Infrequently, I have moments of sheer genius.
Like when I saw Miley Cyrus gyrating against Robin Thicke at this year’s MTV Video Awards, I immediately knew what my cat (yes I said my cat) Teddy Bear and I were going to be for Halloween. Yep, I’m a genius (I mean, this is what all folks with cats do, right? RIGHT?).
But executing a brilliant idea isn’t always seamless. Especially when it involves adorning a feline in wardrobe and accessories. Maybe I’m not so clever after all…but by God, we made one handsome celebrity shit show when it was all said and done.
Teddy Krueger at his finest.
Before getting Ted all gussied up as slick Robin Thicke, I let him sniff out the elements of his dress (and of course I left out the teeny, tiny detail that he would be putting these threads on in the next few moments).
Something smells fishy.
After he thoroughly checked his garb, I whipped out what I thought would be a welcomed accessory.
WTF are those things?!
Mr. Bear morphed into Inspector Gadget as he took his sweet ass time getting acquainted with what would soon be perched on his furry face.
Bonding with the shades – or so I thought.
It was then that I announced my grand scheme of transforming TB into Teddy Thicke.
You want me to what?
If getting a cat to stay in a black and white striped suit (yep, I said suit) and staying still enough to pose with sunglasses on his nose, while trying to balance a foam finger and snap an in focus photo simultaneously were an Olympic event, I would have the gold, silver and bronze metals displayed in my mini-manse right now.
We started off with good vibes but Ted wasn’t feeling the coolness of the sunglasses (or the outfit…or the overall ridiculousness of his mother…or the fact that strips really aren’t flattering) upon the first click of the camera.
Done with the fun after take one.
Figuring out that movin’ and shakin’ would knock the despised eyewear off his face, Tedstar got down to business.
Ted almost gave himself whiplash trying to discard the shades.
Being the professional photographer that I am, the photo shoot kept going strong even with the divatude seething from my model.
Can you see TB’s tolerance level diminishing by the moment? Or the smoke coming out of his ears?
And then all hell broke loose as the little shit tried to undress himself right before my picture snapping eyes.
F this noise.
Luckily I got him under control but not before I almost lost my retina and permanent taste in my tongue all with one swipe of an extremely large paw adorned with razor-sharp talons (note to self – trim the bear’s nails prior to future photo shoots).
Showing me who’s really boss.
And with that, we were both in a state of shock. My brain couldn’t comprehend my little feline suddenly turning into a beast (I mean it’s just an outfit…and his entire evening…and completely embarrassing) while Ted was in a state of disbelief and disappointment that he missed both my eye and tongue.
It was then I decided to defuse the situation and let Mr. Bear murder his overly loathed accessory.
SUCK IT sunglasses!
Die bitch, die!
But with all of his efforts, the sunglasses remained in mint condition.
How could this be?!
When TB lost interest in trying to dismember the shades, I broke the news that we’d be doing this all over again ’til we got our money shot.
SON OF A BITCH.
And money shot we got.
I’m just sleeping with one eye open now.