Weekend Winks – Moving Mania Month

In the past 21 days, I’ve been asked to vacate my mini manse (due to the non-use of condoms by my landlord’s son who now needed my side of the duplex to expand their family), searched and found a new castle, scrapped and scrimped for money to pay rent two places in June while also forking over a pet and security deposit (my landlord refused to give me my deposit back early after asking what he could do to help – and then had the nerve to tell me that he couldn’t help it if I didn’t know how to”manage my money” when I told him I didn’t have the funds to move and also ended up telling me to “put your big girl panties on and deal with it”…you can imagine how that conversation ended), moved every evening after work (loading and unloading three car fulls a night was epic fun), consumed copious amounts of Skinny Pirates and wine after going to the doctor and spilling my guts that I can’t function on three hours of sleep per night, I’m beyond stressed and I just might punch someone in the face if the toner on the copier happened to run dry at work (not a typical reason for me to threaten physical violence) and the good ‘ol doc came back in and handed me a prescription…for a psychiatrist (lovely to have your feelings of lunacy verified by a medical professional – couldn’t I just get 14 days worth of Ambien or Xanax?!). Help a girl out!

After all of this I can finally say I’m done with this moving bullshit!

Thank God for t-shirts that say it all.

Thank God for t-shirts that say it all.

Moving is never, ever any fun. But being surprised with a relocation overwhelmed (to say the least) me.  I moved into my mini manse three years ago after an awful year and was my ‘new start.’ Also daunting was the fact that I have shit everywhere. Literally (because I downsized from a house to a duplex). I have shit at my parents house, shit at friends’ homes, shit in a storage unit, shit in my mini manse…but my new palace is double the size of my old (this gal is moving up) – oh snap!

Load by load, my folks (who I am forever indebted to) and myself carried precious possessions to and from the old to the new.

Glamingo handled with care by dear old Dad.

Dear old Dad – the man who is a constant and always around in my times of need. Plus, he sure looks good with a pink flamingo, right?

Dissecting my wall of shoes proved to be a ginormous task.

Wall of fun.

Wall of fun.

Boo hoo shoe....new places to debut!

Boo hoo shoes….new places for you to make your debut!

While my dad never uttered a peep about how many shoes I own, I happily pointed out that it could be worse.

My dad didn't utter a peep about me having too many shoes but I did tell him that my addiciton could be worse...could be crack cocaine.

Aren’t you glad I’m addicted to shoes and not crack cocaine?

Teddy acted like the sky was falling (he happily took the cue from yours truly) and tried to take up residency in every empty box.

Forget me and you'll be sorry.

Forget me and you’ll be sorry.

And was exhausted by the 48th hour of watching our trio take endless trips back and forth to our cars.

Ted tired out on day 2.

Ted tired out on day 2.

When my mom and I visited storage, it seemed like a good idea to stop payments and call Storage Wars on A&E.  There wasn’t time to sift through everything BUT many trips were made to Goodwill and the dump.

Oh boy...

Oh boy…

I lost many nights of shut eye over whether or not my beloved piano would fit into my new mini manse.  My work family came to my rescue by not only picking up my heavy as all get out player piano but also stepped in to move my furniture and belongings out of three different places with the company truck (I’m one lucky gal (with a happy tear in my eye) who will never be able to convey my level of gratitude).

Oh this has wheels? No problem.

Oh this has wheels? No problem.

Badass fellas kickin' a player piano's ass.

Badass fellas kickin’ a player piano’s ass.

Rollin' down the hill.

Thank God for dry grass!

Lift 'er up!

My heroes!

The madness continued once we stopped to collect my other larger pieces of furniture – I snapped this pic while the boys were trying to maneuver my two ton antique Coke machine down the front steps (naturally, I run and hide when I think heavy lifting is in order. I’m such a bitch).

Shit show.

Shit show.

And while my life still looked like this…

Will this move ever end?

Will this move ever end?

I had to kick up my heels and celebrate the piano fitting into my new and improved mini manse (although the front door of the apartment had to be removed to get the damn thing in – but still!). And yes, believe what you’re seeing – I’m in overall cut-offs (that my grandpa wore while farming – although I never, EVER wear shorts) and sneakers (which I never EVER wear unless I’m working out) but this was a dire circumstance and comfort was above any other fashion issue (unfortunately).

The piano fits!

The piano fits!

Moving into my fabulous new closet, the first piece of clothing I grabbed was my t-shirt celebrating the end of 2010, as I’m finding myself in a similar situation currently.

Poetic.

Poetic.

In between all of the moving shenanigans, I took time out for all kinds of debauchery at a bachelorette party.

Ahh...is moving over YET?

Ahh…is moving over YET?

Wondering about our fabulous attire? We're paying tribute to the bride's love of the muu muu.

Wondering about our fabulous attire? We’re paying tribute to the bride’s love of the muumuu.

There was nothing more fun than getting up after a long weekend of partying and cleaning the day away at my old place, making a few last trips to my spacious new mini manse.

Last load after endless hours of cleaning...

Last load after endless hours of cleaning…

I felt a lump in my throat upon departing the driveway for the last time because change is terrifying but I’ve found it’s almost always for the better.

Plus, I have one hell of a new closet!

Closet heaven. Holla!

Closet heaven. Holla!

Invites to our kick ass housewarming will be delivered shortly – I accept all sizes of Captain Morgan bottles (hint, hint) and Teddy will be available for pawtographs.

CBXB

CBXB!

Bag of Tricks

It’s move the furniture out of my mini manse day! I’ve got packing tape, painting tape, new keys, old keys, sunglasses, lip gloss, a tape measure, vodka (just in case someone cuts their finger we’ll have something to pour on it (are you buying that line?) as I was fresh out of rubbing alcohol), hand sanitizer, gum and a moneyless wallet – oh and a hilarious manual on how to be a man that my gal pal Elizabeth wrote (you know, to read while I’m sitting on my ass, pointing where to put the couch).

My bases are covered.

My bases are covered.

Am I missing anything? Oh yes, my mind.

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Mini Manse on the Move!

Last weekend was consumed with digesting the fact that I was being asked to vacate my beloved mini-manse due to circumstances out of my control (which would be an unplanned pregnancy by my landlord’s son who lives on the other side…so they’re expanding to my side of the duplex. Condoms rock for those of you who seem to be unaware of the perks such as my neighbor).

So all this week I cruised the streets of Nashville, Craigslist (there are some real doozies out there – people and places – one guy had a bong out on the refrigerator as we toured the apartment), paper and Internet with my gal pal G (you know, the one who wanted to beat up an 80-year-old on my behalf – read about it here).  After much stomach turning, sleepless nights, budget reviewing and armpit sweating, I signed a lease! Now I might have to sell a few body parts between now and July 1, but Ted and I have a new place to call home.

Closet heaven. Holla!

This closet made me do it.

I wore the closest thing I had to ruby-red slippers when I went to sign the lease on Saturday.

Hoping to click my heels and say there's no place like home...

Clicking my heels and saying there’s no place like home…

Of course a few cocktails were called for as my mind whirled with thoughts of “WTF did I just do…is it the right thing….will Teddy adjust accordingly….?!”

Mine all mine!

Mine all mine!

I was quickly reminded of how much fun apartment living can be while celebrating with Mom on the patio.  All of a sudden, small rocks (pebbles, really) from the neighbor’s deck above fell through the cracks accompanied by screams of, “YOU CALLED ME A LAZY ASS! YOU F’ING BITCH!” More rocks thrown through the cracks. Ah, home sweet home.

My new patio wing...

My new patio wing…the rock quarry.

I had to share the news with my little B & B in Iowa via FaceTime. They insisted on cuddling while I recounted how much fun I will have posting about my neighbors above me.

Cray cray Aunt CBXB

What happened next Auntie CBXB?!

Father’s Day called from some southern spoiling for my dear old dad (and he hated every minute of it, as you can tell from the pics).

Spoiled father on dad's day.

Double fisting gifts.

CBXB gifted Dad with a pretty sweet BBQ hat and a framed quote regarding legendary status I came upon this weekend. My dad often refers to himself as “a legend” because he was an athletic stud in high school and college (which even led to some time in the NFL).

Lucky loot

Legendary loot.

The frame included this little picture…

My dad....the legend.

He expected nothing less from the classy gal he raised right.

Hanging with the Legend...

Hanging with The Legend…

All important margaritas were poured for our Father’s Day celebration (he was heavy-handed with his glass – go figure).

All important margarita

Just a few more ounces should do the trick.

My bro-in-law, celebrating his first Dad’s Day got the little twins giggling with delight (I wish he would call and make me laugh like that).

Fun Day Father's Day!

Fun Day Father’s Day!

Upon returning home from my parent’s house, I had to break the news to Ted that we would be leaving our mini-manse. He took the news about as well as I did when I found out last week …

Me taking the news (not so well, mind you) –

Smoking wreck

Ted’s reaction last night –

WTF were you thinking? I KNOW.

WTF? WE’RE MOVING?

I’ll keep you posted on the feline fun that is coming my way.

CBXB

CBXB!

Confessions of a Shopaholic

The fabulous Marisa from Wear Your Vitamins tagged me in Confessions of a Shopaholic, which is a fun little cyber game of tag.

So here we go…

Do you consider yourself a shopaholic?

Oh hells to tha yes! While I lack the dough to be a bona-fide shopaholic, I love digging for a bargain on sales racks, TJ Maxx, Target and mostly my favorite department store ever, Von Maur.

Shopping the sales rack success!

Success shopping the sales rack!

How would you classify your style?

Fuchsia. Sequins. Skulls. Leopard. Gaudy. Flamboyant. Rocker. Edgy. Jeans. Heels. Flashy, not trashy (although others would probably BEG to differ).

Girls night out attire.

Girls night out attire. Express jeans, $19.99. Target top, $17.99.

Juicy Couture collared striped shirt, $34.99. Skull and crossbones patch purchased at Michael's, $2.99. You don't have to be a sewing expert to adhere spice up your wardrobe. The patch shown is an iron on and takes less than five minutes to complete!

Juicy Couture collared striped shirt, $34.99. Skull and crossbones patch purchased at Michael’s, $2.99.

Who's afraid of a sequin pant? Not me!

Who’s afraid of a sequin pant? Not me! Express pant, $24.99.

Leopard 'n' Shine

Leopard print beneath clear sequins? Um, yes please! Target dress, $34.99.

What store can you not leave without buying something from?

Target. Hands down. Whether it’s shampoo, a greeting card, a Mossimo black tank (a staple in my wardrobe) or a banana. I rarely leave without a bag (which is really doing me a favor because I need plastic bags in order to scoop Ted’s litter pan. Two birds, one stone people!).

Where do you find your best deals?

Sales, sales, sales! Macy’s, Target, Von Maur, TJ Maxx, Dillards semi-annual shoe sale.

What designer are you willing to splurge on?

It’s a three-way between Alexander McQueen, Chanel and Louis Vuitton. McQ is all about the skulls baby (I feel like the designs were sometimes created with yours truly in mind – as if). I also crave the luxury and glamour of Chanel – and received a pair of booties from my fairy god mother earlier this year (read about it, click here). And Louis…oh Louis….I ran a marathon (yes a full fucking 26.2 miles) in a bet to obtain a Louis Vuitton purse (that saga will be posted another day).

In all of their black and white patent leather shine.

Caution: May cause an extreme strut.

Do you have a go-to shopping outfit?

Jeans. Always. In the winter, my kick-ass Coach motorcycle boots (waaaaay expensive but have worn approximately 268 days per year for the last five years. Worth it!). Summer time calls for Tory Burch flops (I scored at a deep discount shoe store).

In lieu of the old fashioned shit kickers, I've opted for "I think I can kick your ass" motorcycle boots.

My alternative shit kickers.

Look cute while side stepping the pig manure!

Tory Burch flip flops, $29.99.

What is your guilty pleasure?!

I’m a beauty product whore. I love trying new things – different colored lipsticks (love MAC pigments), eye shadows (Urban Decay is my fave brand), lip gloss (just found my new love that doubles as a lip stain as well as a gloss – LIP TAR), foundations (Too Faced BB Cream is my new fave and I adore Make Up For Ever HD foundation), nail polish (OPI, China Glaze are my faves)….this list could go on for days.

LIP TAR. 100% Vegan, cruelty free and one application lasts all day. Sephora,

LIP TAR. 100% vegan, cruelty free and one application lasts all day. Sold in sets or separately at Sephora.

hd foundation

Make Up For Ever HD foundation – complexion saver!

What is the one piece of clothing you can’t live without?

Jeans. Period.

Of course leopard jeans never hurt.

Of course leopard jeans never hurt.

Who is your style icon?

Gwen Stefani – love her L.A.M.B. line.

L.A.M.B. leather wrist watch purchased years ago at TJ Maxx for $89.99.

So there are my confessions. Guilty as charged!

CBXB

CBXB!

Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?

Do you have any idea how tough it is to show up to work and be requested to ride in a Rolls Royce?

Do you?

Rough ride in the Rolls Royce...

My chariot of the morning.

And, I assume you also have no clue how to carry on the facade of wealth while inside the insanely pimp ride. You must dress the part, of course – complete with riding gloves and a sparkly skull pinkie ring.

I'm rich, Bitch.

I’m rich, Bitch.

Oh Daaahling, do you know how good your feet feel when placed upon furry, plush, cashmere floor mats?

Cashmere Dahling!

Not a feature in your Ford Focus?

Can you imagine how difficult it is steering a wheel that probably costs as much as your college education?

Wheelin' and dealin'

Could most likely steer a spaceship on the moon.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to read a proper clock in an automobile? Do you?

blah blah

Who needs digital?

Now you know the difficulties of traveling in a Rolls.  You’re welcome. (I really wished I had a bottle of Grey Poupon for shits and giggles).

Upon reaching our destination, I picked out my next car (which in this case may be when I’m 188 years old due to how much money I will have to squander away). Here it is my perfect choice…

two toned/spunky/less normal

Rolls Royce body, with a black and silver finish…

with ferrari wheels

with Ferrari wheels…

with the Bentley two toned interior...too much to ask?!

and the Bentley two toned interior…too much to ask?!

Not for this high maintenance, broke ass, dreaming she’s rich bitch.

How high maintenance can this rich bitch be?

Not smiling makes you look wealthier, right?

The drive home from work is going to be oh-so-ordinary tonight.

Probably nothing a bottle of Grey Poupon can’t fix…

CBXB

CBXB!

How to Share a Toothbrush With Your Pussy

Teddy almost makes me keel over when he yawns stale duck food breath in my face every morning (I yawn right back into his whiskers).

February is National Pet Dental Health Month and while not every pet needs their teeth cleaned professionally my kit cat does. Ted is already high maintenance ($60 bags of allergy cat food) due to his neglect of his first hoarder owner (he was rescued in a one bedroom apartment with 30 cats).  Because my little furball didn’t receive the appropriate shots before being rescued, he’s susceptible to EVERYTHING, which is why I have to get his chompers cleaned every other year.

But what if you’re pinching pennies (like yours truly) and want to skip the vet? Simply leave your toothbrush out and let curiosity get the best of your cat.

I came into the bathroom one morning, seeing my curious kitty eyeing my toothbrush…

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Hmm…what kind of toy is this?

One lick was all it took before TB decided to chomp down on the minty brush.

blah

Feels so good when it hits the teeth!

Once he started, he couldn’t stop (just like me with a bag of Lay’s potato chips).

blah

Going deep for the back teeth.

Making sure I was watching him every. single. second.

blah

One Eyed Teddy.

He paid special attention to his front chompers, as they’re what appear first when yawning.

blah

Smile!

Concentration was required for the tongue brushing. Ted almost lost his balance and fell off the vanity (taking after his mother, he’s the clumsiest cat in all of Nashville).

Not forgetting his tongue

Tongue tied.

Mr. Bear kept smacking his lips until I started laughing at him.

So fresh and so clean clean.

So fresh and so clean clean.

Then he promptly turned into a cat and acted like the whole incident never happened.

Too cool for teeth.

Too cool for teeth.

I, too, acted like the whole incident never happened because after my shower, I accidentally used the feline molested toothbrush.

Can you get cat scratch fever from swapping spit with your cat?

Say it ain’t so…

CBXB

CBXB!

Trashtacular Treasures

When living on a tight budget, it can be hard to spread the kind of gift lovin’ you wish…like on birthdays.

Often I get creative (in my mind) and hope my thoughtfulness doesn’t come across as a cheap, tacky “why in the F did you give this to me” gift.

I designed the cake below for a former boss and fabulous friend who always used to demand (I kid! I kid! But she doesn’t read this, so I can say what I want) Diet Cokes 14 times per day. Hence the choice of beverage here (of course, if I made one for myself, it would have bottles of wine on the bottom, Captain Morgan bottles in the middle, topped off with vodka – but we’re not talking about me, so I digress).

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Perfect treat for a Diet Coke lover?

Here are the ‘ingredients’ for this cake…

1) Start with a 12 pack of the recipient’s favorite beverage (or beer/liquor if money is no object).

2) A fake silver platter (it really fancies up the look overall, yes?).

Can be found at a flea market or the Dollar Tree. Really fancies it up.

You can find this at a flea market or the Dollar Tree. And doubles as a pretty clear mirror.

3) Packing tape, duct tape and your choice of ribbon. (You could skip the duct tape but it really takes cake decorating to a whole new level).

here I go again with my duct tape...

To read about my obsession with duct tape, click here and here.

Start by arranging cans on the platter, secure with packing tape.

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Continue tiering to desired height, making sure packing tape is all over the place (making it feel more like a gift, for sure).

Diet Coke

This cake was going to a gal who loves black and white, hence the zebra print duct tape icing.

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The $6 trashtacular tiered treat.

This was a perfect way for me to bake. No dirty dishes. No recipe ingredients or steps I couldn’t decipher. And all done in about 20 minutes.

If cake baking isn’t for you, become a jewelry designer (and if you’re lucky, an overnight sensation).

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One of a kind piece.

Go to your local hardware store and purchase a plant chain (for around $2) and two plastic numbers (intended for the side of a house).  Small string, fishing line or wire will work to attach the number to the chain.

This priceless piece will cost you about $8 to concoct.

And voila! You’ll have one bewildered, amused (?) and possibly annoyed recipient!

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Wearin’ 50 well!

And that’s how you, too, can give a tad on the trashy side gift and still buy groceries for the week (or in my case Teddy’s prescription cat food).

Happy Birthday!

CBXB

CBXB!