Weekend Winks – Drunken Family Rivalries

Oh what to do when your fave college team is playing their in state rivals (and cousin’s fave team)? Iowa Hawkeye fans get their asses on the road from Nashville to Atlanta for a little family rivalry fun, viewing the game together.

Suck it State.

Suck it Iowa State.

Of course I can’t hardly live without my main feline squeeze, Ted so I packed him into the caravan (possibly against his wishes).

Naturally I also packed my my main feline squeeze into the caravan.

Pussy packed and not ready!

Although Mr. Bear’s traveling spirits perked right up when Gpa offered up some of his cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger in paradise.

Cheeseburger in paradise.

Cold cocktails awaited our arrival in Atlanta much to our delight.

Double the Skinny Pirates.

Double the Skinny Pirates.

The real reason I brought Tedstar to Atlanta was to babysit my cousin’s adorable duo while the adults ventured to the Atlanta Iowa Hawkeye Club for the football viewing party.

Trio

Adventures in babysitting.

The sweet, southern belle gathering was about to get loud as our transplanted northern selves took over the viewing space at Mazzy’s Sports Bar in Roswell.

You should have seen my toe touches.

You should have seen my toe touches.

I have to give props to my cousin Tballs who was the lone Iowa State fan in the Hawkeye bar.

The lone Iowa State fan at the Hawkeye bar. CyCLONER

CycLONER

Keeping up with our classy, traditional Hawkeye touchdown shots, we started early in the first quarter. Even Tballs the Cyclone was a good sport at first.

TD #1!

TD #1!

TD #2 left us Hawk fans happy.

TD #2 left us Hawk fans happy.

TD #3 required some muscle.

TD #3 required some muscle.

The fourth and fifth shots went a little like…

What the who?

What the who?

But the sixth shot went down like a charm…as us Hawk fans had to use two hands compared to the big 0 for the Cyclones.

But the sixth went down like a charm.

Winning doesn’t suck.

With a winning score of 42-3, we needed to take a victory pic, of course.

Winners photo!

Sleeping beauties and their beast.

Photo op 3,412 turned out alright!

Photo op 3,412 turned out with all eyes open!

On Sunday, my Iowa twins were picking apples in the orchard while the football fans were trying to revive our livers with anything other than a shot of alcohol.

Apple pickers.

Apple pickers.

Thankfully, the livers responded well to our choice of water (and a little hair of the dog) and we were all back in the saddle again – ready for next week’s tailgate!

If you visit my blog frequently, you know I’m banana pants over animals of all kinds. Most of you I know virtually and in daily life, love their fur babies like true human spawn. So when something indescribably inhumane happens to one of pal’s animals, I can’t help but have a hurt heart.

Please keep my friend Bex and her family in your loving thoughts, sending them some good juju as their beloved Fred was hit by a car on Friday – and the driver kept going, seeing that it hit a dog. Heartbreakingly, Fred didn’t survive his injuries and is no doubt leaving a void in their home.

Accidents happen but motherfuckers who leave the scene they created have a special place waiting for them in hell.

We also need some fabulous karma thrown in my Aunt Crazy Pants’ way. She’s fighting her way through cancer like Rocky Balboa but sometimes we need a water break and pep talk.

img_3311

So here’s to kicking cancer’s ass!

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

In Heaven There is No Beer…

It’s the most wonderful time of the year (aside from my birthday, Ted’s birthday, Christmas and the Iowa State Fair)!

IMG_7503

The white trash classiness that is my life continues as another season of college football kicks off this weekend!

My dad and I started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, scored with a shot of moonshine (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks – which is how this lovely tradition began. Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

First shot of the season.

First shot of the season feels so good!

Our freezer stash of Popcorn Sutton’s Tennessee White Whiskey is prepped and ready to go for the season opener.

Iced

Chic shenanigans await.

Problem is this year, Dada CBXB is heading up to see my fave duo on the planet as I type, so we’ll have to resort to our trashtacular tradition via Facetime, which we’ve already mastered in years past.

Miles schmiles.

Miles schmiles.

Being that the Hawks were 12-0 in the regular season last year, we hope our liver tolerance remains in tact for alcohol that makes chest hair grow whether you like it or not. While we’ll be celebrating apart, we have everything we need to round out the first college game day.

Double fisting at its finest.

Double fisting at its finest.

W-I-N.

Who’s with us?

CBXB

CBXB!

Trashtacular Family Tradition

The white trash classiness that is my life continues as another season of college football kicked off last week.

My dad and I started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, scored with a shot of moonshine (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks – which is how this lovely tradition began. Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

First shot of the season.

First shot of the season feels so good!

Naturally, you can’t do shots of moonshine without something to coat the belly first, so we had our finest tailgating treats out before the 11am kickoff.

Finger lickin' good.

Yes, that’s my blogfamous Shit Dip and you should really try it this weekend.

Our freezer stash of Popcorn Sutton’s Tennessee White Whiskey was prepped and ready to go for the season opener.

Iced

Chic shenanigans await.

Much to our delight, Iowa scored on the opening drive of the game, which meant moonshine was downed at precisely 11:11am on a Saturday morning.

Touchdown Iowa!

Touchdown Iowa!

The second Hawkeyes score of the game came just before noon and we decided it best to flaunt which shot we were on with our digits.

Double the fun!

Double the fun!

In the third quarter, Iowa snuck in another touchdown making the score 24-0, which didn’t disappoint us – although it did make trying to do a selfie with three fingers in the air a tad difficult – but somehow we pulled through.

Triple threat.

Triple threat.

While Iowa let our opponents score twice, we answered with a fourth touchdown, making the final score 31-14.

Waaay funner by the fourth.

Waaay funner by the fourth.

You’d think it was lights out after a four moonshine shot victory but over the last few football seasons we’ve gained quite the tolerance for alcohol that makes chest hair grow whether you like it or not. So, thankfully we had plenty more of everything needed to round out the first college game day.

Double fisting at its finest.

Double fisting at its finest.

And the countdown for next week is on.

Who’s with us?

CBXB

CBXB!

They Call Me Captain

It’s funny how a nickname can commence.

CBXB as Captain.

The Captain.

I’m sure my parent’s hearts burst with pride knowing that I’ve obtained a substitute moniker that refers to my favorite rum, Captain Morgan.

Possible love of my life.

The spicy love of my life – other than Ted, of course.

I’m not sure the exact moment I fell head over heels for Captain but when the mix of this piquant rum and Diet Coke crossed my lips for the first time, the love of a Skinny Pirate was born and I’ve had one in hand almost ever since.

Double down

Documenting my liquid affection.

You see, Skinny Pirates are just the perfect accompaniment to any life situation…

Sneaky sneak.

Sneaky sneak time movie fun.

Keeping me cool in the pool

Keeping me cool in the sun.

Go Hawks

Cheering me through Iowa Hawkeyes game days like it’s my religion.

Holiday tradition

Creating Griswold family style traditions.

Keep you cool

Quenching my thirst after work outs.

Puts the ho in my down at country shows

Putting the ho in my down at country shows.

Fancy Captain

Following me from fancy places…

fancy place to low class spaces

…. to low class spaces.

Double fist, so don't leave out

Even when I try to cheat, Captain just can’t be beat.

Easily swallowed through a sippy cup.

Easily swallowed through a sippy cup.

Holiday helper

Skinny Pirates also help loosen the holidays up.

No hands

No hands needed to drink this libation.

Captain helps me sparkle

And my Captain keeps me sparkling on every occassion.

Good time Captain

There when I celebrate small life successes.

Mani

An inspiration for making Mani Mondays a bit excessive.

Selfie helper

Always keeping me company at the bar.

So what if my dream boat is a fake pirate?

So what if my main squeeze comes from a glass jar?

As you can see, my favorite libation is never far from my reach and Captain is suitable in addressing me.

The Captain

In fashion with Captain.

As my favorite pirate says, “To live, love and loot!”

You’d better cheers with me or this Captain will give you the boot.
CBXB

CBXB!

 

How to Conduct a Trashtacular Moonshine Toast

Keepin' the family tradition alive...

Keepin’ the family tradition alive…

Being from such a classy clan, we started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown or field goal that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, score with a shot of one’s choice (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks (which is how this lovely tradition began). Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

This past weekend, my dad really upped ante (and kept it Southern) by blowing the dust off of a jar of moonshine for our required celebratory shots.

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey (it's called whiskey instead of moonshine because they pay taxes).

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey (it’s called white whiskey instead of moonshine because they pay taxes).

In order to prep for a trashtacular toast (and be sure you’re ready for a photo-op), you must first be sure your three free fingers that aren’t holding the shot glass are available for a partial jazz hand.

Digits

Digits prepped and ready.

Second, make sure your ‘do is did. Right before this pic was snapped, my dad said, “I hope I combed my hair.”

Either way, it was too late as the toast was already in motion.

Hair

What hair? The one strand on top of your head?

Next, be sure you prolong the inevitable by clinking your glasses several times.

Don't forget the fingers.

Again, don’t forget the fingers.

Then before you take the shot, say something really clever like my dad, who said, “You know, once you go moonshine you never……….”

*Silence*

*Crickets*

Feel free to borrow this toast whenever you shoot moonshine next.

Down the hatch slowly...

Trepidatious cheers.

Boom!

Down the hatch…

Smooth?

Smooth. But hopefully the Hawks don’t score again until the second half.

Never one to be at a loss for words (unless he’s conducting a toast), my dad concluded our initial shot by saying, “Best shine I ever had.”

My response followed, “Oh no shit, Dad. It’s the first time you’ve ever had moonshine,” (although Popcorn Sutton is awfully tasty – it also mixes well with lemonade or Diet Coke for you white whiskey connoisseurs that aren’t down with our family tradition of straight shooting).

While we were hemming and hawing over the “best shine ever,” the Hawkeyes scored again.

Again?!

For F’s sake. Again?! And again. And again.

So even if your team loses (like ours did in the last ten seconds), you can have some bright, shiny fun watching the game anyway with a little bit of Southern likker.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!