How to Make an Ass of Yourself Ziplining

So not cute.

Squeezing in all of the wrong places.

While shooting a sizzle reel this past weekend, one of the scenes required yours truly to zipline, which I had never done before. Being a virgin to this activity, I was more concerned with which color of cowboy boot to adorn (naturally), rather than mentally prepping for the hours of hanging by a harness from a rope.

Boot scootin'

The anguish of important decisions.

Upon our arrival to the site, two zip instructors gussied my friend K-bell and I up in their finest attire.

Harness me, please.

Sexiness not included with harness.

While I had no trouble cruising into my adorable harness that made my already ample ass triple three sizes, I made myself vocal (one of my shining qualities) about messing up my ‘do when it came time to wearing the non-fabulous head ornament.

Bitch

Bitching for one minute…

Moan and groan.

…and moaning and groaning two more.

I was wondering if my instructor, Charlie wouldn’t have to wear a helmet because his hair created one for him.

Already had a helmet on. Natural helmet head.

Helmet head au natural.

When I’d gotten complaining out of my system (for the time being), we were ready to conquer this ziplining shit.

Charlie

As you can see, Charlie was not at all excited about devirginizing two celibate zippers.

Then it was time to make the trek to our first destination, which was far enough away that I had to squint to see the platform. And of course I had something to say about it.

You want me to walk where?

You want me to walk where?

Anyone bring a flask?

I’m out of breath. My feet hurt. Anyone bring a flask?

Once we arrived to the top of the shortest mountain in Tennessee, I was beyond ready to swing from the sky like Tarzan.

Hello

Bring it, Bitch.

In case we needed to know how not to land, there was a handy diagram on our equipment.

How not to land.

If you love your knee function, don’t do this.

Once I’d zipped 42 times (which therefore made me an expert on the sport) I had wise words of wisdom in how to accomplish a first attempt for my gal pal…

Don't be a pussy.

“Don’t be a pussy.”

Upon us both conquering the bunny hill of zipping, it was time for different camera angles. And while Ian, my camera dude, was placing the camera just so, I’m pretty sure he was thinking that working with me was a dream come true as I talked at him…

My feet hurt. Every camera man's dream.

My feet hurt, can I sit down?

Watch the 'do.

That’s too tight on my head.

Watch the aviators, Son!

Watch the aviator shades, Son!

When it came time to zip while wearing the lovely head apparatus, Charlie apparently thought I’d be able to hook myself up to the line all by my lonesome since I’d watched him do it for me 926 other times. It was then that I had to clue him in on my fingernail mantra, “Jewels, not tools.”

Jewels not tools.

I’ll just stand here and not break a nail while you hook me up again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

After zipping for four hours straight, not only were my thighs screaming due to overuse, my crotch was numb from being the sole bearer of my body weight.

My crotch is numb. Take 1,479.

Take 1,479. Ice pack, please.

It's a miracle.

It’s a wrap! Hallelujah. Do you think we’ll ever be able to have babies after this?

Making it back down the hill and posing with our studly instructors, Forest and Charlie, I ripped my harness off faster than a dress hits the floor on prom night.

Image 8

Mission accomplished.

We made it.

We did it.

I made an ass out of myself and it’s captured on film.

But, I survived.

Wish I could say the same for my shit kickers…

Dirty

Casualties of ziplining.

Oh, and my crotch is still numb if you were wondering.

CBXB

CBXB!

27 thoughts on “How to Make an Ass of Yourself Ziplining

  1. markbialczak says:

    Will I get in trouble if I answer to that last question, yes, I was wondering?
    By the way, CBXB, in one shot it appears as if you are starting the zipline journey from a step ladder placed on the top of a picnic table. Wow, what lavish equipment!

  2. markbialczak says:

    So, in all of your fabulousness, I nominate you for the Sunshine Award for surviving ziplines and reel sizzle.
    http://markbialczak.com/2014/01/16/passing-along-the-sunshine-award/

  3. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    That is so cool! I have always wanted to zip line. Can’t wait to see this.

  4. Phil Lanoue says:

    I’m exhausted and in pain just reading about this. So glad you are out there in the trenches doing this so that I may sit my ass down on the couch and relive the experience in total comfort. Thanks a bunch!

    • Oh you’re more than welcome. Happy to cause myself a little ‘misery’ for others to enjoy! The only thing that could have been better is if Ted was attached to me via papoose and zipped with me…then I’d sit back and watch that show.

  5. MrJohnson says:

    “Don’t be a pussy” is usually the best advice for success. I’m going to walk around with this saying in my head from now on.

  6. Ziplined in Northern Thailand and loved it!!! 🙂

  7. Phil Lanoue says:

    Did you say bourbon and beer?!? You my dear, have yourself tech support for life!
    Anyway, here’s what I was talking about how a video can look once uploaded to video and then embedded in your post.
    Check out this one I did a while back along with a still shot.
    http://phillanoue.com/2013/11/07/time-lapse-over-the-marsh-pond/
    The only problem is Vimeo does their best to make it just slightly annoying when using the free service since naturally they want you to pay for the full account.

    • THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! B squared for you for life! I am going to put my thinking cap on and figure this out next week (I have twins to celebrate this weekend and all). Have yourself a fabulous Friday!

  8. 1EarthUnited says:

    Too cool, still lookin’ fab in dem boots!

  9. You go girl! Love your makeup and your accessories on this post.

  10. SerachShiro says:

    Oooh your poor girl it was heavy but zip lining have to be fun and I loved the natural helm of Charlie ! Hahaha……..when you said; I ribbed my harness off faster than a dress hits the floor on prom night 🙂 ! By the way, both of the booties are awesome !

  11. curvyroads says:

    Ha, CBXB, what fun! I love ziplining, but you spoke the truth about the wear and tear on the crotch. 😀 Kickin boots girl!

Holla at me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s