How to Display Merriment

Aside from the ability to wear gaudy holiday outfits, I always look forward to the snail mail of merriment that comes my way every December and decided to turn my kitchen into a museum of family and friends by hanging the fabulously festive cards on my cabinets.

Display

Holiday happiness on display.

Here’s what you’ll need for this most uncomplicated of decorating projects:

Goods

Scissors, your choice of ribbon, mini clothes pins and packing tape.

Mothership

I found my pink sparklers at Target for $3.00. Score!

First you need to measure the ribbon around the cabinet door and then tape each end of the ribbon down.

measure, cut, tape

Giving Martha Stewart a run for her money, I know.

The ribbon can stand alone as simple decor.

K-ute alone

Sprucing up the most mundane (and most unused) area of my mini manse.

But once your ribbon is filled with friendly faces, fur balls and off spring, you’ll want to open every cabinet door in the kitchen daily.

or covered in cards from loved one.s

Tempted to leave up year round…

Happy wrapping!
CBXB

 

 

Wrap It Up

I always look forward to the snail mail of merriment that comes my way every December and decided to turn my kitchen into a museum of family and friends by hanging the fabulously festive cards on my cabinets.

Display

Holiday happiness on display.

Here’s what you’ll need for this most uncomplicated of decorating projects:

Goods

Scissors, your choice of ribbon, mini clothes pins and packing tape.

Mothership

I found my pink sparklers at Target for $3.00. Score!

First you need to measure the ribbon around the cabinet door and then tape each end of the ribbon down.

measure, cut, tape

Giving Martha Stewart a run for her money, I know.

The ribbon can stand alone as simple decor.

K-ute alone

Sprucing up the most mundane area of my mini manse.

But once your ribbon is filled with friendly faces, fur balls and off spring, you’ll want to open every cabinet door in the kitchen daily.

or covered in cards from loved one.s

Tempted to leave up year round…

Happy wrapping!
CBXB

CBXB!

 

How Many Drunks Does it Take to Hang Wallpaper?

What seems like more fun after a few cocktails than trying to conquer a wallpapering project?

It’s what all the cool kids do on a Friday night, right?

Right?

Fun times

Happy and Happier about to embark on tasks better left to the sober.

While I was perusing my mothership Target last week, I discovered peel and stick wallpaper that stopped me dead in my tracks (the cart actually made screeching sound).

All the pretty paper

How could I refrain from the fabulousness?

You see, I have a pretty drab (i.e. not gaudy enough for me) wall that is screaming for some sprucing up in my mini manse and for $30, I could chevron the shit out of the bland area.

Ho hum wall.

No worries – help is coming by way of two drunks!

I was able to coerce my handy buddy Camo after a couple of Skinny Pirates at our local watering hole into hanging (of course the poor guy believed me when I said I’d help) the cool new decor I’d found.

Here are the supplies you will need:

Captain Morgan (or libation of your choice)

Wallpaper (we suggest peel and stick)

Scissors (leopard print cuts better)

Tape measure (to hopefully watch someone else use)

Razor blade (just in case things don’t work out)

Supplies

Winning with supplies.

You will also need one pissy pussy to assist as project manager.

Plus one grounch project manager who just wnated to cuddle

Someone is miffed that wallpapering comes before cuddling.

After removing the mirror, I documented the transformation as Camo carefully laid the first piece of paper with ease.

Watch Document

He’s hired.

Ted dictated our his every move.

Watch  Supervise

Overbearing authority.

Camo had everything under control until I saw bubbles forming underneath my wall sticker.

Wrinkles be damned!

Wrinkles be damned!

Then in between sips of Skinny Pirates, I got my paws on the stuff and wrinkled it into a crumbly mess.

Made worse by yours truly WRinkle ruiner

CBXB wallpaper fail.

After I managed to single-handedly thwart any and all wallpapering attempts, Camo suggested a paint job which I thought sounded like a genius idea as I could sit and watch document for this post.

Drunk painting party!

Drunk painting party!

Supervising

My arms got tired taking pictures.

And after all of the nonsense, the wall turned out pretty damn perfect.

Tah-Dah!

Tah-Dah!

So obviously two drunks don’t make a wallpapering right.

But what would happen if one went at it alone?

Second round of tools

Supplies for one, round two.

Bound and determined I was going to get this damn wallpaper up in my mini manse if it was the last thing I ever did, another boring wall was selected for me to manhandle.

Blah

My prey.

Rolling out the chevron sticker in my kitchen kinda made me wish this was a rug (wine makes the mind wander, doesn’t it?).

Chevron carpet

Mesmerized by measuring.

Once I thought the wallpaper was ready to go up, I quickly had to stop and guzzle a glass of vino as the fucking wrinkles, bubbles and creases reared their ugly heads again.

Not so much...same outcome, different night?

Why is this happening? WHY?!

Upon using wine as an alternative to Xanax, I calmly kept forging ahead in my not-so-perfect project because by God this was going to work.

After two hours of cussing, sweating, swearing, drinking and fighting through the urge to burn the wallpaper, the stars suddenly aligned and my luck turned a corner for the better.

As I stepped back to admire my minor accomplishment, I had a feeling I’d soon be known as a world-renowned wallpaper hanger upper.

Nope!

One drunk = a wallpaper success!

Until I got a little closer for a look at remaining imperfections from the sloppy installer.

Don't look too close

Too bad you can’t Botox walls.

Upon taking a further step back, I realized the job was lacking something pretty major…

Completion.

Half assed from one drunk

Half-assed wallpapering at its finest.

Maybe three drunks will be my lucky charm?

I’ll keep you posted.
CBXB

CBXB!

How to Hide Dirty Laundry

Looking for a new mini manse last month, there were a few very important priorities I kept in mind. I wanted to stay within my zip code (which is the 90210 of Nashville – but don’t go thinking I’m a classy, rich gal – click here to read about how I manage to trash up the area – fabulously of course. My previous place was more on the Skid Row side of Nashville’s Beverly Hills…and now I scored a place on the outskirts – I’m so moving up), I wanted to stay in a perimeter where my favorite watering hole Dalts, delivers food (seriously, this is what I was considering) and I required a laundry area within the walls of my residence (THE HORROR of having to revert to coins and carrying dirty clothes to and from a laundry mat after all these years of being spoiled by having machines in my duplex).

While other folks who are moving consider school systems, safety of neighborhoods and the overall atmosphere of an apartment complex, I was worried about how close I am to my favorite bar, whether or not I can maintain my prestigious (in my mind) zip code and the ability to clean clothes in my new mini manse. Shallow much? (At least I’m honest). So you can imagine my delight when I signed a lease to a new place that met all three of my requirements. Now I just needed a washer and dryer…

Woohoo!

My new laundry wing. Woohoo!

My washing quarters fit snuggly in this cozy bathroom – which is probably about as big as a jail cell.

Combo bathroom/laundry wing

Triple duty! A shitter, shower AND laundry wing.

There was one teeny, tiny problem.  As the washer and dryer I acquired from a friend at work sat on a truck in my parking lot awaiting their new home, my buddies moving me in didn’t think they would fit after viewing (and measuring – why would I have thought to measure?! Aren’t all appliances the same size? Being blonde is hard work.) the space. Mother f’er.

Enter Dad – the ever constant hero in my life.  He did some research, found an alternative to a gargantuan dryer vent and remeasured to be sure that the twosome I longed for would fit into my naked laundry wing. Once again my work buddies (who are probably loving to hate me and anything having to do with the word move) came back with the appliances…carrying them down ten stairs, taking the bathroom door off its hinges to get them in the minute space and sliding them into their new home (zero profanity was used during this time).

They fit! Except now one of the f’ing doors won’t slide shut.

They fit. Except now the f'ing door won't shut.

Why do dryers have to be so fat?

Tiny spaces

And what design genius put three doors in this tiny space?!

So problem solver Dad took the door off its hinges, which almost had me in tears, as I am OCD about things looking perfect. How could I ask company to sit on a toilet and gaze at my duct tape, modge podge, tools (I don’t know how to use) and dirty laundry?

Door expert

Door expert.

Seeing the look on my face, my dad immediately realized the situation was dire (to me). I mean, look at the door behind the toilet…

Whole lotta crammin' going on.

Whole lotta crammin’ going on.

Trying to avert the water damn about to break from my eyeballs (I’m typically not this dramatic but it’d been a tough week/month/year and this goddamn washer/dryer seemed like the world to me at that exact moment), Dad suggested I clean the junk up off the floor (while he cooled off with a cocktail) before permanently placing the dryer in its new digs – which ended up being a five step process due to the size of the bathroom.

Remnants

Remnants of last tenants…eww gross.

I got a workout hoisting the vacuum up on the dryer just so I could slide myself into the room and shut the door.

puhlease

Could we please put one more thing in this 6 x 6 room?

Once the cleaning device was in, I had to climb on top of the washer (due to my overly ample derriere) to maneuver the nozzle on the vacuum in the corners of the floor. Who knew I was an acrobat?

Squeeze

No room for big butts.

All of that climbing and cleaning cleared my mind for a moment of clarity in this blonde brain. I can’t have doors on my laundry wing…but what about a shower curtain? Dad and I hopped in the car and headed for my mothership…Target.

Target to the rescue!

My favorite red and white bullseye to the rescue!

After a quick trip and $30 for a shower curtain, rod and rings, my door problems were solved. No one was going to get to wonder what the hell is crammed in all of my closet bins while doing their business.

Shelves

Pay no attention to the junk behind the curtain…

In all of three minutes, the finishing touches were accomplished.

Laundry wing complete

No doors? No problem.

All thanks to CBXB’s own personal Mr. Fix It.

Once again, a hero! I'll give you three guesses to his top favorite sports teams.

I’ll give you one guess to his top three favorite sports teams.

Need your own laundry wing tweaked? I’ll lend this guy out – but it’s gonna cost you.

Probably just a Skinny Pirate or two. Wait, make that a bottle (or three) of Captain.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

99 Problems and a Man Ain’t One

Has anyone involved with a man ever been able to add this statement to their vocabulary? Highly doubtful.

Last night while out and about, I think I found a cure for problems with the male species: Training Treats for Boyfriends (there are also treats for husbands but they were all out at the store…wonder why?!).

The tag line reads, “If you think your boyfriend is a dream but he sometimes makes you want to scream, you can turn him into the perfect man using the simple training treats plan.”

blah

Trained to perfection?

And here’s what this product promises to accomplish…

Hello!

From totally geek to totally chic.

If they’d had a training treat box for diva felines, I would have snatched one up and given it a whirl on Ted (just to see if he’d set still and let me paint his claws).  And while I left the single remaining boyfriend box sitting on the shelf, it dawned on me that there were no training treats for females.

Is that because we’re perfect specimens or was the store sold out?

CBXB

CBXB!

Keep Calm and Tape On

I have such an ongoing love affair with tape, my last name should be Scotch. I’ve used leopard duct tape to decorate planters (click here to view) and to spruce up my vintage couch Teddy sank his claws into because I forgot (mom of the year!) to feed him (to read about His Royal Highness’ bitchiness, click here).

I am always looking for ways to spruce up my mini-manse (with no budget, of course) without adding to the volume of belongings I already stuff into every nook and cranny of my place without becoming a featured episode on Hoarders.  So here’s my newest creation that cost a whopping $4.49.

Laundry Wing in my mini-manse complete!

Laundry Wing in my mini-manse complete!

Every time I walk through my front door (my only door to the outside world), the first thing I see is the bland Laundry Wing of my mini-manse (the doors slide open and without having to move an inch, you’re in the laundry room – lucky me not having to burn any extra calories walking to the other side of my place!).

From plain

Ho Hum Laundry Wing

I’ve often thought about painting the doors but never took the plunge, as I want my security deposit back (if I ever leave renter’s land). So when I spotted a roll of black masking tape at work, I had an Aha! moment. Why haven’t I considered my beloved tape for a DIY project? Hello blonde moment.

Here’s what you’ll need to spruce up any wing (with doors) in your very own manse:

Scissors. Your choice color of tape.

Be sure you choose a matte type of tape – the shinier the tape’s surface, the more flaws will show (uneven cut lines in my case).

Cut. Tape. Very hard.

Cut tape. Apply. Very hard.

I started eyeball ‘measuring’ the pieces by lining them up with the lines below and cutting the tape just a little longer.

blah

As I moved on, I cut the tape at an angle.  When I did a straight cut, the corners seemed thick and uneven (I’m such a perfectionist with my eyeballing of measurements and all).

I tried to angle the corners to save me later

After seeing my initial result I was in LOVE (and thought I was an instant interior designer, patting myself on the back).  I had to apply two layers of tape for each crevice but by using the black matte color you can barely tell (unless your eyes are centimeters away from the doors).

Hmm

Once I finished all of the doors, I was worried that the masking tape might not be adhesive enough to last as long as I wished.  So I got out my trusty Mod Podge in another moment of my sheer geniusness (these moments are very far and few between for me).

Modge Podge and sponge brush for corners or thin layer around all tape.

Mod Podge I had on hand (but would cost you about $5.00 if you didn’t). Foam brush, $0.99.

A very thin coat of my favorite gloss-lustre did the trick.

blah

And now here’s what I see as I prance into my lair…

Go give your own Laundry Wing some love!

All of my other boring white doors in various wings of my mini-manse are so jealous.

Can you blame them?

CBXB

How to Give a Trashy Gift From the Heart

Know someone who has had a particularly shitty year? Well, do I have a cheap and easy gift idea for you!

Being the classy lady (it is white trash Wednesday here at CBXB after all), one of my life’s mantras is “SUCK IT.”

My entire year of 2010, one gigantic black cloud followed me daily, pouring buckets of disaster over my head.  I lost my job, ended a six-year relationship, moved out of the house we’d shared for five years and moved in with my parents (every adult’s dream) all in one January week.

After all of that fun, I fell into a depression, wound up broke, finding myself in a mountain of debt, had friends crap out on me and got taken to the cleaners so inexplicably and despicably, I could have starred in my own Lifetime movie (which I would have rocked, of course. Then I could just be the girl who shows up in every single Lifetime movie with a small role. Job of my dreams!).

So needless to say, I was beyond thrilled December 31, 2010. I couldn’t wait to tell the past year to kiss my ass, so I decided to concoct my perfect New Year’s Eve attire by making my own T-shirt.

Who knew a little glitter glue and puffy paint could make a gal so happy?!

Who knew a little glitter and glue could make a gal so happy?!

And to convey my excitement over counting down the last ten seconds of the year…

Just to convey my excitement counting backward from 10. I have such a small mouth, don't I?

I have such a small mouth, don’t I?

Although I’m still climbing my way out of financial canyons due to circumstances out of my control two year’s ago, this shirt helped me put pep back into my step. I got my happy back!

Loving my bedazzled T-shirt so much (it hangs outside of my closet as ‘art’ because I giggle every time I see it), I’ve recreated a version for friends who could use a little pick me up after their past year, in the hope it brings a chuckle. All for about $10.

Here’s what you’ll need:

Glitter fabric paint or puffy paint (yeah, it’s still around!)

Glitter for fabric (I usually stick with silver because it will show on any color)

Basic colored T-shirt

This set will cost you about $7 and last you through many DIY projects

This set will cost you about $7 and last you through many DIY projects.

I can usually find T-shirts at Target for around $6. Cheaper if they’re short-sleeved or a tank (if you choose a tank, make sure it isn’t ribbed).

Wash and dry the t-shirt before starting your painting masterpiece.

Wash and dry the shirt before starting your one of a kind masterpiece.

Put something between the shirt to keep from

Put something between the shirt to keep the glue from sticking to the back…yes, I learned the hard way.

I use a silver colored Sharpie to

I use a silver-colored Sharpie to pattern my words, so I can just retrace with puffy paint.

After you have finished with the glue, it’s time for my favorite part – piling on the glitter!

Pile on the glitter!

I let this set for a few hours before shaking the excess off.

And just like that, you’ve created a piece that will bring a smile to your buddy’s face. ‘Tis the season, right?

The end result..

Good tidings of cheer!

If this message a little too vulgar for you, please remember, one gal’s trash is another gal’s treasure.

Oh and if it’s not a gift well received?

Just tell them to SUCK IT.

CBXB