One More Time, Mom

My beloved Aunt Crazy Pants passed away after a valiant fight against terminal lung cancer (after never smoking a goddamn cigarette in her life). By the time cancer was found through an unrelated surgery, it had already spread everywhere but her brain and she was given six months to a year to live last summer. Well, being a feisty little bitch, she survived with cancer 370 days.

Beat cancer for five extra days. Suck it.

Family and friends gathered to give life stealing cancer the middle finger, celebrating ACP with her favorite cocktails of Gin Rickeys, Black Velvet and margaritas.

Gin Rickeys all around.

Sharing stories of peeing our pants over shit she would say or do (when she literally shit her pants – like during a shopping trip at Target with her mom once. I just got an eye roll (sorry Gma) and a belly laugh (you’re welcome ACP) from the sky), witnessing tears running down her leg from laughing so hard and generally remembering the spirit this woman, mother, daughter, sister, crazy fun aunt and loyal friend to countless people sprinkled throughout our lives.

To say there’s a hole in my soul doesn’t do it justice, as my aunt was like a mother to me and I take after her in many lovely ways.

What I do know is:

I will carry on her klutziness (I fell into her closet after getting out of her bed the day after the funeral).

We also ruin phones the same. She dropped hers in a toilet, I run my over with cars. It’s a special talent.

I carry her ability to get tongue tied at any given moment (I asked a male co-worker at a new job if “these are the size of rubbers you wanted” – I forgot the word band after rubber).

Did I seriously say that?!

I have the ease of her unabashed bluntness and no fear of confrontation (she deemed me the biggest bitch of the family before she passed. I know, so sweet).

Wanna hear it or not, we tell it like it is.

I will honor her by eating double what I normally do during trips to the Iowa State Fair.

Two for me.

Being a crazy aunt is something I’m already all over.

Or rather, they’re all over me.

I was born with her dramatic flair for life, so that torch was lit long ago within me.

Jazz hands for life.

While it’s important to remember that when someone may no longer be among us on earth, our relationship with them can still exist, it’s also important to remember the quality of life given during an especially grueling battle with cancer. ACP’s youngest son R. Nasty made sacrifices I can’t say many young adults his age – let alone any adult – would do to care for his dying mother. I mean before being diagnosed with cancer, she was already the most dramatic woman on the planet (like bitching about “having” to pack to go to Hawaii – or any other fabulous destination…yeah, poor thing), so you can imagine the sheer joy the magnification of her theatrics became.

Flair for fun dramatics.

R. Nasty moved in with his mom (all young men’s dream come true) being closest in proximity and able to make accommodations to do so, while his other brothers and extended family lived further away.

All other Bros and Hos live far away.

He answered every time she hollered with a patient, “yes Mother,” sauntered into her room after every bell ring (a sound that will surely haunt him for the rest of his days), removed an ice cube each time he accidentally put four instead of three into her water and endless other duties that come along with caring for a cancer patient.

The true meaning of ‘got your back’.

My point is, this dude is a fucking saint. Throughout all the treatment routines, doctor’s appointments, therapy, surgeries, etc, ACP’s absolute favorite time was watching The Late Show with Stephen Colbert with R. Nasty every weeknight. Even if she dozed off in the evening as she got more cancer riddled, she wanted to be woken up to watch Stephen Colbert with her son.

Wake me up before you go go!

In the evening on August 31, 2017 my feisty aunt was taken from home hospice to the hospital. That night, as the end was drawing near, the room full of family was clearing out and R. Nasty leaned in and said, “We’re going to watch Stephen Colbert one more time, Mom.” And that they did. She died at 3am on Friday, September 1st, 2017.

While we’ve partied in every way possible in honor of Aunt Crazy Pants’ love of life, I’d like to acknowledge the sacrifices her son made so selflessly. When asked about it he always says (and still does), “it’s my honor to take care of my mother.”

                 

I hope my cats step up to the plate like that for me when the time comes.

Yeah…I’m fucked.

Cheers to the craziest fun aunt I got to call mine. We all miss you something terrible.

Life already isn’t the same.

I love you.

CBXB

 

How to Rescue a Pussy!

Last week I told you about a babysitting post I found from a hillbilly named Daryhul (in his own words, Bibbysiter Avaelable) on Craigslist (click here to view entire ad). While Daryhul seemed to lack the skills and expertise of grammar, spelling and the ability to use his brain, I thought I’d give him a whirl in watching my fur ball Teddy B. because the dude looked like so much fun (plus, I needed time away from unpacking my new mini manse).

All aboard to Daryhul's house (or rather, shack).

All aboard to Daryhul’s house (or rather, shack).

I mean, how could Ted not be happy residing in the bib of these overalls?

Look kids, no hands.

Snug as a bug in a…well, maybe not rug but scratchy denim material.

Apparently Mr. Bear didn’t agree and sent psychic signals to his buddies Zak, Roxy and Moe who we sometimes read about on our buddy David A. Vudragovich’s blog. Here’s what David had to say about his attempts at rescuing Ted from Daryhul’s bib overalls…

Teddy’s Great Rescue!

So our hero Teddy the Magnificent (close resemblance to stunt double in picture below) has been left at the craigslist.com Bibbysiter! GASP! THE HORROR!

what we are trying to save Teddy from...but since this image was on google images...we may already be too late!

What we are trying to save Teddy from…but since this image was on Google images…we may already be too late!

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One of his nine lives dangerously close to being stored in overalls while his human was off enjoying too many blue mason jars with Kitty, Muffy and Ellie Mae!

And this is where you join the story.

Cowboys and Crossbones (CBXB) has offered to let me finish Teddy, the Supreme Fluffy’s story and daring rescue, which will involve my three feline masters (yes, I admit, I live to serve the fuzzy ones, thank you for the swats)!

I have known CBXB for a bit here and I know I need to have some dramatic flair to be worthy of Teddy’s approval!

So I was going to have my three Katz bust out the heavy-duty powers of the Gods (actually just Zeus) but…I think there will be too much static in the air and I am sure you know what that does to fur! Plus their little noses will get shocked, completely unacceptable.

From Google Images (Just to kitten cute)

From Google images (Just too kitten cute)!

So what to do? What other strategy is there?

I GOT IT! I can let my Kitdies (you know a combo of kitten and kiddies?) CHARGE right in! Just ignore the writing on the picture and think “CHARGE FOR TEDDY!”

Scout fartBut my three run at different speeds and there are four Katz in the photo so everything is just so wrong!

Things are starting to look desperate for Mr. Ted!

CBCB Teddy

Then I had a thought!

We can drive to Nashville and rescue the fellow Blogger Kitten from the overall clutches of Daryhul!

From Google Images

                                From Google Images

But there was still some kat nip in their systems from last night’s party and they know not to drive under the influence!

So in the end this is what happened:2013-01-12 03.12.35

Zak scowled at me for not being a better story writer.

2013-01-16 04.46.41Roxy hid in the back of the cabinet so she would not end up in overalls too!

2013-01-14 19.38.19

And Moe played spooky kat and watched me fail as a kat rescue planner (good thing I have my day job as an insurance agent to fall back on).

So I think Teddy will just have to wait for Cowboys and Crossbones to return with her friends, from being on the prowl (watch out guys), and pick him up tomorrow.

Thank you for reading and send kat nip laced thoughts to Teddy!
Dave
Logo jpeg

UPDATE!

I’m sure you’re wondering how this all ended for Teddy…

WTF were you thinking? I KNOW.

WTF were you thinking? I HATE YOU!

Yeah, it’s safe to say we won’t be using Daryhul’s bibbysitting talents anytime soon.

And I will be paying for my lapse in judgement for the next five months…

CBXB

CBXB!