How to Thwart a Mugger

Stilettos, studs and screams

Stilettos, studs and screams make muggers scram.

This past weekend I was at a holiday work party spreading sparkly merriment on Music Row (you know, where all of the music-y magic happens) in Nashville.

Party

Party cuddles.

Many of the businesses on Music Row are located in houses from yesteryear, which makes for some way cool atmosphere. In lieu of grassy backyards, black asphalt is laid for private parking lots.  And most folks who use these houses for business always enter through the back door, which is what all of the party goers did this particular evening.

After some manhandling and a few festive cocktails, I decided to continue my celebrating elsewhere and said my goodbyes before heading out to my car that was parked among the throngs of other carriages under bright street lamps.

Manhandled enough

What party would be complete without a grope?

It was fairly early (9:30pm) and the parking lot was well-lit, private and full of guest cars and catering trucks, I had zero qualms about walking the ten yards to my vehicle.  Because my typical key chain resembles that of a stadium janitor and I was flaunting my uber k-ute clutch, I only carried my car key that evening.

Instead of the usual

Yes, I do need the compass because I often don’t know my ass from my elbow.

Have studded purse. Will beat your ass with it.

For all things fabulous, such as this clutch, I downsize.

Key me

A key fit for small spaces.

Prancing to my SUV, I noticed that I had left my parking lights on and as I was unlocking the driver’s side door I muttered, “fuck me in the goat ass,” (assuming I was going to need a jump).

No sooner than I ended my statement I heard a deep voice say, “I’ll fuck you in the ass,” (which is probably the most appropriate pick up line ever, yes?).

As I whipped around to lay into what I thought was a drunk dude who’d just been at the same party as myself, I came nose to nose with a seedy looking stranger, adorned in a dark hoodie, one hand in his pocket, the other shoving what I assumed to be a gun into my belly.  If I paused a moment to take a deep breath and process what was actually happening, I could even have told you what he had for lunch, he was that close to my face.

“I’m gonna rob you,” he hissed pressing further into the depths of my belly.

The fuck you are I thought.

My immediate reaction was not to cry for help or shout for anyone to call 911. Instead I started screeching at the top of my lungs (which hold copious amounts of air resulting in the loudest screaming voice in the history of mankind) and repeated variations of “oh my god” over and over and over again for what seemed to be an hour (which was probably more like 45 seconds).

OHMYGOD! ohmygod! OHmyGOD! ohmygod! OMG! OH!MY!GAWD!

OHMYGOD! ohmygod! OHmyfuckingGOD! ohmygod! OMG! OH!MY!GAWD!

Backed up against my open driver’s side door, thoughts flooded my brain faster than Ted sprints to his food bowl every morning.

I realized in .00001 second (while still wailing “oh my gods”) that I was going to fight this sonofabitch and under no circumstances was this ass clown going to maul me, steal my piece of shit SUV or my fabulously studded bag that housed gallons of lip gloss.

The Mighty

Have studs, will beat you.

Luckily my purse was cradled in my dominant hand and in a panic, I hauled off and hit the motherfucker upside the head with it (still shrieking “oh my god” of course – and hoping none of the studs fell off. Priorities). Not missing a beat (and having no idea from where my survival instincts emerged) I stomped as hard as I could with the heel of my boot on the top of his foot (I would have squawked hiiiieeee-ya but I was too busy still wailing “oh my gods”).

Hiiiieeee-ya! Heeled him.

Heeled him.

And just like that, the would be mugger took off in an Olympic paced sprint down the driveway to the street, probably realizing I was waaaaaay too high maintenance (i.e. loud, obnoxious) of a lady to mug.  Watching his exit, I stood shocked (didthisjustreallyhappentome?) still hollering “oh my gods,” and then I got the fuck outta that parking lot.

After filling in the police (dude of same description successfully mugged a chick just before making an attempt at yours truly) and making other party goers aware of the situation, I settled down with ten a few shots of ice cold whatever the hell liquor was around.

Ten for me please.

Self medication for attempted muggings.

While my heartbeat has returned to normal days later, I realize how lucky I am nothing more serious happened to me in that parking lot.

I’m lucky I was gifted lungs that could house an ocean full of water.

I’m lucky to have learned the lesson that no matter how nice the neighborhood, no matter how close you park to the door, no matter how well-lit the parking lot, no matter if you’re aware of surroundings, don’t walk alone when it isn’t necessary.

Stilettos, studs and screams

Stop. Or I’ll stiletto you.

I’m lucky as fuck I accessorized right that night.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

51 thoughts on “How to Thwart a Mugger

  1. Holy Hell Megan, WELL DONE! With a clutch like a brass knuckle and a stilletto like a an ice pick you are the Ninjette of Nashville! By the way, we heard the scream clear out at my house, just so you know. I’m glad you’re okay.

  2. gracious1984 says:

    What were you near? A girl I know just had this happen to her right across from Red Door! You brave soul, you. Glad you are okay!

  3. Todd Austin says:

    SO glad you are all right, and a superhero in disguise.

  4. John says:

    Holy smokes, Sooooo glad you are OK, M! What a piece of shit people can be! You kick ass, lady…. 👍👌✌👏

  5. JMC813 says:

    You are lucky as fuck CBXB, this is true. But I always knew you were a COMPLETE BADASS!! Now there can be absolutely NO DOUBT. That is just WAY too Rock n Roll for Nashville Jazz Hands. The only thing missing was a swift kick straight in his goat balls. But that woulda kept the douche barrel around longer. So proud of you, and Uber glad you are okay!!!

    XO

    • OMFG. The only way this could have been a more CBXB style ass kickin’ is if I was screaming “oh my gods” over and over again accompanied by jazz hands. How did I miss my opportunity?!? And yes, I am lucky as FUCK!

      • JMC813 says:

        The studded clutch and perhaps a leather studded Mace Case?!? You can use the Mace and then proceed to beat him about the head and neck with it until the police arrive. A teddy pouch in your purse is a good idea too. He seems to have that body guard/bouncer facial expression down already. “Okay Who needs an ass kickin?!?” LOL Be safe and keep kickin ass friend.

      • I’m going to DIY a leather studded mace case!!! You’re full of ideas for me!

  6. markbialczak says:

    Way to beat the bad breath out of goatboy mugger, CBXB! I’m so glad he did not hurt one hair on your head or there would have to be a vigilante WordPress posse meeting to crack his peabrain!

    Seriously, you won this time. maybe get some pepper spray or something to carry in that stud clutch? Or don’t walk outside by yourself in that lot anymore, like you said, ever!

    I can only imagine what former football star papa CBXB will do if he ever finds this guy.

    • You bet your ass I’m carrying some pepper spray, mace and hell, I might just throw Ted in my purse next time because his claws are as sharp as knives.

      Papa CBXB wasn’t too thrilled to hear of the circumstance but happy with the way things ended. Me too!

  7. Nancy says:

    OMG, Megan! I am so glad you were blessed with those set of pipes! Could hear you beller two rooms away as a newborn! Bet, he had to change his underwear. I would have been speechless. Thankful you know how to dress appropriately. You will have to teach this newly single gal how to dress to defend herself. Take better care of my niece!

  8. Jenni says:

    Holy SHIT. That is terrifying and horrifying and amazing at the same time. I am so sorry that happened to you, and SO glad your superpowers thwarted that nasty assailant.

  9. I’m just grateful you’re okay just be careful and hope your company steps up its security

  10. Joyce Metz says:

    Megan, Thank goodness you had your head on straight~ full of power, backbone, nerve, thoghness, and brute force….but, this story scares me to death, BE CAREFUL you little Beauty….No more trips to your car alone in the dark! ….can’t tell you how grateful I feel that you did exactly what you needed to do to get out of that awful situation…Love you to pieces..

    • Thanks Joycie! I always wondered what I’d do in a scary situation and now I know. Although it could have turned out differently, I am definitely not walking alone in the dark – no matter how well lit the damn parking lot may be! Love you. XOXO

  11. SwittersB says:

    Awesome Instincts you bad ass….yes, escort at a minimum.

    • I’m thinking of hiring an intern to wear a ‘Security’ shirt to walk me to and from my vehicle from now on! Seriously though, everyone has been extremely helpful and nice – walking me to my car after work every night. I know I’m lucky to have folks that care for me! 🙂

  12. SerachShiro says:

    Ooh my god …………ooh my god that this had to happen to you ! I’m so happy and relieved that nothing happens-to you and what a terror that son of a bitch !! you was great and when it comes to super powers we all have some secrets-ones we didn’t knew to have 🙂 🙂 ! Hope you feel better now ! ?

  13. If anyone could beat up a thug, I would always put my money on you. I’m glad you are ok. I always feel safer in Nashville than I do at home, but I do keep reading about increased problems downtown. I hope they catch who did it, for the peace of mind and safety of others, too. And his sake, if your daddy ever gets hold of him. I want to get a few rabbit punches in, too.

    • I’ll have Dada CBXB hold him down for you, too! I want to use my stiletto a few more times on his foot, that’s for sure! I’ve always felt super safe in Nashville, especially in the Music Row area, so it was especially shocking to me that it happened there – and in a full parking lot with a party a few yards away. But my lesson has been learned!!

  14. OMG, I’m SO glad you’re OK! You poor thing! Thank the sparklegods you have a mouth on you and wear heels as sharp as a dagger. I hope they catch that SOB. sorry I had to laugh at the way he responded when you muttered “fuck me in the goat ass” but it’s only cos my new “thang” is to yell “goat fucker” at people who are assholes. hee hee. Take care!!!!!!!

  15. kellisamson says:

    Ohmygawd! This gave me goosebumps. I am so glad you have cat-like reflexes and quick instincts. So many people would just turn into a crying mess – but not you! That guy picked the wrong broad. I hope you broke his foot. So glad you’re okay. xoxoxoxo

  16. Phil Lanoue says:

    Ho-Lee-Shit!! Wow! Good on you for not being a victim of this shit bag but again… wow!

  17. Well it sounds like he really met his match that night. I hope your lethal heel made a huge hole in his foot, and that your foghorn voice has deafened him for life. So glad your survival instinct kicked in. 🙂

  18. Sinead says:

    Oh my God, such a terrifying experience 😦 Glad you’re ok though!

  19. Courtney says:

    Omg that is insane! Thank goodness everything turned out okay! And thank god for those beautiful booties and clutch! 🙂

  20. […] I share these videos and emotions to show the vulnerable side and the aftermath years after incidents take place on survivors. I want to share how I truly feel. How it feels for people – women especially – to over prove, over think, over compensate themselves in every.single.situation. To think about what you have to wear before going to jog – can you insert both headphones or leave one out? My key goes in between my fingers as a weapon. To have your mom remind you to wear a hat while driving at night alone, so you look more like a dude. To be careful about walking alone to your car, cause you never know when someone may try to mug you. […]

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