How to Be a Red Carpet Anybody

If you need a reminder of where you’re at on the food chain, try attending a fancy award show like I did for work last year.

Anybody gonna holla at me?

Anybody gonna holla at me? ANYONE?

Since the CMA Awards are being held in Nashville tonight, here’s a little tutorial in being somebody vs. anybody…

If you’re somebody, you get dropped off at the red carpet in a tricked out Chevrolet sponsored event car.

Lady Antebellum, being chauffeured to the red carpet entrance.

If you’re anybody else, you get to park two miles away, fending off a Chatty Cathy parking attendant (who also happens to be from Iowa and wants to talk your face off about it) and make your grand entrance on foot.

Finally making it to the red carpet – what did I miss?

If you’re somebody, you wait for the photographers to shout your name before appearing on the carpet.

Begging for the celebs.

Shawn Johnson, the retired Olympic gold medalist and Dancing With the Stars alum being cat called from the peanut gallery.

If you’re anybody else, you hide in this hallway while the star you’re accompanying soaks up the flash bulbs.

Where the star wranglers hunker down during red carpet photo moments. This hallway is directly behind the “stand and pose” photo wall.

Being somebody, you don’t need any announcement when you appear on the red carpet. Photographers and fans just know you and shout your name accordingly.

Lisa Marie Presley (yes, that Presley) needs no introductions (and yes, I was dying as I was snapping this photo).

When you’re anybody, your name appears in marker on a clipboard that is held up for the photographers just before you turn the corner to be photographed, ensuring people know who the hell you are.

A smattering of applause and a lone flashbulb for the anybodies of the red carpet.

When you’re somebody and you’ve recently got caught stepping out on your wife, you go to the awards show with her anyway (and a year later, you’re going through a divorce).

Jason Aldean and his once forgiving, now not-so-much wife.

If you’re anybody else and everyone knows you’re a cheat, you stay at home and watch the awards from your couch in your pajama pants you haven’t taken off for three days, a stale beer and yesterday’s pizza, feeling remorseful. But this is country music and cheating is a staple. Which is why there are songs referencing tears in beers.

When you’re somebody, you know you look good and work it all the way up and down the red carpet.

Lady Antebellum’s Hillary Scott strikes a pose in a form-fitting dress.

Jake Owen pranced around in a leopard blazer that I wanted to rip off his shoulders and keep all to myself (therefore giving him a complex that I was stalking him because I literally took 12 pictures of him down the carpet due to his jacket).

I seriously couldn't stop.

I seriously couldn’t stop.

When you’re anybody else, you blog about the perils of what to wear to the award show.

Does this vest make me look like somebody? DOES IT?

When you’re somebody, you get interviewed live by TV stations.

Tim Allen being interviewed by Evan Farmer of CMT.

When you’re anybody else, you crouch down in the corner ninja-style, trying to stay out of the camera’s shot or you’ll be kicked off the carpet. The horror.

The on my knees in the corner view.

The on my knees in the corner view.

If you’re somebody, you have no problems finding a plus one to be your date.

Lisa Marie Presley with her hipster hubs make one handsome couple.

When you’re anybody else, you have to hang with all of the other people who are working the show.


Plus one-less and workin’ it with hot men in uniforms. Poor me.

When you’re somebody, you perform on the massive stage.

2012 CMA Award show stage.

When you’re anybody else, you’re perfectly fine asking a stranger to take your picture (no shame…I have no shame) in front of it.

Anybody want to take my picture?

When you’re somebody, your entourage follows you up on stage to get you gussied up before the live performance.

Hair, make up and wardrobe folks putting the final touches on Carrie Underwood before her performance.

If you’re anybody else,Β  you have to take pictures back stage to remember where the bathroom is located, so you can brush your hair and reapply lipstick.

Which way to the ladies?

When you’re somebody, you blow the roof off the joint then head out to the after party.

Aided by the foggiest fog machine ever and blasting confetti, you would have thought it was New Year’s Eve during Carrie Underwood’s performance.

When you’re just anybody, you get to go and walk the empty red carpet before tearing it down.

Long walk to fame…

And then pose just like anybody else while no one calls your name.

No clipboard introduction necessary on the empty carpet.


Oh you need this side too? Here you go.

It’s rough trying to be anybody! Wish somebody would have told me.



78 thoughts on “How to Be a Red Carpet Anybody

  1. Your dates weren’t too shabby m’dear

  2. filbio says:

    You’re sure a mighty fine looking anybody! Yum!

  3. Oh Carrie Underwood……..those legs!!

    Looks like you had a good time for not being a somebody.

  4. It sounds like you had a great time!! You look great!

    New Blog Post: 10 Habits That Will Help You Succeed

  5. Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

    Just can’t compete with Marines in full dress. The magnificent bastards!

    Hey Cowboys, look over here! #snap πŸ˜‰

    • Did you get the pic? Or was my mouth open wide and eyes half shut?!

      And yeah, Marines in full dress kind of take your breathe away. Although, I had no problem talking incessantly while in their presence, of course.

      • Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

        Great pic! Sold it to the Enquirer!

        I think it will run in the Best Dressed Cool Cats edition.

        Marines are used to that I hear. They just say, “yes Ma’am” and listen intently.

      • They were the nicest Marines on the planet, then because I wouldn’t shut the F up.

        I’m going to be in the Enquirer Best Dressed Cool Cats issue? YES! I can now die happily! πŸ™‚

      • Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

        Yes. We are just using you to get to Bear! Can Bear come also? πŸ˜‰

        He’s so cute! OMG #Krewsqueal… πŸ˜‰

        OK, that’s enough of that.

        PS: Marines like cute girls to talk to them cause they aren’t really sure when that will happen again.

      • You can use me all you want to get to Bear – everybody does! Plus, he’d be so pissed if I left him out of any kind of fun. And we’re dying over the cute cat video!!

      • Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

        Oh my Gawd! The words every man.. err artist wants to hear from a blonde! “You can use me all you want…” Faints…

        OK, where were we!

        You and Bear shall star in a Where’s the Bear featurette!

        Sometime soon, I gotta kick @david_camerons butt, and do a Stevie Boylan update… Then I think it’s clear for your spread!

      • Have you recovered from your fainting spell long enough to kick some @david_camerons rear?!

      • Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

        Actually going to give him a bit more time.

        The inspiration struck, and I’m making fun of you and Bear!

  6. Nothing…I repeat NOTHING like a HOT MAN in uniform. This post is prob one of my faves you have done. That being said…FFA jackets were supposed to be there on the RED…did ya see them??
    I am a bit passionate over my kids. πŸ˜‰
    There IS something about that RED CARPET…oh..and jake owens…mercy.

    • Be still my beating heart – men in uniforms are HOT! I found it hard not manhandling them. Hee hee. I didn’t see FFA jackets but I was way too busy stalking Jake Owen and his leopard blazer, so I probably just missed them!

      • well…when a country star steps out and breaks bad with leopard print…im not sure whats going on. jus sayn…
        i like country and all…but that was a bit much for me. NOW…had he been singing for Prince? you know…when it comes to country, im an old fashioned gal…dont hate me… πŸ˜‰

      • I don’t hate you – and I actually agree. I just wanted the blazer for myself! So, I only had eyes for the leopard jacket…

      • god bless…that jacket woulda done you wonders!!
        him? not so much. however, i bet had you stopped him and asked for it…he mighta woulda jsut gave it to you… πŸ˜‰

  7. Those somebodies WISH they could be as cool as you’re nobody (which of course I do not agree with – you are totally a somebody – although that was an impressive amount of being a wannabe!!)

  8. Phil Lanoue says:

    Good on you for posing with the U.S. Marines! Best pic of the post!
    I bet you are truly somebody at Target though. Am I right?!? πŸ™‚

  9. adinparadise says:

    Poor you?? I don’t think so. πŸ™‚

  10. I’ll roll out the red carpet for you, chicka! You are amazing, and gorgeous! I’m so jell of you and how come you didn’t grab that jacket???

    • Well, I thought I might end up in with a night in county jail if I’d grabbed the jacket off of Jake. Although I still wish I would have! And thank you for the compliments – it was sure fun pretending! πŸ™‚

  11. Ooh. I’d love to go to the CMA’s sometime… Just because I love the music.

    • It is really cool seeing a live TV taping with all of the stage changes, celebs backstage and hustle bustle of the crowd. Also a good time to hear a wide variety of artists…although by the end of the evening, they were all starting to sound the same to me…

  12. Aussa Lorens says:

    Haha I am so impressed and was fascinated reading this whole thing. I can’t imagine having to walk on a red carpet and have people shout my name. And I have a horrible sense of direction so I would probably get lost even though it’s a one-way street.

  13. Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

    I actually thought the jacket was kinda funky myself. But I’m a black suit kinda guy when I have to look all official like.

  14. Hilarious love it! Can I come with you next time please, the media love cats maybe if we took Teddy too we’d make the front page! =^.^=

  15. […] How to Be a Red Carpet Anybody ( […]

  16. stylentonic says:

    You are definitely a somebody gorgeous! Love the photos with the Marines… hot hot hot! xxx

  17. LifeOfBun says:

    Awww yea strike a pose hehe! πŸ˜€ I can’t believe you got to see Carrie’s backside! I’d love to see a celeb’s backside!

  18. marisaporter says:

    Girl I just can’t believe you got to go! Awesomeness. I want to go to one of those events. And you DO look like somebody.

  19. JMC813 says:

    I wanted to be a somebody once. Now I can relate to this as a total anybody. Still beats the HELL outta being a nobody. Which is what some former somebodies end up becoming. Make any sense? Any at all? It does to me. Anybody else? LOL.
    Sorry, I apologize………..lmao. I loved this post.
    Keep inspiring

  20. Jewelyz says:

    OMG your writing is so funny, I really like this article. And your pics are amazing, cant understand why your not on the carpet!

  21. SerachShiro says:

    I think the somebodies aren’t so fun like you and the clipboard photos were so cool girl πŸ™‚ !

  22. That’s so cool! Glad you had a fun time. Although, in viewing the comments, I must ask– what is Piggly Wiggly, and how can I get one?!?

    • Oh you’ve never heard of Piggly Wiggly?! It’s a grocery store chain that you must stop and go into when/if you ever spot one. They are very classy joints. What if you hit a college football game AND a Piggly Wiggly in one weekend?!

  23. Hey, you’re somebody to all of us anybodies out here. Wasn’t that Carrie Underwood with all those marines!

  24. vudragovich says:

    I am glad you were in some of those somebody shots! I do not follow celebs and did not know a one of them. But I know who feeds Mr Bear, that is an important lady there!

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