You know those weeks that seem to feel like an entire year has gone by within the past seven days? Well, I had one and could hardly wait to high tail it to my fave Nashville watering hole, Dalts to get five a few Skinny Pirates on Friday.
Returning to my mini manse, I opened the mailbox to see a card from my gal pal that included a rebate for Captain Morgan. If you happened to witness my reaction when opening the card, you’d have thought I’d just won $10,000 in cold hard cash ($4 off liquor can sometimes feel like a jackpot, OK? Don’t judge).
My twin hellions in Iowa were busy terrorizing their neighborhood on Saturday morning.
Once the trike terrorizing was complete, Prince B stopped to give his best J. Crew imitation.
And Princess B further demonstrated her future as a cray cray cat lady by selecting the most beautiful bike helmet of all time.
Since my Iowa Hawkeyes were on a bye week, the Tennessee Titans suck shit and it was 75 degrees outside, I had some time on my hands to run around the park.
There I was minding my own business, jogging slower than most fast walkers and jamming out to my playlist when all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a figure running full speed ahead at me, while screaming in Spanish (I unfortunately went with French class in high school).
In .02 seconds, my life flashed before my eyes (as I was sure this dude was going to usher me onto an episode of Forensic Files which then lead me to be thankful I keep my fingernails so long, as I could capture DNA evidence – just the kind of thing you’d think about before possibly perishing, right?) and before I knew it, my feet were over my head.
Processing the prior few moments (which is hard for me anyhow, being blonde and all) took longer than usual due to the stars spinning around my head. As I was turning around to punch the incomprehensible man still screaming at me in Spanish in the face, I was able to decipher the words “snake” and “rattle”.
Turns out my Knight in Spanish Speaking Shining Armour saved my ankle from being bitten by a rattlesnake that I was about to step on because it was lurking in the leaves on the asphalt trail. I went from wanting to accost him to wanting to marry him.
With my heart securely sitting in my throat, I went home to take a long, hot shower and calm the fuck down. Due to the fact that I am totally blind without aid, I took a shower with a hairy little beast that I didn’t notice until I put my glasses on afterward.
Feeling like Halloween was playing a gigantic prank on me with the reptile and arachnid run-ins, I repeatedly enjoyed glasses of vodka for the remainder of the day (the night and into the wee hours of the next morning, as I couldn’t go to bed thinking about snakes and spiders now could I?).

A Skinny Skull cocktail for scary Sundays.
My own personal heart attack prevention team made sure I was soothed the rest of the weekend much to my appreciation.
Here’s hoping you don’t have any heart stopping moments this Halloween week.
Eek!
CBXB
Ooh my ………….what a hell of a weekend ! The begin was great with opening in flourish with a Skinny Pirate but during your walk ………………….!!! I’m so relieved that the rattle couldn’t bit you and you was helped by ( I’m sure that it had to be) your guardian-angel !! I hope yo haven’t suffer any trauma with snakes and you feel Ok π !
I’m all good! That man was most definitely my guardian angel! I must say, I haven’t been back to the park to run yet…too scared!
I sure can imagine, do pay attention or maybe it’s better to choose another place ! π
Egads! That’s enough adrenaline for one weekend, fo’ sho’.
Still on the rattlesnake “high”….but at least it’s Halloween, so that’s better. Hope you have a fabulous night with your family!
No good spiders…… and Good thing sir espanol was there to see to it that nobody got fanged or trampled. Well I guess the snake didn’t get trampled but you kinda did huh? At least you didn’t have to mix your vodka with rattlesnake anti-venom in your veins. LOL Have a great week and a Stellar Halloween.
The only slightly cool thing about almost being bitten by a rattler, is that it’s Halloween week and would have made for a cool story. Unless I died, of course. And then I’d have to worry that no one would find me for weeks and my cats would get hungry and…My imagination runs wild. Vodka is STILL helping with my nerves! π
Nothing even slightly cool about a rattler bite. Glad you came out unbitten. Don’t scare yourself with the wild imagination. Save the imagination for all the cool CBXB stuff you make us all laugh with. Now go rock the hell out of Halloween this week my friend!!!! That’s an order.
Oh sah-nap. I am on rocking the hell outta Halloween. Doing it like it’s my job, naturally.
I HATE snakes and almost stepped on a Copperhead right outside my utility room door. I typically look down when walking around here cuz you never know what could be slithering around!
My eyes will forever be glued to the ground when I’m out and about…which means I’ll probably run into a tree but I still won’t have a snake bite!
Sorry, but I’m laughing. Seriously there could only be one thing worse than this experience and that would be running out of “Skinnies”.
Oh please laugh it up! And running out of “Skinnies” would be my worst nightmare ever. THE HORROR!
It’s clear to me you need the ghostbusters for that spider.
Oh, ABSOLUTELY!
I hear ya, I almost stepped on a rattler once and you brought that terror right back to me, now I need a drink lol. The spider in the shower? I’m blind too, but I ALWAYS check before I step in, THEN I take my glasses off. Good tip for you!
Thank you for the tip, as I may shower with my glasses on forever! And that rattler still has me wound up. But the drinking does help, so pour yourself another! XO
Girl, doesn’t drinking ALWAYS help EVERYTHING?
PREACH.
If I’m drinking, I’m preaching. LOL. I need a drink. Sitting in the airport again, this time waiting to fly home after cooking and cleaning my little heart out.
I hope you made it home in time for some Halloween fun!
read my post today, I’m a Halloween hater.
WOWZER! You better have a little chat with the Buckeye leaders to limit future bye weekends – a girl could get hurt/poisoned/spider-mauled without her football to keep her safe, cocktailed and happy!
Very glad all the creepy things missed!!!
I mean seriously! How dare they not have a football game, having me risk my life in doing so?! I will take it up with the athletic department immediately!
The Spider and snake will be a distant memory come Friday when you are covered in puncture wounds and scratches. Better stock up on Neosporin.
You got that right my friend! I have my Advil, Neosporin and Skinny Pirate ingredients on hand all week.
Eek indeed! I’m glad New Zealand doesn’t have any snakes!
My heart hasn’t quite reduced back to its normal speed yet! Maybe I should consider a move to New Zealand…?!
Well, we can offer a range of rums, including some of the Captain’s finest. π
Woohoo! You had me at rum…