Pigskin Style Sushi

Are you a lazy cook (like yours truly) who can barely get off your ass to pour yourself a bowl of cereal? When invited to a party, do you always offer to bring chips, a carton of dip and a veggie platter because no cooking is involved?

Allow me to introduce you to Pigskin Sushi (at least that’s what my fam calls it, as we make it for almost every tailgate we attend). What’s not to love about an affordable, three ingredient, five-minute, dirty-no-dishes delicatessen that even you can whip together and party goers will devour?

Pigskin sushi

This non-conventional sushi is always a crowd pleaser.

You will need:

Dill pickles, one block of cream cheese and thick-sliced, cooked ham.  Total cost – $7.00.

Directions:

Place a paper towel under the slice of ham (this will absorb some of the moisture due to packaging) and spread cream cheese over it.

You can use light and/or whipped cream cheese, just be sure it’s at room temperature for easy spreading.

Next roll a pickle up in the cheesy slice of ham.

Baby dill pickles work best in the simple recipe.

Then cut the pickle-in-a-blanket to your desired size.

Once you’ve sliced, you’re done. Seriously.

Place on a platter and watch folks curiously gander at the pickles on a plate for a minute (seriously, people will act like they may be above a pickle wrapped in cream cheese and ham but once they have one, it’s game over).

A plateful of Pigskin Sushi won’t last long.

This snack was such a hit at the last tailgate, we made another batch of the low carb, gluten-free delicatessen for the second half of the game and still had no left overs.

Touchdown!

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Spectacular Shit Dip

Don’t let the name fool you. This dip is divine.

I’m prone to easy, simple, don’t dirty-too-many-dishes recipes (plus I don’t have a love deep in my heart for cooking – wish I felt the same about eating).  With tailgating season here and holiday party time right around the corner, I’m revisiting one of my favorite, effortless, wallet friendly, minimal ingredient snack foods (thanks for the reminder, Podunk!).

Then you cross your fingers that guests bring fabulous treats to go along with the fabulous dishes you've laid out. Last Saturday, we had my blog famous Shit Dip, mexican dip, a cheese ball and my dad's 'best batch of ribs ever' (direct quote from him).

A little shit dip goes a long way.

This recipe comes from my gal pal Katie B. She didn’t give this tasty dip its moniker…I did, the day after I practically ate an entire bowl of it single-handedly at a party which in turn, left me feeling very cleansed the next day.

My favorite part about this dip (aside from being so tasty) is you can make it via the microwave.

Here are the whopping four ingredients you’ll need:

1 stick butter

1 block cream cheese

2 cans white shoe peg corn (it’s basically sweet corn – I had to Google it since I’m a regular Betty Crocker and all)

10 chopped jalapeno rings (more or less depending on your preference)

Tortilla chips

Ingredients for the cleansing dip all purchased at Target (where else?) for a grand total of $4.06. Add the $2 for a bag of cheap tortilla chips and you’re set for $6. My kind of treat!

Directions:

In a microwave safe bowl (and one big enough to eventually hold two cans of corn) melt the stick of butter, then add the block of cream cheese. Nuke for about a minute or so and then add the 2 cans of corn (if you add the corn too early, it gets chewy). Add the jalapenos, heat to desired temperature and serve immediately.

That’s it!

This dip will have your bathroom bumpin’.

Go ahead and wow ‘em with shit dip at your next tailgate – just remember to be prepared with an overabundance of toilet paper.

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Lazy Lasagna

I am no gourmet chef. I’m not really even close to being called a cook (although I do own some cute aprons in which I like to prance around my kitchen).

Being beyond lazy, I almost always enjoy a nice bowl of cereal for supper. But every once in a while I get a hankering for ‘real’ food and one of my “specialties” is bland, non-exciting lasagna.  Whipping it up for company not only makes me seem kinda domestic, it typically knocks the socks of my food companions, as I’m not offering them just wine and sliced cheese.

Lazy cooking at its finest. Although when presented on skull and crossbone plates (which is my fine china), it really ups the ante, yes?

Underwhelming cooking at its finest. Although when presented on a skull and crossbones plate (which is my fine china), it really ups the ante, yes?

Here’s what you’ll need for this easy peasy Italian dish that will cost you around $10:

1 box no boil lasagna noodles (I use gluten-free but any will do)

1 small carton of cottage cheese

1 package of shredded mozzarella cheese

2 jars of your favorite spaghetti sauce

1 pound of lean beef (your choice of meat or meat substitute)

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Gluten-free lasagna at its blandest.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and then fry your choice of meat in a skillet.

Instead of a slicing a fresh onion (takes too much time, makes my mascara run, etc…) I shake in some dried minced onion to spruce up the meat while it’s browning. You can also choose to add green peppers, mushroom, spinach, etc…but you know that takes more time, effort and money (plus adds flavors in which I don’t love…being from the Midwest, I’m all about bland food!).

no fresh onions

No need to cry in the kitchen with already minced onion.

Once the meat is done grab a baking dish and coat with cooking spray. You’ll create three layers and start with the spaghetti sauce, meat, cottage cheese, noodles, sauce again and mozzarella.

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Non-tedious layering process.

The second and third layers are the same as the first.

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The “secret” weapon in my lazy lasagna is the using more sauce than needed. Leftovers are never dried out!

Stick the concoction in the oven for 45 minutes.  I typically cover in foil for about 25 minutes, then remove the remainder of the baking time so the top layer of cheese can brown.

Ooey, gooey

Ooey, gooey Italian goodness.

And what good is lasagna without bread accompanying its appearance on a plate?  My favorite gluten-free baguette bread is Against the Grain. While it’s a little pricey ($7 for two loaves), it tastes as close to the real deal as any other brand I’ve tried.

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The splurge is worth it.

In about an hour, you’ll end up with a low-fat, gluten-free, bland, easy, company pleasing dish.

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Of course this lasagna is served with a very large bottle of wine. Duh.

I never tell anyone this is gluten-free until after they’ve consumed and no one ever knows the difference!

Bon appetite my lazy cooks!

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Skinny Salad

I leave for Key West in three weeks. Therefore, I feel the need to shed the extra winter pounds I gain every year when I go into hibernation (and somehow get glowing, tan skin without having to burn myself in a tanning bed so as not to blend in with the clouds as I frolic on the beach).

I was just introduced to this salad from a pseudo paleo (this salad includes cheese) diet follower and was impressed enough to recreate on my own.

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Greens are good for you – but still I wish this was a plate full of french fries, I’m not gonna lie.

Here’s what you’ll need…

Olive oil

Red wine vinegar

Greens of your choice

Salt and pepper to taste

Shaved or shredded parmesan cheese

Any other veggie that you fancy – I’m just plain Jane girl and keep it simple (I also don’t like to dirty anymore dishes than I have to, as I don’t have a dishwasher. Lazy party of one!).

Protein of your choice (again, I’m too lazy).

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Holy healthy ingredients! Not a typical site in my kitchen.

Simply combine 1/4 cup of olive oil and two tablespoons of the red wine vinegar (you can add more or less to your liking).  Add a generous amount of pepper to the mix and then a sprinkle of salt.

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Who knew you could make your own salad dressing? Not this blonde.

Once I prepped the salad in all of five minutes, Ted came racing into the kitchen announcing his presence and needing to see what the hell I was doing in there (as I never do much of anything but pour cocktails in the kitchen).

tried...

No fish? No thanks!

This gluten-free, guilt free, low carb, low-cost (once you have the ingredients, you just need to buy greens) salad will have you coming back for more. Cats? Not so much.

Now here’s hoping I don’t get too sick of this salad I’m calling supper for the next few weeks. Cross your fingers for me (and my pasty white non-bathing suit ready ass) as I pair this salad with a fat glass of pinot grigio (wine really helps extra LBs melt off your hips, right?!)

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Sexy Skinny Spaghetti

Looking to wow the pants off your Valentine? Or maybe just a way to stay in your skinny jeans?

Avoid the bloated feeling that often comes with traditional pasta by substituting noodles with spaghetti squash.  I thought this was a ridiculous idea (how could a vegetable taste like pasta?!) until I tried it for the first time (I loathe change).

Skinny Sketti

You will need a spaghetti squash, choice of meat (if desired) and your favorite Italian sauce (I use bottled – but low sodium!).

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Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Microwave the squash for about a minute.  This will make it loads easier to cut and save your hand strength for opening that tightly sealed jar of sauce (let’s be real, I would never make from scratch).

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Once cut, scoop the seeds out of the middle (if you forget this step (as I almost ALWAYS do) you can remove after cooking – no worries).

fork or spoon

Hold on tight because the squash is slippery!

Slippery Sucker

Once seeds have been removed, place halves on a cooking sheet.  Bake for 45 minutes to an hour, depending on the size of your gourd.

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Use a fork to create ‘spaghetti’ noodles.

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I can make four meals out of one large spaghetti squash (thus not having to cook all week. Score!).

Spaghetti Sizzle

Typically, I add FreeBird chicken breast strips that can be found at Whole Foods (low in sodium and calories) but I’ve also used turkey meatballs and lean ground beef in my sauce.

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Mix sauce and cooked meat, bring to a boil.

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Serve immediately with or without cheese (due to the non-pasta spaghetti, I treat myself with a handful of mozzarella on top).

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Just might wow the pants off of your Valentine!

Use reduced fat cheese to keep it on the ‘skinny’ side.

This cheesy version of sexy spaghetti will cost $10 (more or less depending on the meat) has about 260 calories, 20 carbs and 11 grams of sugar overall.

Now get out there in all your skinny glory and seduce someone.

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