How to go to Rehab in Vegas and Not Get Peed on by R. Kelly

Yes, I went to Rehab in Vegas. And no it’s not the typical rehab you’re thinking of (it’s OK mom, no need to have a heart attack).

The Hard Rock Casino’s pool is known as Rehab and while I was gracing Vegas with my presence, the pool celebrated its 10th anniversary with none other than R. Kelly hosting the party AND performing.  How could I not go once I was invited by friends who were staying at the casino?

LOL

Me not attend a shindig? LOL.

Security was beyond tight, getting into the pool.  I was frisked up one side and down the other, had to take my sunglasses and hat off and my wallet was violated by dirty security guard fingers poking through its contents. My sunscreen was sniffed and the book my friend brought (yeah, not sure why we thought a book was appropriate for this party) was combed through. After this search, any airport security shenanigans will forever feel like a breeze.

Once granted entry, a peaceful (not for long) oasis awaited our arrival.  If you can, acquire a lounger if at all financially possible or you will get to stand in the yellow (that’s surely supposed to be blue) wading pool all day, waiting for your toenails to fall off.

Acquire a lounger if at all financially possible.

For your safety, put a towel between your body and the cushion. Just sayin’.

We had no problems getting all cozy and pretending as if this was an everyday occurrence in life.  For instance, when the waitress came by and told us about “the amazing special we have today for our anniversary. It’s a bottle of Ketel One Citroen and it’s only $495,” my jaw only remained open for 13 seconds instead of the typical 25 minutes that this kind of information would implore me to do. Nor did I say that I could go get that same bottle for $30 at my liquor store. Nor did I ask how much a bottle of $9 Skol vodka would cost. That’s how well I pretended. Impressed, aren’t you?

No big deal

Please. We do this every day. Can I get a tap water?

After my “I’m not impressed at your expensive price for regular liquor face” I couldn’t help but notice the buckets of Bud Light (only $75 for 12 – such a fair price) and the bottles of Ketel One being delivered to the Argentinian bachelor party bed in front of us.

Rehab

Upon conversing with the tipsy crew, they asked us if Sunday came after Saturday. Wonder what was really in the Ketel One bottles…

When the sticker shock sinks in, go to the bar (and be sure the bartender is the opposite sex) about 22 times and ask to sample the frozen drinks because you’re just not sure which one you want.

Sampler platter.

Sampler platter. That’s how I roll.

Attire is key when attending a soiree hosted by R. Kelly.  It’s important that you put on your finest threads.

Finest threads

Yes, I said threads.

It’s always more fun when you meet new friends, so go do it.

I saw this tall drink of gay water walking out of the pool with his tank top reading $uper Rich.  Our newfound friendship became further solidified when his partner came up in his DJ Angel Kitty tank. Yes, I said DJ Angel Kitty (and yes, my cray cray over my cat, Ted came up in conversation about 1.4 million times upon laying eyes on Dude #2’s shirt).

Gaywich

CBXB gaywich.

Angel kitty

Hello. I think we’re clothing soul mates.

If you’re worried about covering up your less-than-perfect body parts, no worries – you will fit right in at Rehab. I mean, check this gentleman out. As you can see, he was feeling a little insecure about his chest. But the beer belly was out in full glory.

Not this guy with his beer belly AC.

The beer belly AC technique.

When the host started singing, folks were a tad worried about getting pissed on. At least that’s what everyone kept saying (as he’s apparently known for doing this to women, specifically. Classy guy).

No peeing!

I didn’t see any urine.

Bananas

These people would have had zero clue if it even started raining, let alone if any type of body excrement fell on them.

Hearing all of this talk about number one led me to do some hiding, so that I could remain in a pristine, slightly sweaty state.

Hide behind a flag

I hid behind a flag with all of my new buddies.

Or a horse head.

I hid behind a horse head.

Or borrow a hat from a stranger and hide under it.

My friend borrowed a hat from a stranger and hid under it.

Hide behind friends

Lastly, I hid under a dog pile. I refused to get pissed on!

After playing hide and seek from the party host, keep the party going by twerking in front of complete strangers.

Twerk it

Nice angle.

Then help your new gay bestie keep the dance going by spanking him to the beat of songs.

Keep it going

Seriously? You like this?

And twerk.

My hand hurts.

Once everyone’s dancing heartbeats are back to a resting state, grab another cocktail and keep the nothing but classy Rehab anniversary party alive (further assuring your spot in a different kind of rehab in the future. Maybe even the next day).

New gay Argentinian

This is our party, we can do what we want.

As you’re having too much fun, you’ll lose track of time and suddenly look around at an empty pool and spy two police men, giving you the evil eye to get the F out of the area.

Oops

Two of LV’s nicest and finest giving our crew the boot – after we snapped a pic, of course.

And that my friends is how you survive an R. Kelly hosted Rehab party at the Hard Rock.

Any questions?

CBXB

CBXB!

24 thoughts on “How to go to Rehab in Vegas and Not Get Peed on by R. Kelly

  1. filbio says:

    LOL! Ia have been there too. It’s the human petri-dish of pools. I hope you had your shots after you got back!

    • It was DISGUSTING! So much so that I felt the need to drink alcohol so that I would forget how germy it was there. People were walking in the bathrooms with no shoes on! And laying on the beds with no towels! Makes my skin crawl all over again thinking about it. But, it was fun!

  2. M says:

    looks like fun….

  3. A gaywich? lol. Well that whole even sounds just awful to me, but I’m sure you loved it.

  4. LifeOfBun says:

    I refused to get pissed on! Haha quote of the day, glamour at its best. :’D You look fabulous in that gaywich for sure though.

  5. FreeUrCloset says:

    The gaywich is by far the best photo op I have seen on your blog. Forget about man candy, I would feature these two guys for their incredible sense of fashion (love their tanks) and for their love of being spanked on the dance floor. Great post!

    • Thanks! The gaywich fellas certainly made my day all the more brighter. AND had me doubled over in laughter every second we were together. The cherries on top? They had their nails painted WAY better than me with neon pinks and blues. *Sigh* Why couldn’t I be a gay man???!

  6. Lord, that first picture nearly gave me a heart attack. You are hilarious! You have a sexy bikini bod :).

    • No heart attacks necessary – my mouth did not touch any other person. It’s the angle of the photo! Thanks for the bikini compliment – I was just tan enough to think I could post it. That, and I was sandwiched between two fab gays!

  7. I’m undecided as to whether I’d enjoy this particular experience had it been me in your stead…

  8. breezyk says:

    haha looks like fun! Security was crazy tight when I went to Wet Republic in Vegas too.. they took away my gum and tylenol! Why the need?

  9. Someone so needs to make a movie of your life. You are hilarious!
    Shelly

  10. Phil Lanoue says:

    Yeah but if you did end up getting pissed on it could potentially have originally gone in as $495 a bottle vodka, so that’s gotta count for something right?! :mrgreen:

  11. SerachShiro says:

    Hahaha…….you had a great time and make a lot of new friends, what a magnificent party 🙂 !

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