The Great Gourd Gussy Up

Once upon a time (like yesterday) this wickedly crazy for Halloween lady decided plain old orange pumpkins weren’t for her.

Merry Halloween!

Merry Halloween!

I had sudden pangs of guilt for my three recently acquired, extremely traditional pumpkins because they sat on ordinary stairs, doing their best to decorate a very common staircase.

Plain, Plainer and Plainest.

These pumpkins longed to be dazzled up and shine their brightest in the Halloween spotlight (I mean c’mon, they’re my gourds after all – like they’d be satisfied staying a plain old orange) and because I have a knack for all things sparkly, I set out to bedazzle the hell out of my mini manse drawbridge.

It started with a few cans of contemporary magic….

All found at your local hardware castle.

…and grass magically turned silver (on accident, as I did try to protect it…kinda) when a pumpkin makeover commenced.

Shiny and Shinier.

A little metallic silver here and glossy black there and…

POOF!

Gussied up gourds in all their glory.

The poor peasant pumpkins went from mediocre to magnificent in moments.

But this Halloween monster still felt that something was missing on my little plump pretties.

Enter the masked crusaders. $2.00 each, Target.

Of course plain white accessories just wouldn’t do, so glitz was added with a witchy wave of a spray can.

Accompanied with a sprinkle of modern-day fairy dust.

And finally, garnished with glamour.

So it is with pleasure that I proudly introduce the gaudiest fairest pumpkins in all the land…

And a precious pumpkin for even the most annoying feline in the animal kingdom, New Cat.

With the help of contemporary magic, these primped up pumpkins turned an ordinary staircase into a regal entrance.

The drawbridge of my mini manse is now complete.

And they’ll live happily ever after! (Well, they’ll live until I want to get my Christmas tree out on November 1st anyway)

Don’t judge.

CBXB

CBXB!

How Many Drunks Does it Take to Hang Wallpaper?

What seems like more fun after a few cocktails than trying to conquer a wallpapering project?

It’s what all the cool kids do on a Friday night, right?

Right?

Fun times

Happy and Happier about to embark on tasks better left to the sober.

While I was perusing my mothership Target last week, I discovered peel and stick wallpaper that stopped me dead in my tracks (the cart actually made screeching sound).

All the pretty paper

How could I refrain from the fabulousness?

You see, I have a pretty drab (i.e. not gaudy enough for me) wall that is screaming for some sprucing up in my mini manse and for $30, I could chevron the shit out of the bland area.

Ho hum wall.

No worries – help is coming by way of two drunks!

I was able to coerce my handy buddy Camo after a couple of Skinny Pirates at our local watering hole into hanging (of course the poor guy believed me when I said I’d help) the cool new decor I’d found.

Here are the supplies you will need:

Captain Morgan (or libation of your choice)

Wallpaper (we suggest peel and stick)

Scissors (leopard print cuts better)

Tape measure (to hopefully watch someone else use)

Razor blade (just in case things don’t work out)

Supplies

Winning with supplies.

You will also need one pissy pussy to assist as project manager.

Plus one grounch project manager who just wnated to cuddle

Someone is miffed that wallpapering comes before cuddling.

After removing the mirror, I documented the transformation as Camo carefully laid the first piece of paper with ease.

Watch Document

He’s hired.

Ted dictated our his every move.

Watch  Supervise

Overbearing authority.

Camo had everything under control until I saw bubbles forming underneath my wall sticker.

Wrinkles be damned!

Wrinkles be damned!

Then in between sips of Skinny Pirates, I got my paws on the stuff and wrinkled it into a crumbly mess.

Made worse by yours truly WRinkle ruiner

CBXB wallpaper fail.

After I managed to single-handedly thwart any and all wallpapering attempts, Camo suggested a paint job which I thought sounded like a genius idea as I could sit and watch document for this post.

Drunk painting party!

Drunk painting party!

Supervising

My arms got tired taking pictures.

And after all of the nonsense, the wall turned out pretty damn perfect.

Tah-Dah!

Tah-Dah!

So obviously two drunks don’t make a wallpapering right.

But what would happen if one went at it alone?

Second round of tools

Supplies for one, round two.

Bound and determined I was going to get this damn wallpaper up in my mini manse if it was the last thing I ever did, another boring wall was selected for me to manhandle.

Blah

My prey.

Rolling out the chevron sticker in my kitchen kinda made me wish this was a rug (wine makes the mind wander, doesn’t it?).

Chevron carpet

Mesmerized by measuring.

Once I thought the wallpaper was ready to go up, I quickly had to stop and guzzle a glass of vino as the fucking wrinkles, bubbles and creases reared their ugly heads again.

Not so much...same outcome, different night?

Why is this happening? WHY?!

Upon using wine as an alternative to Xanax, I calmly kept forging ahead in my not-so-perfect project because by God this was going to work.

After two hours of cussing, sweating, swearing, drinking and fighting through the urge to burn the wallpaper, the stars suddenly aligned and my luck turned a corner for the better.

As I stepped back to admire my minor accomplishment, I had a feeling I’d soon be known as a world-renowned wallpaper hanger upper.

Nope!

One drunk = a wallpaper success!

Until I got a little closer for a look at remaining imperfections from the sloppy installer.

Don't look too close

Too bad you can’t Botox walls.

Upon taking a further step back, I realized the job was lacking something pretty major…

Completion.

Half assed from one drunk

Half-assed wallpapering at its finest.

Maybe three drunks will be my lucky charm?

I’ll keep you posted.
CBXB

CBXB!