Oh spring break how I miss you.
It seems just about everyone I know is packing up and heading to a warm, sunny, sandy, cocktail filled destination at the moment. So while sitting on the porch at my Nashville mini manse with an umbrella shoved into my Skinny Pirate, bird shit under my feet and last summer’s failed flower attempts rotting away in their pretty pots reminiscing on past vacations, I got a fresh email from Carnival Cruise Lines (rub it in my face whydontcha?).
Upon being reminded that I won’t be sailing away on a fun ship anytime soon, I decided revisiting a vacay with you would put a little pep in my spring step and give you tips for trashtactic hilarity on a boat.
First, one must kick the trip off with a photo bomb.
Sweet Nana just wanted a photo with her daughters for a holiday card…too bad. We were the last group to get on board and my attempt at a successful bomb even made the photographer giggle after his other 1,998 snapshots.
Upon boarding the ship, you must rush to your room and make sure the liquor mouthwash you carefully packed (even reattaching the tamper seal with super glue…yep I’m that classy!) did not get confiscated from luggage (God forbid any extra money is spent aboard the ship).
Next, you must check out the personalized party favors gifted from the gang you’re traveling with…thus finding out where you rank popularity-wise (don’t get your hopes up too high). Our party received tanks with nick names listed on the back (I loathe wearing matching giddy-ups but have no shame) as well as personalized drinking glasses.
To ease your mother’s worried mind, send her a picture of yourself ensuring the height of the cabin deck railings will prevent you from falling overboard into the sea (she was seriously concerned about this taking place – but in her defense I once fell down every single step at the Lincoln Memorial on a class trip).
To make your trip above and beyond entertaining, you should seek out the loudest, crudest, funniest, could-give-a-rat’s-ass ladies (one of their crew experienced boat jail before even stepping aboard the ship because she forgot she had bullets in her purse…you know in between her moonshine and tampons) to be your cruise BFFs, calling attention to every single thing you do.
Having boisterous new pals will make complete strangers come up and want pictures taken with you. Below is my newly acquired bestie, who wanted her picture taken with “crazy girl” (shockingly her words, not mine). She introduced herself as Old Fart, naturally.
I also suggest adopting a cruise pet to keep you mind off your little fur ball anxiously awaiting your return home. I took an adorable pigeon under my drunken wing, trying to coax him to perch upon my finger by tossing coconut breading his way. As the bird gobbled up the goods I kept scaring the bejesus out of him while trying to shove my digit under his talons.
To really up the ante and make a famous ass of yourself on a cruise, get tipsy (because it’s raining and you have nothing else to do all day long but guzzle libations).
Then while making your way to the bathroom, get motivated to stop and dance with a lone stranger (she was having her own fun, so I needed to crash her party) on the slippery deck to the sweet sounds of Hall & Oates.
Because you’ll be dancing as if no one was watching (like, you know 902 eyeballs) be sure you still have your swimsuit on at 11pm for the complete effect (because rainy days call for swimsuits and no wardrobe changes) as you act like you’ve never pranced around in your damn life.
All of your dancing nonsense will not only garner you endless stares from passengers the next day, it will also grant you first place in a very special contest. I woke up to this on our cabin door the following morning…
All in all if you follow my steps carefully, you will have a hazy recollection of a fun, eventful, laugh-’til-you-throw-up kinda cruise (or spring break). And you really won’t care that you made an ass of yourself (provided you drink all of your liquor mouthwash).