Oh the perks of a beach vacation…
Being the lucky gal that I am, saying yes to a trip to Key West for a break in the dreary Tennessee weather was not a hard decision. What does one do while on the way to a beach destination?
Greet lunch with a fruity cocktail, naturally.
Vacations require cocktails at all times.
What better way to prepare your bod to slip into a bikini than to stuff your face with fresh crab claws and french fries?
Thank God swimsuits contain elastic.
Instead of racing into lycra, I thought about being tied up and roasted for someone else’s dinner after all of the noontime sodium collected in my gut.
CBXB hog roast.
Checking into the hotel, I could hardly wait to see where I’d be sipping my morning Bloody Mary’s…
Balcony fail.
But the view from my vacation porch didn’t really matter much because I immediately planted my crab claw happy ass here…
Successful view.
After a hard day soaking up the sun, it was time to research the Key West nightlife. I had a difficult time deciding if this particular bar would be a good choice or not…
Should I stay or should I go now?
After an evening filled with Skinny Pirates, a sunset and me remaining fully clothed I decided to detox with yoga on the beach the next morning.
Namaste.
Practicing yoga under palm trees with the sound of ocean waves in the distance sounded to good to be true.
Little slice of paradise.
And anything that sounds too good to be true usually is, right?
TRUTH.
Because just as the few folks who were ferocious enough to put their vacay hangovers aside and partake in yoga we were greeted with this unsightly horror…
Fucking seriously.
And while you may be thinking what’s wrong with a baby at beachside yoga (aside from everything), there’s something even more wrong with the fact that there were two (yes TWO) Pomeranian puppies in that stupid stroller (I say this as an animal lover) that did nothing but whine, whine, whimper, bark and whine every other second for the full hour.
The pups resembled Ted’s adorable buddy Nigel above but quickly turned into the most heinous dogs ever with their incessant noise.
There’s nothing more relaxing than concentrating (bark) on perfecting (whine) a plank (bark bark) with two (whimper whimper whimper) upset dogs. What made these little fur balls even more annoying? The fact that both their humans completely ignored their yammering while they were doing downward dogs. Yes, parents can make even the most adorable kids ugly to others. Congratulations to the vacationing idiots.
After the most non-relaxing hour of yoga in history, I started in on the day’s real matter of business.
Driven to drink by dogs and stupid humans.
So I parked it on my favorite lounge chair to begin the day’s vacation festivities.
Why can’t reading by the pool while sipping cocktails be a real job?
I would be a star employee.
Although I could never keep the fruit attached to the rim of my glass.
Lime fail #27.
I would probably be the first employee ever to be fired from beachside lounging with cocktails…
No moonshine on the beach? Oops.
One of the best features of Key West is being able to stroll along the street, stop into bars and carry cocktails down to the Sunset Pier.
See ya tomorrow.
I thought the next best thing to the sunset was a band (that didn’t play anything other than Phish songs – a fail in my book) that had a dog on stage. Seeing this chillaxin’ canine melted any animosity I held against the entire species due to those yapping yoga puppies.
Can I have your dog? Please?
Watching sunsets and admiring dogs can leave one famished, so naturally you must cram your face full of swimsuit busting food.
Working on my bikini body.
Then have a nightcap (or three) at the World’s Smallest Bar.
Seriously. That tiny.
And because even in flip-flops my feet ache after walking 10 too many steps, I jumped at the first chance I could to cruise in the most gorgeous cab I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Can you drive me back to Nashville?
You know you’ve had a fabulous trip when this is how you feel about returning to ‘real’ life…
Why do vacations have to end?
If anyone is looking for a sidekick for their next beach getaway, holla at me! I’m an expert at drinking in the sun…
CBXB
Cowboys and Crossbones 
Wow you had a great time there, you are so lucky, and these pups in the stroller, that I think was so hilarious to find out…………hahaha ! It must be great fun there and with some good drinks and some sun it have to be wonderful 🙂 !
It was a fabulous time, indeed! I was so lucky to get to go and spend some time in the sun, drink cocktails and practice yoga with puppies!