How to Look Fairlicious

Being a fashion conscious gal, what to wear to the Iowa State Fair every August is quite a dilemma.

And since fair season is upon us in America (Iowa’s starts today!), I’m assuming you waste brain cells on how to be a fashionably functional fairgoer, too (Right? RIGHT?)

Stuff

Straight out of the pages of Vogue, I know.

Always my own fabulous fair guide, I long to look cute while trekking between the livestock barns.  Prancing around cattle, sheep, horse and swine areas is extremely difficult – especially if you’re trying to avoid manure of any kind.

Tiny.

Tiny. The Grand Champion bull weighing in at 3,012lbs.

Serious.

Sorry if you have a big, sweaty ass but NO BUTT FANS, mmkay?

Skinny swine he's not.

Non-starving swine.

I want to look cute stuffing my face at corn dog stands (and doughnut, giant tenderloin, fried Oreo, cheese curd, funnel cake, fried butter, kettle corn, taffy, fried snickers, gyro and anything you could imagine on a stick stands).

Best breakfast ever.

Best breakfast ever.

Yes.

Hells yes.

Fuck no.

Fuck no.

I long to look adorable for the famous butter cow (don’t stand in the Disney World long line – just whiz up to the center, say excuse me (Iowans are suuuuper nice), snap a pic and get out).

Butter Cow

Yep. It’s really just a life-sized cow sculpted from butter.

I strive to be attractive while standing in line, alone (because no one in my crew will ride with me) to enjoy the double ferris wheel and see a sign that says “NO SINGLE RIDERS.” So it’s imperative I look fab for the third kid in a family, who is also always a single rider.

Sky Wheel

It’s best if you don’t see the dude who constructs this masterpiece before you ride, FYI.

Happy to be a very embarrassed 11-year-olds first date.

Happy to be a very embarrassed 11-year-old’s first date.

As I attend the best state fair America has to offer (in my expert opinion) it’s important that I am not only looking fairlicious, but I must also be able to conceal the unavoidable eight pounds slowly gained in one day (it can seriously happen).

So here’s what to wear to your favorite state fair (but seriously, you should just go to Iowa’s and call it a day).

Rule one: Cute but comfy shoes.

**I WILL NOT WALK WITH YOU IF YOU WEAR CROCS!**

Even feet used to wear and tear will feel the wrath of the standing, eating, walking, eating, running (to get one last corn dog before the stand closes for the night), and eating.  I never do sneakers unless I’m working out, therefore I have found that wedge flip flops work best. They keep your feet breathable in all kinds of weather and add a bit of support for arches.

Look semi-chic while side stepping the pig manure.

Rule two:  Wear a fabulous outfit with an expanding waist band to compensate for the endless overindulging.

**I WILL NOT WALK WITH YOU IF YOU WEAR A MUUMUU!**

I typically wear a dress that will not make me look 12 months pregnant after 12 straight hours of fair food. I find a-line dresses the best for keeping it cool and letting it all hang out (especially for times when you about knock the Iowa State Fair Queen down, due to chasing her through the Art building and then almost making her pass out from your own “I’ve been at the fair for 9 hours” aroma).

State

One authentic state fair queen and one poser.

Or I’ll wear a skirt (I loathe shorts) with a belt, sure to adjust to the eight new inches around my gut by the end of the day.

Grandpa's Belt

Grandpa’s belt comes in handy!

Rule three: Carry a multi-purpose bag.

**I WILL NOT WALK WITH YOU IF YOU WEAR A FANNY PACK!**

I find that a cross-body bag is the most useful because I’m constantly in and out of it for my phone (everyone wants that caloric Facebook update, right?), a drink of water (or Captain),  sunglasses (constantly in and out of buildings) and retrieving Pepto Bismol (every hour on the hour).

BJ Bag

The keeper of all things fair.

Rule four: You must be willing to look like an ass at any/all times.

**I WILL NOT TAKE YOU TO THE FAIR IF YOU REFUSE TO HAVE FUN!!**

Attempt to wear all

Flaunting my newest accessories.

Unabashedly carry every single item you picked up with you

Taking up an entire park bench due to the massive amounts of free shit we had to have and therefore lug around for hours, all the while stuffing our faces in the hopes a blue ribbon gets pinned on us for being the best fairgoers ever.

And that, my friends is how you remain functionally fashionable while being fairlicious.

But just remember…

You are what you eat.

You are what you eat.

Now go and have a corn dog (or four) for me.

CBXB

CBXB!

40 thoughts on “How to Look Fairlicious

  1. OK – you look way too hot in that first pic. Tank top sexiness!

    You also look way hot shoving all that tasty food in your mouth. I am drooling! And Jealous!

  2. Nancy Brown says:

    Ok, I know I state faired with you with my fanny pack!! I think Croc flip flops too! LOL. I always have fun, too with you!

  3. Nancy Brown says:

    Oh, I can’t find my fanny pack. Did you steal it?

  4. Kaufmans Kavalkade says:

    I haven’t seen anything yet that you can’t get in there.

    Oh, I love you also, Don! #Kiss

  5. JMC813 says:

    I would so totally ride the double ferris wheel with you CBXB. And VERY good call about not seeing the dude who constructed it. Or the lucky carny that is operating it either. Male or female it is usually the same Sun leathered face (usually greasy) covered in quickly fading tats that make no sense, and cigarette dangling from mouth. LOL. What a life. Not knocking the carny way, but there just seems to be a stereotype to fill. Oh to have a day at the Iowa fair with the perfect fairgoer. Have many Whatever you can think to throw in a deep frier treats for me my friend.
    OBTW I don’t think it was very nice to call the pretty girl in the blue dress with a ribbon a poser. LOL.

    • LOL! You just skyrocketed in my book for calling out the gal in the blue dress as the poser!!

      The ISF is 10 days every August and I will be happy to be your tour guide one day. Although you’ll want to fast for two or three days prior because when I’m done feeding you for one day, you might think you’re going to spontaneously combust. But until that day, I’ll always be here to give you a virtual tour!

  6. markbialczak says:

    To blend in or stick out? That is the big state fair question, no matter your state. CBXB, I know your answer.

  7. VivBlogs says:

    Why do yo not weigh 400 pounds? I wanna fair with you!

    • I limit myself to one bust gutting fair day per year (anything I want, however many I want all day/night). Of course I sweat my ass off the rest of the year (in between drinking binges and late night eats because of said drinking binges) to get back to my ‘normal’ weight right before the fair comes around again. I have it down to an exact science, obviously.

  8. Robert Szarka says:

    Is this the same fair we all went to way back when ? That was great fun and the biggest fair I have ever seen! That 6 months in Iowa was awesome and your right the people in Iowa were all so nice!

  9. SerachShiro says:

    You always look good but the first picture is gorgeous and I love grandpa’s belt, very fashionable ! the whole fair must have been very fun and I would like to put my mouth into a corn-dog, so fairlicious 🙂 !

  10. authormbeyer says:

    I love the Iowa State Fair! I haven’t been there since the 1980’s. The Texas State Fair, no matter how big it is, is only second best. I suppose that’s because I grew up in Wright County Iowa.

  11. You just set that 11 year old’s bar pretty high. I think you ruined him for all future girls.

  12. Oh, quite the fair it can be said from afar. The New York State Fair is definitely another one for the books. You have until the beginning of September to get up here and see what you’re missing out on.

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