Babies Can Be Such Bitches

My kid clock hasn’t started ticking and I’m not all that upset about it (Stop with the judgement. I like your kids and don’t mind being around them. I’m just thrilled they’re yours. Especially when they’re screaming at the top of their lungs in Target, have snot running down their nose, smell of sewer due to a dirty diaper, need to go to the ER at 3am due to being sick for the 13th time this year, require one to get up at the ass crack of dawn, etc….).

This duo of messy cuteness?

This duo of messy cuteness? I’ll let you clean them up.

However this year, I have acquired twins – a niece and nephew that I couldn’t love anymore if they were my own (for the love of Christ, no one tell Teddy).

Being that I’m 1,000 miles away from them, I try to buy their love from afar by sending them presents (this tactic always works with kids under one year, right?). I am sure to send two separate packages (on the same day), as I don’t want anyone getting pissy with having to share (plus, I remember how my sister and I made sure everything was EVEN as kids).

Upon receiving my gift in Iowa, I got this text and following photos from my sister:

B got the cutest star vest in the mail today! She loves it.

This coat hurts

Obviously.

On and on and on

This seriously must be the heaviest vest in the history of the world.

My response:

Dammit! The mailman was supposed to deliver two packages on the same day! I was promised at the counter when I mailed them!

Sister:

Don’t worry. I just told her brother that you don’t love him as much.

Well I felt really screwed over (someone has to take the blame) by the lying USPS. How must my sweet nephew feel about his Auntie CBXB forgetting him?

The following morning I received this from my sister:

You do love B! He’s much more appreciative!

You're welcome

Score!

Happy

Somebody’s love can be bought by Auntie CBXB!

Upon seeing the pics, I realized that I’d sent my nephew two things vs. Bawl Baby’s single star vest.

Me: He’s so welcome! Please don’t tell Little Miss Diva that her brother got two things. PLEASE.

Sister: Too late. She knows!!

She knows.

Keeping tabs already…

I rebounded quickly, telling my sister to remind my niece B of the Tiffany’s bracelet she received from her dear old auntie when she was baptized (while all brother B got a big hug and smooch).

Did someone mention a little blue box?

Did someone mention a little blue box? All is good in the ‘hood now!

Babies can be such bitches – especially when they take after their drama queen aunts.

CBXB

CBXB!

46 thoughts on “Babies Can Be Such Bitches

  1. They are totally bitches and are never happy unless they’re in charge! Your niece and nephews couldn’t look anything less like you if they tried. Well, I mean beyond being happy and smiley and cute most of the time. What’s up with that?

    • Don! I didn’t birth the babies, thus they don’t look like me. But being that they’re already beyond cute and smiley, I’m happy they don’t have my deep set eyes that sometimes look like two black holes in photos.

  2. markbialczak says:

    You are very good at aunt-ing from afar, my friend. When you get to Hawkeyeland and see them live, do you put a stopwatch on your kisses to make sure each gets the same 12 seconds? Seriously, cute kids they are, CBXB. No judgment here on that ticking clock thing you mentioned at the beginning of the post. My lil’ darlin’ daughter is 23 so I’m way past the bodily yuckiness stage but I still understand why you’re ducking it.

    • I’d love a daughter at 23! No diapers or worrying about sneaking out at night! πŸ™‚

      I’m going to Hawkeyeland for Thanksgiving and I’m not sure which one of the cuties I will be manhandling first! I completely understand why aunts get a bad wrap for pinching cheeks because it’s all I want to do. But I am totally going to stop watch each cheek kissing session, so there are no tears or hurt feelings (thank God my sister and I conditioned ourselves as kids to keep everything even!).

  3. Joyce Metz says:

    I need to see those babies!! Lets have a play date when their in town:)
    Would love to see my sweet Megan holding one baby….even more amusing holding x2..

  4. Mitzie Mee says:

    That star vest is so cool! If I were your nephew, I’d be very jealous:)

  5. FreeUrCloset says:

    Oh yes..and toddlers are even bigger bitches, just you wait auntie! And girls are even bigger drama divas than the boys.
    I’d say keep that clock ticking sistah…it’s no fun being a parent πŸ˜‰

    • I’ll keep ‘parenting’ from afar for now! The twins are starting to get mobile, I can’t even imagine what they’ll be in and out of next. Maybe since there’s one boy and one girl, they’ll balance each other out as they get older?! πŸ™‚

  6. What a great aunt you are! Wish you were mine when I was small. I never got nice pressies in the post from my aunt, probably because I wasn’t nearly as cute as your 2 babies. 😦

  7. This is the funiest post ever! Loved it! Have to show this to my sister and sister in law…

  8. Your talents for being funny need to be recognized by the rest of the world. You need your own TV show (with Ted of course)

  9. VivBlogs says:

    I would never judge someone for not having kids. It’s a huge responsibility and you best be 100% on board with it, ya know? But let me say that those of us who have chosen to have kids, having people like you (involved adults who take and interest and spend time with someone else’s kids) makes our lives so much better. You are a wonderful aunt. My boys have an “uncle” who shows them how to use power tools, build rockets and shoot spitballs. They adore him and so do I.

    • I appreciate your compliment so much – you just made my week! Thanks for the non-judgment! Living in the South if you aren’t married and knocked up with Child #1 by your mid-20s, something just MUST be wrong with you. πŸ™‚

      I’m so glad that your kids have an “uncle” that likes to hang out and show them things. I’ve always hoped to be the fun aunt who gets to spoil and spend time with nieces and nephews. Now I’m thrilled trying to be putting that plan into action!

  10. Cassiefairy says:

    I bloomin’ love this! Totally agree with the “I’m just thrilled they’re yours” πŸ™‚ You’re right, you ARE a cool aunt & it DOES takes one to know one πŸ˜‰ haha x

  11. Adorable!

    Diana
    http://www.ManhattanImageandStyle.com
    New Blog Post: Tips to Control Your Weight During The Holidays While You Eat What You Love!

  12. Blue boxes trump all evil…and when that doesn’t hold true, simply up the “auntie” and splurge for the orange box of love bits!

  13. filbio says:

    I am sure you are a good Auntie. I am an Uncle that is an instigator. I’ll get my nieces all riled up and hand them back. No kids for me! Childless and happy!

  14. LifeOfBun says:

    Isn’t it the best just spoiling them, making them happy and being around them when they’re at their best? And then sending them off to “refuse to sleep” and “scream at the sight of broccoli” with their parents? Whew! I love being a big niece.

  15. markbialczak says:

    CBXB, This is because you are so darn hilarious. Youuuuu, light up my Reader ….
    http://markbialczak.com/2013/11/24/somebody-out-there-really-likes-my-blog/

  16. stylentonic says:

    hahaha! Oh yes, they can!!!!

  17. SerachShiro says:

    You didn’t know ??? Ooh the can, but they are so sweet πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ !

  18. Aaaaand , you just won the internets.
    Both with the title and those captions.
    Those twins – adorableness attack!
    : )

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