Slightly Drunk and Kinda Blind

One of my many blessing in life is my eyesight from hell.

Without aid from the wonders of optometry, I can’t operate a vehicle, I can’t see the alarm clock from my bed and I can’t find a contact lens when I’m drunk.

Hello Gorgeous

Hello Gorgeous.

Since gracing earth with my presence I’ve worn glasses and adapted to doing all kinds of activities in the lovely plastic specs that took up half of my facial circumference daily.

Dancing in tap class? No problemo.

Tapped my

Four-eyed Ginger Rogers at her finest.

Eating birthday cake in gigantic red goggles? Got it.


I wish I may, I wish I might have glasses that cure my poor eyesight.

Playing catcher for a girl’s softball team? Easy peasy.

Putting a catcher’s mask over my subtle, cherry red eyewear was about as much fun as you can imagine. Especially when I’d dramatically rip off my  mask (and also accidentally tear my glasses off in the process) in an attempt to catch a foul ball behind home base, which never happened as I couldn’t see shit without those Coke bottle sized lenses in front of my eyes.

Catch this.

I got it! I got it! I got it! Wait, I can’t see it….and now I have dirt in my eyes. Help.

When I was presented with the opportunity to swap my daily face accessory with contact lenses, I jumped at the chance. Surely, by getting contacts I would magically turn into a gorgeous mini version of Cindy Crawford, Christy Turlington or Kate Moss.

The transformation was amazing…

That's it!

From totally geek….

Yeah...didn't make that much difference.

…to totally geek.

While forcing plastic lenses (gas permeable, mind you) into my eyes as a kid didn’t turn me into a supermodel, they did help the moderate to high astigmatism that plagued my eyeballs.  Having contacts also taught me the importance of routine, as I had to clean the teeny tiny lenses morning and night which years later is as much a part of my daily activities as sipping a Skinny Pirate.

Speaking of routines and alcohol, I never ever go to sleep without taking my hard contacts out. So even when I’ve had five one cocktail too many, my body goes through the motions of removing my seeing aides.

One recent evening after happy hour, I popped my left lens out and instead of having it fall into my palm as usual, it suddenly disappeared.

Into thin air.

Scene of contact crime

Anybody see it?

Thing is, hard contacts are about half the size of your pinky nail. And mine are clear.
Upon realizing my mistake, I immediately became a statue, trying to not move a muscle while reaching for my trusty old spectacles.

And then I started to slowly gaze over the mounds of beauty products in an open drawer next to my contact case.

No luck.

Then I lightly combed the vanity with my fingers hoping to recover the hard piece of plastic.

No luck.


Yeah, it takes this many pieces to put my puzzle together.

Then with a slight pit in my stomach, I looked toward the floor covered in khaki carpet.

No luck.

Little. Clear. Carpet

Anyone see it?

I was so desperate to recover my contact (I mean, the horror of having to wear my glasses to work consecutive days in a row!), I took to Twitter where my genius friend Oliver from The Winegetter suggested I turn off the light and use the flash on my phone to catch a glimpse of the pesky piece of plastic hiding from me.

No where - flash mob

Seriously. DO YOU SEE IT?

Slightly drunk, kinda blind and after crawling on my hands and knees for half of the evening, I threw in the towel on trying to locate the little bastard.

Four eyes.

Dazed, confused and contactless.

The next morning, I was getting ready to hop in the shower and went to grab my towel that hangs on the door directly behind the sink where my contact went missing.

Shower time.

A witness to the great contact caper.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear?


The mother f’ing contact.

There was a miracle on that Monday morning, folks. Not only did I feel rested after an evening of drinking, but my thumb slightly brushed up against the piece of modern medicine that makes my eyes happy.

WTF? It's a Monday miracle!

You have to squint to see it. Seriously.

So how did my contact end up on a towel that was behind my head when I popped it out of my eye?

It will forever be a mystery to this slightly drunk and kinda blind gal.

I’m just happy I don’t currently have four eyes.



60 thoughts on “Slightly Drunk and Kinda Blind

  1. Love the glasses. What great eye protection for that wild pitch! Mary had a pair like your goggles back when they were in style. Yes, it is true, they were in style at one time and no don’t ask me to explain it.

  2. Ha ha ha, this was great, and it could be my story too. And good ol’ gas permeables, they are still my contact lens, not that I can wear them very often now. Another eye issue came up, but wow, too funny, the stories of the blind. Cheers to you.

  3. stylentonic says:

    With or without glasses you look gorgeous girl! xxx

  4. MrJohnson says:

    Your photo scanner is always working overtime. I admire your effort! For future reference, if we ever meet in person don’t wear any corrective lenses…I’m better looking that way.

    • Yeah, I need my visuals for posts, so my scanner is always smokin’. I have made note of your request in case we ever meet in person, however, I’ll never make it without my corrective lenses! Plus, I like your sunglasses in your profile pic. Just sayin’!

  5. Nancy Brown says:

    Yes, thank God for sisters!,

  6. CoCo says:

    Oh the struggles of drunkenly taking out contacts! It’s always the most sobering moment of the evening when it comes time to take them out.

  7. Love a happy ending however, you are most certainly a gurl who would get made passes while wearing glasses.

  8. Phil Lanoue says:

    I feel your pain as I also suffer from poor vision. My eyesight is fully correctable to 20/20 or better. But without glasses or contacts I’m useless for anything farther then 8 inches from my nose, after that the world is a blur.
    I previously spent many an evening doing the blind night crawl as you describe until I switched to the daily disposables.
    I fully expected your lost lens would eventually end up being discovered stuck to Ted’s paw. Why do I always seem to blame the cat?!?
    Humm… can’t imagine why.

    • Teddy was most definitely my main suspect in the great contact caper, as he was prancing around on the carpet as I frantically looked for my contact. I thought for sure it got stuck to his fur – but lucky me, it was on my towel.
      Sounds like we have the same vision, Phil! I’d love to get daily disposables, alleviating my slightly drunk scavenger hunts…

  9. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    Slightly drunk? You? No way! So glad I don’t wear thise things as I would have lost them for good long ago!

  10. markbialczak says:

    Because you make me laugh and still always show a huge heart, CBXB, I nominate you for the Shauny Award.

Holla at me!

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