If you need a reminder of where you’re at on the food chain, try attending a fancy award show like I did for work last year.
Since the CMA Awards are being held in Nashville tonight, here’s a little tutorial in being somebody vs. anybody…
If you’re somebody, you get dropped off at the red carpet in a tricked out Chevrolet sponsored event car.
If you’re anybody else, you get to park two miles away, fending off a Chatty Cathy parking attendant (who also happens to be from Iowa and wants to talk your face off about it) and make your grand entrance on foot.
If you’re somebody, you wait for the photographers to shout your name before appearing on the carpet.
If you’re anybody else, you hide in this hallway while the star you’re accompanying soaks up the flash bulbs.
Being somebody, you don’t need any announcement when you appear on the red carpet. Photographers and fans just know you and shout your name accordingly.
When you’re anybody, your name appears in marker on a clipboard that is held up for the photographers just before you turn the corner to be photographed, ensuring people know who the hell you are.
When you’re somebody and you’ve recently got caught stepping out on your wife, you go to the awards show with her anyway (and a year later, you’re going through a divorce).
If you’re anybody else and everyone knows you’re a cheat, you stay at home and watch the awards from your couch in your pajama pants you haven’t taken off for three days, a stale beer and yesterday’s pizza, feeling remorseful. But this is country music and cheating is a staple. Which is why there are songs referencing tears in beers.
When you’re somebody, you know you look good and work it all the way up and down the red carpet.
When you’re anybody else, you blog about the perils of what to wear to the award show.
When you’re somebody, you get interviewed live by TV stations.
When you’re anybody else, you crouch down in the corner ninja-style, trying to stay out of the camera’s shot or you’ll be kicked off the carpet. The horror.
If you’re somebody, you have no problems finding a plus one to be your date.
When you’re anybody else, you have to hang with all of the other people who are working the show.
When you’re somebody, you perform on the massive stage.
When you’re anybody else, you’re perfectly fine asking a stranger to take your picture (no shame…I have no shame) in front of it.
When you’re somebody, your entourage follows you up on stage to get you gussied up before the live performance.
If you’re anybody else, you have to take pictures back stage to remember where the bathroom is located, so you can brush your hair and reapply lipstick.
When you’re somebody, you blow the roof off the joint then head out to the after party.
When you’re just anybody, you get to go and walk the empty red carpet before tearing it down.
And then pose just like anybody else while no one calls your name.
It’s rough trying to be anybody! Wish somebody would have told me.