My Very Own Dick Pic

 

Do not, I REPEAT DO NOT ever send a dick pic. Ever.

Do not, I REPEAT DO NOT ever send a dick pic. Ever.

________________________________________________

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

This not-in-the-slightest fairytale post contains a blurred out dick pic I received as a love note.

________________________________________________

It all started with an innocent girl’s night out. My friends and I rarely get together, as everyone is busy with work, husbands and offspring (I of course, am extremely busy with my two pussies).

Ladies lovin' life!

Lovin’ life with ALee and G.

I’d recently found myself single and when our gaggle of gals ran into a group of Ohio guys at a honky tonk, my bestie G (you know, the one who almost got in a fist fight to defend my honor against an 80-year-old man) chatted up a nice fellow who had recently moved to Music City. At the end of their 82 second conversation, she turned to me giddily exclaimed, “I gave him your number!”

New Cat, New Cat your order is ready.

You bitch!

OK, so maybe I was overreacting a tad. I looked at the dude who was obviously an old frat guy (you know the look “fancy” leather flip flops, khaki shorts, golf shirt tucked in with a belt typically accompanied by swoopy bangs on foreheads – at least in the South anyway – but this guy had a shaved head) I thought it wouldn’t kill me to put my toe back in the dating pond, as dude looked normal.

And being that I’m from Iowa, I assumed we could bond over Big 10 football (even though I loathe THE Ohio State Buckeyes).  So I talked to the guy for about four entire minutes, he asked if I’d like to go to happy hour the following week and I accepted.

And soon after wished I hadn’t.

The following day I received no less than 23 texts and tried to be a good sport before turning into an extremely annoyed lady –

Nice meeting you last night! You too.

What’s for breakfast? I don’t cook.

Send me a pic! You know what I look like, I just met you last night.

What’s your last name? No Googling before our date.

Are you on Facebook? Isn’t everyone?

And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on until I finally said (at 7:30pm) that I was going to bed.

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I reached out to G and my sister who both thought maybe this guy was simply nervous and overly anxious for our date in a few days.

OK, OK maybe I wouldn’t write him off – yet.

But then, I received this the following morning…

Thought you might like this.

Um...creepy?!

Um…creepy?!

I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what the hell to say. Who sends half naked pictures to a chick when she’s already said yes to a date?

My silence seemed to only pique his interests more.

Do you like piercings on guys?

Do you want me to pick you up at 7:30 or 8pm? (we said happy hour you stupid fuck and I might as well put my photo on a milk carton if I give you my address)

Do you have any tattoos I’ll be surprised to find?

And after forwarding everything to my sister and G, I got two similar responses:

CRAIGSLIST KILLER CANCEL DATE IMMEDIATELY

Of course I was already in the process of excusing myself from hanging with this psycho because I was sure to be hog tied and either end up at the bottom of the Cumberland River or in one of his apartment rooms for 3.4 years before eventually gnawing through my own arm to escape.

Either way, no thanks.

Here’s how it went as I tenderly tried to turn him down…

The Break Up

Now I’m sure you’re thinking that I went easy on him as I used the word “reschedule” which I’d soon regret. But I didn’t know how much this D-Bag knew about me, having my phone number, so I went for the easing out of it approach.

Which didn’t seem to work well because this kept happening (I’ve blurred out anything associated with my job)…

photo 2

D-Bag kept sending me pictures of himself sitting at his desk, “funny” memes he’d found online and asking how I was doing. My silence was turning out not to be so golden.

The photo below came the evening that we were supposed to be meeting for drinks and I suppose it was allowing me to see just what I was missing out on.

I must say, a step up from his khaki shorts.

Oh gee, you look like 574,912 men that reside in Nashville.

photo 3

At my usual Friday night happy hour, I was laughing and showing friends what D-Bag had been sending over and over with no response from me and another photo popped up.

photo 4

THOUGHT U MAY LIKE THIS?!?!

He thought I might like this?!

photo 3

My initial reaction:

MY EYES!

MY EYES!

As the entire bar turned to look at our table because yours truly couldn’t stop screaming, “DID HE REALLY JUST SEND THAT? DID HE REALLY JUST SEND THAT? DID HE REALLY JUST SEND THAT??”

I happened to be sitting next to First Mate at the time – much to her arm’s dismay as I almost ripped it off upon seeing the penis of a complete stranger with whom I’d had a four (FOUR!) minute conversation.

Hold me. Hold me with your good arm.

Hold me. Hold me with your good arm.

I’m pretty sure I single-handedly polished off a bottle of Jager before stumbling home to pass out in the comforting paws of Ted.

Down the hatch

Please be a mind eraser. Please.

When someone doesn’t respond to your naked picture you’d think that would be the biggest hint of all time, like a neon sign blinking “STOP TEXTING ME YOU CRAZY ASS CLOWN” but it turns out this douche really wanted to get together.

photo 5

When he didn’t stop, I was going insane trying not to respond. Naturally, I was discussing this with everyone from work friends to girlfriends to my family. We couldn’t decide if going to the police would make him angry (or crazier) and if I responded, it would most likely egg him on.

He didn't stop.

Stop the madness!

I thought of sending a pic of me with runaway bride eyes (remember that Georgia lady and her eyes?!) and one of Camo’s menacing guns, D-Bag might piss himself and leave me alone.

Crazy bitch with a gun.

Crazy bitch with a gun. Look out.

But I refrained. I sat on my hands and D-Bag’s messages kept coming with no replies from this chick.

photo

By this point, he’d been texting to no one for over a month and I was beyond pissed off.

Furious.

You don’t fuck with an Iowa girl.

Don't mess with a girl who's been corn fed.

Nope. Don’t do it.

You don’t fuck with a crazy cat lady.

Image 6

Seriously. Don’t even think about it.

And you most certainly don’t fuck with a picture happy blogger who will be sure everyone knows that you, a gigantic D-Bag, work at the new downtown Nashville Omni hotel where you started as a Project Manager from Ohio but are now permanently residing in Music City.

There also may or may not be flyers up of him in all of his glory at the hotel.

Image 3

Bloggers mean business.

Sorry you if you can’t erase the images above from your mind.

But I just had to share because as D-Bag said…

I thought you might like it.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

 

 

58 thoughts on “My Very Own Dick Pic

  1. LAMarcom says:

    I just cancelled my internet.
    PAC MAN here I come.
    Screw this!
    (Great Post, btw)
    My Gooooogle just informed me that I have gone incog-neat-oh!
    (WTF does that mean?)
    I mean, I hit the wrong key and now I am incog….???
    I hate computers.
    I fucking hate Gooppple.
    Cheers,
    Lance

  2. […] She of course has no problem documenting anti-social behavior so that others may know who they are d… […]

  3. VivBlogs says:

    HOLY SHIT!!! I am so jealous of you! Not that I want to see anyone’s penis, but WOW! WHAT PRICELESS BLOGGING MATERIAL! Girl, that shit is straight out of Viv land. I can’t believe it happened to you and not me!

  4. Shut the FRONT DOOR!!!!! If he wasn’t so pathetic and psycho this would
    Be beyond hilarious! Okay, it’s still hilarious but stay clear away from Omni hotels for a little bit and tell teddy & new cat to keep an eye on the door and keep those bullets in the gun!!!!!!!

    • Bullets in gun – Check.
      Ted and New Cat eyes on front door – Semi check (they get tired and have to take 7 hour long naps, you know?)
      Not visiting the Omni anytime soon – CHECK! CHECK!
      And because he’s pathetic AND a psycho AND delusional it’s funny. But I’m still sleeping with one eye open! XO

  5. mollytopia says:

    Ohdearlord. What a fantastic asshole. Please tell me you really did paper parts of the Omni with his dumb photos. Also, you nailed the post-frat-boy look in the south perfectly – ha!

  6. MrJohnson says:

    At least he’s not fat?

    I agree, he has probably done this in the past. It’s scary but he might have even had some success if he’s done it in the past and continues to do it. But who’s to say this guy is rational. I mean, he already landed a date with you and couldn’t wait to keep his pants on that badly.

    Imagine the woman who marries this guy?
    “He was so sweet. Soon after we met, he sent me a picture of his penis and the rest is history. I still have that picture in my pendant necklace.”

    • LOL! LOL! LOL! A penis pic in a pendant necklace. Priceless. Hell, I might even do that as a conversation starter!

      I’m sure this dude has had dick pic success in his past but man, I just couldn’t believe that there are gals out there who dig this shit. I mean, maybe if he was on date three and they both said they were into sexting but before a first date? Cray cray.

      I can’t believe he’s single….

  7. JMC813 says:

    Okay bad on your friend for givin up yer number in the first place, but mistakes happen and I am sure you have forgiven, but I can’t stop laughing at “Just let me know, don’t wanna bug ya.”

    OMFG is there such a thing as creepy stupid or stupid creepy? Plus, Ohio might have been your first clue. Just sayin. LOL

    Glad you got creative towards the end, and remind me every once in a while never to piss you off. I DO like your style tho CBXB.

    • Well, my gal pal meant NO harm. And in fact, the D-Bag did look harmless (not necessarily my type) but who knew he was bat shit cray cray?

      Ohio SHOULD have most definitely been my first clue! I think stupid creepy D-Bag is how I will refer to him from now on!

      It takes a lot to push me to the point of pissed off but….yeah, I can be a little shit when I’m mad!

  8. Kaufmans Kavalkade says:

    I think you have tonsilitis. You might want to get that checked unless that’s from 3 years ago, Christmas.

  9. Phil Lanoue says:

    Holy shit he sent you a DP!?! With a ‘thought u might like this’ message!
    Did I mention holy shit?! Seriously, where did he figure his day was gonna go from there?!
    Something tells me this is not the first DP this boy has sent.
    And I strongly suspect there is a 15 year old girl out there somewhere that was cruelly subjected to that display. This guy is trouble.

Holla at me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s