Summer Shenanigans

When I heard the grand jury decided to drop my Rapegate case against The Rapist due to lack of evidence, I was bummed – maybe more numb – to say the least. This meant that it was truly over. The criminal portion anyway. Because whether I like it or not, the aftermath of this trauma is still something that I grapple with daily – and know that I always will. But instead of staying cemented where I was upon receiving this news (on my leopard couch, with Ted on my chest naturally) I inched ahead as life proves it stops for no one.

I got this.

After finding myself jobless at the beginning of the 2017, (nothing like being the most impatient person on the planet, waiting for an excruciatingly slow criminal system with nothing but free time on my hands!) I finally landed a new gig. Hey-oh!

Think they get me? More pink please!

A positive work environment is such a welcomed change from what I’ve experienced the past two years – a bully with too much power feasting on the misery of others and a washed up, drugged out psycho who failed to wear any undergarments to work for a boss. This job is a big score for me!

With the help of family and very close friends, I stayed afloat financially – paid my rent, my car note, fed my fur balls and made a much needed trip to Iowa to see family. Less than a year ago, the Dumb to My Dumber, Aunt Crazy Pants, was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer after going in for a hip issue.

Can you tell we’re related?

While it has proven a difficult road (as cancer is nothing short of a fucking motherfucker), her attitude and determination to maintain a semblance of her normal life has shown me strength like no other. We watched my Nashville Predators hockey team comethisclose to winning the Stanley Cup together.

Who doesn’t quilt while watching sports?

We even went out and about to grace her presence at the local Mexican restaurant where she is basically a celebrity after a round of treatment.

Three amigos.

Please keep Aunt Crazy Pants in your thoughts, as she’s now under hospice care in her own home. Although, she hasn’t lost her sense of humor.

Her best “Ouiser” impression from the movie, Steel Magnolias.

While back in the Hawkeye State, I also got to see the two peeps who never cease to put a smile on this face.

Princess B was going to frolic her way through her first dance recital and I put my heavily honed make-up skills to work, as her first go-round wasn’t quite the desired outcome.

Her method.

Our shared method.

 

Sheer perfection. And she fucking knows it.

Due to the sellout of the recital, Prince B and I stayed behind for a snuggle date after a little Star Wars walkie-talkie fun.

No Princess Leia here.

Snuggle monsters.

After the babes went down that evening, the adults got into cocktails and had our own recital, reliving dance moves from show choir past.

Sis still has the moves. Obvies.

Catching up with two of my Iowa gal pals it felt like I’d just seen them the week prior, when I hadn’t seen them in a few years. Isn’t that the best feeling?

Fresh start to the evening.

Guess which one of us has our shit together?

Margaritas with mom rounded out my trip before I headed back below the Mason Dixon Line.

In between trying to figure out my headset attached to my work phone…

You guys, seriously. How does Britney Spears do it?

…and lounging weekends away at the pool…

Bring Your Own Boxed Wine,

…the cat cuddling has been heavy-duty.

Spending the majority of the Fourth inside due to rain didn’t quash my celebratory spirit in the slightest.

Red, white and shoes!

With a little red, white and booze.

However, up in Iowa, the spirits weren’t as joyful.

The Nashville weather even cleared up enough for our small trio to head up to the pool, guzzle some cocktails, order a pizza and watch the largest display of fireworks in the nation from a distance.

Keeping it classy!

Back at it after a holiday, I still can’t figure my fucking headset out.

Being blonde is hard.

But it’s nothing a cocktail and a bubble bath can’t fix.

Cheers to the second half of summer!

CBXB

 

Griswold Family Style Fourth of July

Driving a boat at Lake of the Ozarks…

Party Chick

…is a party girl from Tennessee.

Party Girl

As cousins gather every Fourth…

Cousins

…to be with family

The Griswolds

From Jell-O shots…

Jell-O

…with whipped cream.

Whipped Cream

Constant fights over the mic…

Mic Fight

to sing karaoke.

Karoake King

Trivial Pursuit winners, always reign supreme!

Winners!

From new tattoos…

Tattoo

…to pool dunks…

Dunk

…with drunken dancers around a hunk.

Hunk

Our favorite toy is the aqua bar…

Aqua Bar

…that prevents us from floating too far.

Floater

 I’m proud to be from my family!

Family

Where at least I can be me.

Beerpoo

And they never, ever let me forget

Just how handy my booty can be.

Handy

Cousins blowing their muscles up…

Blow Hards

…next to me

Muscles

so I won’t cry and feel left out.

Cry Baby

There ain’t no doubt I love my clan –

Clan

Thank God for my family!

Fam

Here’s hoping your version of the Griswolds has a safe and booze filled 4th.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Red, Wine and Booze

Driving a boat at Lake of the Ozarks

Party Chick

Is a party girl from Tennessee

Party Girl

As cousins gather every Fourth

Cousins

To be with family

The Griswolds

From Jell-O shots

Jell-O

With whipped cream

Whipped Cream

Constant fights over the mic

Mic Fight

To sing karaoke

Karoake King

Trivial Pursuit winners, always reign supreme

Winners!

From new tattoos

Tattoo

To pool dunks

Dunk

With drunken dancers around a hunk

Hunk

Our favorite toy is the aqua bar

Aqua Bar

That prevents us from floating too far…

Floater

 I’m proud to be from my family

Family

Where at least I can be me

Beerpoo

And they never, ever let me forget

Just how handy my booty can be

Handy

Cousins blowing their muscles up

Blow Hards

Next to me

Muscles

So I won’t cry and feel left out

Cry Baby

There ain’t no doubt I love my clan

Clan

Thank God for my family!

Fam

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Red, White and Booze

Dreary skies didn’t keep the fun out of the Fourth of July holiday weekend in Nashville.  The crew and I were going to have a fabulous time – even if we had to enlist in the party patrol.

Patriotic party patrol.

Patriotic party on patrol.

Not everyone was in the spirit of celebrating. Prince B wasn’t sure what to think of his new headpiece as he paraded around his kitchen in Iowa.

Serious Statue of Liberty.

Serious Statue of Liberty.

While the real life sculpture was sulky, there was zero hesitation on my part whether or not to fete the weekend – no matter how shitty the weather. It was still hot enough for a boat ride accompanied with a bag of wine for classy, cooling off shenanigans.

Wine not?

This can also be used as a pillow if a party goer needs to pass out.

Between the over consumption of vino and the precarious monsoon-like weather, I kept refreshed in the lovely I-don’t-care-why-it’s-brown-because-I’ve-had-too-much-to-drink colored lake.

Cool down in the cool rain.

Cocktails helped keep my composure in the non-crystal clear lake.

Princess B had a much better (smarter, cleaner, safer) way of keeping her body temp in check by slurping on a slice of watermelon.

Keeping cool with water melon.

Star spangled smartie.

Not to be outdone by my niece, I threw on a matching outfit but sipped on something a bit more my speed.

Choosing another route.

Bringing the best out for a holiday.

Dada CBXB double fisted to stars and stripes forever as he downed a very American meal of … chips and salsa.

Double fisting cool down.

Red, white and brew baby.

Meanwhile I was policing my two pussies as they tried to create their own fireworks all weekend by demanding to drink out of the same dish at the same time, acting as if they had their sights set on the last nine ounces of water left on the planet.

Double up cool down

Party patrol on high alert.

Here’s hoping you find your own way to keep the blistery summer heat at bay.

Might I suggest something with booze?

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Star Spangled Shenanigans

Driving a boat at Lake of the Ozarks

Party Chick

Is a party girl from Tennessee

Party Girl

As cousins gather every Fourth

Cousins

To be with family

The Griswolds

From Jell-O shots

Jell-O

With whipped cream

Whipped Cream

Constant fights over the mic

Mic Fight

To sing karaoke

Karoake King

Trivial Pursuit winners, always reign supreme

Winners!

From new tattoos

Tattoo

To pool dunks

Dunk

With drunken dancers around a hunk

Hunk

Our favorite toy is the aqua bar

Aqua Bar

That prevents us from floating too far…

Floater

And I’m proud to be from my family

Family

Where at least I can be me

Beerpoo

And they never, ever let me forget

Just how handy my booty can be

Handy

Cousins blowing their muscles up

Blow Hards

Next to me

Muscles

So I won’t cry and feel left out

Cry Baby

There ain’t no doubt I love my clan

Clan

Thank God for my family!

Fam

CBXB

CBXB!

How to Prep for a Parade

Prepping for a parade in small town America is serious business.

A wave fit for an unclassy queen.

A wave fit for an unclassy queen.

First things first, you must start the day off on the right foot in order to be thinking clearly when decorating your parade chariot.

First

Breakfast of parade day champions.

Once you’re finished guzzling down breakfast, it’s time to pimp the parade rides.

Prep

Our parade committee working on finishing touches.

Gussied up golf cart

Gussied up golf cart.

It is important that you get gaudy as humanly possible in your finest parade threads.

Get as gaudy as humanly possible in your finest parade threads.

A parade queen and princess adorned in the finest plastic necklaces you can find in America.

Be sure your parade float is tuned up and ready to roll (even though you won’t be driving and are too busy drinking Bloody Marys).

1952 Triumph TR3

A 1952 Triumph TR3 acting as my parade chariot.

Under the hood.

Looking good under the hood.

A hot rod of a classic car can never, ever be driven without the appropriate hand ornaments.

We should have thrown Grey Poupon from the car instaed of candy.

With a driver like this, we should have thrown Grey Poupon instead of candy at parade gawkers.

Once the preparations are complete, check to make sure everyone is looking their holiday best.

Pops, CBXB and MMM ready to roll.

CBXB, Miami Mini Me and Pops ready to cruise.

If you happen to have more than one vehicle in the parade, be sure to scream and shout whenever you see them pass by.

Our other chariot.

Our other chariot.

Avoid the temptation of throwing out all of your candy at once by taking endless selfies.

Selfie 1,487 during a 10 street block parade. I have mad skills.

Selfie 1,487 during a 10 block parade. I know, I know. I have mad skills.

But don’t get too absorbed in selfies and forget to enjoy feeling like small town royalty while waving your patriotic scepter at parade bystanders.

This is how we roll.

This is how we roll.

Once the eight minute parade is over, your arm will ache from waving profusely at people who are wondering who in the hell you are, your hand will throb from throwing 32 pieces of candy you meant to aim at toddlers but accidentally threw it straight into the arms of bratty teenagers and you’ll need to drink another one of these STAT.

First

Parades are exhausting.

And while it may take many cocktails to help unwind from the exciting festivities, you’ll find satisfaction knowing the parade could not have been the same without you and your crew.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

Weekend Winks – Oh Say Can You See

Patriotic Trio

Patriotic Trio

The Fourth of July holiday weekend took me out of Nashville and on a road trip. Much to my dismay, a stop at Kentucky Fried Chicken was part of my journey.

Did you know that KFC proudly serves buffet style?

Buffet of Germs

Menu from my own personal hell.

I opted for anything that didn’t require being served from the dishes and serving utensils surely manhandled by 1,437 people before me. So I got a boxed meal to go, which made me get creative in the bathroom as I didn’t want to set it down on the floor, baby changing station, counter top or any other space that looked as if it hadn’t been disinfected since 1999.

Road trip germ avoider

Thank God for my thighs of KFC steel.

Holiday attire is a big must in my book and I was beyond delighted to find mini top hats awaiting my arrival.

Attire

Red, white and sparkly headband? Yes please!

As I was taking fancy up a notch, my dad was busy being the “King of Awesomeness” (who made him this pin? WHO?!) which I assume is a button he will never, ever, ever forget to put on any shirt he wears for the rest of his life.

Tennessee attire

Tennessee Fourth of July attire.

What about those chubby cheeked twins I adore so in Iowa? They, too, were decked out in their finest holiday threads just like Auntie CBXB.

Iowa attire

Cutest little shits I know.

I was asked to jump on stage and sing with a band that’s been celebrating with Fourth of July shows for the last 20 years.

Flew in to sing Stage it.

They flew me in on this plane for the performance. I kid. But that is the stage.

In preparation, my Miami Mini Me helped calm my nerves as she kept a countdown as to how many songs were left before my big debut.

My Miami Mini Me pumping me up before the performance.

MMM not really calming my nerves.

While MMM was tallying up the minutes before I took the stage, I prepped with mouth exercises to ensure I would be able to get all of my words out.

Worked my mouth out before singing.

A classy lady and an ass.

Wondering how excited everyone else was for the big performance?

One of my tens of fans headed out to the car without announcing his departure.

Unassuming vehicle.

Unassuming vehicle.

He was overly eager with anticipation to my performance and needed to nap it off.

Biggest fan awaiting my performance. Which he slept through.

Biggest fan awaiting my performance. Which he slept through.

Sing

Snoozefest 2014.

After my debut, we were able to really let our hair down and party.

Not only did we partake in cocktails but we also practiced one of my fave pastimes.

Photo-bombing.

Celebratory photo bombs!

Celebratory photo bombs!

Check the back.

We’re the strangers in the waaay back who then asked the strangers in the front row to text us the photo. We’re classy like that.

Not to be outdone, my dad had to get in on the photo-bombing action, even if it was mocked up for him.

And not to be outdone...

Dad was only successful with help from the always fabulous @WanderinPoet.

What else does a holiday weekend entail?

An omelet party, featuring Bloody Marys and mimosas.

Omelet bar greeted me after my big show. Well, the e ntire neighborhood but one cna dream.

Not too shabby.

A parade in which I used a Fourth of July decoration as my own personal scepter.

Parades to participate in.

Happy Independence Day from my self-appointed Royal Highness.

A magnum of wine that had to be consumed.

Magnums of wine to guzzle

Somebody had to do it…

And passing out naps on concrete retaining walls.

Forced me to sleep.

Singing, eating, drinking, drinking and drinking can really tire you out.

Not to leave me hanging, MMM decided to get a little shut-eye after all of the events as well.

Mini Me following in my sleepy footsteps.

Following in my sleepy footsteps.

On the way back to Nashville, I rode next to Bret Michaels the entire way.

Drove all the way home next to BM. By the way hat does he know about an RV?!

Why does a rockstar rock RVs?

I was welcomed back to Music City by a fabulous care package from my gal pal and fellow blogger Lisa Johnson Sawyer.

Avon Lady!

Avon Lady @LisaCharlene5 spoiled me!

Box full of happiness!

Box full of happiness!

Wanna know what else was full of happiness upon my return home?

Girl talk with my fave pussy.

This gray little pussy of mine.

Here’s hoping you’re fully recovered from your Fourth of July holiday weekend…I’m not.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!