Prepping for a parade in small town America is serious business.
First things first, you must start the day off on the right foot in order to be thinking clearly when decorating your parade chariot.
Once you’re finished guzzling down breakfast, it’s time to pimp the parade rides.
It is important that you get gaudy as humanly possible in your finest parade threads.
Be sure your parade float is tuned up and ready to roll (even though you won’t be driving and are too busy drinking Bloody Marys).
A hot rod of a classic car can never, ever be driven without the appropriate hand ornaments.
Once the preparations are complete, check to make sure everyone is looking their holiday best.
If you happen to have more than one vehicle in the parade, be sure to scream and shout whenever you see them pass by.
Avoid the temptation of throwing out all of your candy at once by taking endless selfies.
But don’t get too absorbed in selfies and forget to enjoy feeling like small town royalty while waving your patriotic scepter at parade bystanders.
Once the eight minute parade is over, your arm will ache from waving profusely at people who are wondering who in the hell you are, your hand will throb from throwing 32 pieces of candy you meant to aim at toddlers but accidentally threw it straight into the arms of bratty teenagers and you’ll need to drink another one of these STAT.
And while it may take many cocktails to help unwind from the exciting festivities, you’ll find satisfaction knowing the parade could not have been the same without you and your crew.