Parental Pussy FAIL

Turns out not only can I not take photos with my pussies, I’m the world’s worst cat mom when it comes to snow days.

Photography fail. Feline photo fail

Feline photo fail 8,054,278.

Nashville has recently been pummeled with winter weather outside of the norm. And that’s meant staying in, hunkering down and working in my finest pjs.

Snow day office attire.

Snow day office attire.

Days home due to snow also require a trip to the grocery whenever a winter advisory is in place and Nashvillians feel the need to stock up on any and everything under the sun. Especially milk and bread.

Save yourself.

Save yourself. The lines were about 16 deep at each checkout.

So instead of getting snow day food essentials, I filled my car with the more important necessities when stuck at home.

Most important stocking up of all.

Priorities.

Upon waking up and realizing I needed to put a layer of carbs in my belly before commencing on the day drinking ahead of me, I found an old box of pancake mix and blueberries in the fridge that didn’t yet have mold growing on them.

Homemade breakfast.

Yes, I can cook. Don’t go dying of shock.

After stuffing my face (because I’m like any good selfless mom, I fed me first) with what felt like eight pounds of pancakes, I realized my little fur balls needed some meat for their bones too.

Cats need food too...

Awe, little prince was rationing his food.

But then, this happened when I went to the cat pantry….

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Upon hearing the cling of the metal food pan ringing a little too loudly due to the lack of food inside, Ted had some choice looks for me.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE OUT OF FOOD?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’RE OUT OF FOOD?!

Mr. Bear looked in the cupboards with no luck.

Cupboards were empty

Nothing but crumbs.

New Cat checked under the kitchen rug to no avail.

None under here. Rug rate.

My mom hates me.

When I tried calming them down, saying I had tuna (that may or may not have expired in 2010) somewhere in a drawer I returned from my search to this on my computer.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Feeling slightly guilty that I had my booze and batter on hand, I thought I would be a super mom and brave the icy streets of Nashville to get these little assholes their fancy $60 cat food (Ted has kitty Celiac’s Disease and New Cat just lucks out – the little bastard).

I then realized that the only tools I had to fight the ice was my Captain and a spatula.

An Iowa girl minus a scraper.

What kind of Iowa girl am I without an ice scraper?!? Yet another fail from yours truly. Sorry Iowa.

Turns out the cooking utensil was no match for the ice that had frozen every opening of my vehicle shut.

Getting nowhere fast.

Getting nowhere fast.

One quarter of the way through after 55 minutes.

One quarter of the way through after 48 minutes.

Realizing that my efforts were going to go down in flames, I trudged back inside to tell my pussies the bad news.Β  Teddy took it about as well as when he jumped in a bush like Garfield.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CSN'T GET OUT?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T GET OUT?!

New Cat in all of his dramatic glory, fainted.

Ohmygod! Ohmygod. Ohmygaaaaaaawd.

OMG. Ohmygod! Ohmygod. Ohmygaaaaaaawd.

Luckily for me, my buddy Camo texted that he’d be up my way in his heavy duty truck and asked if I needed anything. And boy, was he sorry (no good deed goes unpunished) when I told him I needed the fancy prescription cat food for His Royal Highness and Mr. Annoying.

He nicely agreed to pick it up, so I called the pet store to see if I could pay over the phone. While the business transaction was a success, the store was closing in 15 minutes due to the inclement weather. At this point, I just felt like I should end it all and let the cats eat my face in lieu of their precious fucking food.

But lo and behold Camo whisked in with a bag just in the nick of time (I’d chosen to put my head in the oven due to warmth).

Snow Hero to the rescue!

Camo needs a cape.

New Cat was so happy to see this sight that he started to make out with the bag of food.

Love

Hugging on the fine delicatessen.

Kissing on the food.

Kissing, er…biting on the bag.

Escorting the damn food to its new home.

Escorting the damn food to its new home.

And diving right in on the fresh duck and pea food.

And diving right in on the fresh duck and pea concoction.

Naturally my first born was nothing but pissed off, yet still found a way to eat anyhow.

I hate your guts but my fancy food is delish.

I hate your guts but my fancy food is delish.

We’ve since all made up.

Back to being mauled. Just as it should be.

Back to being mauled. Just as it should be.

Lesson learned folks. My checklist for the next winter weather advisory:

  1. Cat food
  2. Captain
  3. Cat food
  4. Wine
  5. Cat food

Can someone please remind me of this list? It’s hard being blonde.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

 

 

29 thoughts on “Parental Pussy FAIL

  1. Gary Lum says:

    Haha, I do like the snow office attire πŸ˜€

  2. Kavalkade says:

    Teddy THOUGHT we had these issues with food and affection and “Teddy Owns You” ironed out a week ago…

    This is untenable!

  3. I’m reading this while I’m stuck in my car in the garage with the front end up on jacks so tugboat man can fix my brakes and I’m helping him bleed them (don’t ask, I just do as I’m told) and I’m laughing OUT LOUD and now I have to read him your post out loud. This was too funny. Take care, my boozy friend!

  4. Tracy says:

    This was so funny! Luckily, we haven’t had the snow like you guys had, only icky rain and really cold weather (and some icy roads in the early mornings). Gotta have the important staples around – booze and animal food!

  5. 1reddiva83 says:

    your cats are funny. how old are they? How do you prefer Iams to other cat food?

    • My cats are around two (the tuxedo) and eight (gray). It’s hard to be sure of exact age, since they’re both rescues. I would prefer almost any other cat food to the one I have to purchase for Teddy’s allergies (it’s $60). I used to feed him Iams or Science Diet before I knew he had allergies…now, it’s prescription only!

      • 1reddiva83 says:

        Wow $60 bucks. I took him of the hills and science diet but I was thinking about iams because of less meal byproduct

      • Yeah, $60 is hard to swallow every month (for me!) but it’s what Ted has to have and since he’s my baby and I’m a crazy cat lady…you know he gets it! I’m all for less meal byproduct, too. I didn’t realize IAMS had less than Science Diet.

      • 1reddiva83 says:

        I have being thinking about Iams. Thanks for confirming where my heart was going. I am going to look the difference between purina and iams. I am a crazy cat lady too and Ajax is my baby , he eats out ceramic ramkins.

      • Of course Ajax eats out of ceramic ramkins! Teddy eats/drinks out of martini glasses, naturally. I love that we’re crazy cat ladies together!

  6. VivBlogs says:

    Kinda laughing at your idea of snow, says the girl from the frigid Colorado climes. Pro-tip, turn the car on and get it defrosting while you scrape, it works miracles. And don’t think I missed New Cat all over your face. Why won’t my cats get all over my face?

    • Well, I have a better idea of snow, being from Iowa originally, BUT this is Nashville’s idea of snow, so I jumped on the band wagon. Yeehaw! I couldn’t get my car doors open to turn on the defrost. Fucking winter. And I think about you every time I post a pic of New Cat all up in my grill. Thing is, he’s a slut and would do it to you too! Come visit!

      • VivBlogs says:

        I will totally visit you if I’m ever in the area. Good lord, the trouble we could cause. Better watch out, though. I might smuggle NC out in my luggage if he is as slutty as he looks.

      • You MUST visit if you are ever in the area and the trouble that would ensue would be far worth the consequences we’d probably face. And if you’re not careful, I might shove NC in your luggage. Careful what you wish for…

  7. Phil Lanoue says:

    That looks a lot like my grocery list except add beer and bourbon to cat food.
    The cat’s job is not to be concerned with how the food gets there, only that bowls get filled. All that other stuff is irrelevant.

  8. markbialczak says:

    Saved by the Camo. Those were some angry felines, CBXB. Your photos are precious. Quite the snow day adventure, my friend. If you didn’t get that special food, it would be Duck indeed from Ted and NC.

  9. SerachShiro says:

    And then you realized that without any food for your wonderful fur-balls you’re out like being in the desert with any water left ! I’m so happy for you that everything went for the best and that picture where you had a cheek to cheek conversation With Tedstair where he heard that you were without any food ……..so incredible funny πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ !

  10. JMC813 says:

    Too Damn Hilarious as usual CBXB. Next time….Don’t forget the Cat Food…….(childhood cartoon fave line. Except it was Gravy not cat food. LOL.) Fucking with an angry Pair of Cat’s CHUCKWAGON IS no joke!!!

  11. kellisamson says:

    I love how Camo’s always got your back!

  12. […] Oh, and those 3am wake up cries? Seems the cats were needing food, as I was forgetting to feed them before bed (guess this would be why I don’t have kids). […]

Holla at me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s