One Night Stand

You know how they say you should never sleep with an ex?

Well, some people never learn.

Especially trashtastic folks like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

The Federlines. In all of their shaved noggin, wig headed black hair, pre-Celebrity Fit Club appearances.

Bored with current “good girl” image while judging (snore) on The X Factor (yawn), Britney went back to her wiley ways, if just for one night. I mean, being white trashy is knowing something is wrong but doing it anyway (probably how everyone feels the morning after running into an ex. In your bed) and not giving a rat’s rear end about it (not even a morsel of remorse).

In celebration of their “one night stand” reunion, Brit and K-Fed wanted to share their fabulously trashy treats they’ll be serving to cavity hungry monsters from the double wide mansion tonight.

1. K-Fed’s “Famous Family Jewels”

K-Fed can procreate like nobody’s business, so it’s only fitting that this is his favorite dish.  He stumbled on these nuts while cruising through the very non-trashy onceamonth4ladies blog (he’s secretly in love with the fabulous foursome).

1 cup brown sugar
1 cup sugar
3TBL pumpkin spice
3 cups of your most cherished nuts
1 egg white
2 tsp vanilla

Mix the sugars and pumpkin spice in a bowl (or whatever is laying around the trailer). In a separate container, whisk the egg white and vanilla. Slowly mix nuts into egg and vanilla mixture, add sugar and stir until your arm hurts (which for K-Fed now is about 15 rounds in the bowl). Run your finger through your hair to grease the crock pot (if you don’t do this, you’ll have sticky nuts and that’s no good for anyone).

Once marinated, slow cook the nuts for two hours, stirring every 30 minutes.

Please pass the nut sack. Britney wanted serve K-Feds faves in a plastic Walmart bag. Whatever floats your boat.

2. Frankenstein Fungus Pops

Brit burglarized this recipe from Colorado blogger Glitzgirlzglamourguide.com (where the Frankensteins are way more fabulous).

1 pack jumbo marshmallows
1 package chocolate chips
1 can green food color spray (unless you have moldy ‘mellos)
black sparkle baking gel
sucker sticks

On a paper towel, spray marshmallows green. In a saucepan, melt 1/4 of the chocolate chips over low heat. Once fungusy enough, take the marshmallow and dunk the top in the chocolate.

Draw face with sparkle gel and insert sucker stick once dry.

3. Louisiana Lurkers

Britney actually thinks she can get pregnant just by looking at these cookies. Go figure.

1 package of Nutter Butter cookies
black sparkle baking gel
white chocolate chips

Melt chocolate chips over low heat in a sauce pan.  Dip Nutter Butters into melted chocolate, place on wax paper and let cool.  Once dry, paint on the “Oops I Did It Again” face.

Not again!

And that friends, is what you can find peering out of your plastic pumpkin if you stop by the trailer of terror.

Back for seconds.

If you hurry, you can make your own trashy treats (minus the tetanus shot) under your own roof before the door gets banged down by ghouls tonight.

Go on now and git’r’done. Even if it involves an ex.

CBXB

CBXB!

Twinsies

WARNING:  If you hate people who dress their pets up, stop reading. Right. Now.

With the establishment of my cray cray cat lady persona, it’s safe to say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in my family. My sister is just as loco over her pooch, Gunner as I am over my fur ball of a baby.

And being the crazies that we are, of course our four legged family members end up in costumes for Halloween. Sometimes even matching costumes (I mean, they are cousins after all).

There are, however, slight differences in trying put an outfit on a sweet dog like Gunner vs. a bitchy cat like Teddy (the first being that I’m the only lunatic I know who puts her freaking cat in an costume, but I digress).

Dogs like Gunner will humor you…

Patiently waiting for the limelight.

Cats think you’re an f’ing idiot for even trying to embarrass them in such horror.

Ted conducted a complete investigation at first sight of the unknown object in the living room.

Dogs like Gunner adore their altered look so much, they’ll dine in it…

Cats will act like the felted material is the heaviest thing they’ve ever encountered on their back and sit paralyzed (mostly to spite you).

Teddy…wishing he could put his stinger to use.

Dogs like Gunner stand and proudly pose for pictures…

Picture snapped in between happy tail wags.

Cats, especially Teddy, would be giving you the middle finger, if possible.

F YOU MOM.

Dogs like Gunner enjoy their new found accessories so much, they often forget to de-costume before bed.

Cats can’t wait to claw your eyes out once they get this God awful attire off right this second.

After our dramatically different photo shoots, it’s safe to say Ted’s outfit will be going to a Halloween graveyard (which is OK because I got it for $5 – sigh of relief) and Gunner will be wearing his until Christmas.  Maybe costumes are best left to the human race…but what fun would that be for my sister and me?

Our parents are so proud.

CBXB

How to Turn Your Dad Into Pamela Anderson

A few Halloweens ago I was dying to dress up as Kid Rock and needed a trashy Pamela Anderson to hang all over me. And because he is no stranger to the spotlight my dad jumped at the chance.

But how in the hell do you transform a 6’4″ man into a petite (OK, not happening), blonde, big busted bombshell?

You start feet first.

Heavy duty gloves for a heavy-duty job.  My dad has a green toenail (because he’s too cheap to buy the prescription to remedy) that I lovingly refer to as Foot Fungus (hence the gloves).  Aunt Nancy is watching over us (and secretly thinking she wouldn’t touch my dad’s foot with a ten foot pole).

Carefully apply polish to the gigantic toes.

Which are then topped off with an orange bow (to make those feet look a teeny tiny bit more feminine).

A base for the famous face must be applied as the transformation continues (the application of foundation “hurt his face,” according to my dad).

Stuffing Pamela into her costume proved the most difficult task of all.

But by God, she ended up looking like a fabulous Baywatch knock-off.

Pam’s famous rack was made by stuffing as much quilt batting as possible into nylons. I dyed a men’s tank top red (because I could not find a women’s XXXL) and applied masking tape on to create the Lifeguard logo.  The shorts I scored in the ladies section at Walmart (go figure).

Now all Pamela needed was her handsome rock star flavor at the time, Kid Rock.

With the complete transformation in place, Pam was (happily) the center of attention.  She tended to overshadow even the most glamorous celebrities at the party.

Where’s Marilyn?

And everyone was completely obsessed with Pam’s chest.

Just to give you an idea…

While this real life odd couple went on to hit the skids, Kid and Pam were able to let bygones be bygones on this particular Halloween.

Is my dad fun or what?

And while this may not be the Pamela Anderson of everyone’s dreams, she’s awfully pretty to me.

Pamela Anderson, the later years.

But then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

CBXB