How to Piss With Your Pussy

You know you’re a crazy cat lady when you can’t even take a piss without your fur ball in your face.

Dignity in shreds.

Dignity in shreds.

Whenever I come home, I’m greeted by the fluffy little love of my life, Ted and, ever since January the stray we took in, New Cat (Yep – that’s still his name. And yep – the pharmacist still asks about him when I pick up my own prescriptions).

You're home. Now choose.

Good, your home. Now choose.

While Tedstar is used to being my one and only, I tried to make my welcome home a threesome.

Three is definitely a crowd.

Three is definitely a crowd.

So now I’ve resorted to picking up one pussy at a time. Ted is coddled first while New Cat patiently meows as if his claws were being removed with tweezers, having to watch his bro getting some lovin’ before him.

Baby got back.

Always first runner up.

Racing home one day, fearful I might wet my pants before entering my mini manse, I pranced past my pussies at the front door to alleviate my bladder. This was a jeans-zipper-down-from-the-car-carry-your-purse-into-the-bathroom kind of emergency.

Cat Bathroom

And wouldn’t you know, New Cat seized this opportunity to be the first one to mark his territory while I sat on the toilet.

Finally the first to get love.

Finally! The first to get affection.

Mr. Tuxedo went from mauling my chest to manhandling my face.

Toilet kisses

Toilet kisses are just as romantic as they sound.

Then NC decided to try and slip me tongue. I’m his mother and although we live in the South, not appropriate.

Turned into French kisses

This pussy apparently has an Oedipus Rex complex.

Beyond ridiculousl

Madness. Sheer madness.

I shoved New Cat to the ground as I was trying to finish my business and but this little bitch wasn’t taking no for an answer and jumped up into my lap, quickly pretending to be asleep.

Fucking seriously.

Fucking seriously.

In the 27 seconds in which this shit show took place, I realized the magnitude of crazy I’d just achieved.

I was sitting on a toilet.

With a cat molesting me.

While taking a piss.

And I was taking pictures.

Visualizing my headstone..."Cat lady

Taking cray cray cat lady to new heights.

Realizing the seriousness of the situation Mr. Bear came to my rescue, shooing New New off of my lap and into a corner.

GET OUT!

Get the hell out.

Not wanting the action to stop, New Cat zoned in on Ted to continue the affection fest.

Brotherly loved. Forced.

Forced brotherly love.

It’s a good thing we live in the South.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

47 thoughts on “How to Piss With Your Pussy

  1. Ha, I just love you. Have a wonderful weekend.

  2. Most of the time I stand up while I pee. Don’t ask why, but in those times when I sit on a toilet to pee – and other “situations” – I often have a cat jump on my lap. It’s good up here when it gets super cold in winter.

  3. MrJohnson says:

    Is having your hand on your head your toilet position? Haha

  4. markbialczak says:

    Two pees in a pot. Or something like that. Good golly, Ms. CBXB, ya got no privacy in your privvy. Thank you, Rescue Ted. New Cat unleashing love on him for that is equally hilarious, by the way.

    • New Cat is still on the affection train. He will. not. stop. I think it’s because he was left behind at a dumpster and wants us to know how much he loves being in a home. And we’re happy to have him!

      • markbialczak says:

        I love him from afar, too, CBXB, because I do not have to suffer the bathroom lap moments. He is very cute, Mr. Tuxedo, as is Mr. Tedster, of course.

        You know I have a soft spot for the rescue. The folks at the Humane Society found our beloved Ellie B sitting on the front step when they arrived at work one morning, a puppy left there overnight. At least her first owners were compassionate enough to pick the right place when they decided they couldn’t keep her. I love you for adopting New Cat from the dumpster, too.

      • I knew you’d rescued Ellie B but I never knew she was sitting on the steps of a rescue. Poor thing. But she’s so lucky to have scored a home with you and your dear wife. I have a soft spot for all rescues, as well. I truly believe your pets find you!

      • markbialczak says:

        That is a great way to look at it, CBXB! You and Tuxedo New Cat found each other and your Walgreen’s pharmacist couldn’t be happier! πŸ™‚ Seriously, you are right about pets funding you.

      • The Walgreens pharmacist is now trying to hook me up with his son….oh the wonders of pets finding us!

      • markbialczak says:

        The matchmaking pharmacist. You need your own reality TV show, my friend.

  5. You’ve reached a new low for sure, but I still think you’re tops.

  6. Yes I’m laughing out loud and almost peeing MY pants. I LOVE THIS!!

  7. Lou is not much of a bathroom cat … luckily.

  8. VivBlogs says:

    Kitty double team. That’s my kind of action.

  9. Kaufmans Kavalkade says:

    The thigh shot is ruined by the fact you are on the pot.

    And I’ve seen most of your butt anyway now. πŸ˜‰

    LoL.

  10. LifeOfBun says:

    Hey as long as they don’t get too inspired and it becomes a pee party on your lap, it’s all cool!

  11. CoCo says:

    Omg! This is beyond cat lady epic & had my mother and I dying laughing! Have a great week!

  12. JMC813 says:

    You are just too awesome CBXB. Love the stories from the Cat Lovin south.

  13. SerachShiro says:

    That design picture of the cat coming behind the door, beautiful and what a real emotional little animal is NC (lol) ! For god sake Ted was saving you, great kitten and always so intelligent, give him my hug and natural also to NC πŸ™‚ !

  14. […] left out (and guilty) because I left my two-year-old feline at home (anybody know where I can get a cat papoose?), I scooped up a kid to feel […]

  15. […] door and setting the timer for 30 seconds, I stepped away from the kitchen, distracted by one of New Cat’s many attempts to commit suicide by sitting on the banister of my second balcony […]

  16. […] own personal Dennis the Menace passed away suddenly from a blood clot on his lower spine at the end of last […]

  17. […] You know, the little shit who would never ever even let me take a piss alone. […]

  18. […] CBXB (even though he shared the spotlight with our dearly departed, highly annoying but oh-so-loved New Cat for a bit). With that in mind, it was still end of story when we entered Pet Smart on what just […]

  19. […] I couldn’t even piss without him all up in my […]

  20. […] Teddy Krueger and I not only acquired a new mini manse but also a partner in crime for him – New Cat. The idea of wrapping my arms around two costumed cats didn’t seem like a huge feat until I […]

Holla at me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s