How to Remedy Hair Hell

Ever wake up after a hard night’s sleep, take a gander in the mirror and immediately want to wave a white flag in defeat?


I gave up. Obviously.

Surrendering any hope for good lookin’ locks for the day, you know when you show face (or dark roots, rather) in public folks will be talking behind your back about what a trashtacular turn for the worst your looks have taken? How you’re letting yourself go? How you must be broke as the top three inches of your hair are shades darker than the rest of your locks?

There's Something About Mary hair.

“There’s Something About Mary” hair – only greasier.

OK, so I don’t generally go in public decked out like a dork.  But I do often wake up longing for hair that magically grows a light blonde out of my scalp (instead, I have to visit my magician every six weeks) therefore alleviating the need for me to wash my hair  If I miss a shampoo, I look like I have taken Crisco to my roots by noon.

How does one cover up the trashiness growing from her mane?

Here are a few remedies I’ve found work for my hair indiscretions.

#1. The Snooki


The Southern version of the Jersey Shore ‘do.

Requirements: two barrettes.

Two barettes

Objects may seem higher in the mirror than in actuality.

This overall style saves me 25 minutes of hair hell in the morning.

#2. The Bang

When I was bitching at work regarding my greasy, grimy mane, a girl turned around and said, “Just wash your bangs in the morning.”

No shit? Being blonde is hard work.

Wash your bangs. Duh.

Full frontal cleanliness.

Requirements: shampoo and blow dryer.  This version of “clean” hair saves me 20 minutes of primping.

#3. The Bret Michaels

Every rose...

Every hair has its thorn…

Requirements: scarf (and no ponytail the day/night before).

Louis Vuitton to the rescue!

Talk dirty to me.

This is an ultimate time saver, as I can truly bounce out of bed, tie a scarf and go (but I have to remember to pack a Sharpie marker in my purse for all of the autographs I’m asked to sign while sporting this style), which saves me 30 minutes of hair agony.

#4. The Bun

This was an accidental oily hair cover-up, as I tossed my locks up in a bun one day at the beach.  But when I realized it would stay put all day, the look was added to my dark root arsenal.

An accidental beach miracle.

An accidental beach miracle.

Requirements: one scrunchie (yes I said a scrunchie – I’m too cheap to buy the bun sponge helper thing. But it doesn’t count as a scrunchie in public if you can’t see it. Ok? OK?!) and bobby pins.

Bun it.

Just dreaming of Jeannie and wishing I could grant wishes.

Behind the bun.

Behind the bun.

This ballerina remedy adds another 15 minutes to my day.

#5. The Hat Trick


Can’t tell I’m a slimy mess under the fedora, can you?

This is the simplest remedy of them all. Grab hat. Put on head.

Requirements: any kind of stylish head topper.

Put a cap on it.

Playing hide and seek with the horrific dark roots.

This trick saves me 35 minutes of messing with my tresses.

After all of the five remedies above have been tried and tested over the 42 days between salon visits (minus the nerd look), it’s time to visit my miracle maker.

Getting blonder by the second.

Getting blonder (but not smarter) by the second.

My roots breathe a momentary sigh of relief as I let them come out to play in all of their newfound blonde glory.


Back to blonde…for a little while.

If you happen to see me in any of the above states, you’ll know I’m either trying to eek out seven weeks between salon visits or avoid washing my hair (because I’m hung over, tired from a long weekend, hung over or just plain lazy).

It’s possible you won’t recognize me in all of my “I-swear-I-don’t-live-in-a-house-on-wheels-although-you’d-never-know-it-with-my-three-inches-of-visible-dark-roots” various, incognito giddy ups as you mistake me for Bret Michaels. Or any guest from the Maury Povich show.



58 thoughts on “How to Remedy Hair Hell

  1. John says:

    Great photos! I love all the facial expressions. Fun post!

  2. aliciabenton says:

    Love this! My secret – dry shampoo. Best invention ever. Just spray and go!

  3. Hub loves the pic of you in your gay-friendly suspenders! Way to go to be politically correct at a young age! You are ROCKING the LV headband, girl!

  4. This post was amazing. And you’re badass. xoxo 🙂

  5. Tracy says:

    Being “blonde” is tough and I am about to do just that in about a month. Time for my summer color!!

  6. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    OMG – that dork pic of you is amazing!

    Who are you kidding – you look hot no matter what hairdo you use. Hey Snooki – lets go in the smush room! 😉

  7. markbialczak says:

    I love your bag of hair remedies, CBXB. I just went all male pattern on it. Only step: Get sides and back cut relatively short every four weeks. Time saved: 25 years, if the ticker holds up.

    • You lucky duck! I figured you wear a fancy hat every now and then, as you have one on in your profile pic. But only needing to trim the back and sides must be fantastic, especially since you’re saving 25 years!

  8. renxkyoko says:

    LOL The bun ! ! That’s how I do it ! ! problem solved ! And i even posted a photo 0f moi with that big lump on my head . he he

  9. MrJohnson says:

    This post was educational.

    Greasy roots?’s the wet look.

  10. SerachShiro says:

    LOve especially your hair with the 😉 bun but you’re ‘always looking good with every hair look in your photos so you can where it in every way you like !

  11. Phil Lanoue says:

    You had rainbow suspenders?!?

  12. marisaporter says:

    All those look great. Your hair looks awesome.

  13. vudragovich says:

    It is so nice of you to pretend to not be a natural blonde for all of your root challenged followers!
    I hope Mr Teddie did not end up with any blonde spots in the making of this post 😉

  14. Nancy Brown says:

    Bangs and Bun!

  15. I do the bun, too…or French braid or high ponytail. My bun prefers a scrunchie or decorative hair chopsticks (makes me look extra Asian…LOL!)

  16. whatwewear says:

    being a blonde IS hard work! but you make it look fabulous dahling!

  17. All excellent ideas, definately going to add these to my list! I’ve always thought that blond hair shows the grease more than dark hair, but I still stay blond anyway!

  18. Aussa Lorens says:

    Have you never used dry shampoo???? It will change your life!!!

  19. You look so cute on that first picture :). I am digging the bang and the hat trick.

  20. That first picture…you were the “Nerd “Goddess!”

  21. FreeUrCloset says:

    There you all have it — Being Blonde is the Hardestest Work EVER, Megan just makes it look easy, and Ted, Dick(the New Cat), and the rest of us wouldn’t have you any other way … XOXO N & N

  22. elkee says:

    The Brett Michael’s hahahahahahaha!

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