How to Piss With Your Pussy

You know you’re a crazy cat lady when you can’t even take a piss without your fur ball in your face.

Dignity in shreds.

Dignity in shreds.

Whenever I come home, I’m greeted by the fluffy little love of my life, Ted and, ever since January the stray we took in, New Cat (Yep – that’s still his name. And yep – the pharmacist still asks about him when I pick up my own prescriptions).

You're home. Now choose.

Good, your home. Now choose.

While Tedstar is used to being my one and only, I tried to make my welcome home a threesome.

Three is definitely a crowd.

Three is definitely a crowd.

So now I’ve resorted to picking up one pussy at a time. Ted is coddled first while New Cat patiently meows as if his claws were being removed with tweezers, having to watch his bro getting some lovin’ before him.

Baby got back.

Always first runner up.

Racing home one day, fearful I might wet my pants before entering my mini manse, I pranced past my pussies at the front door to alleviate my bladder. This was a jeans-zipper-down-from-the-car-carry-your-purse-into-the-bathroom kind of emergency.

Cat Bathroom

And wouldn’t you know, New Cat seized this opportunity to be the first one to mark his territory while I sat on the toilet.

Finally the first to get love.

Finally! The first to get affection.

Mr. Tuxedo went from mauling my chest to manhandling my face.

Toilet kisses

Toilet kisses are just as romantic as they sound.

Then NC decided to try and slip me tongue. I’m his mother and although we live in the South, not appropriate.

Turned into French kisses

This pussy apparently has an Oedipus Rex complex.

Beyond ridiculousl

Madness. Sheer madness.

I shoved New Cat to the ground as I was trying to finish my business and but this little bitch wasn’t taking no for an answer and jumped up into my lap, quickly pretending to be asleep.

Fucking seriously.

Fucking seriously.

In the 27 seconds in which this shit show took place, I realized the magnitude of crazy I’d just achieved.

I was sitting on a toilet.

With a cat molesting me.

While taking a piss.

And I was taking pictures.

Visualizing my headstone..."Cat lady

Taking cray cray cat lady to new heights.

Realizing the seriousness of the situation Mr. Bear came to my rescue, shooing New New off of my lap and into a corner.

GET OUT!

Get the hell out.

Not wanting the action to stop, New Cat zoned in on Ted to continue the affection fest.

Brotherly loved. Forced.

Forced brotherly love.

It’s a good thing we live in the South.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

48 thoughts on “How to Piss With Your Pussy

  1. […] We’d taken in a sidekick, a cat I found at the dumpster (now that I think about it, I find a lot of fucking things at my dumpster…) and refused to give a name because I didn’t want to keep him even though we all know what happened. He stayed. And kept the name New Cat. […]

  2. […] Teddy Krueger and I not only acquired a new mini manse but also a partner in crime for him – New Cat. The idea of wrapping my arms around two costumed cats didn’t seem like a huge feat until I […]

  3. […] I couldn’t even piss without him all up in my […]

  4. […] CBXB (even though he shared the spotlight with our dearly departed, highly annoying but oh-so-loved New Cat for a bit). With that in mind, it was still end of story when we entered Pet Smart on what just […]

  5. […] You know, the little shit who would never ever even let me take a piss alone. […]

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