Find yourself feeling awkward while in a city other than your hometown? While on a trip to Key West, I practiced the art of acting like a fool local to better fit in with the citizens of the beautiful destination.
While trying to be mistaken as a local, it’s best to try to blend in with your surroundings.
Blending fail.
You’ll want to take as many pictures of the ocean as possible while you sit your ass on a beach chair all day. You won’t look like a tourist. At all.
Salt water photo #461.
To ensure your native status, find a local celebrity and become fast friends.
Stalking Peter Cottontail. We’re now besties.
Throw yourself in front of tourist traps, like ghost story trolleys. Locals hate that kind of shit.
The only thing scary on this tour is me.
Do as the residents do and hop on any car with one million stickers and repeat the world welcome every time another human walks by.
Pretty sure I almost caught chlamydia by sitting on that damn car.
Hit your concierge up for local hot spots that mostly residents frequent. Once you’ve arrived, act like you’ve never been out of the damn house before as you ooh and ahh over the gravel floor, the open air ceiling and the patio lights that are a staple at every other beach restaurant (and that you also have hanging on your own porch).
Blue Heaven is truly heaven on earth.
Even though you grew up in a small farming community and own two cats, be sure to document the strange creatures roaming around the restaurant that seem so foreign. All locals get picture happy in native establishments.
A cat?! Where’s my camera?
Peeps! In real life!
Coax those little chicks to sit on your finger in between every bite of delicious nourishment. Everyone that lives in Key West does this. Trust me.
Polly want a cracker?
Spot a mama hen cuddling with her newly hatched chick and suddenly long for a feathered baby of your own.
I need that beaked baby!
Proceed to cluck and grow your own wings to entice the real, live Peeps to follow you out of the restaurant. I promise you will not look like an ass clown.
Mama Hen at her worst.
When the Great Poultry Heist fails miserably, console yourself (and solve all of the world’s problems) by swinging in a hammock under palm trees talking in a voice just loud enough to keep your fellow vacationers up ’til dawn.
Are you there God? It’s me, CBXB.
Be sure to pack your finest sleep accessories as you will be amazed at the energy it takes to act like a resident of whatever community you’re visiting.
Clucking and talking is hard work.
As you can see, acting like a local is exhausting but if you follow my tips, you’ll fit right in.
CBXB
Cowboys and Crossbones 