Slightly Drunk and Kinda Blind

One of my many blessing in life is my eyesight from hell.

Without aid from the wonders of optometry, I can’t operate a vehicle, I can’t see the alarm clock from my bed and I can’t find a contact lens when I’m drunk.

Hello Gorgeous

Hello Gorgeous.

Since gracing earth with my presence I’ve worn glasses and adapted to doing all kinds of activities in the lovely plastic specs that took up half of my facial circumference daily.

Dancing in tap class? No problemo.

Tapped my

Four-eyed Ginger Rogers at her finest.

Eating birthday cake in gigantic red goggles? Got it.

Cake

I wish I may, I wish I might have glasses that cure my poor eyesight.

Playing catcher for a girl’s softball team? Easy peasy.

Putting a catcher’s mask over my subtle, cherry red eyewear was about as much fun as you can imagine. Especially when I’d dramatically rip off my  mask (and also accidentally tear my glasses off in the process) in an attempt to catch a foul ball behind home base, which never happened as I couldn’t see shit without those Coke bottle sized lenses in front of my eyes.

Catch this.

I got it! I got it! I got it! Wait, I can’t see it….and now I have dirt in my eyes. Help.

When I was presented with the opportunity to swap my daily face accessory with contact lenses, I jumped at the chance. Surely, by getting contacts I would magically turn into a gorgeous mini version of Cindy Crawford, Christy Turlington or Kate Moss.

The transformation was amazing…

That's it!

From totally geek….

Yeah...didn't make that much difference.

…to totally geek.

While forcing plastic lenses (gas permeable, mind you) into my eyes as a kid didn’t turn me into a supermodel, they did help the moderate to high astigmatism that plagued my eyeballs.  Having contacts also taught me the importance of routine, as I had to clean the teeny tiny lenses morning and night which years later is as much a part of my daily activities as sipping a Skinny Pirate.

Speaking of routines and alcohol, I never ever go to sleep without taking my hard contacts out. So even when I’ve had five one cocktail too many, my body goes through the motions of removing my seeing aides.

One recent evening after happy hour, I popped my left lens out and instead of having it fall into my palm as usual, it suddenly disappeared.

Into thin air.

Scene of contact crime

Anybody see it?

Thing is, hard contacts are about half the size of your pinky nail. And mine are clear.
Upon realizing my mistake, I immediately became a statue, trying to not move a muscle while reaching for my trusty old spectacles.

And then I started to slowly gaze over the mounds of beauty products in an open drawer next to my contact case.

No luck.

Then I lightly combed the vanity with my fingers hoping to recover the hard piece of plastic.

No luck.

Ugh

Yeah, it takes this many pieces to put my puzzle together.

Then with a slight pit in my stomach, I looked toward the floor covered in khaki carpet.

No luck.

Little. Clear. Carpet

Anyone see it?

I was so desperate to recover my contact (I mean, the horror of having to wear my glasses to work consecutive days in a row!), I took to Twitter where my genius friend Oliver from The Winegetter suggested I turn off the light and use the flash on my phone to catch a glimpse of the pesky piece of plastic hiding from me.

No where - flash mob

Seriously. DO YOU SEE IT?

Slightly drunk, kinda blind and after crawling on my hands and knees for half of the evening, I threw in the towel on trying to locate the little bastard.

Four eyes.

Dazed, confused and contactless.

The next morning, I was getting ready to hop in the shower and went to grab my towel that hangs on the door directly behind the sink where my contact went missing.

Shower time.

A witness to the great contact caper.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear?

Grab'n'go.

The mother f’ing contact.

There was a miracle on that Monday morning, folks. Not only did I feel rested after an evening of drinking, but my thumb slightly brushed up against the piece of modern medicine that makes my eyes happy.

WTF? It's a Monday miracle!

You have to squint to see it. Seriously.

So how did my contact end up on a towel that was behind my head when I popped it out of my eye?

It will forever be a mystery to this slightly drunk and kinda blind gal.

I’m just happy I don’t currently have four eyes.

CBXB

CBXB!

60 thoughts on “Slightly Drunk and Kinda Blind

  1. […] and beat the living shit out of The Rapist, I couldn’t remove myself from that couch. Being blind as a motherfucking bat, my glasses and phone were across the room. I didn’t know if he was awake, passed out or […]

  2. […] Coaxed by cute faces (and a little begging) and with the gracefulness of an elephant, I hoisted myself up onto the Aquaglide (which does anything but glide) while blind as a bat without my prescription sunglasses. […]

  3. st sahm says:

    You were freakin adorable! Gas perm contacts are so heavy and awful…rather sport the red frames. Can I just say how fabulous, stylish and funny you are!

    • Oh you just made my day, St. Sahm! Thank you for the kind words. While the gas perms are a definite pain in the ass, I don’t know about wearing those red frames every day! I mean, what would all of the pink in my wardrobe thing?! 🙂

  4. Hey, I think you should find those glasses and rock them now! I think they look pretty cool and you look beautiful with glasses. The red ones are my favorites.

  5. FreeUrCloset says:

    Love your blast from the past photos — always so stylish (love the cherry red frames). Girlie, we think you look fabulous with and without the glasses, and wow, finding your missing contact in your towel must be a miracle. We were sure Ted would find it before you, haha.

    XOXO N & N

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