National Teddy Bear…er… I Mean Cat Day

I’m knee-deep in a shit show today folks.

You see, I’ve been all wrapped up in Halloween shenanigans and my gal pal Amanda just called my attention to one of the biggest holidays of the year. It’s National Cat Day.

I cannot believe I didn’t know about it (and I’m sure my eyes will be clawed out immediately upon my arrival home from work today) as I’m a raging lunatic over my cat Ted. He’s the yin to my yang. The side to my kick. The “me” to my “ow”. And frankly today, I’m fucked.

So in a dire attempt to make my pussy a little less unhinged at my failure as a cat mom, may I present you with an ode to the best bear on the planet…

Ahem.

Oh Ted you bring so much joy and good cheer,

Even when your piercing looks could kill.

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Always a sport when I dress you up,

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You never lose your cool when the costume F’s up.

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Cinco de Teddy was our highlight this year and

while I was sure we had matching sombreros,

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I’m pretty sure you were trying to figure out

how to pierce my heart with an arrow.

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Bunny ears aren’t your favorite as you made very clear,

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So I made you a pirate, in which (I kinda think) you revered.

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Today is your day and in honor of you,

I will break out my finest kit cat attire.

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And I’ll be sure to slip your favorite tie on-

before you try to murder me by hire.

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The night will be yours to do as you please.

Whether it includes Skinny Pirates, shots of Jell-O,

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or your favorite vino to help you chill and be mellow.

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Celebrate you we will with all kinds of fun,

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As my Earth tends to revolve around your sun.

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And I’m begging you to believe me when I say,

I will never, ever again forget this day.

Happy Teddy Bear Day to all of our feline furiends!
CBXB

CBXB!

Pussy Self Portrait

Cheese.

Our feline buddy Mr. Bowie, the handsome kit cat over at Hands On Bowie posted about how he took a selfie with a relatively new iOS app perfectly called Cat Selfie.  Being the cray cray cat lady I am, the app immediately found a home on my phone in about three seconds flat. I could barely wait to show Ted how to take selfies. The only problem was, I had to figure the f’ing app out myself (being blonde is super hard work).

WTF?

What the F?

Once you open the app, a little flashing lazer zooms all over the screen to attract attention from the always unimpressed cat. Every time the screen on your device is touched, a photo is taken and saved in your pictures. Had I mentally processed the not complicated in the slightest directions, I would have avoided looking like such a confused dumb ass on my test run. I ended up erasing 106 of my own selfies once I masted the art of simply touching the mother f’ing screen.

When I showed the laser to Ted, he instantly became his own Annie Leibovitz instructing himself how to pose and then capturing the (im)perfect shot.

Attempt 1

I could hear TB thinking, “God, I look good.”

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Action on the couch shot.

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His final masterpiece.

While these photos won’t end up anywhere but my refrigerator (cat moms post ‘artwork’ too), Mr. Bear now he thinks he’s a Cat Selfie connoisseur.

I’ve created a monster.

CBXB

CBXB!

Whiska Lickin’ Good

Ted was ultra pissed off at me last night when I opened a nice bottle (well, box really because I’ve lost my wine opener in my own mini manse and still can’t find it) of Pinot Grigio and forgot to pour him a glass as well. He gave me the finest stink eye in all of the South.

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Forgot me? Forget you!

So after suggesting we share, he had to think about it for 30 minutes as I held the glass low enough for His Royal Highness to decide whether or not to take a chug.

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I don’t want a drink now that you want me to have one.

After our cowboy stare down passed and the tumbleweeds rolled by, the stubborn kit cat caved.

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Well, I can just smell it…

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But then again, maybe a taste wouldn’t hurt, either.

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Hmm…lip smackingly good.

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But wait, I thought that was Captain!

After our disgruntled wine tasting experience, Mr. Bear concluded he prefers Skinny Pirates over white wine (takes after his Captain Morgan loving mother – my heart is bursting with pride only a cat mom can understand).

Whatever the happy hour has you guzzling tonight, we hope it’s whiska lickin’ good! We’ll be sticking to Skinny Pirates – and yes, I’ll be pouring two glasses.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Weeks – Redneck Style

The South gets a bad rap for people doing stupid things and I wanted to jump on the bandwagon this past weekend. Doesn’t it make sense to have a couple of cocktails and then get guns out of the closet?

Red neck? Fabulously trashy? Ultra stupid to give me a machine gun?

Redneck? Fabulously trashy? Ultra stupid to give me a machine gun?

First Mate and Mr. Mate recently got home from vacation, setting up shop in their front yard. Naturally, I needed to go and see what the hell they’d been up to so we convened at their palace Friday evening.

You can see why we're friends, right?

You can see why we’re friends, right?

After a few rounds of Skinny Pirates, Mr. Mate decided it’d be a good time to show me a gun he recently handcrafted. Smart, yes?

Palm trees, cactus and a horse...what more could one ask for?

Palm trees, cactus and a horse…what more could I need? A homemade machine gun, of course.

Billy Bad Ass.

You can stop holding your breath.  This piece wasn’t loaded.

This is heavy.

Reacting to the heaviness of this metal –  I could never be Rambo.

Photo bombing Mr. Mate as he was trying to have a pic snapped of him. I'm such a bitch.

Photo bombing Mr. Mate as he was trying to have a pic snapped of himself and his weapons. I’m such a bitch.

Since I consider myself a professional photo bomber, I always love to see the work of other PBs in action. Look what my friend’s dog did to her sweet baby…

Cute baby bombed by Spanky the dog.

Spanky the dog should probably be my side kick.

You know how my kit cat Teddy has been such a shit about the entire moving process we’ve been going through the last month and refused to snuggle with me for weeks on end? Look what I woke up to on Saturday morning.  A wet nose, a tiny smile and major purring. We’re back together again!

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All is forgiven. FINALLY.

After my morning love fest, I took my rear outside and revamped a tired, light green wicker chair I inherited from my folks. One coat of metallic silver and poof! New life for the old chair (hope my parents never want it back).

Never met a spray paint I didn't like

Never met a can of spray paint I didn’t love.

My ever-constant hero, Dad came in to remedy a slight problem in my laundry closet. A washer and dryer that won’t let the doors slide shut. Oops.

Dad to the rescue!

Dad to the rescue!

Who needs doors when you can hang a shower curtain? Holla!

Laundry hero!

Laundry hero!

While I was busy making my dad sweat away,  my little cuties from Iowa were having a pool party. Looks like my niece B is taking after her Auntie CBXB. She can ‘turn it on’ whenever she sees a camera. My nephew B on the other hand, can’t quite figure the damn contraption out.

Camera!

Camera!

What the what?

What the what?

First Mate pimped out Mr. Mate on Saturday evening for all kinds of hanging shit up fun at my new mini-manse.

Husband honey do for some other chick is any man's dream come true on a Saturday night.

Husband honey do for some other chick is any man’s dream come true on a Saturday night, right?

Our (his) efforts were a huge success, as we got my ‘piece de resistance’ mirror up, centered perfectly (I had nothing to do with that) on the wall. Celebrate!

We wanted to capture the spirit of Johnny Cash. Did we do it?

We wanted to capture the spirit of Johnny Cash. Did we do it?

All of the bossing around on Saturday evening really wore me out, so on Sunday I busted a move up to the pool and there was no one else there!

Peaceful pool.

Private pool.  That’s how I roll.

Upon my return to the mini manse, I was greeted with water dripping out of my bathroom light fixture. You can imagine how thrilled I was – especially since this is the second leak I’ve had in less than a month.

Leaks are fun. Especially when you've had two in 30 days. Neat.

Leaks are fun.

Before using the saucepan above for a tiny swimming pool, I made my second supper in the new place. Skinny spaghetti, which inadvertantly ended up looking like Mickey Mouse.

Which strangely ended up looking like Mickey Mouse.

Sorry Minnie.

Ted remains completely famfoozled over the noises coming from above him (you know, neighbors walking around), so he parked it on the bar for the remainder of the weekend to de-stress.

Taking after his mother.

Taking after his mother.

Cheers to a fabulous week!

CBXB

CBXB!

How to Throw a Party For Your Pussy

Oh the joys of being a cat mom! Parties aren’t just for folks who have human children (yawn) – us crazy cat ladies can find just about any reason to celebrate our love of pussy.

This May marks the fifth year Teddy B. and I have been in a relationship (I’m not going to lie, it took a little coaxing early on to persuade him to have his world revolve around yours truly but now he can hardly breathe without glancing my way for permission – oh wait that’s the other way around. I look to him for direction – I forgot I was talking about a cat there for a second) and why not acknowledge our happiness together?

First one must have a theme for a pussy party and I thought since we were celebrating our fifth anniversary, why not call it Cinco de Teddy?

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Doesn’t he wear a sombrero well?!

You then must decide on party attire for you and the guest of honor.  I played along with the theme by wearing a T-shirt that captured what everyone in attendance was thinking…

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Who, moi?!

Accompanying the darling shirt was a pair of leopard print jeans – I know, fitting right?

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You can call me crazy but at least I’ll look cute…I think.

My kit cat’s giddy up was a perfect match for Cinco de Teddy – complete with a sombrero and poncho.

Ted's attire

As you can imagine, Ted could hardly wait to put this on.

To get your pussy pumped up, decor is a must for the party and I included balloons in this category.  Excitement coarsed through TB’s bod as he tried to claw a balloon open to suck on helium (he’s such a little party animal).

Who knew Ted loved balloons

Wondering if the balloon would hold him in midair…

Once I thwarted the helium heist, I showed Ted the other party elements like his serving bowls – which to his delight held three times the amount of food he’s normally allotted (while already a ‘big boned’ cat it was his party, so he deserved the extra helpings, yes?).

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Double the pleasure, triple the food fun.

Other decor should include snaps of you and your pussy’s life together.  Grandma CBXB has a Teddy Bear Meow scrapbook she keeps in her classroom (see, I’m not the only crazy in the family – she proudly displays the love of her grandpet daily…ahhhh!), which I accompanied with our most recent Christmas card and a gift from our fabulous blogging friend, The Buxom Gourmand.

Yes....

Yes. It’s true. I’m the best cat mom ever.

Look at this painting that my ultra talented gal pal from The Buxom Gourmand crafted for Teddy! How much more puurfect could this be?! We are proudly displaying our new favorite artwork in our mini manse. We love and thank you, Bronwin!

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Ted, martinis and pink leopard print? Oh MY!

It’s important to capture the calm before the storm (in this case, shoving a cat into a poncho and sombrero), so be sure to snap a pic prior to the start of the party.

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If he only knew what was coming…

Before traumatizing Ted with his party attire, I let him sniff around the treat table…

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Gimme a cupcake!

Sometimes dressing a pussy can take some liquid courage, so I worked on mine outside while Ted explored the party fun inside.

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I think he might hate me…but oh well! Gimme another Skinny Pirate, please!

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I’m thinking of all of the paybacks coming my way…

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And yet I keep the photo shoot going…

Siesta time

Until Teddy was so embarrassed he pretended it was siesta time.

In order to perk your pissy pussy back into a party mood, get out the sweets!

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Gma CBXB baked goodies.

I think I like

Turning Ted’s poncho frown upside down!

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What sombrero?

Feels so good when it hits the lips (or whiskers in Ted's case).

Feels so good when it hits the lips (or whiskers in Ted’s case).

Enticing your feline with cat cupcakes will make all of the clothing cares disappear… (yeah, right. I will be punished for the next five years over this party).

enjoyed

Thoroughly enjoyed.

Be careful after all the sugar rush because you’re sure to have party poopers crash after consuming.

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One cupcake and it’s couch time?!

Teddy was so exhausted from all of that licking, he had to pass out with his back to party goers.

Party pouting = FAIL!

Party pouting = FAIL!

I suggest you heckle your pussy back into the party spirit if you catch them napping.

Fiesta time Ted!

Fiesta time Ted!

If that doesn’t work, mocking the sleeping beauty will totally do the trick.

Mockery will totally win this feline over.

It’s exhausting being the life of the party.

The combination of heckling and mockery will make the silently sleeping cat love you more than life itself.

He's so over me

He’s so over me.

As the party is winding down, you’ll find it hard to keep the party attire off of your pussy.

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I have this sneaking suspicion that I will be losing sight in one eye to a claw…

And that folks is how you throw a party for your pussy (or dog, bird, rat, snake, ferret, rabbit, snail, fish, etc…)

Party on!

CBXB

CBXB!