Queen of a Cracked Skull

Being a fun aunt is going to be the death of me.

Being a fun aunt may be the death of me.

While in Iowa celebrating my niece and nephew’s 365th day on Earth this past weekend, I felt the need to put my mad skills as an aunt (I take my job very seriously) to use which unfortunately lead to a large lump on my noggin.

Let's play.

Cute culprits.

My tiny, demanding, adorably darling relatives race around on their hands and knees while fully expecting you to chase them. Being that I’m not the kind of aunt who rests on her laurels, I joined in on the carpet tag fun (much to my knees dismay).


Rug rats.

While traipsing around my sister’s house on all fours, lively niece decided to be a little shit and head for cover under the kitchen table.  In hopes to keep her from bumping her tender head, I went to stand up and grab her. In the process I introduced the crown of my skull to the granite countertop with such force, stars appeared before my eyes and high-pitched sounds filled my ears.

This happened. Fancy meeting you here. Where you've always been. Since the house was built.

Fancy meeting you here. Where you’ve always been. Since the house was built.

Being too stunned to move or say anything (I’m sure those who are around me constantly wish I’d hit my head on a regular basis so I would shut the fuck up from time to time), my sister came over and picked me up. Then we grabbed the closest frozen bag of anything out of the freezer and slapped it on my head.

Chocolate helps always.

Who are you? Where am I? Why is there an icy bag of chocolate chips on my head? Can I have one?

My bro-in-law came to my rescue with a ziploc of ice and a towel by which I was immediately confused.

Ice ice baby.

My best virgin Mary impression.

Oh! The towel is to put around my neck that feels like it just met a baseball bat.


Ice ice baby.

But then my head was cold. A fast thinker (and someone who was tired of my bitching) threw me a washcloth to alleviate the chills that were multiplying (you know, I’m pretty sure I saw Danny Zuko while the room was spinning after I sustained head trauma).

What. the. fuck.

Seriously. Who the fuck are you? Where am I? Why am I balancing ice on my head?

Because I was definitely dazed and beyond confused, we played fun games like, “how many fingers am I holding up,” and “can you touch your finger to your nose” with abandon. The possibilities of heading to the hospital were thwarted once I asked for liquor to help wash my pain away.

Sighs of relief were administered and my alcohol prescription was filled to the brim.

The cure!

The one and only cure for your truly.

If you weren’t already aware, a glass of champagne takes the brain pain away (you’re welcome for this tidbit).

Feelin' good in the 'hood.

I still don’t know who in the hell you are but I don’t care! I have champs!

While my collision with a counter was a few days ago, I still have a dull headache, sore neck, back and brain (full disclosure: my brain always hurts – I know you’re not surprised) and I’m wearing my lump like a crown.

But I am following my self advised cocktail prescription and that seems to help.

Now, who are you again?



51 thoughts on “Queen of a Cracked Skull

  1. SerachShiro says:

    Now I am Sérach and you must have a real playing spirit to go behind those rug rats on your knees……….hahaha ! Hope your head is already feeling good but I think I don’t have to worry because after a delicious glass of Champagne you have too, say ciao to the twins and a hug for you 🙂 !

  2. The things we do for other people’s kids….I once strained my ankle racing a four year old in the dark. Damn you, Ann Arbor shit sidewalks. It was my first week in the US, and I spent the next four barely moving….good to see you soldiered through!!

  3. Poor baby!!!! I think the “Skinny Pirate” will cure the pain.

  4. filbio says:

    Sorry to laugh but OUCH! Hope you drank enough to kill the pain!

  5. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha this is hilarious. Frozen chocolate chips and champagne are ALWAYS a great idea. Sorry you busted your head – I hope they let you eat all the chocolate chips : )

  6. Hi sweetheart, it’s me, Don. You’ve forgotten to send me the $500 this month. You were sending me $500 in cash every month for the next 10 years because of that thing I did for you, do you remember? Oh, and you’re also a Missouri Tiger fan, hence all that black and gold clothing…hope you’re feeling better! And nice job dropping an F bomb in your post! Love it!

  7. whatwewear says:

    ouch!!!! hope you’re feeling better!
    we must say though, you look pretty fabulous with packs of ice on your head and a cocktail in your hand 🙂

  8. 1EarthUnited says:

    Ouch! Feel better soon, keep the drinks coming. ♥

  9. Aussa Lorens says:

    Ouch ouch ouch I’ve hit my head on more things than I’d care to admit and absolutely feel your pain. I know that moment of panic when you leap to rescue a soft toddler head, I can’t imagine coming in contact with granite in the process.

    • Super Aunt to the rescue is all I have to say! And I can rub it in my niece’s face for the rest of her life. You know why I have a bad neck, niece? Saving your noggin 13 years ago….oh the complaining I can do!

  10. JMC813 says:

    Sounds like poor CBXB got a bit concussed. Sorry to hear it. Glad you are okay though. Granite counters are an unforgiving lot. Nothing a Screwdriver (drink) and a sledgehammer (actual sledge hammer) can’t take care of tho. LOL.

Holla at me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s