Slightly Drunk and Kinda Blind

One of my many blessing in life is my eyesight from hell.

Without aid from the wonders of optometry, I can’t operate a vehicle, I can’t see the alarm clock from my bed and I can’t find a contact lens when I’m drunk.

Hello Gorgeous

Hello Gorgeous.

Since gracing earth with my presence I’ve worn glasses and adapted to doing all kinds of activities in the lovely plastic specs that took up half of my facial circumference daily.

Dancing in tap class? No problemo.

Tapped my

Four-eyed Ginger Rogers at her finest.

Eating birthday cake in gigantic red goggles? Got it.

Cake

I wish I may, I wish I might have glasses that cure my poor eyesight.

Playing catcher for a girl’s softball team? Easy peasy.

Putting a catcher’s mask over my subtle, cherry red eyewear was about as much fun as you can imagine. Especially when I’d dramatically rip off my  mask (and also accidentally tear my glasses off in the process) in an attempt to catch a foul ball behind home base, which never happened as I couldn’t see shit without those Coke bottle sized lenses in front of my eyes.

Catch this.

I got it! I got it! I got it! Wait, I can’t see it….and now I have dirt in my eyes. Help.

When I was presented with the opportunity to swap my daily face accessory with contact lenses, I jumped at the chance. Surely, by getting contacts I would magically turn into a gorgeous mini version of Cindy Crawford, Christy Turlington or Kate Moss.

The transformation was amazing…

That's it!

From totally geek….

Yeah...didn't make that much difference.

…to totally geek.

While forcing plastic lenses (gas permeable, mind you) into my eyes as a kid didn’t turn me into a supermodel, they did help the moderate to high astigmatism that plagued my eyeballs.  Having contacts also taught me the importance of routine, as I had to clean the teeny tiny lenses morning and night which years later is as much a part of my daily activities as sipping a Skinny Pirate.

Speaking of routines and alcohol, I never ever go to sleep without taking my hard contacts out. So even when I’ve had five one cocktail too many, my body goes through the motions of removing my seeing aides.

One recent evening after happy hour, I popped my left lens out and instead of having it fall into my palm as usual, it suddenly disappeared.

Into thin air.

Scene of contact crime

Anybody see it?

Thing is, hard contacts are about half the size of your pinky nail. And mine are clear.
Upon realizing my mistake, I immediately became a statue, trying to not move a muscle while reaching for my trusty old spectacles.

And then I started to slowly gaze over the mounds of beauty products in an open drawer next to my contact case.

No luck.

Then I lightly combed the vanity with my fingers hoping to recover the hard piece of plastic.

No luck.

Ugh

Yeah, it takes this many pieces to put my puzzle together.

Then with a slight pit in my stomach, I looked toward the floor covered in khaki carpet.

No luck.

Little. Clear. Carpet

Anyone see it?

I was so desperate to recover my contact (I mean, the horror of having to wear my glasses to work consecutive days in a row!), I took to Twitter where my genius friend Oliver from The Winegetter suggested I turn off the light and use the flash on my phone to catch a glimpse of the pesky piece of plastic hiding from me.

No where - flash mob

Seriously. DO YOU SEE IT?

Slightly drunk, kinda blind and after crawling on my hands and knees for half of the evening, I threw in the towel on trying to locate the little bastard.

Four eyes.

Dazed, confused and contactless.

The next morning, I was getting ready to hop in the shower and went to grab my towel that hangs on the door directly behind the sink where my contact went missing.

Shower time.

A witness to the great contact caper.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear?

Grab'n'go.

The mother f’ing contact.

There was a miracle on that Monday morning, folks. Not only did I feel rested after an evening of drinking, but my thumb slightly brushed up against the piece of modern medicine that makes my eyes happy.

WTF? It's a Monday miracle!

You have to squint to see it. Seriously.

So how did my contact end up on a towel that was behind my head when I popped it out of my eye?

It will forever be a mystery to this slightly drunk and kinda blind gal.

I’m just happy I don’t currently have four eyes.

CBXB

CBXB!

60 thoughts on “Slightly Drunk and Kinda Blind

  1. Hey, at least in theory it might have helped….lol. Those glasses look great on you though (I’ve always had a thing for women and glasses)!!

  2. I’m surprised it didn’t turn up the next day in Teddy’s litter box. I still wear glasses, but I always wanted contacts.

    • Ha! I kept thinking Ted took it somewhere because of course he was right by my side helping me look for it. I figured it got stuck to his fur. I really like the ability to wear contacts or glasses and change it up. Someday I’d like to get corrective surgery but I’m still too chicken!

  3. Strewth, what would you have lost if you had another couple of “skinniest” under your belt? 🙂

  4. Hahahaha, the bit about trying to catch a foul pop up is hysterical. You do look great in your glasses too though. I’m glad you found your precious though.

    • Well, my dad probably has a video of my blind ass trying to catch a foul pop up ball. Thanks for the compliment – I don’t mind wearing glasses at all but I like being able to choose. You know us finicky ladies like our options!

  5. SerachShiro says:

    You are incredibile, from little on you had that teasy, interesting look in your eyes, love the photo, (my kids were looking them too and they already know you and Ted)! I can immagine the difficulty and feeling less pretty but you with your great personality don’t need too too worry, you look always good ! I ‘m happy that you found the contact lens and what a strange place to refind 🙂 !

  6. Ms B. BAD says:

    omg I hate when I lose a contact and find it the next morning! So frustrating! How are hard lenses? I have been wearing soft lenses for the last 15 years. Blehh lol

    • Hard contacts are a pain because every little thing bothers them. I have to put them in after I do my make up or my eyes dry out. But at least I can see!
      I wish I could wear soft lenses as I think they are more comfortable but my eye sight is so bad they don’t make hard contacts strong enough. I’m just so thankful there’s an alternative to Coke bottle thick glasses! 🙂

  7. Tracy says:

    Oh I remember those days! My sister lost one of hers in the grass outside and lucky for her, I found it!! Both my younger sister and I wore those for YEARS and she finally went back to glasses, easier for her. I had the Lasix done in 2001 and that was the best thing I ever did. Don’t miss those little suckers!

  8. markbialczak says:

    I wore specs until I was 12, CBXB, but not frames as big and beautiful as yours were/are. Then the eye doc said my “bad eye” wasn’t getting any better with the glasses, so, my choice … no more glasses! That glory lasted 28 years, until I needed reading glasses for my “good eye.” I must say that you look “spec”tacular with glasses and awesome with contacts, my friend.

  9. STILL laughing. Sorry, those pics of you are priceless. I too wear gas perms and the world needs to STOP when I lose one of those little guys. I’m always screaming, “DON’T MOVE!!!” to hub when I lose one. Too funny. Get a piece of dust or grit in it and it’s like being tortured. The pain is over the top. Going to share this post my friend. Others need to laugh too 🙂

    • Oh you feel my pain?! Aren’t gas perms the worst?! And my eyes have now become ultra sensitive and dry due to the little suckers so I have to carry around extra solution and cleaner in my purse every damn day. Oh the woes of being fabulous like us gals! XOXO

  10. Roshni AaMom says:

    LOL!! What a pain! Glad you found them!

  11. markbialczak says:

    Because you make me laugh and still always show a huge heart, CBXB, I nominate you for the Shauny Award.

  12. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    Slightly drunk? You? No way! So glad I don’t wear thise things as I would have lost them for good long ago!

  13. Phil Lanoue says:

    I feel your pain as I also suffer from poor vision. My eyesight is fully correctable to 20/20 or better. But without glasses or contacts I’m useless for anything farther then 8 inches from my nose, after that the world is a blur.
    I previously spent many an evening doing the blind night crawl as you describe until I switched to the daily disposables.
    I fully expected your lost lens would eventually end up being discovered stuck to Ted’s paw. Why do I always seem to blame the cat?!?
    Humm… can’t imagine why.

    • Teddy was most definitely my main suspect in the great contact caper, as he was prancing around on the carpet as I frantically looked for my contact. I thought for sure it got stuck to his fur – but lucky me, it was on my towel.
      Sounds like we have the same vision, Phil! I’d love to get daily disposables, alleviating my slightly drunk scavenger hunts…

  14. Love a happy ending however, you are most certainly a gurl who would get made passes while wearing glasses.

  15. CoCo says:

    Oh the struggles of drunkenly taking out contacts! It’s always the most sobering moment of the evening when it comes time to take them out.

  16. Nancy Brown says:

    Yes, thank God for sisters!,

  17. MrJohnson says:

    Your photo scanner is always working overtime. I admire your effort! For future reference, if we ever meet in person don’t wear any corrective lenses…I’m better looking that way.

    • Yeah, I need my visuals for posts, so my scanner is always smokin’. I have made note of your request in case we ever meet in person, however, I’ll never make it without my corrective lenses! Plus, I like your sunglasses in your profile pic. Just sayin’!

  18. stylentonic says:

    With or without glasses you look gorgeous girl! xxx

  19. Ha ha ha, this was great, and it could be my story too. And good ol’ gas permeables, they are still my contact lens, not that I can wear them very often now. Another eye issue came up, but wow, too funny, the stories of the blind. Cheers to you.

  20. Love the glasses. What great eye protection for that wild pitch! Mary had a pair like your goggles back when they were in style. Yes, it is true, they were in style at one time and no don’t ask me to explain it.

  21. FreeUrCloset says:

    Love your blast from the past photos — always so stylish (love the cherry red frames). Girlie, we think you look fabulous with and without the glasses, and wow, finding your missing contact in your towel must be a miracle. We were sure Ted would find it before you, haha.

    XOXO N & N

  22. Hey, I think you should find those glasses and rock them now! I think they look pretty cool and you look beautiful with glasses. The red ones are my favorites.

  23. st sahm says:

    You were freakin adorable! Gas perm contacts are so heavy and awful…rather sport the red frames. Can I just say how fabulous, stylish and funny you are!

    • Oh you just made my day, St. Sahm! Thank you for the kind words. While the gas perms are a definite pain in the ass, I don’t know about wearing those red frames every day! I mean, what would all of the pink in my wardrobe thing?! 🙂

  24. […] Coaxed by cute faces (and a little begging) and with the gracefulness of an elephant, I hoisted myself up onto the Aquaglide (which does anything but glide) while blind as a bat without my prescription sunglasses. […]

  25. […] and beat the living shit out of The Rapist, I couldn’t remove myself from that couch. Being blind as a motherfucking bat, my glasses and phone were across the room. I didn’t know if he was awake, passed out or […]

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