How to be Almost Famous on a Cruise

Oh spring break how I miss you.

Not me right now.

Not me right now.

It seems just about everyone I know is packing up and heading to a warm, sunny, sandy, cocktail filled destination at the moment. So while sitting on the porch at my Nashville mini manse with an umbrella shoved into my Skinny Pirate, bird shit under my feet and last summer’s failed flower attempts rotting away in their pretty pots reminiscing on past vacations, I got a fresh email from Carnival Cruise Lines (rub it in my face whydontcha?).

Oh the joys of porch sitting.

How we feel about winters that last too long with no spring break.

Upon being reminded that I won’t be sailing away on a fun ship anytime soon, I decided revisiting a vacay with you would put a little pep in my spring step and give you tips for trashtactic hilarity on a boat.

First, one must kick the trip off with a photo bomb.

Sweet Nana just wanted a photo with her daughters for a holiday card…too bad. We were the last group to get on board and my attempt at a successful bomb even made the photographer giggle after his other 1,998 snapshots.

Last but not least ruining a Christmas card.

Upon boarding the ship, you must rush to your room and make sure the liquor mouthwash you carefully packed (even reattaching the tamper seal with super glue…yep I’m that classy!) did not get confiscated from luggage (God forbid any extra money is spent aboard the ship).

Mouthwash at its finest. Best mouthwash ever.

Mouthwash at its finest.

Next, you must check out the personalized party favors gifted from the gang you’re traveling with…thus finding out where you rank popularity-wise (don’t get your hopes up too high). Our party received tanks with nick names listed on the back (I loathe wearing matching giddy-ups but have no shame) as well as personalized drinking glasses.

The problem? My name isn’t Morgan.

Obviously my drinking reputation preceded my appearance on the boat.

To ease your mother’s worried mind, send her a picture of yourself ensuring the height of the cabin deck railings will prevent you from falling overboard into the sea (she was seriously concerned about this taking place – but in her defense I once fell down every single step at the Lincoln Memorial on a class trip).

Look Ma, no hands!

It would take waaaaay too much effort for me to hoist myself over. Plus, I don’t want to get my hair wet. Priorities, yo.

To make your trip above and beyond entertaining, you should seek out the loudest, crudest, funniest, could-give-a-rat’s-ass ladies (one of their crew experienced boat jail before even stepping aboard the ship because she forgot she had bullets in her purse…you know in between her moonshine and tampons) to be your cruise BFFs, calling attention to every single thing you do.

Lost in the bullet offender's bosom.

Quietly lost in the bullet offender’s bosom before a photo op.

Decible breaking

The unabashedly trashy, thunderous, photo loving group.

Having boisterous new pals will make complete strangers come up and want pictures taken with you. Below is my newly acquired bestie, who wanted her picture taken with “crazy girl” (shockingly her words, not mine). She introduced herself as Old Fart, naturally.

Craziness with an Old Fart.

I also suggest adopting a cruise pet to keep you mind off your little fur ball anxiously awaiting your return home. I took an adorable pigeon under my drunken wing, trying to coax him to perch upon my finger by tossing coconut breading his way. As the bird gobbled up the goods I kept scaring the bejesus out of him while trying to shove my digit under his talons.

Pigeon on my finger fail.

To really up the ante and make a famous ass of yourself on a cruise, get tipsy (because it’s raining and you have nothing else to do all day long but guzzle libations).


When it rains, I pour.

Then while making your way to the bathroom, get motivated to stop and dance with a lone stranger (she was having her own fun, so I needed to crash her party) on the slippery deck to the sweet sounds of Hall & Oates.

The unsuspecting crowd.

A rainy deck full of eyes about to be on yours truly.

Because you’ll be dancing as if no one was watching (like, you know 902 eyeballs) be sure you still have your swimsuit on at 11pm for the complete effect (because rainy days call for swimsuits and no wardrobe changes) as you act like you’ve never pranced around in your damn life.

Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Celebrating my mad non-rhythmic, making-an- ass-of-myself skills.

All of your dancing nonsense will not only garner you endless stares from passengers the next day, it will also grant you first place in a very special contest. I woke up to this on our cabin door the following morning…

YES! I WON! Wait…

All in all if you follow my steps carefully, you will have a hazy recollection of a fun, eventful, laugh-’til-you-throw-up kinda cruise (or spring break). And you really won’t care that you made an ass of yourself (provided you drink all of your liquor mouthwash).

Ships ahoy!



45 thoughts on “How to be Almost Famous on a Cruise

  1. Nancy Brown says:

    Having wonderful time here. Meanwhile your future x-uncle in Nevada for a week golfing??????? Next year I coming to your place!

  2. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    Cruising is the best! A party and drinkfest at sea. Nice idea with the liquor mouthwash ya lush! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Tracy says:

    Oh the smuggling thing. We did that too, but with a plastic Coke bottle. Put rum in it and then hubby carefully superglued the top back on like it had never been opened. Gotta save money somewhere as drink prices are absolutely ridiculous!

  4. paws2smile says:

    Hehehe! Looks like fun! I always enjoy your posts and reading what trouble you will be getting into. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. “unabashedly trashy” – Shakespearean!
    Did not know about “boat jail” but then again didn’t know about mouthwash trick either – this is a very educationally rich posting.
    Happy Weekend!!!!!

  6. Craig w/o blog says:

    I do remember that tumble you took at the Lincoln Memorial. The 3 hours at the DC emergency room was entertaining as I recall. As we sat there waiting for a doctor, gunshot and knife victims continually kept push ahead of your broken ankle. We finally got back to the hotel around 2-3am. Luckily Busby was his usual calm self ๐Ÿ˜‰
    It took a team effort to get you around DC. Steve and Mike pushing your wheelchair and carrying your crutches. A much younger me carrying you up the Ford Theater and Capitol steps.
    The best had to be when the Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole spoke with you for 15-20 minutes about how he and Tom Harken were working to pass the Americans with Disabilities Act. You sat there and played along with him while the rest of us just nodded and smiled.

    • HA! Thank you for the brush up on the events that took place because I SO plan on writing a post about it in the future. I remember all of the ER fun – you and Busby were so patient and nice. I’m sure you got the workout of your life trying to carry me up the Ford Theater steps!
      I remember how I didn’t want to be in the wheelchair but after my underarms went raw I had to…which is where Steve and Mike came in so handy.
      Luckily for me, I have a pic of Bob Dole talking to me…
      I always think of you and that trip anytime I hear of Abe Lincoln or his memorial.
      Thanks for the fun memories!!

  7. Hey, I’d be concerned about you falling over too! We used to own a charter boat and our biggest rule was “no sitting on the railings!” Tugboat man was VERY strict about that LOL.

  8. markbialczak says:

    What, no karaoke?

    You seem to have accomplished every other pursuit of happiness available on a mid-sized cruise ship, my friend.

    We’ve never smuggled booze on board. Last year Karen and I bought the pre-paid drinking package from RCI. Proud and popular owners of that feature got a large PP printed on the board pass card. I do believe we got our money’s worth.

    And I sang “Bring It On Home” a cappella to open karaoke night because the young sound system meisters did not have the soul classic in their collection.

    Thanks for bringing back the memories. I know we would be pool deck pals at the bar..

    • STOP IT! I am loving that you sang acappella to open karaoke night! Money. I must apply that to my next cruise trip.

      You are high falutin’ getting the pre-paid drink package! This trip was my first cruise and I kinda just hopped aboard…I’m sure you got your money’s worth though!

      • markbialczak says:

        It was our seventh cruise together, but the first one that ever offered the beverages-inclusive package. It was really good because the price included tips, too. The non-pre-paid way I was always adding a couple of bucks every time I signed the damn sea pass credit card for drinks. All the bartenders at the bar on the pool deck and the bar on our room deck knew us quick and served us right away. It rocked! Yeah, you gotta do the karaoke when you’re not a cruise newbie anymore, CBXB. By the way, in the photos from the first cruise, YOU LOOK FABULOUS! Make that drunk, happy and stupendous!!

      • Is there anything better than being a happy and stupendous drunk? I think not! Which will make cruise boat karaoke sound all the more fun next time I’m at sea! I also need to look into the pre-paid package. Might save me time and money trying to sneak my beverages on board!

  9. John says:

    you is a bad gurl – trouble maker!!

Holla at me!

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