How to Be a Four Eyed Drunk Girl

One of my many blessings in life is my eyesight from hell.

Without aid from the wonders of optometry, I can’t operate a vehicle, I can’t see the alarm clock from my bed and I can’t find a contact lens when I’m drunk.

Hello Gorgeous

Hello Gorgeous.

Since gracing earth with my presence I’ve worn glasses and adapted to doing all kinds of activities in the lovely plastic specs that took up half of my facial circumference daily.

Dancing in tap class? No problemo.

Tapped my

Four-eyed Ginger Rogers at her finest.

Eating birthday cake in gigantic red goggles? Got it.

Cake

I wish I may, I wish I might have glasses that cure my poor eyesight.

Playing catcher for a girl’s softball team? Easy peasy.

Putting a catcher’s mask over my subtle, cherry red eyewear was about as much fun as you can imagine. Especially when I’d dramatically rip off my  mask (and also accidentally tear my glasses off in the process) in an attempt to catch a foul ball behind home base, which never happened as I couldn’t see shit without those Coke bottle sized lenses in front of my eyes.

Catch this.

I got it! I got it! I got it! Wait, I can’t see it….and now I have dirt in my eyes. Help.

When I was presented with the opportunity to swap my daily face accessory with contact lenses, I jumped at the chance. Surely, by getting contacts I would magically turn into a gorgeous mini version of Cindy Crawford, Heidi Klum or Gisele Bundchen.

The transformation was amazing…

That's it!

From totally geek….

Yeah...didn't make that much difference.

…to totally geek.

But that didn’t thwart my attempts to be a Midwestern model.

Eat your heart out Gisele.

Eat your heart out Gisele.

While forcing plastic lenses (gas permeable, mind you) into my eyes as a kid surprisingly didn’t turn me into a supermodel, they did help the moderate to high astigmatism that plagued my eyeballs.  Having contacts also taught me the importance of routine, as I had to clean the teeny tiny lenses morning and night which years later is as much a part of my daily activities as sipping a Skinny Pirate.

Speaking of routines and alcohol, I never ever go to sleep without taking my hard contacts out. So even when I’ve had five two cocktails too many, my body goes through the motions of removing my seeing aides.

One recent evening after happy hour, I popped my left lens out and instead of having it fall into my palm as usual, it suddenly disappeared.

Into thin air.

Scene of contact crime

Anybody see it?

Thing is, hard contacts are about half the size of your pinky nail. And my contacts are clear.  Upon realizing my mistake, I immediately became a statue, trying to not move a muscle while reaching for my trusty old spectacles.

Then I started to slowly gaze over the mounds of beauty products in an open drawer next to my contact case.

No luck.

Then I lightly combed the vanity with my fingers hoping to recover the hard piece of plastic.

No luck.

Ugh

Yeah, it takes this many pieces to put my puzzle together.

Then with a slight pit in my stomach, I looked toward the floor covered in khaki carpet.

No luck.

Little. Clear. Carpet

Anyone see it?

Slightly drunk, kinda blind and after crawling on my hands and knees for half of the evening, I threw in the towel on trying to locate the little bastard.

Classless and contactless.

Swapping gas perms for goggles.

The next morning, I was getting ready to hop in the shower and went to grab my towel that hangs on the door directly behind the sink where my contact went missing.

Shower time.

A witness to the great contact caper.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear?

Grab'n'go.

My mother fucking contact.

There was a miracle that morning, folks. My thumb slightly brushed up against the piece of modern medicine that makes my eyes happy on the pink terry cloth.

So how did my contact end up on a towel that was behind my head when I popped it out of my eye?  It will forever be a mystery to this slightly drunk and kinda blind gal.

I’m just happy I don’t currently have four eyes.

CBXB

CBXB!

31 thoughts on “How to Be a Four Eyed Drunk Girl

  1. ha! I had to stop wearing contacts this summer after my RX changed and even though I really miss them, I don’t miss the times when one would mysteriously disappear…your childhood pics are adorable 🙂

  2. Tracy says:

    I know your pain. Started wearing glasses when I was 7, got contacts (gas permeable) at 17 and then 30 years later I had the Lasix done. Best thing I ever did. Decided if my eyes get to the point I need corrective wear, I will wear glasses again, no more contacts and all the solution you have to buy!

    • Oh really?! You did Lasik? I’m so glad to hear it worked and that you love it because I’ve been wanting to look into it. Just been a chicken! And I hear you on the solution to buy – my eyes are getting so dry from wearing gas perms so long I have solution at work, in my purse, at friend’s houses, etc…’just in case’.

  3. Phew……..that must have been such a relief. I now have permanent contact implants, since I couldn’t wear my soft contacts any more due to having dry eyes. It seems like a miracle to be able to see clearly without all the kerfuffle of trying to get my lenses in and out every day. 🙂

  4. PS: Love your four-eyed kiddie pics. So cute!

  5. totally get this; wore gas perms most of my life lol til i switched last year to soft, still have to take them out every night and wear glasses or be blind as a BAT. I’ve found lost contacts in the strangest places and like you wonder how the hell they got there LOL.

    • How did the switch from hard to soft go? I tried it a few years ago and the soft contacts were beyond comfy but I didn’t have 20/20 with them. Four eyes forever sista!

      • I was assured that they have brand new ones that can work with almost any level of astigmatism; mine isn’t too bad, but I do have some, and I see really good, but the best part of it all is that I can wear my contacts all day and NEVER have to take them out and clean them or use lubricating drops and I never get dust or dirt in them – you know what feels like a knife in your eye lol. See what you think about these, I get them at Walmart hahaha true! ACUVUE OASYS for ASTIGMATISM contact lenses.

  6. sooo..uhh..true story..i..uhhh..was partying,,in a friends pool..uhhh..nekid..and i..somehow..uhh..lost a contact..ok..i know you dont get that a cat is wearing contacts..but anyway..i lost one in the pool..dont ask how..its personal..anyway..true story..i went back the next day..with a raging hang over..from drinking southern comfort and mad dog 20 20..dont ever do that..anyway..i found the contact in the filter.. popped it in and wore it for another 2 years..welcome to the club..sunshine.

  7. vudragovich says:

    1st As an optician who taught lovely ladies (like you) to stick their fingers in their eyeballs, I am impressed you found that!
    2nd I think I used to sell those red frames!
    3rd I got lasik a few years back and I STILL appreciate not wearing glasses (particularly when it rains)
    4th it is scientifically impossible to describe the physics of contact lenses without including worm holes and time travel! (Think Steven Hawkins intelligence level and it would still take him 2 days)
    5th…no pictures of Mr Ted?!?! Dont let him know you posted without including him! give him extra ear rubs to distract him 😉

    • Well, Mr. Ted was being restrained from coming into the area where the contact was missing because I thought he’d find it, get it stuck to his fur and would then accidentally lick it off. Worm holes and time travel ARE required when talking about contact lenses – so true! I’m sure you sold those red frames because everyone I knew had a pair! 🙂

  8. Phil Lanoue says:

    I have perfect eyesight and I’m never drunk so events such as you describe have not happened to me in my lifetime ever.
    You believe me right?

  9. JMC813 says:

    Lucky most of my life so far to have had good vision which is now starting to go shit sideways and I can swear I hear my eyes mocking me as I reach for my readers or when I am just plain straining to see something printed in a ridiculous conspiracy to make fun of the eyeball impaired. Cant wait for my ears to catch up to the bus and hop on board. All the loud music and its a surprise they weren’t the first to go. At least if they did I couldn’t hear my eyes talking about me !!!! LOL

    • You know, your hearing probably isn’t as fabulous as you think but because your eyes are starting to go, you think your hearing is better than it is. I speak from experience, as always having shit sideways eyesight, I’ve thought my hearing and sense of smell were way beyond point. Turns out, I can’t smell or hear nearly as well as I thought. Ted now gets on my chest roaring his presence in the morning (as I can’t hear him when he stands at the door) and it takes me over 20 minutes to smell an out-of-the-litterbox mistake. I’m so fucked!

  10. markbialczak says:

    Have lens, will travel. That’s quite the leap behind you, my dear. ❤ That model shot from the past is quite you, by the way. 🙂

  11. SerachShiro says:

    You had great luck but also it happens to me to loose my ear piercing and later on I found it too in the towel ………ok you dries out your nose against the towel but your contact ??? I think you had a heavy night ( lol ) ! Love to see the changing from always lovely little to American New Next Top model 🙂 !

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