How to Keep Your Pussy Clean

I am the proud owner of Ted, the laziest feline on the planet.

Not only does his high maintenance ass require $60 green pea and duck prescription food due to a stomach issue, he now refuses to clean himself.

You lookin' at me?

Delicate cycle, please.

While doing laundry one evening this precious pussy decided to take great interest in an activity he’s seen me perform 9,562 other times since he came to reside in our mini manse.

Curious

Making sure he matches the clothes in the load.

Even more

Further examination.

In he goes

Committing to a cleaning.

Relieved I hadn’t yet started the water, I peered in to see if Mr. Bear made a soft landing.

Blending in chameleon

TB’s best chameleon impression.

He was walking around in circles, acting like the soft material below his royal paws was jagged glass.

Tail feather

Using paws of steel to navigate the rough terrain.

Seeing his head shoot up like a gopher from the ground, I thought Teddy was going to pop out of the cleaning device in no time.

Gopher

Shadow seen. Six more seconds of washer fun.

As I tried to wait patiently (I didn’t want cat claws to ruin any of my treasured bedazzled threads, therefore refrained from raising my voice) TB decided he was tired from the 18 seconds of exploring and rested his weary head.

Tired from the 18 seconds of exploring

Acting like Ponce de Leon is exhausting.

Losing my cool, I pointed my finger and hissed, “Get your ass out of the washer. NOW.”

Which was greeted with the typical ‘go fuck yourself face’ from my gray fur ball.

You can't make me. Staring contest.

You can see how seriously TB takes me.

Being that victory for me was a must, I wicked witchily twisted the knob and water started to trickle in, alleviating my pussy in the washer problem STAT.

Blur of grey.

Blur of gray flashed before my eyes.

And because my little love is such an asshole, he insisted on leaping into the dryer to aid him with his damp paws.

Dry Time.

Demanding dry time.

When I kicked him out, Tedstar decided the next best thing would be to wallow in my clean laundry, making sure he touched every single piece with his wet feet while also distributing 130,837 of gray hair among the items before settling in for a four hour nap.

Washing

Thwarting my folding attempts.

Next time, he’s going in the spin cycle.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

29 thoughts on “How to Keep Your Pussy Clean

  1. If I could click LOVE, I would! It brought back such happy memories of my kitties (now deceased) thwarting all of my attempts to wash, dry, fold clothes OR make the bed. I miss my babies!!!!

  2. Such cute pics, especially the last one. πŸ™‚

  3. Tracy says:

    How funny! Cats love to get in to everything, so curious!!

  4. paws2smile says:

    Hahaha! Loved this πŸ™‚

  5. markbialczak says:

    Ted seems to go through cycles, CBXB.

  6. JMC813 says:

    Ted is a handful isn’t he? He has it all figured out it seems. Washer first, dryer next. Piss off mommy all the while. Then it’s nap time. What a life. And where was NC all this time. Me thinks there mighta been an instigator behind the scenes. LOL Catspiracy theory? Not me…..

  7. FreeUrCloset says:

    I think that high maintenance face could get away with anything πŸ™‚
    My dog has his own bed and he prefers laying around on our fur throw or our piles of clothes too..must be a scent…

  8. I wish Lou would be that cute. He has his moments, that soft fatty that he is,but he left a bird for me this morning. A little yellow one. I dunno. I can’t stop looking at the pic you used on Instagram.

    • Lou most likely is that cute – but you probably haven’t snapped 14,892,345 pics of your cat. Which is why I’m a crazy cat lady and now Ted knows how to work it for the camera. A little yellow bird? Ah…Ted presented a live bird once while I was taking a relaxing bath. I’ve never recovered.

  9. CoCo says:

    omg! What an adorable pain in the ass. Why must the clean laundry always be so comfy??

  10. Mitzie Mee says:

    Hahaha! And perhaps some ironing afterwards? πŸ™‚

  11. VivBlogs says:

    Oh my god. Epic title.

  12. SerachShiro says:

    You washed poor Tedstar in the washer……………how you dare…………….hahahah ! This was so fun and I’ll be sure he will remember ! Cats are so curious of nature and always want to find something new, in this case he wasn’t so lazy πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Lovely photos !

  13. […] Because I couldn’t wait to get gussied up today and prance around in my new boyfriend jeans (and yes, this denim naming nonsense is going straight to the real Ted’s head). […]

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