Spooktacular Sidekicks

Oh Halloween, how I’ve always loved thee. The 31st day of October was – and still remains – the kick-off to a long-awaited holiday season for me.

I’d still cut a bitch.

Letting Dada CBXB (you know, the guy who dresses up like Pam Anderson) do all of the carving work because even way back my nails were “jewels, not tools”.

In a small Iowa town where I was raised, we had costume parties at school and church (when you used to be able to call it a Halloween party complete with witches and bats, instead of a fucking bland Fall Festival with scarecrows and hay bales – why are there fun haters? Why?), parades to prance proudly down our eight block Main Street (where every single one of the 1,200 citizens showed up) and so much trick-or-treating mania, I’d have to come home halfway through the evening just to dump my candy (hiding it all from my dad in the dryer or it’d be gone by morning) because my pumpkin got so overloaded, it was too heavy for me to carry.

Forget my adorableness for one second – what about the clown behind #165?

A spectator sport for the entire town where I could show off my killer cookie wheels.

In my younger years, I carried the burden of celebrating Halloween by myself and being a lone Cookie Monster got frustrating.

One is the loneliest number.

Begging my parents to procreate, I was presented with Sister CBXB (you know, the one who called my dad a goddamn son of a bitch at the age of four) who was immediately awarded with side kickin’ it as my lifetime partner-in-crime (lucky her). If I was going to be dressing up (oftentimes making an ass out of myself in later years) she was going to be doing it too, by god (town parades included).

In the beginning of our twosome, we were all about cutesy costumes.

The rock star and Raggedy Ann. A little sugar for my spice.

The ‘cute’ theme seemed to carry on in our early years.  Except for the tilt in our heads…and the fog in the background…and the overall sinisterness of this photo.

Cute masked crusaders in Creepy Hollow.

As we grew older, I wanted a little edge (well as much edge as an elementary kid and toddler could muster) to our giddy ups. I let my young inner badass out, as my sister scared the pants off no one as a two-headed monster, um, farmer?

That’s right. I was hardcore even in elementary school.

We slid slightly into the ghoulish department as my sidekick joined me in grade school.

Scaredy crow and premature mini old man. Almost spine-chilling. Almost.

Then I graduated to truly frightening and fearful territory as I crept toward junior high.  Pebbles was not impressed.

I’m also starting to wonder if there was any other color of hair paint than green, since that tends to be a trend here.

When we thought we were oh so grown up, our costumes reflected our mature attitudes.

Lady and the Tramp. Or Princess and Sock Hop Girl…however you want to see it.

We were reminded in following years just how far from adults we were…especially yours truly. A recycled mask and costume from a previous Halloween hid my “I’m way too old for this shit” attitude toward trick-or-treating when I was forced to go with my younger sister in the eighth grade.

I can’t tell who’s more excited – the monster or the witch.

And being older we’re not so much cute, cuddly or even scary creatures…we’re just mostly cocktailed.

The odd couple. Pocahontas and Kid Rock.

Now that we’re miles apart during the costuming time of year, it’s fun to look back at our sisterly ghosts of Halloweens past. But what’s even more fun is seeing her twin goblins growing to love the holidays as much as she and I did as kids.

Scary season #1.

Permanent partners-in-crime.

Scary season #2.

I know, I know.
The cutest fucking cat and dog you’ve ever seen.

Scary season #3.

Star Wars at its silliest.

Scary season #4.

A mermaid with her super hero.

Scary season #5.

Captain America and a Princess Peacock.

Scary Season #6.

Lloyd the LEGO ninja and a bitchin’ witch.

Scary Season #7.

No matter how you choose to spend Halloween, here’s to having a side kickin’ ghoul for your spooky festivities.

Happy Haunting!

CBXB

The Great Gourd Gussy Up

Once upon a time (like yesterday) this wickedly crazy for Halloween lady decided plain old orange pumpkins weren’t for her.

Merry Halloween!

I had sudden pangs of guilt for my three recently acquired, extremely traditional pumpkins because they sat on ordinary stairs, doing their best to decorate a very common staircase.

Plain, Plainer and Plainest.

These pumpkins longed to be dazzled up and shine their brightest in the Halloween spotlight (I mean c’mon, they’re my gourds after all – like they’d be satisfied staying a plain old orange) and because I have a knack for all things sparkly, I set out to bedazzle the hell out of my mini manse drawbridge.

It started with a few cans of contemporary magic….

All found at your local hardware castle.

…and grass magically turned silver (on accident, as I did try to protect it…kinda) when a pumpkin makeover commenced.

Shiny and Shinier.

A little metallic silver here and glossy black there and…

POOF!

Gussied up gourds in all their glory.

The poor peasant pumpkins went from mediocre to magnificent in moments.

But this Halloween monster still felt that something was missing on my little plump pretties.

Enter the masked crusaders. $2.00 each, Target.

Of course plain white accessories just wouldn’t do, so glitz was added with a witchy wave of a spray can.

Accompanied with a sprinkle of modern-day fairy dust.

And finally, garnished with glamour.

So it is with pleasure that I proudly introduce the gaudiest fairest pumpkins in all the land…

A gourd suited for my high maintenance pussy, Prince Ted.

And a precious pumpkin for even the most annoying feline in the animal kingdom, New Cat.

With the help of contemporary magic, these primped up pumpkins turned an ordinary staircase into a regal entrance.

The drawbridge of my mini manse is now complete.

And they’ll live happily ever after! (Well, they’ll live until I want to get my Christmas tree out on November 1st anyway)

Don’t judge.

CBXB

Weekend Winks – BOO!zin’ Style

Skinny Pirates, Halloween decor and college football oh my!

Holla for handles of Captain!
Oh how my dad knows the way to my heart…

Friday started with Miller Lite for Camo and Captain for me as I stopped for a quick happy hour at my fave Nashville watering hole, Dalts.

Drive by drink.

I only stayed for a few Skinny Pirates, as I’d been bit by the Halloween bug (yes, I know it’s still September and no, I don’t really give a shit).  It was mass chaos as I felt the need to unload every single piece of Halloween decor I owned before even attempting to decorate (maybe six a few Skinny Pirates and holiday embellishment don’t mix).

Don’t drink and decorate.

While I kept sipping on my Captain, my two fraidy cats felt the need to inspect the nooks and crannies of every box and bin.

Expert Halloween helpers.

I decided to wave the white flag in Halloween adornment surrender as the wee hours of Saturday morning were fast approaching and I was reminded by my nephew, Prince B what awaited me the following morning.

Iowa Hawkeye game day!

I headed out to game watch with my folks, where we nervously hoped for touchdowns in order to squeeze our moonshine tradition into Saturday.

Hawks score!

Moonshine mania posers.

This special spirit ever ceases to amaze me.

There’s no better accompaniment to moonshine than my dad’s ribs (his “best batch ever” is a phrase uttered each time he prepares them) and they didn’t disappoint this weekend.

Ribs ‘n’ shine.

While I couldn’t stuff my face with ribs any faster than a competitive eater, my niece was busy discovering her favorite flavor of salad dressing.

The Face Stuff

The Face Smother
Screw the Hawks game. Gimme my ranch.

Seems as if she’s taking after Auntie CBXB more and more every day with her classy ways. Be still my beating heart.

After a Hawks victory and a quick wardrobe change, it was time to sit in a standstill on my way to Mrs. America’s (who joined me in a reality sizzle reel earlier this year) house.

Is there anything more fun than sitting in an interstate parking lot?
Everything. Everything is more fun.

But it was all worthwhile when I laid eyes on Mrs. America who, along with her three princesses and hubby, just moved back to Nashville. Yeehaw!

Miss Trashtacular and Mrs. America.

While we were celebrating good fortune of her fabulous new house and positive network feedback on our sizzle, I ran across some extremely special decorative pieces from Mrs. America’s past.

I’m demanding she spotlight these over her bed in the master.

It was all fun and games Sunday, trying to sneak in some last rays of summer sun before it turns into crispy fall weather.

Sneaky sun success.

When the clouds rolled in, Ted demanded I get my ass in gear and finish garnishing our mini manse in all things black and orange.

Get this shit cleaned up. NOW.

Turns out Mr. Bear had an ulterier motive, as I was mauled the rest of the weekend.

Tag team.

Happy fall y’all!

CBXB

 

 

Mini-Manse of Horrors

No plans for thee on All Hallows’ Eve?

Might I entice you to my monstrous mini-manse of horrors for a little hair-raising Halloween celebrating?

Upon arriving to my haunted house, you will be greeted by a semi-scary wreath (you can’t live below the Mason Dixon line without a wreath hanging on your door. I’m serious. It’s like a law down here).

A skull bust and candles will acknowledge your arrival as you step into the entryway.

A Ghostess with the Mostess (you know, yours truly) will be your petrifying party guide for the nightmarish heyday.

A party at my palace wouldn’t be complete without a ghoulishly gussied up Glamingo (compliments of my friend G).

Turning into the cocktail lounge area, we’ll kick the eerie evening off with a mysterious martini after you select your glass from which you’ll be guzzling.

As we pass by the buffet, selections of spine-chilling snacks will be stacked in the jack-o-lantern for your ghostly delight.

Wicked wine is amassed in the corner bar if a mysterious martini isn’t for you (although you can have both. In fact, I encourage it).

We’ll then stock the bar cart with our favorite spellbinding spirits to wheel us through the rest of our twilight.

Gory goodies reside in the lobodomized skulls (which will come in handy as the witching hour grows near).

Turning into the kitchen a ghastly ghost of a lazy susan will welcome your entrance.

You’ll get the chills when you walk by my under used oven, which has not often felt the heat of its own fire.

Glitter flaunts itself in the form of a beastly BOO atop my kitchen cabinet.

While eyeballs behind the glass will be watching your every move.

If you try any terrifying tricks, you may meet the Grim Reaper. Or maybe end up oozing out of the freezer.

A devilish crew will be there as you step into the bloodcurling bathroom.

Skeletons costumed as witches will leer from their ledges.

And my little furry warlock will howl when it’s time for a refill.

As midnight draws near, we’ll make our way into my living room full of fear. (Disco balls and guitars are so damned terrifying, right?)

Otherworldly orange hues will illuminate from the tower of the piano.

And shadowy skulls will eye you from the coffee table.

A petrifyingly polite Johnny Cash will escort you to your seat.

Try not to be startled as this skull flickers red from within…

Or when cat eyes glow your way as you settle in.

Candles will be lit before the lights draw dim…

To prepare you for the movie madness about to begin.

No spells or potions can keep you away and being a no-show tomorrow is not a smart play.

See you around dusk then?

If not, heads will roll….

Happy Haunting!

CBXB

Weekend Winks – Spooky, Sparkly Style

Football, sequins, cocktails, felines and pooches….could a weekend get any better?

Sucking the weekend down in sequins. Is there any other way?

It seemed like such a good time to get out my Halloween decor. But Ted had other ideas in mind. Like sitting on the top of my bins, daring me with his knife-slicing gaze to remove him from his newly anointed throne.

Tower of Teddy terror.

But remove him I did and then this happened….

My personally created haunted nightmare.

In all of the horrific mess, I found appropriate October stemware which called for an immediate patio party and an abrupt halt to any Halloween decorating.

Let’s get sheet-faced. Because ghouls just want to have fun! Seriously.

And as my First Mate stopped by, we took our wine glass sayings to heart.

Captain and First Mate, one bottle down. An entire box to go.

While hazy in all of my sheet-faced aftermath, I awoke to a photo of the two cutest Iowa Hawkeyes on the entire planet (and yes, they’re my twin niece and nephew so I’m biased but seriously. Look at them. Seriously!) on Saturday .

B & B. Hawkeye Factory.

I tried being all cutesy in my full sequin giddy up (it was my alma matter’s homecoming after all) sending a rather harsh message to my friend cheering for the opposing team.

Double whammy classiness at the gas station.

In the end, it was I who had to eat crow, as my Hawks lost.

But some how, some way I still enjoyed the football food….

Tailgating treats.

And the moonshine shots every touchdown the Hawks scored…

A proud CBXB family tradition.

And the cutest f’ing mascots on the planet…

I mean, seriously!!!

While licking my losing wounds, I decided to introduce Tedstar to his very own mini manse, which looks fabulous in the living room of mine.

My blogfamous feline in his cozy new digs.

I felt it the appropriate time to gift Mr. Bear a little something as I was busy cheating on him while I dog sat for some friends.

My other crew.

I nestled in between my canine companions to watch a fun fairy tale of a movie…

But this is how the viewing party turned out…

My ear seriously must smell like beef jerky.

When it was time to turn the lights down low for the evening, I had deep feelings of guilt in the pit of my stomach while looking at this sweet face.

Temporary snuggle buddy.

Because hell hath no fury like a pissed off pussy (even if he has a new Juicy Couture, leopard fur cat cave).

He’s so on to me.

I have a feeling that Ted can smell the dog scent on my freshly laundered jeans.

I also have a feeling that I may be missing an eyeball later this week due to a very sharp, feline claw.

What a way to kick off the month of Halloween…

CBXB