My Pussy, the Bitch

Teddy Bear can really be a little bitch sometimes.

Missing man.

Worse than a junior high school girl hitting puberty.

And now that Ted has a partner in crime – New Cat – they can be such little bitches together.

Two times the trouble.

Two times the trouble.

The past few weeks, I might as well be getting up to nurse a fucking newborn because Mr. Bear starts meowing (in which he sounds like a tiny sheep) around 3am.

Then he comes in a little closer to the bed at 3:04 am.

A little louder and just out of arm’s reach at 3:07am.

I put the pillow over my head, turn my sound machine up and all of a sudden my little sheep cat is roaring his head off like a lion.



Then, because he idolizes his big bro, NC starts chiming in and together they sound like a jacked up version of a church choir.

And then bitches about it.

NOT pitch perfect.

When Tedstar first started doing this, I’d get my ass up to coax him back to bed but he wanted to play chase. Such fun every night at 3:13am.  I would go to pick him up and he’d run (for what seemed like his life – I might as well have been threatening to de-claw him with pliers) under the kitchen table. As soon as I’d crouch down by the table, he’d race into the bathroom behind the toilet, and so on…therefore, I started to ignore him.  Because he’s really just seeing if I will get up and give into him, right?

I never ever ever ever ever give in to this face. Ever.

I never ever, ever, ever, ever give in to this face.

Well, this bitch means business. So much so, I was considering how to reupholster a section of my vintage sofa that used to belong to my Gma.  As I was getting my beauty sleep amid the white noise of my sound machine (on the highest volume setting) TB was up to no good (with assistance by Mr. Tuxedo, I’m sure).

Teddy Krueger’s version of a temper tantrum.

Of course I couldn’t find the little shits when I discovered this treasure and racked my brain contemplating how to patch this corner (the front, exposed so everyone can see it corner, naturally).  And I came up with a solution that fit right in with my eclectic, budget conscious household. Duct tape.

Leopard duct tape.

Growing up, I my dad taught me that duct tape can fix anything (even your big, fat glasses in 3rd grade. You simply put the duct tape over the piece that snapped off, which in my case was right in the middle, where the glasses sit on one’s nose and pretend as if nothing is wrong. Which is why much to my delight, I was nicknamed Ducky. Kids are so sweet).

Hello Gorgeous

Pre-Ducky break.

In my current case, applying my father’s knowledge, I found leopard duct tape and ‘reupholstered’ the corner of my couch.

Cheapest (and probably cheapest looking) DIY job ever! But it does the trick.

The $4 duct tape fix. Dad’s practical solution!

In reality, Teddy was just trying to help me spruce up my space a tad. Because once he got his claw stuck in the duct tape, he never set his sights on my couch again.

Oh, and those 3am wake up cries? Seems the cats were needing food, as I was forgetting to feed them before bed (guess this would be why I don’t have kids).

So now, I feed the damn pussies at night and all of my furniture has remained in tact.

For now.