wahlberg.

Donnie and his sparkly skull belt = my match made in heaven.

Donnie and his sparkly skull belt = my match made in heaven.

And then, it was further confirmed that we were destined to be together once I saw his abs.

And then, it was further confirmed that we were destined to be together once I saw his abs.

So as I jostled my way up to the barrier where NKOTB walked from the main stage to a stage in the middle of the crowd, I immediately hatched a plan to be a stand-out in a sea of 14,994 ladies (there were about 6 dudes in attendance that I could see).

What NKOTB member wouldn't appreciate a fuchsia lip? I had to stand out in the crowd of 14, 994 women.

What NKOTB member wouldn’t appreciate a fuchsia lip?

After you gussy yourself up, put on your nonchalant, I am not a super huge fan (although I’m currently wearing your face at 18 years of age on my t-shirt) face and wait for your selected NKOTB member to fall in love with you in one fateful glance.

Primped and ready to go! Oh Donnie!!!

Primped and ready to go! Oh Donnie!!!

And then, something truly amazing happened. As the New Kids were running through and slapping hands at the end of the show, I was patiently waiting for Donnie to look my way when, out of nowhere Jonathan Knight stopped right in front of me, put his hand behind my head, pulled me in and kissed me on the lips. Like kiss kissed (that is until my two girlfriends (Bitches! Stealing my moment!) cock blocked me and yanked him their way, which forced a security guard to pull my new love away from me).

This is what happened when gay lips hit mine. Isn't that just like a gay man to be considerate, thoughtful and bake sure confetti drops from the sky while kissing a needy fan?!

This is what happened when his lips hit mine. Wasn’t it sweet he arranged confetti to drop at the exact moment we were having our ‘moment’?

As I watched my new-found love being whisked away, I demanded to stay until he came back out and asked me to join him on the tour bus. But security got to my group first and pushed us out of the arena. F’ing guards doing their jobs. Ugh.

Being that I was on cloud nine (and still am calling and texting my friends daily to remind them of my encounter) all I could do while walking to the car was celebrate.



Then it dawned on me…I was just open mouth kissed by a man I can never have. No, not because I’m a bad kisser – because Jonathan is the gay man of the group. F! But wait, what woman doesn’t want a gorgeous gay man by her side, telling her how pretty she looks, what shoes go best with skinny jeans and a constant guide in the area of whether I need the push up bra or not.  I’m going to ask this man to marry me.

I think I went wrong in using the fuchsia lipstick to attract Donnie, as only a gay man can truly, truly appreciate the color. But it was fate.

Hey, did I tell you that I kissed Jonathan Knight from New Kids on the Block?

I’ll be sure to remind you of it again tomorrow.



31 thoughts on “How to Get a Kiss From a New Kid on the Block

  1. heysugarsugar says:

    OMG fucking hilarious have made my week! 🙂 I have been in an awful funk as you know and reading this just cracked me up…when it got to the gay part I laughed out loud here 🙂 awesome post. I wrote one similar in December minus the kiss and the gay but a lot of fan girling with my best friend.
    ( )..we should all go fan girl together one day, your such a funny writer..thank you for the smile. Ceri x

  2. LifeOfBun says:

    OMG ahaha awesome. 😀 The odds!

  3. Mitzie Mee says:

    OMG!!! Did your lipstick leave a mark on him?

  4. dannadesigns says:

    Awesome! A 90’s girl’s dream come true!. You are fantastic and a big congratulations for your Kiss from a New Kid (the reminders are hilarious). 😉

    • Thanks – I went straight back into hyper kid mode AS SOON as NKOTB took the stage (obviously). But getting the kiss, if I had told myself as a kid that would happen, I would have died of happiness on the spot.

  5. Phil Lanoue says:

    You are really too much! (in a good way) Gotta love ya!

  6. vudragovich says:

    Oh! And no Skinny Pirate stories?
    Did that kiss strike you sober or something?
    I know aliens abducted our real CBXB!
    Give her back!

  7. vudragovich says:

    OMG! OMG! OMG! I think I see your tonsils 😛

    SOLID CONGRATS! on the bountiful chest!
    Huh? Oh! and losing the weight, I got distracted…

    You did much better with Teddy than that guy (could not stand that group then and probably not much better today)

    That lipstick was bright and you could try that whole Elaine thing and getting Johnathan to switch teams…?

    Or just keep him as another bud to hang out in your fabulous new closet and pick out shoes! (if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it)

    Congrats on a good evening with everything you have going on!
    Plus Johnathan might be able to put a good word in with Donnie! There is hope yet!

    • Thank you! I actually thought about not going to the concert, as I felt I was so slammed. But ended up being such a fun time AND then I got THE kiss.

      It was the lipstick. And, I think I will see if Jonathan wants to be a permanent fixture in my new closet!

  8. Hey, at least you can say you kissed a member of NKOTB….I’d say not a lot of people could claim that, then remembered the late ’80’s & early ’90’s. On the bright side, at least you were kissed by the one who used to date Tiffany! 😉

  9. That is like the totally greatest thing I’ve heard today! Please remember to use a lot of Purell on your lips–if he’s gay, we have NO idea where his lips have been –oh wait, we DO have an idea. LOL

  10. You could have stayed around and been their nurse after the show. I bet their old bones snapped like cheap firewood doing those dance moves they did 20 years ago. 🙂 glad you had a great time!

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