How Many Bitches Does It Take to Open a Bottle of Wine?

At a recent bachelorette party, we wanted a little swig of wine before leaving (and to be honest, carry in our plastic cups during our walk) to the bar.  Being the oh-so-smart ladies we are, no one brought a wine opener for the bottles so we called down to the front desk. And after about 30 minutes (they apparently don’t keep them on hand…at a downtown Nashville hotel…WTF?), one arrived.  I thought my years of deep expertise uncorking bottle after bottle of vino would suffice and I offered to open the damn thing that we could hardly wait to get our tongues on.  But I was wrong. Way wrong.

Not a job for one...but two...

Not a job for one…but two…

This cork would.not.budge. It seemed really crusty (if that is even possible for a cork) and we had the shittiest wine opener on the planet (the kind that makes a T at the top with a tiny spiral attached).

If I had on a skirt, I'd have rug burns on my knees

Coco’s leg power and my spaghetti arms were no match for this bitch.

Not if G can help it!

If I had been wearing a skirt, I’d still have rug burns on my knees.

With all of the difficulties the two of us ladies were having, my gal pal G (you know, the one who yelled at the 80-year-old man) decided to bring her pull into this uncooperative wine bottle.

Tug-o-wine war

Tug-o-wine war.

This was one serious cork

Three ladies, no luck.

Realizing Coco was outnumbered by G and yours truly, LK entered the corking contest, pulling and tugging on the biceps of our resident redhead.

And the fourth gal got involved, trying to help Coco

Eight arms outsmarted by one defiant jug of vino.

When it was all said and done (and I was thankfully not pulled apart into two pieces) this fucking cork refused to budge.

No such luck but a great arm work out.

No luck but a great arm work out.

We then decided it would behoove us to push the cork down into the wine. And then it started disintegrating before our eyes, breaking in half and making me want to start bawling while kicking my arms and legs on the floor in true tantrum style. I WANT WINE DAMMIT!

All of that for half a cork still in the f'ing bottle

All of that for half a cork still in the f’ing bottle.

Then Coco used what strength she had left in her arms to push the stupid piece of shit into the liquid we all needed so badly. SCORE!

Cork pieces taste so good

Pieces of cork really add something special to a glass of pinot noir.

And that folks is how it takes four bitches to “open” a bottle of red wine.

I know, so classy. Expect anything else from this chick?

I didn’t think so.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

37 thoughts on “How Many Bitches Does It Take to Open a Bottle of Wine?

  1. vudragovich says:

    If your comment would allow me to reply, I would rub it on like salt on a margarita glass! Or maybe more gently like salt on your hand of a tequila shot…mmm…thirsty!

  2. A hotel without a bottle opener!

  3. Haha fire years, I carried a bottle opener around in my handbag to avoid just this experience but they are pretty redundant now. Almost all wine in Australia (even the imported stuff) now comes with a scew top which in no way effects the quality of the wine. It was sad to see the corks go but honestly it is waaaaaay less of a pain in the arse.

  4. vudragovich says:

    Been there done that…once! Stick w whiskey, you do not have that problem. Also, you need to type slower or I need to read slower. You said “…wearing a skirt, I’d still…” I had to look at the picture again thinking “I KNOW she had a shirt on”…how guys think…deal with it 🙂

    • Did you get your caps lock problem solved?!
      I typically drink liquor but once I had my sights set on that damn bottle of wine, it’s what I HAD to have (I can be such a baby). And next time I am writing about attire I will write, “wearing a s k i r t.” Does that help?

      • vudragovich says:

        T h a n k y o u f o r t h e t y p i n g assist 😀
        No still having cap lock prob, just on the computer, not the cell.
        I also want to brag, opened a bottle of wine for some ladies (next door had a red hat party) and did not make any of the mistakes mentioned above!

      • Oh you flawlessly opened a bottle of wine? Rub it in why don’t ya!

  5. Haha, so classy! Glad you ladies got your vino on. Cheers :)!

  6. kellisamson says:

    I so needed a read like this tonight. Thank you! And you need to start spelling “classy” with a “k.” 🙂

  7. LifeOfBun says:

    Perfectly practical hahaaaa 😀

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