Weekend Winks – Hot in Herre

Gangsta Glory

CBXB gangsta glory.

Heading to a Nelly show this past weekend called for some extreme primping measures. Band aids, crowns and an overload of vodka did the trick.

Turning water into vodka. modern day Jesus.

My modern-day Jesus – turning water into vodka.

Wouldn’t be a road trip without a roadie now would it?

Keeping it Iowan.

No one drinks like an Iowa girl.

Of course we needed a bathroom break halfway through our hour long journey and loaded up on liquids and napkins (you know, in case of sloppy accidents in the car).

Napkin Queens bouquet of napkins

Napkin Queens at your service.

Royalty, Bithes Two front row didn't get close mouth memo

Me and the rest of my heathens.

While we were in attendance to see Florida Georgia Line, I couldn’t help but be a tad more excited to see Nelly, who was the opening act. And if you’re sitting there wondering why in the hell Nelly was opening for a country duo, together they had a gigantic hit last summer called, “Cruise.” And yes, the crowd was a terribly interesting mix of red necks, hip hop lovers and idiot college kids with their pants down to their ankles. Luckily for me, I have a big ass and wear skinny jeans, so no worries about my rear hanging out, FYI.

While here to see FL GA Line

Let the good times roll.

This chick and I busted a move to the front row to see our fave rapper.

These two dames were front and center for...

My boss’s work wife and real life wife. Holla!

Nelly

Andele andele mami, E I E I – Uh oh!

Nelly

Hot in…so hot in here….

It got so hot I nearly lost my band aid.

It got so hot I nearly lost my band-aid.

It got so hot for Nelly that he really lost his shirt.

It got so hot for Nelly that he really lost his shirt.

And I about lost my damn mind.

And I about lost my damn mind.

Being that I was able to keep all of my clothes on while oogling Nelly (who very clearly needs to work out), I worked up quite a thirst and almost started crying tears of joy upon seeing my new favorite place on earth.

In order to cool off for the ride home...Thirsty

Late night liquor store drive thru.

Not only able to dispense booze out of a window, they also happily cooled us down with a bag of ice.

Ice!

Heaven.

Chilling myself down enough to sleep off my Friday fun, I awoke to bright smiles from the Iowa twins on Saturday.

Keeping it cute in Iowa

Gigi, Princess B and Gma keeping it cute.

Prince B keeping it suave

Prince B is clearly a little stud in the making.

Trying out new spots in Nashville on Saturday night, I found my dream bathroom vanity full of nothing but glaringly bright lights and therefore held a brief photo shoot, like every other grown ass woman doesn’t do in between other restroom visitors.

Lights! Lights! Me!

Lights! Lights! Me!

It was a gorgeous sunset and my annoying ass inserted my gigantic noggin into the photo trying to be captured.

Photo-boming my own city

Photo-boming my own city.

Sunday called for a lazy day at a fancy schmancy hotel pool, where I busted a move to my personal ghetto blaster.

Personal boom box

Still listening to Nelly.

It was extremely hard to move from the lounge chair at the end of the day but the appearance of hotel staff closing down the pool made it easier.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

It was time to go anyhow because aside from my two monster fur balls awaiting my arrival, I recently acquired five new babies.

The two pussies.

Get your ass home. We’re hungry. And need to punish you for being absent.

A bird has been baking five little eggs since Memorial Day weekend on my mini manse porch.

Nesting

Cute as Cadbury eggs.

And now I am the proud foster mom to five baby birds who cheep, cheep, cheep constantly in unison while their mama bird seems to bring them endless bites of food.

Crazy bird lady

Just as demanding as my two pussies.

I’m slowly turning into this…

Yes. Modeled after yours truly

Modeled after yours truly.

Only my action figure should probably read Cray Cray Animal Lady since I’ve recently rescued a cat, a tick and now, these birds.

Help…

CBXB

CBXB!

 

How to be Almost Famous on a Cruise

Oh spring break how I miss you.

Not me right now.

Not me right now.

It seems just about everyone I know is packing up and heading to a warm, sunny, sandy, cocktail filled destination at the moment. So while sitting on the porch at my Nashville mini manse with an umbrella shoved into my Skinny Pirate, bird shit under my feet and last summer’s failed flower attempts rotting away in their pretty pots reminiscing on past vacations, I got a fresh email from Carnival Cruise Lines (rub it in my face whydontcha?).

Oh the joys of porch sitting.

How we feel about winters that last too long with no spring break.

Upon being reminded that I won’t be sailing away on a fun ship anytime soon, I decided revisiting a vacay with you would put a little pep in my spring step and give you tips for trashtactic hilarity on a boat.

First, one must kick the trip off with a photo bomb.

Sweet Nana just wanted a photo with her daughters for a holiday card…too bad. We were the last group to get on board and my attempt at a successful bomb even made the photographer giggle after his other 1,998 snapshots.

Last but not least ruining a Christmas card.

Upon boarding the ship, you must rush to your room and make sure the liquor mouthwash you carefully packed (even reattaching the tamper seal with super glue…yep I’m that classy!) did not get confiscated from luggage (God forbid any extra money is spent aboard the ship).

Mouthwash at its finest. Best mouthwash ever.

Mouthwash at its finest.

Next, you must check out the personalized party favors gifted from the gang you’re traveling with…thus finding out where you rank popularity-wise (don’t get your hopes up too high). Our party received tanks with nick names listed on the back (I loathe wearing matching giddy-ups but have no shame) as well as personalized drinking glasses.

The problem? My name isn’t Morgan.

Obviously my drinking reputation preceded my appearance on the boat.

To ease your mother’s worried mind, send her a picture of yourself ensuring the height of the cabin deck railings will prevent you from falling overboard into the sea (she was seriously concerned about this taking place – but in her defense I once fell down every single step at the Lincoln Memorial on a class trip).

Look Ma, no hands!

It would take waaaaay too much effort for me to hoist myself over. Plus, I don’t want to get my hair wet. Priorities, yo.

To make your trip above and beyond entertaining, you should seek out the loudest, crudest, funniest, could-give-a-rat’s-ass ladies (one of their crew experienced boat jail before even stepping aboard the ship because she forgot she had bullets in her purse…you know in between her moonshine and tampons) to be your cruise BFFs, calling attention to every single thing you do.

Lost in the bullet offender's bosom.

Quietly lost in the bullet offender’s bosom before a photo op.

Decible breaking

The unabashedly trashy, thunderous, photo loving group.

Having boisterous new pals will make complete strangers come up and want pictures taken with you. Below is my newly acquired bestie, who wanted her picture taken with “crazy girl” (shockingly her words, not mine). She introduced herself as Old Fart, naturally.

Craziness with an Old Fart.

I also suggest adopting a cruise pet to keep you mind off your little fur ball anxiously awaiting your return home. I took an adorable pigeon under my drunken wing, trying to coax him to perch upon my finger by tossing coconut breading his way. As the bird gobbled up the goods I kept scaring the bejesus out of him while trying to shove my digit under his talons.

Pigeon on my finger fail.

To really up the ante and make a famous ass of yourself on a cruise, get tipsy (because it’s raining and you have nothing else to do all day long but guzzle libations).

Touchdown!

When it rains, I pour.

Then while making your way to the bathroom, get motivated to stop and dance with a lone stranger (she was having her own fun, so I needed to crash her party) on the slippery deck to the sweet sounds of Hall & Oates.

The unsuspecting crowd.

A rainy deck full of eyes about to be on yours truly.

Because you’ll be dancing as if no one was watching (like, you know 902 eyeballs) be sure you still have your swimsuit on at 11pm for the complete effect (because rainy days call for swimsuits and no wardrobe changes) as you act like you’ve never pranced around in your damn life.

Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Celebrating my mad non-rhythmic, making-an- ass-of-myself skills.

All of your dancing nonsense will not only garner you endless stares from passengers the next day, it will also grant you first place in a very special contest. I woke up to this on our cabin door the following morning…

YES! I WON! Wait…

All in all if you follow my steps carefully, you will have a hazy recollection of a fun, eventful, laugh-’til-you-throw-up kinda cruise (or spring break). And you really won’t care that you made an ass of yourself (provided you drink all of your liquor mouthwash).

Ships ahoy!

CBXB

CBXB!