The Great Gourd Gussy Up

Once upon a time (like yesterday) this wickedly crazy for Halloween lady decided plain old orange pumpkins weren’t for her.

Merry Halloween!

Merry Halloween!

I had sudden pangs of guilt for my three recently acquired, extremely traditional pumpkins because they sat on ordinary stairs, doing their best to decorate a very common staircase.

Plain, Plainer and Plainest.

These pumpkins longed to be dazzled up and shine their brightest in the Halloween spotlight (I mean c’mon, they’re my gourds after all – like they’d be satisfied staying a plain old orange) and because I have a knack for all things sparkly, I set out to bedazzle the hell out of my mini manse drawbridge.

It started with a few cans of contemporary magic….

All found at your local hardware castle.

…and grass magically turned silver (on accident, as I did try to protect it…kinda) when a pumpkin makeover commenced.

Shiny and Shinier.

A little metallic silver here and glossy black there and…

POOF!

Gussied up gourds in all their glory.

The poor peasant pumpkins went from mediocre to magnificent in moments.

But this Halloween monster still felt that something was missing on my little plump pretties.

Enter the masked crusaders. $2.00 each, Target.

Of course plain white accessories just wouldn’t do, so glitz was added with a witchy wave of a spray can.

Accompanied with a sprinkle of modern-day fairy dust.

And finally, garnished with glamour.

So it is with pleasure that I proudly introduce the gaudiest fairest pumpkins in all the land…

And a precious pumpkin for even the most annoying feline in the animal kingdom, New Cat.

With the help of contemporary magic, these primped up pumpkins turned an ordinary staircase into a regal entrance.

The drawbridge of my mini manse is now complete.

And they’ll live happily ever after! (Well, they’ll live until I want to get my Christmas tree out on November 1st anyway)

Don’t judge.

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – BOO!zin’ Style

Skinny Pirates, Halloween decor and college football oh my!

Holla for handles of Captain! Oh how my dad knows the way to my heart...

Holla for handles of Captain!
Oh how my dad knows the way to my heart…

Friday started with Miller Lite for Camo and Captain for me as I stopped for a quick happy hour at my fave Nashville watering hole, Dalts.

Drive by drink

Drive by drink.

I only stayed for a few Skinny Pirates, as I’d been bit by the Halloween bug (yes, I know it’s still September and no, I don’t really give a shit).  It was mass chaos as I felt the need to unload every single piece of Halloween decor I owned before even attempting to decorate (maybe six a few Skinny Pirates and holiday embellishment don’t mix).

Halloween nightmare.

Don’t drink and decorate.

While I kept sipping on my Captain, my two fraidy cats felt the need to inspect the nooks and crannies of every box and bin.

Two fraidy cat helpers.

Expert Halloween helpers.

I decided to wave the white flag in Halloween adornment surrender as the wee hours of Saturday morning were fast approaching and I was reminded by my nephew, Prince B what awaited me the following morning.

Hawkeye time!

Iowa Hawkeye game day!

I headed out to game watch with my folks, where we nervously hoped for touchdowns in order to squeeze our moonshine tradition into Saturday.

Moonshine

Hawks score!

Posers

Moonshine mania posers.

Never ceases to amaze me.

This special spirit ever ceases to amaze me.

There’s no better accompaniment to moonshine than my dad’s ribs (his “best batch ever” is a phrase uttered each time he prepares them) and they didn’t disappoint this weekend.

Washing down moonshine

Ribs ‘n’ shine.

While I couldn’t stuff my face with ribs any faster than a competitive eater, my niece was busy discovering her favorite flavor of salad dressing.

Face Stuff

The Face Stuff

Face Smother The girl loves her ranch, OK?

The Face Smother
Screw the Hawks game. Gimme my ranch.

Seems as if she’s taking after Auntie CBXB more and more every day with her classy ways. Be still my beating heart.

After a Hawks victory and a quick wardrobe change, it was time to sit in a standstill on my way to Mrs. America’s (who joined me in a reality sizzle reel earlier this year) house.

Is there anything more fun than sitting in an interstate parking lot? Everything. Everything is more fun.

Is there anything more fun than sitting in an interstate parking lot?
Everything. Everything is more fun.

But it was all worthwhile when I laid eyes on Mrs. America who, along with her three princesses and hubby, just moved back to Nashville. Yeehaw!

Miss and Mrs. America.

Miss Trashtacular and Mrs. America.

While we were celebrating good fortune of her fabulous new house and positive network feedback on our sizzle, I ran across some extremely special decorative pieces from Mrs. America’s past.

We love us.

I’m demanding she spotlight these over her bed in the master.

It was all fun and games Sunday, trying to sneak in some last rays of summer sun before it turns into crispy fall weather.

Sneaky sneaky.

Sneaky sun success.

When the clouds rolled in, Ted demanded I get my ass in gear and finish garnishing our mini manse in all things black and orange.

Demanding I finish up this mess.

Get this shit cleaned up. NOW.

Turns out Mr. Bear had an ulterier motive, as I was mauled the rest of the weekend.

Because it was time for couch and cuddles.

Tag team.

Happy fall y’all!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

Mini-Manse of Horrors

No plans for thee on All Hallows’ Eve?

Might I entice you to my monstrous mini-manse of horrors for a little hair-raising Halloween celebrating?

Upon arriving to my haunted house, you will be greeted by a semi-scary wreath (you can’t live below the Mason Dixon line without a wreath hanging on your door. I’m serious. It’s like a law down here).

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A skull bust and candles will acknowledge your arrival as you step into the entryway.

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A Ghostess with the Mostess (you know, yours truly) will be your petrifying party guide for the nightmarish heyday.

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A party at my palace wouldn’t be complete without a ghoulishly gussied up Glamingo (compliments of my friend G).

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Turning into the cocktail lounge area, we’ll kick the eerie evening off with a mysterious martini after you select your glass from which you’ll be guzzling.

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As we pass by the buffet, selections of spine-chilling snacks will be stacked in the jack-o-lantern for your ghostly delight.

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Wicked wine is amassed in the corner bar if a mysterious martini isn’t for you (although you can have both. In fact, I encourage it).

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We’ll then stock the bar cart with our favorite spellbinding spirits to wheel us through the rest of our twilight.

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Gory goodies reside in the lobodomized skulls (which will come in handy as the witching hour grows near).

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Turning into the kitchen a ghastly ghost of a lazy susan will welcome your entrance.

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You’ll get the chills when you walk by my under used oven, which has not often felt the heat of its own fire.

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Glitter flaunts itself in the form of a beastly BOO atop my kitchen cabinet.

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While eyeballs behind the glass will be watching your every move.

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If you try any terrifying tricks, you may meet the Grim Reaper. Or maybe end up oozing out of the freezer.

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A devilish crew will be there as you step into the bloodcurling bathroom.

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Skeletons costumed as witches will leer from their ledges.

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And my little furry warlock will howl when it’s time for a refill.

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As midnight draws near, we’ll make our way into my living room full of fear. (Disco balls and guitars are so damned terrifying, right?)

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Otherworldly orange hues will illuminate from the tower of the piano.

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And shadowy skulls will eye you from the coffee table.

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A petrifyingly polite Johnny Cash will escort you to your seat.

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Try not to be startled as this skull flickers red from within…

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Or when cat eyes glow your way as you settle in.

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Candles will be lit before the lights draw dim…

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To prepare you for the movie madness about to begin.

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No spells or potions can keep you away and being a no-show tomorrow is not a smart play.

See you around dusk then?

If not, heads will roll….

Happy Haunting!

CBXB

Weekend Winks – Spooky, Sparkly Style

Football, sequins, cocktails, felines and pooches….could a weekend get any better?

Sucking the weekend down in sequins. Is there any other way?

Sucking the weekend down in sequins. Is there any other way?

It seemed like such a good time to get out my Halloween decor. But Ted had other ideas in mind. Like sitting on the top of my bins, daring me with his knife-slicing gaze to remove him from his newly anointed throne.

Tower of Teddy terror.

Tower of Teddy terror.

But remove him I did and then this happened….

My haunted nightmare.

My personally created haunted nightmare.

In all of the horrific mess, I found appropriate October stemware which called for an immediate patio party and an abrupt halt to any Halloween decorating.

Let's get sheeetfaced. Seriously.

Let’s get sheet-faced. Because ghouls just want to have fun! Seriously.

And as my First Mate stopped by, we took our wine glass sayings to heart.

First Mate

Captain and First Mate, one bottle down. An entire box to go.

While hazy in all of my sheet-faced aftermath, I awoke to a photo of the two cutest Iowa Hawkeyes on the entire planet (and yes, they’re my twin niece and nephew so I’m biased but seriously. Look at them. Seriously!) on Saturday .

Seriously.

B & B. Hawkeye Factory.

I tried being all cutesy in my full sequin giddy up (it was my alma matter’s homecoming after all) sending a rather harsh message to my friend cheering for the opposing team.

Double whammy

Double whammy classiness at the gas station.

In the end, it was I who had to eat crow, as my Hawks lost.

But some how, some way I still enjoyed the football food….

Tailgating treats

Tailgating treats.

And the moonshine shots every touchdown the Hawks scored…

All of the moonshine in the land

A proud CBXB family tradition.

And the cutest f’ing mascots on the planet…

I mean, seriously!!!

I mean, seriously!!!

While licking my losing wounds, I decided to introduce Tedstar to his very own mini manse, which looks fabulous in the living room of mine.

Ted's new mini manse

My blogfamous feline in his cozy new digs.

I felt it the appropriate time to gift Mr. Bear a little something as I was busy cheating on him while I dog sat for some friends.

Viewing party

My other crew.

I nestled in between my canine companions to watch a fun fairy tale of a movie…

Tangly

But this is how the viewing party turned out…

All make out sesh

My ear seriously must smell like beef jerky.

When it was time to turn the lights down low for the evening, I had deep feelings of guilt in the pit of my stomach while looking at this sweet face.

Snuggle Buddy

Temporary snuggle buddy.

Because hell hath no fury like a pissed off pussy (even if he has a new Juicy Couture, leopard fur cat cave).

HRH

He’s so on to me.

I have a feeling that Ted can smell the dog scent on my freshly laundered jeans.

I also have a feeling that I may be missing an eyeball later this week due to a very sharp, feline claw.

What a way to kick off the month of Halloween…

CBXB

CBXB!

Ghosts of Halloween Past

When I grew up, Halloween was the kick-off to a long awaited holiday season.

We had costume parties at school (when you used to be able to call it a Halloween party complete with witches and bats, instead of a bland Fall Festival complete with scarecrows and hay bales – why were party poopers invented?), small town parades to prance proudly down our eight block Main Street (where every single citizen seemed to show up) and trick-or-treating mania where I’d have to come home halfway through the evening and dump my candy (promptly hiding it all from my dad or it’d be gone by morning) because my pumpkin got so overloaded, it was too heavy for me to carry.

What better way to celebrate Halloween than to dress up as Cookie Monster and pedal your best lookin’ stuffed animals on a parade through town? OK, forget the cute monster on the trike. What about the clowns in the background?

Spectator Sport. Told you the whole town showed up (there’s still time for you to go this year). And let’s discuss my mom’s creativity with the cookie wheels… genius!

Lucky for me most of my life, I’ve always had my sister side kickin’ it as a partner-in-crime. If I was going to be dressing up (sometimes making an ass out of myself in later years) she was going to be doing it too, by God (town parades included).

In the beginning of our twosome, we were all about cutesy costumes.

The Rockstar and Raggedy Ann. There’s my pumpkin I had to come home and unload due to candy mania – all in a town of 1,000 folks.

Cute masked crusaders…but what about the foggy background? Creepy!

As we got a little older, I suppose we wanted to be edgy (or as edgy an elementary kid and toddler could be).

That’s right. We rock. And so does my Fisher Price mobile cassette player. Snazzy carrying strap!

A scarecrow (complete with hay in the overalls – keepin’ it real!) and a mini-old man. Almost scary. Almost.

Then we graduated to truly frightening and fearful territory.

Scary Skeleton (how fitting) and Pebbles (decked out in her Strawberry Shortcake slippers). I’m also starting to wonder if there was any other color of hair paint than green, since that tends to be a trend here.

As we thought we were so grown up our costumes reflected our mature attitudes.

Lady and the Tramp. Or Princess and Sock Hop girl…however you want to look at it.

Only to remind ourselves in following years just how far from adults we were…

This Monster obviously wanted to trick-or-treat more than the Witch. A recycled mask and costume from previous years (getting lazy on us, Mom?). I was probably ‘too old’ and way too cool to show my face.

And being older we’re not so much cute, cuddly creatures…we’re just mostly cocktailed.

The odd couple. Pocahontas and Kid Rock.

Now that we’re miles apart during the costuming time of year, it’s fun to look back at our sisterly ghosts of Halloween past.  You should take a look at the old skeletons in your closet.

You aren’t a fraidy cat, are you?

CBXB

One Night Stand

You know how they say you should never sleep with an ex?

Well, some people never learn.

Especially trashtastic folks like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

The Federlines. In all of their shaved noggin, wig headed black hair, pre-Celebrity Fit Club appearances.

Bored with current “good girl” image while judging (snore) on The X Factor (yawn), Britney went back to her wiley ways, if just for one night. I mean, being white trashy is knowing something is wrong but doing it anyway (probably how everyone feels the morning after running into an ex. In your bed) and not giving a rat’s rear end about it (not even a morsel of remorse).

In celebration of their “one night stand” reunion, Brit and K-Fed wanted to share their fabulously trashy treats they’ll be serving to cavity hungry monsters from the double wide mansion tonight.

1. K-Fed’s “Famous Family Jewels”

K-Fed can procreate like nobody’s business, so it’s only fitting that this is his favorite dish.  He stumbled on these nuts while cruising through the very non-trashy onceamonth4ladies blog (he’s secretly in love with the fabulous foursome).

1 cup brown sugar
1 cup sugar
3TBL pumpkin spice
3 cups of your most cherished nuts
1 egg white
2 tsp vanilla

Mix the sugars and pumpkin spice in a bowl (or whatever is laying around the trailer). In a separate container, whisk the egg white and vanilla. Slowly mix nuts into egg and vanilla mixture, add sugar and stir until your arm hurts (which for K-Fed now is about 15 rounds in the bowl). Run your finger through your hair to grease the crock pot (if you don’t do this, you’ll have sticky nuts and that’s no good for anyone).

Once marinated, slow cook the nuts for two hours, stirring every 30 minutes.

Please pass the nut sack. Britney wanted serve K-Feds faves in a plastic Walmart bag. Whatever floats your boat.

2. Frankenstein Fungus Pops

Brit burglarized this recipe from Colorado blogger Glitzgirlzglamourguide.com (where the Frankensteins are way more fabulous).

1 pack jumbo marshmallows
1 package chocolate chips
1 can green food color spray (unless you have moldy ‘mellos)
black sparkle baking gel
sucker sticks

On a paper towel, spray marshmallows green. In a saucepan, melt 1/4 of the chocolate chips over low heat. Once fungusy enough, take the marshmallow and dunk the top in the chocolate.

Draw face with sparkle gel and insert sucker stick once dry.

3. Louisiana Lurkers

Britney actually thinks she can get pregnant just by looking at these cookies. Go figure.

1 package of Nutter Butter cookies
black sparkle baking gel
white chocolate chips

Melt chocolate chips over low heat in a sauce pan.  Dip Nutter Butters into melted chocolate, place on wax paper and let cool.  Once dry, paint on the “Oops I Did It Again” face.

Not again!

And that friends, is what you can find peering out of your plastic pumpkin if you stop by the trailer of terror.

Back for seconds.

If you hurry, you can make your own trashy treats (minus the tetanus shot) under your own roof before the door gets banged down by ghouls tonight.

Go on now and git’r’done. Even if it involves an ex.

CBXB

CBXB!

Little House of Horrors

I am a decorating fanatic. Like, I want to get my Halloween decorations out on August 1st enthusiast. I’ve had larger living spaces in the past, complete with mantles, stairways and built-in bookshelves.  Now that I have down-sized, I can’t cram all of my holiday decor into 700 square feet (well, I could but you’d be calling Hoarders).

Happy HallowThanksmas! Stocking up on Halloween craft essentials while perusing the Christmas trees at Home Depot. Heaven!

I’ve become a little more creative (hence the spray paint above) in spooking up my minimal space. Here’s a glimpse at my attempts to transform my place into a miniature house of horrors…

I stuff crazy ex-boyfriends in the freezer with a little help from Hallmark.

I have a freezer and I’m not afraid to use it.

Moveable Decorations, $5.00.

I  continuously switch out seasonal candles on my entertainment center.

This is candle stays put all year round, of course. A gift from The Label.

A flameless ferocious feline (Ted’s favorite decoration). Battery powered candle, TJ Maxx, $3.99.

Having a small space doesn’t mean you can’t decorate with big pieces (at least for me it doesn’t. Especially when they involve glitter. Then my motto becomes the bigger the better…).

Glitterlicious.

Letters, $20 for the set, Hallmark.

A square-cut hurricane candle holder sits on my coffee table that I update with holiday decor.

Tri-colored skulls. $9.99, TJ Maxx.

If only the orange skulls were pink…I could leave out all year!

I invested in this green glitter (do you sense a theme here?) tree that I can use for multiple holidays (can’t wait to add pink decor to it for Christmas!).

Green glitter tree, Hallmark.

I use wine charms as Halloween ‘ornaments.’

Switching out an existing picture frame with holiday decor is easy (as long as you have somewhere to stash the usual pic…which is almost always under my bed).

Swapped this glitter witch piece out with everyday crown decor in my bathroom. This was gifted to me by my sister but I think she most likely scored it at TJ Maxx.

Helpful Halloween to-do tips (in case you forgot) replaces regular kitchen decor.

A cheap, easy way to spruce up for the holiday season. Hand towels, Target.

Candles are always a must for me (I mean, I do have a cat – don’t they go hand in hand?) and this haunted house holder makes my vanity trio complete.

Wicked frame, Hallmark. Candle holder, Bath & Body Works. Skull and crossbones jewelry plate, gift.

Now you know how I sneak some of holiday decor into my mini-manse and I’m sure you think it’s fabulous, right? If you don’t, I’ll be happy to show you my freezer…

CBXB

CBXB!