How to Get a Kiss From a New Kid on the Block

I kissed a New Kid and I liked it…

New Kids on the Block made the Earth go ’round when I was a kid in the early ’90s.  So finding out a tour would be stopping in Nashville, how could I say no to a concert with Boyz II Men (who were utterly fantastic), 98 Degrees (eh, mid-tempo sucky songs but featured a very hot Nick Lachey) and NKOTB?

OMG! OMG! OMG! I think I see JOey!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I think I see Joey!

In order to stand out (or in my case, make a complete asshole of myself), dig your old concert t-shirt out and wear it proudly to the show (I can only wear t-shirts I did as a kid because I was a fat kid – that and my chest size has remained the same…lucky me!).

Bringing it back with vintage, baby.

Bringing it back with vintage, baby.

Once arriving to the arena, just scream your brains out while waiting for the dream boats to take the stage.

I couldn't stop singing to pose for a pic.

I couldn’t stop shrieking to pose for a pic.

Then the lights go down, the moment arrives and you act like you’re seeing The Beatles’ American debut.

Fab Five! OMG!

Fab Five! OMG!

Holy shit! They're here! we acted like we were seeing the Beatles American debut.

Holy shit! They’re here!

Because I have sharp joints, I was able to elbow my way up to the walkway and oogle over my new favorite New Kid (Joey – now with a grown up name of Joe has always been my favorite, as we were going to get married, live in Boston, have three kids and five dogs but for some reason, I’m falling a little short of that dream as I’m currently not married to him and the love of my life is a cat…hmm…) Donnie Wahlberg.

Donnie and his sparkly skull belt = my match made in heaven.

Donnie and his sparkly skull belt = my match made in heaven.

And then, it was further confirmed that we were destined to be together once I saw his abs.

And then, it was further confirmed that we were destined to be together once I saw his abs.

So as I jostled my way up to the barrier where NKOTB walked from the main stage to a stage in the middle of the crowd, I immediately hatched a plan to be a stand-out in a sea of 14,994 ladies (there were about 6 dudes in attendance that I could see).

What NKOTB member wouldn't appreciate a fuchsia lip? I had to stand out in the crowd of 14, 994 women.

What NKOTB member wouldn’t appreciate a fuchsia lip?

After you gussy yourself up, put on your nonchalant, I am not a super huge fan (although I’m currently wearing your face at 18 years of age on my t-shirt) face and wait for your selected NKOTB member to fall in love with you in one fateful glance.

Primped and ready to go! Oh Donnie!!!

Primped and ready to go! Oh Donnie!!!

And then, something truly amazing happened. As the New Kids were running through and slapping hands at the end of the show, I was patiently waiting for Donnie to look my way when, out of nowhere Jonathan Knight stopped right in front of me, put his hand behind my head, pulled me in and kissed me on the lips. Like kiss kissed (that is until my two girlfriends (Bitches! Stealing my moment!) cock blocked me and yanked him their way, which forced a security guard to pull my new love away from me).

This is what happened when gay lips hit mine. Isn't that just like a gay man to be considerate, thoughtful and bake sure confetti drops from the sky while kissing a needy fan?!

This is what happened when his lips hit mine. Wasn’t it sweet he arranged confetti to drop at the exact moment we were having our ‘moment’?

As I watched my new-found love being whisked away, I demanded to stay until he came back out and asked me to join him on the tour bus. But security got to my group first and pushed us out of the arena. F’ing guards doing their jobs. Ugh.

Being that I was on cloud nine (and still am calling and texting my friends daily to remind them of my encounter) all I could do while walking to the car was celebrate.

I KISSED JONATHAN!

I KISSED JONATHAN!

Then it dawned on me…I was just open mouth kissed by a man I can never have. No, not because I’m a bad kisser – because Jonathan is the gay man of the group. F! But wait, what woman doesn’t want a gorgeous gay man by her side, telling her how pretty she looks, what shoes go best with skinny jeans and a constant guide in the area of whether I need the push up bra or not.  I’m going to ask this man to marry me.

I think I went wrong in using the fuchsia lipstick to attract Donnie, as only a gay man can truly, truly appreciate the color. But it was fate.

Hey, did I tell you that I kissed Jonathan Knight from New Kids on the Block?

I’ll be sure to remind you of it again tomorrow.

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks

Oh the holidays are here – with Nashville weekend parties of good cheer!

First a “Come as your favorite Tennessean” shin dig.  I went as The King of Rock’n’Roll (in the latter, bloated, bedazzled jumpsuit wearing days).

As Elvis

Elvis and the not so graceful karate pose.

What party is complete without vodka soaked gummy bears?

Reba gets gummied.

An ’80s Reba McEntire gets gummied.

A ladle was used instead of a regular spoon (way too small) for proper vodka bear consumption.

A ladle was used instead of a regular spoon (way too small) for proper vodka bear consumption.

A little recovery with my Bear before heading out to a holiday pot luck on Saturday.

My Christmas Bear and his holiday bowl. Yes, even Ted likes his space decorated for Christmas.

My Christmas Bear and his holiday bowl. Yes, even Ted likes his space decorated for Christmas.

A festive looking Shit Dip for my pot luck appetizer.

For my blog famous Shit Dip recipe, click here.

To get the blog famous Shit Dip recipe, click here.

And of course festive accessories always complete an outfit – even if you have to partially remove a boot to reveal.

I heart Santa all the way down to my socks.

I heart Santa all the way down to my socks.

A host with the most bedazzled my Skinny Skull cocktails.

A green straw, yellow deer, turquoise monkey and fuchsia stirrer made me easily guzzle my cocktails.

A green straw, yellow deer, turquoise monkey and fuchsia stirrer made one hell of a festive drink that I was more than happy to guzzle.

After a few cocktails, the kitchen seemed so bland for a party. Therefore we moved it into the hostess’s newly renovated closet.

Party time photo shoot in the closet after a few rounds of Fireball. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Party time photo shoot in the closet after a few rounds of Fireball. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Living in Nashville, you never know what star will appear to crash the party.

Nashville's version of KISS member Paul Stanley showed up in the wee hours of the pot luck.

Nashville’s version of KISS member Paul Stanley showed up in the wee hours of the party toting an oh-so-fabulous Louis Vuitton.

And speaking of appearances, the host of the potluck purchased this very lovely snowman sweater off a party-goer at my Christmas party last year.  It was used as chair decor Saturday evening.

The warmest holiday sweater around.

How could you live without this sweater? You don’t. You just get drunk and buy it off of a fellow guest’s back.

And after all of the overindulging on Friday and Saturday, I could only muster a walk to my couch in my leopard onesie for Sunday lazies with Ted.

All this gal could do on Sunday was lay around in my Cray Cray Cat Lady pjs.

Cray Cray Cat Lady lingerie is perfect when nursing a weekend full of fun.

And now, resting up for next week’s parties galore.

Oh the woes of this Captain’s life.

CBXB