Tales of Personal Assisting

Most of my working adult life has been spent kissing ass (which, when it boils down to it unless you work for yourself, comes with career territory), as I’ve found myself being a personal assistant (job description: therapist, mom, chauffeur, wife that goes home at night, nurse, pet wrangler, girl Friday, psychoanalyst, chef, medical doctor, maid, laundress, child care provider) more than once.

Being that I live in Nashville, I once scored a job as a member of an “up and coming country music artist’s” management team (translation: personal assistant).

Getting shit on. Literally. All part of personal assisting.

Getting shit on. Literally. All part of personal assisting.

This up and comer had more money than God. Like hundreds of millions of dollars to live on and wipe her ass with, allowing her to not work a day in her life. Ever. So what’s a gal with all of that money and limited talent to do? Be a country singer -DUH!

My first day on the job, I was supposed to fetch lunch for this budding superstar. My list said chicken broth and Sprite. Surely this was supposed to read chicken noodle soup and Sprite, yes? Nope. I sat there and watched a grown woman with the body of a 4th grader slurp chicken broth for lunch – you know, to keep that girlish figure.

That being said, I should have known better when I was requested to bird sit (yes, you read that right) her three fine feathered friends and she told me to help myself to anything in the fridge. But when I ran to see what kind of name brand goods a rich up and comer ate, I was sadly disappointed to see that A) I would be starving over the weekend and B) it was all food for the birds except for mustard, Jell-O cups and eggs.

Help yourself to my bird food. Literally. Her birds' food.

Help yourself to my bird food.

Of course, being that this is Music City and I worked for a mover and shaker, I experienced all kinds of fun events. Like the Country Music Festival held in Nashville every June. Before we headed there for her first appearance, she said to my colleague, “Better not tell anyone you work for me or you might get mobbed.”

Tens of tens

Clearly I feared for my safety as she performed.

Other events I was able to experience included red carpet moments for her gigantic showcases. One time, as I was laying out her very high-end designer dress out for a show she ran in after a facial and screamed, “MY FACE IS RED!” I glanced up at her and agreed by saying, “Your face is red,” as she’d just had her mug rubbed, poked and prodded. Her response? “Eat shit and die.” I’m surprised I have any tongue left after all of the biting I had to do in order to keep a paycheck…

Your face matches the empty carpet.

Did I mention that your face matches the empty carpet?

I also got to be a personal stylist when we were getting ready for “big” magazine shoots (you know for a free city publication).  While helping her skeletal frame in and out of outfits, touching up her lip gloss, assuring her that her hair was just big enough but not too big I often got to hold her beautiful diamond jewelry between shots.

Sweating

Who wouldn’t spend $56,000 on a toucan ring? WHO?

This lovely creature of a woman also purchased a puppy for her manager on Valentine’s Day. Because nothing says “I love you” like a dog you (i.e. the assistant) get to take care of. Forever. A puppy was beyond an appropriate gift for a guy who travels three weeks per month. Perfection. So you all know that this goddamn dog became my pet, right?

Mells

The bane of my existence, pain-in-the-ass, little love of my work life.

As we all know I’m much more of a cat lady, although I couldn’t help but fall in love with that flipping happy face.  Which ended up being a good thing as the puppy single-handedly destroyed my office one night, managed to eat a bag full of mini Snickers over lunch one day therefore shitting gold for three weeks (after I was assured by the vet she wouldn’t die), chewed through the hose on my personal washing machine when I took her to my house and managed to eat through every single can of a 12 pack of Sprite, spraying the sugary liquid from floor to ceiling. FUN TIMES.

Such a good listener

Sit. Stay. I’m magic with dogs.

While wrestling with the dog became part of my daily duties, I also got the pleasure of carting this woman to and from very important appointments (mani, pedi, massage, hair appointments).  And what better way to use my double degree from a fine university than to balance her three pet birds on my body while driving through the streets of Nashville (you know, to socialize them)?

Goddamn Bird I ended up loving...ugh.

No Polly, I don’t want a mother f’ing cracker. I want you to keep your crest from obstructing my view of traffic.

Amazing what one will do for a paycheck, isn’t it? While I happily, thankfully, fortunately, get down on my hands and knees and praise Jesus every day that I don’t work for this woman anymore, here’s how I always wanted to respond to her requests….

No reading between the lines needed for what I was thinking

No reading between the lines needed for what I was thinking most all of the time.

Safe to say I don’t miss her! One bit.

The dog…that’s a different story.

CBXB

CBXB!

71 thoughts on “Tales of Personal Assisting

  1. markbialczak says:

    I think I saw your former boss on ‘Nashville’ last night. And a character scripted after you! Go get some royalties now!! Really, how can you top a job that includes a dog, birds, a red face and anorexia?

  2. John says:

    That’s a BS job indeed! Glad you escaped. 🙂

  3. Susie says:

    Buying me that ring. Classy.

  4. WOWZER! Clearly the wrong girl was getting the perks. Cannot believe the bird requests and the harsh response to the rosatia facial – how do you say b*tch in Nashvillian?
    Hope she follows your blog…just saying.

    • Here in Nashville we say Bee-yitch. Tinged with that Southern twang it doesn’t sound so harsh (you know -below the Mason Dixon Line, backhanded compliments are a sport!). I really hope she reads this, too….hee hee. 🙂

  5. MrJohnson says:

    That was one heck of a story. That ring is going to take someone’s eye out one day. Doggie is in need of some training. Ya it can suck working for the man or in this case the woman.

  6. Nope, no, hella no! Couldn’t do that, wouldn’t have the patience!!! Dunno how you survived, I’d be in jail for ‘violence in the work-place’ !!!

  7. KittNoir says:

    Ahh I hear you – been a PA in the past too – it was not fun! x

  8. marisaporter says:

    These jobs are all horrible, aren’t they? My weirdest experience with being a personal assistant was the one that wouldn’t let me quit. She wouldn’t pay me until I “did just a few more things.” She kept dragging it out and lying and I was VERY busy with a new full time job. I finally said keep your money and forget it. I never got paid a thing for those last two weeks.

    • Sadly, your situation doesn’t surprise me! That super sucks you didn’t get paid for the last two weeks though. I can’t believe the way people act sometimes – although nothing really surprises me anymore after the folks I’ve worked for!

      • marisaporter says:

        Some how personal assistant translates to slave for some! I never could quite imagine having a personal assistant, because I just think it would be weird. But if I ever had one, I swear I try my best to make them feel like an equal employee, not a servant or something. Glad you’re free!

      • Girl, I’m glad to be free, too! And, I feel the same way – don’t think I’d ever have a PA but if I did, I would most definitely be treating them like a person!

    • vudragovich says:

      Because I believe suggestions should be given with a sledge hammer, the unemployment office is always a good spot to call when you are not given your back pay. They want their employer paid unemployment money and they have the legal backing to take a dirty employer down! Okay, enough mad attack dog personality, have a great evening!

  9. Phil Lanoue says:

    So I’m assuming that bringing the dog home was in the pre-Ted days?!
    I can’t imagine Mister Theodore allowing some flea bag mutt into his personal space without tossing a major fit.

    • Well, this happened while Ted was in the mix. So while I was trying to keep the very pissed off cat away from the overly friendly, curious puppy – the dog ended up chewing through the washer hose AND spraying Sprite everywhere all in one hour. Mr. Bear was being his usual diva-like self and magically making himself throw up. I felt like I had two human toddlers that day.

  10. Oh wow, the Snickers and THEN Sprite part left me cackling out loud like a loony lady!! I love that puppy too now. ; ) Although very loyal to Teddy, just saying.
    Biatch. Sincerely hope she reads this.
    Hate people who think just because they pay someone they can make them do anything and treat them like trash. Na-ha.

  11. jessmittens says:

    Brilliant! I honestly had no idea people like that were… real. I thought movies just made these characters up! My god. Do you know if she ever made it? Or her definition of made it, released a song ever? You don’t have to mention names obviously, I’m just hoping she didn’t!

    • Girl – I spitefully am going to tell you that she never made it – and never will! That’s so wrong of me, isn’t it?! I thought that folks like this were also only in the movies, until I lived through the few years of hell – although now I have good topics for posts!

  12. Aussa Lorens says:

    That is straight madness! Now I wish I could know who she is…

  13. FreeUrCloset says:

    Haha ‘my face is red’ from laughing so hard … sounds like a bosszilla story with a happy ending. So glad you made it out of there alive, now you need to get that puppy over to christen your new digs with Sprite!
    XOXO

  14. Mitzie Mee says:

    OMG! You should write a “The Devil Wears Stetson” novel!!

  15. VivBlogs says:

    Holy shit. She told you to “Eat shit and die,” for agreeing with her? I must know who it is. But be careful, you don’t want to dooce yourself!

  16. Glad to hear you are not there anymore! It’s crazy to know that some animals behave better than people and we end up liking them better than their owner!

    BTW, I have a new video up on my blog now, I hope you like it! 😉
    Diana
    http://www.ManhattanImageandStyle.com
    New Video: 7 Ways to Layer Your Clothes Like A New Yorker

  17. filbio says:

    Oh come on, don’t give us all a story like that and not tell us her name! We want to google that bee-yitch to see what she looks like.

    You’ve escaped her clutches so spill the beans!

  18. Gede Prama says:

    Thank you for writing which is quite good and best wishes always, and greetings

  19. Congrats on the new job! But it seems like wherever you work you kind of have to kiss ass to people. You know politics… I am happy to hear that you’re not in a toxic environment anymore. XOXO

  20. SerachShiro says:

    What a hell of a job you have got and the only positive thing you’ve got from this is the experience with handle with difficult (creepy) persons 🙂 ! You can not adopt the dog ?

  21. Nancy says:

    Lord, this is funny! I wish she could read it!

  22. Nancy says:

    If I had her money would you be my personal assistant?.

  23. vudragovich says:

    DUCK! or was it something else on your shoulder?
    And that last picture would have been perfect if Toocan Sam was on that finger!
    So this was in the pre Mr. Ted days huh? Guess you put this post together while he was out having his pedi done?
    And a dog that laid golden eggs? AWESOME! The duck has nothing on him.
    I really have to get my life settled down so I can read more posts…and now you have some boring office job with hissing attack turtles!
    Just be safe!

    • Oh how you make me laugh! A dog that laid golden eggs, indeed! HAHA!
      Teddy would be beyond pissed to find a dog in his palace and I did have to be sneaky concocting this post. 🙂
      My job now isn’t so boring but yes – I must be weary of the snapping turtles!

  24. elkee says:

    Wow! What an ordeal! Glad to see you made it through with your sanity intact.

  25. That was so Johnny Cash. To bad you don’t work for her any more, because Blitz volunteered to help you keep track of the birds. It’s her specialty you know.

  26. curvyroads says:

    I cannot believe I missed this when you first posted it.

    So now I know that when you can afford to hire me as your PA, you will be nice to me.

    LOL! You are saint for not telling her off x a million…

  27. […] also somehow came across a hideous Pucci hat that a lady who thought she was famous and was my boss at the time gave me as a leftover present (she would regift her unwanted Christmas presents to me for my […]

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