Pussy Puke

Oh the things my pussy does to me.

It started like any other Saturday. I groggily awoke with a slight hangover from five too many Skinny Pirates the previous evening. Ted was screaming meows at the top of his teeny lungs for breakfast, so course I filled his bowl to the brim with his fancy schmancy duck and green pea food.

FEED ME NOW.

Roaring his brains out.

As I was adjusting my eyes to the mid-morning light I realized Mr. Ted E. Bear had an appointment with our fave vet, Dr. Bowling for his yearly check-up in about 30 minutes (we live a half hour away from Dr. B’s office). Shit.

I threw on some clothes as the Bear inhaled every morsel of his breakfast, then scooped him up, put him in his blanket and swaddled him like the 9-year-old baby that he insists upon being.

Let's roll.

All waddled up with somewhere to roll.

Ted has always enjoyed a car ride. He doesn’t make a peep, often takes a nap if the sun is coming in our window and typically tries to help me drive.

Coasting

Road trips – one of Ted’s hobbies…aside from napping and eating.

But this was not either of our lucky days. In the hurried state I was in to not be late for our appointment, I got lost and unfortunately there were about four roundabouts I kept driving through. Which in turn, made the happily full of breakfast Ted regurgitate his morning meal.

In the middle of me driving 50 mph.

All over the place.

Projectile style.

Car sick.

Covering every inch possible with puke.

While this was taking place and I was unable to pull over on the highway, I kept saying this to myself…

chant. chant. chant.

On repeat in my head.

When I finally got the chance to pull over (and trying to avoid having a moment like Chunk in The Goonies), I assessed the damage.

Tedstar had it on his wrist, I had it on my pants, in my sock and under my shoe.

On the paw, my leg

Didn’t miss a spot.

It was in all crevices of my steering wheel and because I was turning a corner as he began upchucking, all over the back of the driving device as well.

Every mother f'ing nook and cranny of the steering wheel.

Every nook and cranny covered.

It was in my hair (don’t ask), my vest pocket, on my cell phone, the volume nob for the radio, all over Ted’s blanket…

Blank stare.

Duck and pea food is very fragrant, unfortunately.

It even found its way into my purse…

Purse contents.

Oh here’s my credit card. And warm piece of cat food for you.

We finally made it to the office, where the nurse gave us a trash bag, a new blanket, wet wipes and paper towels. When Dr. Bowling (who has said she’d like to come back in another life as one of my cats – oh snap!) entered the exam room, the look of trauma on our faces made her laugh.

Trauma

What the fuck just happened?

She took one look at us and said, “Cat moms are real moms too.”

You can say that again.

And again.

And again.

I’m just relieved TB didn’t shit his pants (or rather, his blanket)…how do moms of humans do it?

CBXB

CBXB!

67 thoughts on “Pussy Puke

  1. marisaporter says:

    I have no idea how they do it. Puke is disgusting, especially the places you had to deal with it! Holly likes to throws up (my dog), but it’s usually one contained place on the carpet. I have cleaning it up down to an efficient task. But it is so gross.

  2. John says:

    Holy mess, batman! Eww!

  3. Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

    You do look shell shocked at the end, haha….

  4. LOL! That is so funny! I had a cat that would always go to the bathroom – both number one and number two – in the carrier when we took him to the vet, and then roll around in it. The poor vet had to give both him and the carrier a bath when we got there. At least poor Ted didn’t do that!!

  5. markbialczak says:

    I now know what the E. stands for in Ted E. Bear, CBXB. Ewwwwwww!
    With you on the mend from five Skinny Pirates, I’m surprised that Teddy’s meal was not joined by .. gag reflex … that’s all I’m going to say. When Ted projectiled, did he at least meow “Duck!” as a warning?!

    • HA! I wish Teddy would have meowed “DUCK” before his episode. However, he did make a gagging sound seconds prior to the projectile. Problem was, I couldn’t do anything but think “OH SHIT” as I was traveling down the highway…

  6. You poor things! My dog is also 9 yrs, and she too insists on being swaddled at every possible occasion. We’re also convinced she thinks she’s a cat. I’ll remember to never let her near anything duck…!

  7. Nasty. I think we’ve hit an all time low! Do you have a person who follows you around and takes pictures all the time? lol. You never miss a moment.

  8. Green peas….this has “The Exorcist” written all over it. Did his head spin around too? No wait, that was your head! ;D

  9. uuhhhhh..really..maybe you and the tedster need to rethink the green peas..just sayin..

  10. If you’re going to do something might as well do it properly ey ted?! Hope you’re feeling better now.

  11. Lol, more like When Your Pussy Explodes.

  12. You are a better mom than a lot of human moms, that’s for sure. Poor Ted. Was it all slimy too? Been there, done that. LOL I’m making a batch of margaritas for me and my hub, come on over!

  13. I for one am in awe Cat mom-extraordinaire.
    There is an unwritten yet FIERCELY followed rule chez reversecommuter – mommy doesn’t do barf. I am blessed with an incredibly overactive gag reflex and stomach bugs bring it out rapido!
    Well done – my car would not have been quite so pretty after such an incident.
    On a completely different note – Happy Weekend!!!

  14. Mitzie Mee says:

    Oh no! Poor Ted, poor you and poor car:)

  15. vudragovich says:

    5 too many pirates huh? Next time you better stop when you get to the 8th one πŸ˜‰
    Poor Mr Ted, but I am so jealous he likes the car!
    My 3 fuss and whine and panic and try to (read actually do) get down under the brake and step on the gas!
    You know you will find a pea or piece of duck in 2 months somewhere…just saying.

    • Oh, I will be finding duck and pea puke until I sell my car! I just hope it doesn’t start smelling in the summer heat…
      I’m so lucky Ted likes the car. He really looks like he’s taking in the view whenever we’re driving somewhere. It’s relaxing to him somehow. Only cat I’ve ever know who chills in a car!

  16. Vivienne says:

    Oh gross! It’s a miracle you didn’t crash the car.

  17. bethteliho says:

    No, say it isn’t sooooo! Cat Puke (any puke) is god awful in a car! I’m here from Lynne’s blog, but I’ve seen your blog name all over the place, we must have similar blog rolls. Genius title for this post, btw! Funny.

    This reminds me of SO many stories. I used to have 8 cats. It be da trufe. Once when taking 6 of them to a low cost shot clinic, I had two smaller kitties in one big crate, and going down the highway I heard that familiar “I’m about to be sick” meow.

    Hang on, Mazri!!! I hollered at the one whose meow I recognized. Then the smell hit my nose.

    Not only had he vomited in the crate and all over the poor cat riding with him, but he’d peed, too. I had to literally poor piss out of the crate! Fortunately, they had paper towels at the clinic so I could clean up a bit. But oh. So fucking gross.

    • Oh no! Pouring piss out of a crate?! Poor girl!
      And the poor cat with the puke and piss….oh WOW. Bet that was a fun crate clean up! Not to mention the clean up of the kitties…
      I’m so glad you stopped in – and welcome to CBXB, my friend!
      Oh, and how many cats do you have now?

  18. Blech! My younger dog gets the bile pukes every once in a while. It always makes me queasy. The heaving sound is enough to make me run for cover like a total wuss.

    • Oh I typically throw a magazine under the cat whenever I hear that heaving sound and run for cover myself. And typically, we’re in the mini manse, so you can imagine my delight when that sound began while on the highway…

  19. Molly says:

    Oh no. Ewww! Sorry about your experience, but at least you got a funny blog post out of it (that’s consolation, right?).

  20. Aww, poor Teddy. I hope he’s feeling better. I hate when they barf because they can’t tell you what’s wrong. XOXO

  21. whatwewear says:

    awww poor Ted! wish him well!!

  22. Aussa Lorens says:

    Oh my gosh! No, just no! When my dog starts vomiting I feel like a tornado or other natural disaster is coming and I cover my ears and run out of the room. I can’t imagine it happening in my car… in my lap… all over me.
    And I love that you swaddle him like a baby kangaroo and let him ride in your lap. I mean, of course you do.

    • Of course I swaddle my cat like a baby kangaroo. What kind of crazy cat lady would I be if I did any different?! πŸ™‚
      I feel the same way as you when you hear that awful sound that preludes the inevitable upchuck…UGH.

  23. FreeUrCloset says:

    You stole the words right out of my mouth “real mom” … just glad to hear your 5 Skinny Pirates didn’t join the barf party. Hope Ted’s feeling better and your car is clean and stench free. XOXO

  24. SwittersB says:

    OMG! that is so funny. We usually get the other end of the evacuation system in the cat carrier enroute to vet. Either way…yes! WTF just happened?

  25. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    Hahaha! First time I heard about a projectile vomiting cat. Yuck!

    Next time you need to You Tube it!

  26. SerachShiro says:

    What a mess ! For some of the photos I had really to laugh, I couldn’t help it but I felt pity for your both ! Dam right that you can say that you are a real mommy and that you didn’t freak out, it’s all because of LOVE πŸ™‚ ! Hope that poor teddy is alright now and maybe the next time it’s better not to give him any food before driving, please give him a hug from me πŸ™‚ ! ❀

  27. elkee says:

    Ewwwwww!!!!! Why god why!!! I’m the proud mother of two dogs. They just eat it right after and most of the time I’m none the wiser.

  28. curvyroads says:

    You are definitely a real mom. I am gagging just thinking about it. πŸ˜€

  29. […] only does his high maintenance ass require $60 green pea and duck prescription food due to a stomach issue, he now refuses to clean […]

Holla at me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s