Apparently being traumatized by another human being in a life altering event makes one feel the need to buy love. For me, acquiring affection isn’t in the form of old-fashioned hookers or new-fashioned Bumble (seriously, what is that?) but through the purchase of pussies. Three too many of them.
You see Mama CBXB thought it’d be a good idea to get my thoughts on something other than an ongoing police case, the fact I have no employment, the furball love of my life Ted developed a serious heart condition within two weeks and wanted to provide me some light life focus.
So she decided to buy me a kitten.
How can you say no to this face? You don’t.
First, I was leery. I mean Teddy is used to being the main attraction of all things CBXB (even though he shared the spotlight with our dearly departed, highly annoying but oh-so-loved New Cat for a bit). With that in mind, it was still end of story when we entered Pet Smart on what just happened to be National Adoption Weekend.
How much is that pussy in the window?
It didn’t take long for me to warm up to the idea.
Upon putting my hand in a pile of young pussies, I pulled out a sweet faced baby who was already dubbed Elsa. Being that the Iowa twins favor that princess most, I fell in love and this kitten hit the jackpot. All I needed to do was check the fuck out with my newest family member.
No name change for the Princess.
But then I stood up and was met with piercing green eyes peering out of a cage, staring so hard through my soul I could almost feel the two holes burned into my forehead.
You know you want me too.
I just had to get into the cage to see what was going on with this emerald eyed monster who immediately head butted my face, accompanied by a swift lick when I tried to crawl into the metal house with her.
Hi there. Care if I join?
Turns out this black beauty had an extremely shy brother sleeping in the back of the cage who wasn’t adapting well to being in a rescue. These four-year-old siblings were surrendered by some asswipe who decided they couldn’t care for them anymore.
Who am I to break up a sibling bond?
I then decided to check all three of them out at once, testing the waters.
Totally under control.
My arms of steel were able to squeeze all of the felines tight enough to keep them in my crazy cat lady grip just long enough to not
triple second guess my decision to take them all.
Mulling it over for .00000001 second.
And just like that, the operator of Sweet Faces Cat & Kitten Rescue agreed to let me take the ‘triplets’ home to the mini manse, where Ted and Precious the chug unknowingly awaited the new arrivals.
Penny and her #1 customer.
MVP of the weekend.
What is about to happen?
In keeping with my love of all things Griswold family, I decided to name my newly obtained family members after Cousin Eddie’s kids.
Rocky – the strong, silent type.
Ruby Sue – possibly missing a brain cell or ten.
And as I said before, the baby remains Princess Elsa in honor of my Iowa twins.
They love animated Elsa. I love the fur ball version.
Princess Elsa Pants Crossbones.
The ride home from Pet Smart was eerily quiet with each cat in a newly purchased cardboard box (as I didn’t intend on coming home with any furry addition). Not a peep, meow, hiss, growl or howl was uttered. And nothing was said as I introduced each new family member to Mr. Bear and Presh one by one. The transition from being a cray cray cat lady to borderline animal hoarder was smooth sailing for everyone.
Princess and King, cautious friends at first.
Warm and fuzzies after about four minutes.
Turns out, Tedstar likes being the big man in the mini manse – but refuses to acknowledge his contentment.
I know, I know, I’m thisclose to being a stereotypical cliché given the fact that I’m an unmarried, candle loving, drinks wine alone while watching sappy Lifetime movies and I live in a literal animal house. But guess what? I don’t give a fuck.
I inspired this action figure.
Famous among Nashvillians, obviously.
Let’s be honest – no one snickers behind my back because I have the type of family and friends who will ridicule me to my face with the hopes that I do not in any way shape or form turn into this woman…
Please intervene if my situation gets this dire.
But you know, while I feel good about saving three more sweet souls in the end, I wonder who is really saving whom?
Can’t help but love the crazy, pussy pandemonium can you?