Nothing Compares

Not a damn thing compares to the Iowa State Fair (well, except maybe my birthday and Christmas – but that’s it!)

Downing the first dog of the day.

After consuming a corn dog for breakfast, I dove in mouth first to the greasy, fried cheese curds that you can dip in either marinara sauce or ketchup (my choice – keeping it classy!)

Who cut the cheese?

Taking every opportunity to stand behind a cut out for a photo, the first one of the day was perfect.

My Grandpas say you’re welcome.

Dragging my cousin RM along for the fair was the best day of his life (cant’ you tell below?). He did say before we entered the gates “This isn’t as much fun as you say it is,” (maybe because last time he attended with me, we were there for 13 hours. Who knows?)

American Gothic at its worst.

RM perked right up when we discovered the gem of all gems at the fair – the Iowa Craft Beer tent.

Making the fair bearable for RM!

Of course, we (well, really I) had to get a pic behind the cut-out (RM humored me).

Two of the classiest beer guzzlers around!

Next up was a glimpse at the world-famous butter cow.

Yes, this is solid butter. And yes, I’d like to lick it.

A few days after I visited the fair, some vegan jackasses hid in the building to deface my very favorite part of the fair…but no worries, it was back to normal before the fair opened the following day. Suck it vandalizers!

This vegan group gives all vegans a bad name. I would never pour paint on your vegetables!

While perusing the Ag building, I saw this sign and was inspired to get the one and only healthy food selection at the fair. Salad on a stick.

Mmm lettuce tastes so good on a toothpick.

Then I caught of whiff of something fried moving through the air and all healthy inspirations went out window. So I settled for a healthy giant pork tenderloin instead of a salad on a stick.

A porker eating a pork tenderloin.

All of the eating, drinking and eating made our feet hurt, so we rode the sky glider, getting a view of the entire fairgrounds.

But you just get to see us, instead of an aerial view of the fair. Sorry!

At the fair museum I found a photo of my Grandpa hauling folks back and forth from the campground in 1964. The Clearfield Iowa Lions club was celebated by the fair this year for 50 years of shuttling fairgoers.

Nice display.

And in that display is a framed pic of my Gpa, the stud, driving without watching where he was going in 1964.

Apparently this is ride at your own risk.

And after 50 years, the shuttles the Clearfield Lions Club started, are still going strong.

Overwhelmed with the famousness of my Gpa, we had to stop and get something else to eat, of course.

Sweet potato fries! While RM eats them one by one, I prefer stuffing handfuls into my mouth.

Then it was time for the livestock barns, starting with the cattle.

Reconsidered eating beef after looking at this cute face!

And I was a little concerned for the cute cow’s owner…

This dude’s in trouble because it’s only day one of the fair.

Every single year I’m in the livestock barns, two little shits scare unassuming people with a gigantic, plastic tarantula they tie to a fishing pole and release as you’re looking at sweet piggies.  And this year, those two little bastards got yours truly. I was amazed that there wasn’t a swine stampede out of the building, as I think I squealed for two minutes straight as the gnarly spider hit me square in the face. I turned around to see the culprits laughing their asses off at me (and then I joined in).

Shit 1 and Shit 2 almost made me shit my pants. I mean look at the size of that beastly spider!

After the spider scare, I had to go back and get another beer, where I ran into the fabulous brother/sister duo of Ed and Leslie! We went to high school together and shared the stage for show choir (yeah, we blazed the way for Glee. You’re welcome).

Show choir reunion!

After panting like a puppy (I always get into character when posing for pics) and mooning half of the beer tent, as I had to basically lay down to play the part of a dog, I was hungry. Again.

Washing the last dog of the day down with a funnel cake. I’m so skinny.

Forcing RM to ride the double ferris wheel was an easy task after I saw the sign “NO SINGLE RIDERS” sign. I think he could see “there’s a shit show coming” written all over my face, so he graciously hopped on with me. We felt super safe when the carnie with black teeth told us there were only two in the world…and he put this one together (and then asked if I’d like to meet up with him for karaoke later).

Double ferris wheels do strange things to a man’s anatomy according to RM.

While Gma practically had an APB out on my whereabouts because I’d been gone for 11 hours (she called my uncle who lives an hour away from the fair, like he could do something about it), she quickly settled down upon my entrance into her apartment with a corn dog in hand.

Who cares how long you were gone – I got a corn dog!

And then Gma got a little pissy when she saw my black feet (I swear to Christ I wore shoes. All. day. long.) on her white carpet. I had to crawl to her shower (that you have to sit in to use – so fun) in order to clean my tootsies.

What the feet?!

So after 10,478 calories, hillbillly feet, never being able to zip up my skinny jeans again, making my cousin do whatever I want (I’m prepping him for marriage) while dragging him all over the miles of the fair, I can’t wait ’til next year.

Until then…

CBXB