Weekend Winks – Rapegate, Pool Parties and Fang Fingers

You guys really know how to help a gal when she’s down and out! The overflowing abundance of support from my Rapegate post restored any questionable faith in humanity I may have had prior to posting. Not only was writing about the trauma cathartic for me, as now the matter is out in the open and I can talk about it, but also I didn’t expect the feelings of relief – conflicted with a little bit of fear when I hit the ‘publish’ button on the post.

What’s a gal who likes to celebrate do with mixed emotions and feelings of waves as large of a tsunami? She cracks open a bottle of champs given to her by gal pal Saving Grace (I was saving it for a momentous occasion – and this felt like one) while bawling and laughing at the same time. Yes, I’m still a hot mess.

Cheers to the release of yesteryear! Oh, and of course, FUCK 2016.

The outpouring of your support – my army that each and every one of you reading right now is a part of – lifted me up so high, so fast I just can’t thank you enough for the kind words, comments, messages, cards, letters, sharing of your own traumas, calls, texts and visits. While I might be Captain Sparkly Pants, you all have been nothing short of soldiers supporting one of their own. For that, I thank the fuck out of you.

Every single portion of Rapegate has been riddled with road bumps. So it’s onward and upward as I move forward, navigating unknown terrain even to my Sex Crimes Detective. We’ll get that worked out, I’m sure.

The wrong woman was fucked. Literally and figuratively.

Warm fuzzies are creeping back into the cracks of my emotions. My heart swelled a little when my phone reminded me over the weekend of cherished moments my sister and Gma shared on the last days of our grandma’s life. Of course, I had a picture of my stank-eyed pussy Ted, too, from that day.

Three of my favorite peeps still today.

When I texted the photos to my sister, we talked about how fast it’s gone – feeling like maybe it should be the first year.

It’s true. In two years, our extended family has gone through two divorces, a birth (yay!), rape (that’d be mine), cancer (that’d be Aunt Crazy Pants), a cross-country move for a cousin….just to name a few.

While reminiscing over the last two years, Facebook had an amusing memory from five years ago of Dada CBXB and I having a patio party, after we’d done some planting (in pots, to which didn’t make of course).

Funny, we already had plans to ‘decorate’ my mini manse loggia (fancy word I learned from a previous, rich employer that means back porch as I kept saying back porch and she kept correcting me that it was a loggia). So we hit up the flower hot spot for ferns, all pink flowers and some sort of palm thing that is going to go great with my pink flamingo (of course a gal like me has plant accessories before the actual plant).

Green thumbs galore.

Because that thirty minutes was so exhausting, we spent the rest of the day playing at the pool.

Fun fun in the sun.

My favorite pussy also likes to relax in the rays but I just can’t help myself and have to take a picture. This is always the glare I get when I get caught mid snap.

Resting bitchy face with a case of the side eye.

Wanna know what those two Iowa twins are up to? Well, first off they have graduated from pre-school.

Get out the caps and gowns.

Naturally, this meant celebrating was in order and they didn’t hate one minute of it.

Starting with snow cones.

Celebration splash pad style.

Their parents even took them to see where it all began. At the bar in Iowa City, where my sister approached her future husband at the very booth below for a cigarette (obviously the trashtacular classiness runs in the family). He didn’t smoke (neither did she) but it all worked out and here we are today…

Taking it back to where all of the magic began.

Being that they’d visited a festival, Princess B had to get her face painted – and clearly thought it was poorly done as you can see from the photo below.

Hello gorgeous.

Graduating from pre-school also calls for dessert.

Sweets for the sweets.

Dessert that was good to the last drop.

Yep. Definitely takes after her aunt CBXB.

Something else seeping back in through the cracks of this gal is nail painting and t-shirt bedazzling. Nashville’s NHL team, the Nashville Predators have made it to the Stanley Cup finals (for those of you who don’t know hockey – it’s like the Superbowl. For those of you who don’t know what that is, just look at the nails and sparkly shirt below) for the first time ever in our franchise’s history. I joined in on the fanfare with Predator colored nails and blinged up a shirt to boot.

Fang Fingers is what the crowd does here in Nashville when the opposing team has to go to the penalty box. They play the music from the shower scene in Psycho and fans seriously stand there and move two fingers from both hands in a clawing motion. We may look like ass clowns but we don’t care. Also, I was so pumped to get this shirt because aside from getting to see our mascot Gnash come down from the ceiling before every game, I can’t ever wait to do Fang Fingers.

All out sparkle for my fave Cinderella NHL team.

The Predators were on no one’s radar and have had the heart, fight and spirit of Nashville behind them. For real, the entire city could not be more proud. This is a photo of the main artery in Nashville on game day. It stemmed from the stadium with an overflow of people who couldn’t get in to the game (due to the insane ticket prices) down ten blocks to the river. Not to mention the packed bars and restaurants.

Game day in Smashville.

While the Preds are behind in the series 2-1, you can help cheer them on with me at 7pm CST on NBCSN.  They whooped some ass on Saturday with final score being 5-1. Badasses.

Speaking of badass, here’s how I pumped up my mental state closing out the weekend.

The inner badass is coming back…

You guys are my badasses. My army of badasses. I love each and every one of you.

Hooah!

CBXB

CBXB!

Confessions of a Shopaholic

The fabulous Marisa from Wear Your Vitamins (go check her blog out now – great make up application tips, healthy alternatives and honest reviews on beauty products) tagged me in Confessions of a Shopaholic, which is a fun little cyber game of tag. So here we go…

Do you consider yourself a shopaholic?

Oh hells to tha yes! While I lack the dough to be a bona-fide shopaholic, I love digging for a bargain on sales racks, TJ Maxx, Target and mostly my favorite department store ever, Von Maur.

Shopping the sales rack success!

Success shopping the sales rack!

How would you classify your style?

Fuchsia. Sequins. Skulls. Leopard. Gaudy. Flamboyant. Rocker. Edgy. Jeans. Heels. Flashy, not trashy (although others would probably BEG to differ).

Girls night out attire.

Girls night out attire. Express jeans, $19.99. Target top, $17.99.

Juicy Couture collared striped shirt, $34.99.  Skull and crossbones patch purchased at Michael's, $2.99.  You don't have to be a sewing expert to adhere spice up your wardrobe. The patch shown is an iron on and takes less than five minutes to complete!

Juicy Couture collared striped shirt, $34.99. Skull and crossbones patch purchased at Michael’s, $2.99.

Who's afraid of a sequin pant? Not me!

Who’s afraid of a sequin pant? Not me! Express pant, $24.99.

Leopard 'n' Shine

Leopard print beneath clear sequins? Um, yes please! Target dress, $34.99.

What store can you not leave without buying something from?

Target. Hands down. Whether it’s shampoo, a greeting card, a Mossimo black tank (a staple in my wardrobe) or a banana. I rarely leave without a bag (which is really doing me a favor because I need plastic bags in order to scoop Ted’s litter pan. Two birds, one stone people!).

Where do you find your best deals?

Sales, sales, sales! Macy’s, Target, Von Maur, TJ Maxx, Express.

What designer are you willing to splurge on?

It’s a three-way between Alexander McQueen, Chanel and Louis Vuitton. McQ is all about the skulls baby (I feel like the designs were sometimes created with yours truly in mind – as if). I also crave the luxury and glamour of Chanel – and received a pair of booties from my fairy god mother earlier this year (read about it, click here). And Louis…oh Louis….I ran a marathon (yes a full f’n 26.2 miles) in a bet to obtain a Louis Vuitton purse (that saga will be posted another day).

In all of their black and white patent leather shine.

Caution: May cause an extreme strut.

Do you have a go-to shopping outfit?

Jeans. Always. In the winter, my kick-ass Coach motorcycle boots (waaaaay expensive but have worn approximately 268 days per year for the last five years. Worth it!). Summer time calls for Tory Burch flops (I scored at a deep discount shoe store).

In lieu of the old fashioned shit kickers, I've opted for "I think I can kick your ass" motorcycle boots.

My alternative shit kickers.

Look cute while side stepping the pig manure!

Tory Burch flip flops, $29.99.

What is your guilty pleasure?!

I’m a beauty product whore. I love trying new things – different colored lipsticks (love MAC pigments), eye shadows (Urban Decay is my fave brand), lip gloss (just found my new love that doubles as a lip stain as well as a gloss – LIP TAR), foundations (Too Faced BB Cream is my new fave and I adore Make Up For Ever HD foundation), nail polish (OPI, China Glaze are my faves)….this list could go on for days.

LIP TAR. 100% Vegan, cruelty free and one application lasts all day. Sephora,

LIP TAR. 100% vegan, cruelty free and one application lasts all day. Sold in sets or separately at Sephora.

hd foundation

Make Up For Ever HD foundation – complexion saver!

What is the one piece of clothing you can’t live without?

Jeans. Period.

Of course leopard jeans never hurt.

Of course leopard jeans never hurt.

Who is your style icon?

Gwen Stefani – love her L.A.M.B. line.

L.A.M.B. leather wrist watch purchased years ago at TJ Maxx for $89.99.

Below are my tags – if you’re not listed and want to play, consider yourself tagged and join in on the fun.

Tag you’re it!

Enchanted Seashells

Love Your Clothes, Love Yourself

Sechys Diary

Sweenee Style

Bewitchery

Here are the questions for you to copy and paste.

Do you consider yourself a shopaholic?

How would you classify your style?

What store can you not leave without buying something from?

Where do you find your best deals?

What designer are you willing to splurge on?

Do you have a go-to shopping outfit?

What is your guilty pleasure?!

What is the one piece of clothing you can’t live without?

Who is your style icon?

So there are my confessions. Guilty as charged!

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Birthday Style!

Pre-birthday Nashville shenanigans all weekend long!

Bad birthday hair cover-up.

Brunch with my gal pal Coco at my own personal Cheers bar, Dalts.

blah

What’s a brunch without a mimosa?

Coco gave me a gift that I will put to very good use…

heaaven!

A pink sparkly flask, perfect for my bathroom bartending!

When dessert came and we didn’t have a candle, my ever ready pal had the next best thing in her purse – a match.

No candle? no prob!

No candle? No prob! We tried to inadvertently burn Dalts down.

I returned from brunch to one of the best birthday cards ever from my Mama.

Well, frankly my dear...

Well, frankly my dear…

Saturday night party time with one of my fave couples…

blah

CBXB party with the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs.

Many toasts took place…

blah

Skinny Pirates for me while watching March Madness.

I was presented with a gluten-free chocolate chip mini bundt cake, which I immediately felt the need to take a bite of at the bar.

Cake can't wait

Keeping it classy, as always.

After a few cocktails, it only seemed reasonable to pose for pics with jazz hands. My show choir teacher would be so proud to know that I’m keeping her legacy alive.

Jazz hands!

You’re welcome Mrs. White.

While drinking at the bar, why would it make sense to put the glass of rum up to your mouth when you can bend all the way over and take a drink? Well it didn’t, obviously.

drining the same way

Look Ma, no hands!

What goes better together than drinks and shopping while supporting a fabulous cause?  Cute girls selling t-shirts for cancer came through the bar and while I might have been happy enough buying the entire bar t-shirts, I limited myself to just one.

blah

F Cancer! The proceeds of this tee go to prostate cancer research.

Saturday night festivities led to Ted and I eating the rest of my birthday bundt cake in bed Sunday morning, while watching our favorite Bravo show with Andy Cohen.

Lazy Sunday

Lazy Sunday

My girl Tiss Face read about my want of a overly priced bag last week – and look what she found for my birthday in an alley of LA! (I hope she didn’t have to perform alley tricks to purchase the bag…)

love

$20 for this fabulousness!

After Sunday afternoon hot yoga (I needed to ‘cleanse’ my pores after the Saturday festivities), I treated myself to my favorite Pei Wei snack – Vietnamese chicken salad rolls.

blah

Afternoon delight.

Then promptly went home and planted it on the couch, napping and waking up to this in my face.

Willing me to wake up from nap

Willing me to wake up with an icy ‘feed me right now’ stare.

And if you’re looking for any last-minute gift ideas (and no, it’s not Frank Shirley with a big red ribbon on his head), here’s one…a diamond Chanel J12 watch.  I’m sure the entire blogging universe would have to kick in a year’s salary each to afford the damn thing but still, wouldn’t it look fabulous on my arm?

heaven

If you’re interested in finding out how much this baby costs (I’m not) – (800) 550-0005.

What’s a birthday without decor? I’m dining off my favorite napkins today.

blah

It’s what any good birthday gal does.

Can you tell I hate the day I was born?

CBXB

CBXB!

Matchy Mani

Ever try to coordinate your mani to whatever it is you’re doing with your hands?

Me either. But as I was trying to find something to wrap my nails around while showcasing this week’s mani-festation, I got all matchy-matchy with my beverages and fruit.

Beverage

Accessorizing with Diet Coke.

I used two coats of OPI’s Dear Santa and tipped my nails off in Chanel’s Black Satin (which was the last and final time I’ll be able to get any polish out of the luxurious bottle. Sniff. Sniff).

match

So long Chanel!

An apple a day keeps your mani at bay. Right?

An apple a day keeps your mani at bay. Right?

Annoying? Yes. Fabulous? Always.

CBXB

CBXB!

Do These Boots Make My Calves Look Fat?

Why yes, yes they do.

Living in Nashville the closest department store we have that could be called semi-chic would be our teeny, tiny Nordstrom. While visiting Miami, I got giddy (like leave nose and finger prints on the outside glass window giddy) as I perused the luxury stores at the Bal Harbor Shops.  When I sat down to try on upscale (compared to my Nine West usuals) boots, I felt like Cinderella getting to try on fancy footwear I drool over online.

After about three seconds, I found my fairy tale boots.

Oh Baby

Oh yeah. I’m in Bal Harbor, pawing every boot in sight!

Oh the highly coveted red soles....sigh.

Oh the highly coveted red soles….sigh.

Then I slid my foot in, expecting for my life to be suddenly transformed when I zipped them up and strut about the store. And that’s when the storybook magic abruptly stopped.

So you're sayin' there's a chance?

The life changing moment.

And, my life was transformed. I discovered I had fat calves from f’ing running up Nashville hills and these boots would only zip for a rich, skinny calf. Now I was the ugly step sister, not Cinderella.

I wish I didn't run hills.

Look how far the zipper is from closing!

The clock didn’t even need to strike midnight before my boot dreams were dashed.

rats

Turning to pumpkins before my very eyes!

But never fear, my ultra generous Fairy Godmother appeared! And after a wave of her wand, I was gifted these fabulous, non-calf-discriminating boots (which are beyond gorgeous and way more my speed than the knee-high (or what I call hooker) boots)!

They look so good outside of my Laundry Wing

Thank God my ankles are skinny!

And poof!  I was transformed into the Belle of Chanel.

Now how do I ration calories from my calves?

Seriously. How?

CBXB

CBXB!

Cray Cray Chanel Lady

Everyone wishes for a Fairy Godmother (FGM).  Just so happens that I’m lucky enough to have one!

One of my bestie bloggers, Enchanted Seashells (who hilariously called me out in one of her posts yesterday – click here for a must read!) has a gorge Chanel purse.  When she spoke about it on her blog,  I could hardly wait for her to show the goods (and then turn green with envy) when she got her bag.  So when she caught wind of what I received, I told her I’d share, too!

And courtesy of my FGM (who’s celebrating her birthday today!), here’s what recently appeared at my front door step…..Swoon. Sigh. Squeal!

hello gorgeous

The Mother of all boxes.

Most normal women dream of a white dress and a wedding aisle in order to sprint down to a groom.  Not me.  I’ve often dreamed about obtaining a luxury shoe and slipping it on my foot – comparable to a Cinderella moment.  Or maybe a Pretty Woman moment (without the prostitute part and all).

sleep tight

Bootie bags!

And out of the box, the most beautiful Chanel booties appeared.

hello!

Hello Lovah!

My friend P suggested that I get a shadow box in order to display them because they really are that gorgeous AND foot ‘art’.  Of course, I want to bedazzle a frame to put in my closet allowing them to ‘hang’ while they’re off-duty (which will be very minimal).

In all of their black and white patent leather shine.

Shine on!

Who would have thought interlocking C’s could fill a gal with glee?!

Yeah, that’s Chanel, bitch.

So now my evenings consist of hurrying home from work, laying on the kitchen floor with my legs over my head taking pictures (exciting life, I know) of my oh-so-fabulous patent leather Chanel booties.

They look so good outside of my Laundry Wing

Lookin’ good outside of my laundry wing.

And then I prance around my mini-manse in my vintage (it was my mom’s in college) tuxedo T-shirt (so dressy) and booties, like any sane person would do.  A fancy brand of boots can up the class of any outfit but it apparently doesn’t guarantee adding class to the gal.

So am I now a Cray Cray Chanel Lady as well as a Crazy Cat Lady?

Even Teddy is enamoured with my new kicks.

Paws off!

Chanel inspected, Teddy approved.  Of course he approved – I’ve groomed him well.

CCheers to my FGM! (yes the double C was on purpose).

CBXB