Bad Influence

Who wouldn’t want their kid taking after yours truly?

Well… maybe anyone that has offspring would prefer their child take after Taylor Swift in lieu of me but I digress.

Yep. Twins

Someone wants to be just like Auntie CBXB (the glass of rum will come in 19 years).

Ever since my niece has graced us with her presence into the world, I just knew she’d be a gal after my own heart. I was especially excited to stuff her into all things sequins and sparkle before she was old enough to speak and tell me no (which would be a bona fide heartbreak!).

Don’t you hate those moms who dress up just like their kids? Me too.

But it’s totally OK when aunts do it, right?

Sparkling duo.

Black sequins for everyone!

Although I sometimes dress like a sixth grade girl, I have this sneaking suspicion that my love of gaudy attire will shine through Princess B as she grows up.

Seriously, I will out sparkle you Auntie CBXB!

Giving serious thought on how to out sparkle me.

This past weekend while in Iowa, I was able to teach Princess B all kinds of tricks to accompany those fabulous threads we love to wear.  Aside from sharing a love of the most practical attire, we both adore Lay’s potato chips with a hefty dose of AE French Onion dip.

Dunk, don't dip.

She knows to dunk, not dip.

Just like me.

Just like me.

And she’s also picked up my knack of classy eating skills.

And looks just like me when she's finished.

No napkins necessary.

I discovered that we share the love of looking at ourselves online via a blog (this blog as a matter of fact, where I feature her almost as much as Ted – DON’T TELL THE BEAR).

Blog postin'

Oh, I do look good in that picture don’t I?

Being that I will have finally mastered the art of yoga in 2078, Princess B picked up a few tricks from me.

Not so cute yoga.

An eagle pose so hilarious, I can’t hold it.

Downward Dog.

A downward dog so cute I can hardly stand it.

Princess B has also mastered the art of getting what she wants (or “sharing” as she puts it).

Swapping shoes.

What Elsa dress is complete without Auntie CBXB’s sparkly UGGS?

This chick has a knack for noticing the finer things in life…like Louis Vuitton.

Purse Lovers. Lovin' Louis

Think she’s hoping this is her bag when she trots off to kindergarten.

We studied sparkly nails, fuchsia lipstick and all the baubles that call my wrist and fingers home.

BLING

Yep. Safe to say we love bling.

Loving leopard together

Also safe to say we kinda love leopard.

Now that I knew our clothing, accessory, snack and workout skills were in line, we mastered the art of a selfie (not that I’m an expert after taking 5,390,201 pictures of myself).

Selfie test.

Selfie test.

Selfie success (for Princess B).

Selfie success (for Princess B).

But this girl didn’t need me to teach her to love a camera.

Kinda up to no good together...think we can get into some serious trouble together...

Princess B is going to be up to fun. Forever.

I can’t wait to share more fabulously sparkly tips as the years pass by…

Either way, I'm loving the imitation all day long.

Like the importance of putting a tampon in your pocket, not carrying it around while kissing people.

Happily, I think I’ve got a serious imitation situation on my hands that I will love for the rest of my days, as it’s the sincerest form of flattery, right?

Sorry, not sorry Dr. Cocktail and Sister CBXB!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Merry Moments

I’m baaaack!

Miss me? Because I missed you as I greeted 2015 with about ten extra holiday pounds and 40,401 less brain cells.

Hello 2015!

Hello 2015!

While on a blogging break, I hung with my two favorite pussies more than I care to admit in Christmas pajamas.

Cat time.

Yep. Still a crazy cat lady.

I played reindeer games in hopes that Saint Nicholas would soon make an appearance.

Reindeer games.

All dolled up with no Santa in sight.

Ted nestled down in his Juicy Couture Pussy Palace while visions of life without New Cat danced around in his furry head.

Nestled all snug in his Juicy Couture Pussy Palace.

Seriously contemplating how to get rid of NC. I raise sweet cats.

A key for Santa was accompanied by my favorite treat.

Santa's fave.

Who wants milk when you can have Captain?

Christmas morning found Princess B playing her kick ass guitar from Auntie CBXB that makes all kinds of loud, annoying noise.

Rockstar in the making.

Rock star in the making.

While Prince B got his very own puppy from me.

Prince B got a puppy.

I almost wrapped up New Cat but settled on this instead.

And Princess B was so upset that she didn’t receive a stuffed dog too, she taught my mom a less by punching her in the face.

BItch slapping Mama CBXB for not gifting her a stuffed puppy.

WHERE’S MY PUPPY GIGI?!

And so she stole Prince B’s gift.

Mine. All mine.

Mine. All mine.

While I stole all of the chips and AE French Onion dip in the house.

'Tis the season of overeating....

‘Tis the season of overeating….

Which came in handy as I was leaving for Miami the following day.

Toes in the sand with my chip and dip gut.

Toes in the sand with my chip and dip gut.

But I visited the local Jewish Community Center where I tried to work off my Christmas caloric intake but couldn’t figure out how to use the damn equipment.

What the who?

Workout fail.

Trying to shed ten pounds in one morning didn’t really work out in my favor but that was OK as I was too busy kissing 2014 goodbye to care.

Kissing 2014 away!

I love you Captain.

I also got to hang with some real hipsters who obviously got all dolled up for the big night.

Hot friends

He had chips and dip over the holiday too.

And as it came down to the final seconds of 2014, I celebrated in my normal subtle way.

Double horns for double NYE excitement!

Double horns for double NYE excitement!

There was much to anticipate in the early days of 2015 – like one more Iowa Hawkeye football game. And while I wasn’t with my family to celebrate in our traditional game day ways, we still ‘tailgated’ together.

Representing the Hawks on the beach, bitch.

Representing the Hawks on the beach.

Overalls on in Tennessee

Overalls on in Tennessee.

Preparations for the game being made in Iowa by Prince B.

Preparations for the game being made in Iowa by Prince B.

Princess B could care.

While Princess B could give two shits about the upcoming game, as she was still busy with her brother’s puppy.

When the ominous clouds rolled in over the beach, I shoulda known what was going to happen as the Hawks have had a piss poor season. Even though we were playing an equally dismal team, the University of Tennessee Volunteers, I just knew it would be a good game, forgetting the fact that I attended one of the top party schools in the nation (according to a 2013 report). So I suppose fun in the sun got the better of my team.

Clouds rolled in...

Lightning did not strike for my Hawkeyes.

After a 21-0 Vols lead in the first quarter I was suddenly thrilled that I didn’t make any bets with the Tennessee fans around me. Finally in the third quarter of the game Iowa scored but still managed to make the Tennessee Vols look like a Superbowl team.

FINALLY a touchdown shot!

A much needed celebration touchdown shot.

The Vols had not won a post season game since 2008 and I was less than thrilled that my Hawkeyes were able to grant them a big W with a final score of 45-28. And so I did what any fan would do after losing a hideously named Taxslayer Bowl…

Drowning in my sorrows.

Drowning in my salt water sorrows.

Upon my arrival back to Nashville, I was greeted with fuck you flowers from my buddy and Vols fan, Camo.

Greeted back to Nashville with Tennessee colored flowers compliments of my buddy and Vols fan Camo. So sweet.

A masked insult in a lovely bouquet.

And I thought maybe 2015 wasn’t starting off on the right foot…

Maybe we didn't start the new year off on the right foot afterall...

Um, I think I miss you 2014.

Until I ran into my best friend at Dalts, which made everything right in the world again.

Captain to the rescue!

Skinny Pirates to the rescue!

So now I am back in love with the idea of a new year and I plan to kick 2015’s ass.

I hope you do, too.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

Weekend Winks – Two Times the Fun!

Being that last Friday was my two year blogging anniversary, it called for a weekend of celebrating (as I have hit a dry spell on things to celebrate….c’mon Halloween)!

Happy CBXB

Balloons courtesy of my buddy Camo.

What better way to kick of a celebratory Friday than a Skinny Pirate at my beloved Dalts?

All Captain, splash of Diet.

All Captain, splash of Diet.

Blogoversaries taste so good!

Blogoversaries taste so good!

It was also a mini celebration for Camo‘s birthday, which was over a month ago but still…

Camo's bday one month late. I just like to stretch events out.

I really like to streeetch events out.

A wake up call came bright and early for my Iowa twins, as Princess B had places to go.

GET UP! GET UP!

Get up or I’ll sit on your head.

But she needed to get to the splash park, so a rude awakening of Prince B was appropriate.

Splash parks to get to!

Early play date!

Worth the rude awakening.

Totally worth the sudden awakening.

Being that Princess B takes after Auntie CBXB, I was headed to my mini manse’s pool on Saturday and low and behold it was empty just for me.

Private pool!

Private pool!

I settled in to enjoy the absent screaming kids, radios on either side of me (one playing pop country, the other hip hop) and dudes who try to strike up a conversation even though I am clearly reading (this is the equivalent of someone trying to speak to you on a plane when you very noticeably have earphones in).

Am I the only one?!

Am I the only one in America who hasn’t yet read this book?

As the afternoon carried on, the pool filled to the brim with fellow residents and it was time for me to make an exit for a few cocktails.  While out and about, I just happened to run into First Mate which makes me love that Nashville really is a big, small town.

Quenching my losing thirst.

Fancy seeing you here!

Sunday was filled with Iowa treats my folks brought back to me from a recent trip.

Crazy for sweet corn

Crazy for sweet corn –  six ears consumed in one sitting.

Accopmanied by my two other Iowa faves - AE french onion chip dip and their equally delicious cottage cheese. *swwon*

Accompanied by my two other Iowa faves – AE french onion chip dip and their equally delicious cottage cheese. *swoon*

Trying to unwind with my weekly magazines in the tub, I got an ass to the face.

Trying to relax in the bath.

Flicking drops of water at my noggin with every whip of his tail.

After failed attempts to shower me with my own bubble bath, New Cat tried his best version of puppy dog eyes, while sitting on my reading materials.

Seriously. get out of the tub.

Seriously. Get out of the tub.

When I finally did emerge with pruned skin, Ted assumed his evening position with me on the couch, while New Cat was still in the bathroom (he’s such a smart pussy).

Sunday night maul.

Sunday night maul.

Here’s hoping your week is off to a fabulous start!

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Auntie Style

An unexpected trip to Iowa made for a whirlwind weekend for this Nashville gal, as among other things my sister and her family were in the middle of a move.

Fun aunts are amazing

Totally hands on during the move.

My bro-in-law saw that Anderson Erickson (the best damn dairy company on the planet) took notice of my Iowa appearance and put the most delish chip dip in the world on sale (I can typically eat a carton and a bag of Lay’s potato chips in one sitting. Don’t judge.).

Dip baby, dip.

Dip baby, dip.

The best thing about traveling to Iowa is seeing my twin niece and nephew, who are obvious geniuses as they have now mastered one steep step.

Step mastered.

Little Einsteins.

While arriving in the wee hours Friday morning, we needed a little pick-me-up when the moving festivities began at 8am.

Moonshine for the move.

Who needs mimosas when you have moonshine?

All of us but one selected suitable moving shoes.

Appropriate moving heels. Cinderella style

Anything more appropriate than Cinderella glass heels on moving day?

While some of us felt like Prince B mid-move, we were able to keep our emotions in check.

Not excited.

My condolences on the changing of your diaper.

I was able to muster the energy it took to stand and point as the movers brought furniture in all afternoon.

Traffic cop.

Traffic cop.

During my breaks, I felt it necessary to ride horses with Princess B.

Ridin' ponies.

She’s wondering what the hell I’m doing on her brother’s pony.

Lunch was accompanied by whiskey and ibuprofen, keeping spirits lifted.

Lunch break.

I should pack this in my lunch every day.

Because whiskey is needed in Diet Coke when you get to do fun moving chores like dismantle a couch to fit through a doorway.

Fun times.

Of course, I stood and ordered rather than get my hands dirty.

After feeling like my index fingers were about to fall off, the move was complete and I couldn’t decide which one of the moving men I liked better.

Watching is exhausting.

Professional, polite, fun and hard-working – call this company if you find yourself in the depths of moving hell.

No one was more exhausted after the day’s activities than my dogphew, Gunner who lounged under his Gigi’s feet all evening.

Dogphew

Barking is hard work.

Another perk about Iowa is getting to see my college bestie, Whitney Lover (as she has the oldest and most worn Whitney Houston t-shirt that once was white but now appears to be a stained yellow) when she has time to slide me into her hectic schedule filled with three kids’ activies.

Everyone knows of her love for WL and she was gifted with a matching onesie for her daughter.

Much to her daughter’s dismay, she received a matching Whitney Houston onesie.

Besties

We know, we know. Best photo ever.

And I got to see her little Lady E who has the biggest blue eyes you’ve ever seen.

Lady E.

Lady E with Auntie CBXB.

While Whitney Lover and I were at the bar, we noticed that a 70-year-old was trying to remain hip and cool (or copying my style completely) as she had the exact same hue of pink under her grayish white hair.  Please refrain from telling Whitney Lover how amazing her hairstyle was that day – we heard about it every where we stopped.

Pink Lady.

WL and I agreed that it’d be best if I just ended it all now.

In between meeting WL’s neighbors and kids, we headed to her house after a few cocktails. I had arrived late, so the entire neighborhood was about 14 drinks ahead of yours truly which made getting out of a seat belt extremely difficult for one Neighbor.

How many clicks to get out of a seat belt?

How many clicks does it take to get out of a safety harness?

Texting

WL wouldn’t know as she was busy texting.

And with not one ounce of ease and after 12 minutes, we were able to slide Neighbor out of the seat belt and secure her feet firmly to the ground.

Mission accomplished

Mission accomplished.

The next morning it was time to say goodbye to my fave bebes, so I read to Prince B one last time as he sat on his throne.

Stories

His Royal Highness loves his caterpillar book.

Princess B thought she’d give brushing my hair a whirl (and thankfully left no snarls).

Hair brushing

Brushing at its best.

On the way back to Nashville, we stopped at a gas station where my thoughts of inspiring hair color for seniors around the Midwest were solidified, as I saw an 85-year-old with pink in her pixie cut.

Kill. Me. Now.

Kill. Me. Now.

Who knew I was such a trendsetter for the AARP crowd?

Lucky me.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

How to Throw Down at a Christening

Prior to witnessing the baptism of your twin niece and nephew, it’s important that they start the day happy.

Rise and Shine!

Rise and Shine!

It’s also equally important to fill up on bottles of adult beverages in preparation for a Christening celebration (that, and the fact that you didn’t start on fire upon entering a church).

blah

Baptism of twins equals twice the party fun!

Be sure to add personal touches in decorating by displaying pics of those near and dear holding the babies.

blah

Can you spot CBXB sticking out like a sore thumb?

blah

My sister, the mother of infant twins, also finds time to create art with all of her spare time.

Food is essential when celebrating babies being dunked in holy water, so have a nice spread.

blah

Sweets, sandwiches and salads…oh my!

Play kissy face with one of the guests-of-honor when she refuses to go down for a nap (not wanting to miss out on any of the fun…taking after Auntie CBXB!).

blah

Future social butterfly.

Keep the cocktails flowing with an open bar, new mom and tasty beverages.

Keep the cocktails flowing

Pour me another, please!

Have a camera in hand at all times to catch each and every second of the day drinking celebration (you’re doing it for the babies, of course).

Turn into a tourist

Turn into a tourist in your sister’s home.

All of the photo snapping will make you very thirsty, leading to a case of the double fists.

Double fist in honor of twins...you know a drink for each.

I did this in honor of twins…you know a drink for each.

Force your dad to try drinks unknown to him (which would be anything other than Natty Light and Taaka (rot gut) vodka).

Force feed martinis

Force feed martinis.

Once the party is fully underway, keep the chips and dip within an arm’s reach so as not to starve due to over consumption of wine. Or beer. Or vodka. Or Captain.

Be sure to have the chips and dip CLOSE

Rehydrating with sodium filled potato chips and the best dip ever Anderson Erickson French Onion (one of the best things in Iowa!).

To further the celebration, break out the cigars!

Get out the cigars

Don’t usually smoke? Have a cigar anyhow.

Partaking in cigars when one usually doesn’t smoke leads to the party clock striking midnight and lights out…almost immediately.

Snooze your brains out.

My bed buddy. Not affected by the cigar smoke but clearly happy the party is over.

One can try to sleep the Christening party off the next morning but sometimes you forget that babies get up at the ass crack of dawn. No. Matter. What.

Party pooped out .... well at least I am.

Party pooped out …. well at least I am.

And excitedly remember that babies also tend to only sleep, eat and shit the rest of the day. Score!

Just like her Auntie CBXB

Trying to be just like her Auntie CBXB with a sleep mask. Love!

And that folks is how you thrown down at a Christening.

Bless your heart.

CBXB

CBXB!