Pussy Puke

Oh the things my pussy does to me.

It started like any other Saturday. I groggily awoke with a slight hangover from five too many Skinny Pirates the previous evening. Ted was screaming meows at the top of his teeny lungs for breakfast, so course I filled his bowl to the brim with his fancy schmancy duck and green pea food.

FEED ME NOW.

Roaring his brains out.

As I was adjusting my eyes to the mid-morning light I realized Mr. Ted E. Bear had an appointment with our fave vet, Dr. Bowling for his yearly check-up in about 30 minutes (we live a half hour away from Dr. B’s office). Shit.

I threw on some clothes as the Bear inhaled every morsel of his breakfast, then scooped him up, put him in his blanket and swaddled him like the 9-year-old baby that he insists upon being.

Let's roll.

All waddled up with somewhere to roll.

Ted has always enjoyed a car ride. He doesn’t make a peep, often takes a nap if the sun is coming in our window and typically tries to help me drive.

Coasting

Road trips – one of Ted’s hobbies…aside from napping and eating.

But this was not either of our lucky days. In the hurried state I was in to not be late for our appointment, I got lost and unfortunately there were about four roundabouts I kept driving through. Which in turn, made the happily full of breakfast Ted regurgitate his morning meal.

In the middle of me driving 50 mph.

All over the place.

Projectile style.

Car sick.

Covering every inch possible with puke.

While this was taking place and I was unable to pull over on the highway, I kept saying this to myself…

chant. chant. chant.

On repeat in my head.

When I finally got the chance to pull over (and trying to avoid having a moment like Chunk in The Goonies), I assessed the damage.

Tedstar had it on his wrist, I had it on my pants, in my sock and under my shoe.

On the paw, my leg

Didn’t miss a spot.

It was in all crevices of my steering wheel and because I was turning a corner as he began upchucking, all over the back of the driving device as well.

Every mother f'ing nook and cranny of the steering wheel.

Every nook and cranny covered.

It was in my hair (don’t ask), my vest pocket, on my cell phone, the volume nob for the radio, all over Ted’s blanket…

Blank stare.

Duck and pea food is very fragrant, unfortunately.

It even found its way into my purse…

Purse contents.

Oh here’s my credit card. And warm piece of cat food for you.

We finally made it to the office, where the nurse gave us a trash bag, a new blanket, wet wipes and paper towels. When Dr. Bowling (who has said she’d like to come back in another life as one of my cats – oh snap!) entered the exam room, the look of trauma on our faces made her laugh.

Trauma

What the fuck just happened?

She took one look at us and said, “Cat moms are real moms too.”

You can say that again.

And again.

And again.

I’m just relieved TB didn’t shit his pants (or rather, his blanket)…how do moms of humans do it?

CBXB

CBXB!

67 thoughts on “Pussy Puke

  1. […] only does his high maintenance ass require $60 green pea and duck prescription food due to a stomach issue, he now refuses to clean […]

  2. curvyroads says:

    You are definitely a real mom. I am gagging just thinking about it. πŸ˜€

  3. elkee says:

    Ewwwwww!!!!! Why god why!!! I’m the proud mother of two dogs. They just eat it right after and most of the time I’m none the wiser.

  4. SerachShiro says:

    What a mess ! For some of the photos I had really to laugh, I couldn’t help it but I felt pity for your both ! Dam right that you can say that you are a real mommy and that you didn’t freak out, it’s all because of LOVE πŸ™‚ ! Hope that poor teddy is alright now and maybe the next time it’s better not to give him any food before driving, please give him a hug from me πŸ™‚ ! ❀

  5. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    Hahaha! First time I heard about a projectile vomiting cat. Yuck!

    Next time you need to You Tube it!

  6. SwittersB says:

    OMG! that is so funny. We usually get the other end of the evacuation system in the cat carrier enroute to vet. Either way…yes! WTF just happened?

  7. FreeUrCloset says:

    You stole the words right out of my mouth “real mom” … just glad to hear your 5 Skinny Pirates didn’t join the barf party. Hope Ted’s feeling better and your car is clean and stench free. XOXO

  8. Aussa Lorens says:

    Oh my gosh! No, just no! When my dog starts vomiting I feel like a tornado or other natural disaster is coming and I cover my ears and run out of the room. I can’t imagine it happening in my car… in my lap… all over me.
    And I love that you swaddle him like a baby kangaroo and let him ride in your lap. I mean, of course you do.

    • Of course I swaddle my cat like a baby kangaroo. What kind of crazy cat lady would I be if I did any different?! πŸ™‚
      I feel the same way as you when you hear that awful sound that preludes the inevitable upchuck…UGH.

  9. whatwewear says:

    awww poor Ted! wish him well!!

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