Weekend Winks – Glitz, Groping, Girltime

Someone once told me that I was the ‘girliest dude they know’ and took that as a huge compliment. I love sports but I also love my sequins, using a spare bedroom as my dressing room at the mini manse and makeup. I adore makeup. So, it was a dream come true to have a whopper of a package sent to me compliments of Too Faced made possible through my friend M. Star.

I got home from hot yoga and had to take a look at all of my loot in between undressing and the shower, naturally.

No. It doesn’t get much better than this.

March marks my last payment on my Toyota Forerunner! It also marks the time that every cent from my tax return check (and then some!) goes right into the fucker. This year, I needed all new power steering. Once they thought it was fixed, the vehicle was back three more times because it kept leaking fluid. So I started taking power steering fluid wherever I went so I could keep the car on the road.

Classy lady at the bar.

I’ve decided that after dumping $2,000 into my rust bucket, the chances of me getting my dream car of a Range Rover are waaaaaay out of reach for years, so I’m settling for my version below.

Done and done.

Snuggling with my two furry fellas helped ease the pain of my ever diminishing bank account. And while I was gonna stay in on Friday, I was coaxed into making an appearance outside of the mini manse.

Bed heads.

Rasta, our buddy DS and myself lived it up in Nashville’s midtown area.

Tequila + Jell-O = FriYAY

Being ever so responsible, we called a Lyft for a ride home. I sat up front with the driver chit chatting and we dropped Rasta off first and then headed the 45 seconds it takes to get to my mini manse from hers. As the ride was ending, the driver asked for my phone number, which I declined to give him, he asked for a hug and kiss, which I absolutely denied to give him and as I was opening the door to back out of it (worried he’d slap my ass), he instead groped my chest. I slammed the door and ran inside.

I was in shock to a degree and think that after Rapegate, I’ve become somewhat desensitized – although it’s not OK to fall back on that. It’s mentally exhausting to think through this shit and then realize that due to no fault of my own, I get the pleasure to chase this man down through his company and be sure this doesn’t ever happen to any other passenger of his again. This shit is exhausting. And wouldn’t be an issue in the first place if people remembered body basics taught in kindergarten and just keep their fucking hands to themselves.

It took a minute, but was a trigger for me on Sunday, making the emotions of PTSD come to the forefront and well, exasperating other aspects of Rapegate. But such is life and this is how it is for now. So bitchiness is my best friend.

In happier moments, one of my Iowa twins lost his first tooth!

Prince B and his pea sized tooth.

Naturally being related to me, Princess B was miffed she didn’t lose one and get a visit from the tooth fairy. So you know what this gentle soul of a young fella did? He snuck into her room before she woke up and gave her one of the two dollars he’d received.

And he also played tooth fairy dress up with his sister. Best brother ever.

In the biggest news yet, the twins are making their debut in Nashville this week and I. AM. DYING. with anticipation of their arrival.

Saturday was an impromtu brunch date with Bird Lady and as always, I had to have both hands full.

Double fister through and through.

My gal pal found a fabulous place called City Fire with bottomless mimosas (I’m their worst nightmare).

Cheers times two.

Bird Lady then acted as my own personal Uber driver and took me to my hair appointment, where I also kept both hands occupied.

I never want one hand to feel left out.

I received one helluva fun surprise from one of my fave cat lady besties.

Best. Shark. Ever.

All of the pussies took turns in their own personal shark tank. Ultimately, fur flew as one fur baby pushed the other out for a mouthful all day long.

Speaking of babies, my cousin welcomed his first – a sweet baby girl named Lucy Kay!

You’re gonna rock this dad shit.

Fabulous parenting must run in the family because one of my sweet pussies aided me in lunch today.

And cats get a bad rap for being assholes.

In other animal news, GO GET THIS APP NOW.

So, my squad is on the road already today!

Here’s hoping wherever you are, this week feels more like spring than winter already. Am I right?!

Cheers!

CBXB

Live at Five

My favorite day of all time will always be January 17, 2013. The two most important humans to me graced this planet with their presence. While I was the last of my immediate family to find out about the twins (I’m totally over it, as you can tell), I won’t ever forget the moment on a Thursday late afternoon when Sister CBXB called and told me to pull over and stop driving.

I was going to be an aunt. Two times over.

It’s a good fucking thing that I was in my car because the decibel my already extremely not quiet voice reached piercing heights (my whisper is your regular “inside” voice) It would most definitely have caused anyone around me immediate deafness.

I was so fucking happy, thrilled, excited, for myself (oh, and Sister CBXB and Bro-in-Law of course) discovering that I would forever get to spoil a little boy and a little girl. I loved them before ever laying eyes on them.

Then I laid eyes on them.

My heart basically exploded and in the very best way possible, I knew that life was never, ever going to be the same. They immediately became my number ones (my sister is my number two because she got married and had the kids, taking all pressure off of me – yay – and now I can adopt all of the cats in the world).

Honoring the liveliest duo I know, here’s…

Cheers to Five Years

It seemed like yesterday you arrived

How can you be turning five?

Birthdays

One

Two

Three

Four

Were big fun galore

Princess B, you have a flair for sparkles like me

My sweet knight in shining armour you are, Prince B

Getting a pic with the two of you has never been easy

You’ve never not enjoyed giving my face graffiti

There’s so much I’ve loved watching you do

Yet so much more is in store for you two!

You’ve got me in your corner whenever you need

Anyone hurts you

The deal with me

The loves of my life, it’s simple but true

Most of all, I love you just for being you.

Aunt Juju sends kisses. The fur babies send hugs.

All of us send five years of big love!

Celebrate BIG my favorite two!

Love,
Aunt Juju and the rest of the world

How to Make an Ass of Yourself Dressing a Kid

Kids are so effortless, even crazy aunts could be parents.

In this corner...

Yep. Even crazy Auntie CBXB could raise spawn.

And because everything about child rearing is beyond easy, I always lend a hand (and my expertise) when visiting my twin niece and nephew in Iowa.

Now as a case in point, I am going to reveal my ten step process on how to put pants on an adorable kid.

Auntie CBXB’s Expert Way of Dressing a Kid

*Starring adorable nephew, B*

Disruption...

Step one: Disrupt playtime to put pants on kid.

one

Step two: Wrestle kid to the ground.

two

Step three: Roll back over as they try to escape.

three

Step four: Incite tears.

four

Step five: Ignore tears.

five

Step six: Try to stuff one sausage leg into pant hole at a time.

siz

Step seven: Ignore cries that have now turned into tantrum like howls.

seven

Step eight: Laugh in kid’s face.

eight

Step nine: Forget to pull pants up kid’s ass.

nine

Step ten: Congratulate yourself on what you think is a job well done.

Think I nailed it?

Think my nephew kicked it the rest of the afternoon in his cozy little gray sweatpants?

Two for one....

Pants fail.

See how easy my ten step pants process can be?

Just as easy as having kids.

CBXB

CBXB!

Babies Can Be Such Bitches

My kid clock hasn’t started ticking and I’m not all that upset about it (Stop with the judgement. I like your kids and don’t mind being around them. I’m just thrilled they’re yours. Especially when they’re screaming at the top of their lungs in Target, have snot running down their nose, smell of sewer due to a dirty diaper, need to go to the ER at 3am due to being sick for the 13th time this year, require one to get up at the ass crack of dawn, etc….).

This duo of messy cuteness?

This duo of messy cuteness? I’ll let you clean them up.

However this year, I have acquired twins – a niece and nephew that I couldn’t love anymore if they were my own (for the love of Christ, no one tell Teddy).

Being that I’m 1,000 miles away from them, I try to buy their love from afar by sending them presents (this tactic always works with kids under one year, right?). I am sure to send two separate packages (on the same day), as I don’t want anyone getting pissy with having to share (plus, I remember how my sister and I made sure everything was EVEN as kids).

Upon receiving my gift in Iowa, I got this text and following photos from my sister:

B got the cutest star vest in the mail today! She loves it.

This coat hurts

Obviously.

On and on and on

This seriously must be the heaviest vest in the history of the world.

My response:

Dammit! The mailman was supposed to deliver two packages on the same day! I was promised at the counter when I mailed them!

Sister:

Don’t worry. I just told her brother that you don’t love him as much.

Well I felt really screwed over (someone has to take the blame) by the lying USPS. How must my sweet nephew feel about his Auntie CBXB forgetting him?

The following morning I received this from my sister:

You do love B! He’s much more appreciative!

You're welcome

Score!

Happy

Somebody’s love can be bought by Auntie CBXB!

Upon seeing the pics, I realized that I’d sent my nephew two things vs. Bawl Baby’s single star vest.

Me: He’s so welcome! Please don’t tell Little Miss Diva that her brother got two things. PLEASE.

Sister: Too late. She knows!!

She knows.

Keeping tabs already…

I rebounded quickly, telling my sister to remind my niece B of the Tiffany’s bracelet she received from her dear old auntie when she was baptized (while all brother B got a big hug and smooch).

Did someone mention a little blue box?

Did someone mention a little blue box? All is good in the ‘hood now!

Babies can be such bitches – especially when they take after their drama queen aunts.

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Godmother Style

What happens when you are tapped to be a Godmother? You document every. single. second.

Cray cray photo lady

Cray cray photo lady…double fisting cameras.

While my folks and I were putting the pedal to the metal to get to Iowa as fast as our Nashville rears could go, my sweet niece and nephew, B & B were anxiously awaiting our arrival (well that and their bottles – but really us).

Patiently waiting....are they here yet??

Are they here yet??

While our 2am arrival had the twins fast asleep, my always trusty bed buddy was ready for some full on snuggle action.  I will say it was a cozy bed with my mother, myself and my dogphew Gunner.

Bed buddy

My tiny bed buddy.

Bushy tailed and anything from bright-eyed on Saturday am, I introduced B to what will most certainly be a life lasting love. Tiffany & Co.

It's never too early to start the love of the little blue box now, is it?

It’s never too early to start the love of the little blue box now, is it?

The jewelry excitement made little B hungry and gave her mom a chance to bomb one of the best of the photo bombers around (click here to read about my expertise). Moi.

The seasoned photo bomber that I am...got photo bombed

I got got!

Further solidifying a bond with my god-daughter, I introduced her to gaudy jewelry that she quickly became attached to – a gal after my own heart!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. An easy lesson!

To calm her down after taking the diamond ring chew toy away, we watched ourselves on reverse camera. Again – a girl after my own heart…

I heart me

We heart ourselves.

My nephew was rather busy acting like a Southern red neck in his camouflage pants accompanied by no shirt.

Southern style baby

Southern style baby.

Not wanting to be left out, Gunner tried his best to act like a lap dog.

Lap dog

Role playing a chihuahua. So tiny.

In celebration of all things Godly, we found a beer by Evil Twin brewing that I will now be serving at every party below the Mason Dixon Line due to its appropriate moniker…

Even More Jesus. 'Nuff said.

Even More Jesus. ‘Nuff said.

While others sipped on beer, I guzzled my bro-in-law’s cucumber martinis.

Cucumber martini...

Two cucumber slices honoring twins!

All of the ‘tinis made me sleepy and I was happy to snuggle with little B before putting her to bed.

Snuggle time!

Sleeping beauties. Well, at least one of us anyhow.

Sunday morning found my sister’s living room in need of a dust, so I kindly obliged.

Yes. I always wear a dress when I house clean.

Yes. I always wear a dress when I clean house. Don’t you?

Upon wearing holy water and a seersucker suit (it’s a sea sucker suit if you ask my sister), B decided it was rough being the center of attention during church.  Therefore, he found it necessary to pass out in the pew.

blah

No wonder the song’s called “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

But B was ready to par-tay after arriving home and greeting well-wishing guests.

How can you not smile when seeing this photo?

Giggly charmer.

With a nine-hour drive behind me, I arrived to my house with this greeting Monday evening…

Last ditch attempt with a strong paw

Where the hell have you been?!

I have a feeling I will be paying for my short Iowa trip for the rest of this week (as I kicked my Tuesday off at 4:47am due to my growling, howling bear).

Wish me luck – I’m going to need it.

CBXB

CBXB!

Captain of Fashion

You know, when I started writing this blog I truly had no idea what kind of impact I’d have on my readers.  It turns out that not only do folks tune in for the life and times of Captain and Ted, some young readers even try to follow in my fashion footsteps.

Remember my lovely Cray Cray Cat Lady Lingerie? (If not, do yourself a favor and click to read here).

Hawt Mama

All dolled up with only my cat to show…wonder why?

I was beyond flattered to know that I am now a fashion guru babies look to for style advice. When my gal pal sent me a pic of her daughter parading around in an outfit inspired by my own, my chest puffed with pride.  Look at young Aubs, who is decked head to toe in her finest leopard (I mean imitation is the sincerest form of flattery – and let’s be honest… I’m a shining example of how to wear copious amounts of gaudy leopard, right?).

Pride of the pack

Pride of the CBXB pack!

She even has little pink paws on the feet of her outfit, just like her fashion role model!

My paws are of course pink, too

Like mentor, like protege.

And adorable Aubs has yours truly beat in mugging for the camera.

Adorable Aubs

Crazy cat lady in training, perhaps?

But, she has yet to master the art of blending in to her surroundings.

Nice little camo

My cray cray version of Southern camouflage.

Knowing how heavily I influence my infant readers puts some pep in this crazy cat lady’s step. I’m like the Rachel Zoe of infants. I think I see a Bravo TV show in my future (Ted’s paws are already crossed)…don’t you?

CBXB

CBXB!